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Original poster

How bad is it really for my 4yo dd to see me share a bed with a man who is not my partner and probably never will be???

115 replies

StripeyMamaSpanx · 06/02/2008 14:29

And I do not mean that she sees me having sex with all and sundry on a regular basis.

I just want to know if its really likely to be damaging to her to be aware that I may occasionally have a man sleeping in my bed?

I'm a single parent and in the two and a half years since dd's dad left she has seen about five people sleeping in my bed with me. Not five random strangers, five of my friends who she knows. And in two of those cases, sharing my bed as nothing other than friends who enjoy the company and warmth. I'd never let a total stranger (or anyone I didn't trust) stay when she is at home.

Over the last weekend a very old and close friend came to see us and we ended up sleeping together, and in the morning dd came into my room and got in the bed for a cuddle with both of us (we were both wearing something by then).Is that actually a Bad Thing, that I have friends who love my child and who she feels that secure with?

She has never commented on it and seems to accept it with no problems. I just am aware that many people think its not appropriate and I'm not entirely sure why?

OP posts:
grimupnorth · 06/02/2008 14:59

I think you should try to make sure she does'nt see that sort of thing. She might not mind at this age but when she gets to be a teenager she will think its embarassing and it will be a bad example to her.
Is it really what you want for her to remember you in bed with men who aren't her dad, who just come and go? Because thats why I think its inappropriate. I'm not trying to say you are wrong, each to their own etc, but imo its not really appropriate for a 4 year old to see anyone in bed with their mum except as part of a long term and properly committed relationship.

kittywise · 06/02/2008 15:01

No, don't let her see you in bed with a man who is not a long term partner, not good.

tasjaSAmuminUK · 06/02/2008 15:03

sets a bad example for her - would you want her to do that one day?

anorak · 06/02/2008 15:05

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing but I would not let her see because when she is older she will remember and ask herself and you all kinds of questions about it - as a teenager she will not look back and understand what your motivations were.

MascaraOHara · 06/02/2008 15:09

I completely understand your predicament SMS and sympathise also. I too am a single mum.. I don't think it's probably the best thing to do but it's probably not the worse.

I think it would be best not to get in the habit though as when she's a little older (say 5/school age) she will struggle to understand. And also, children are not tactful how would you feel if she started telling peopel that "mummy has lots of different men sleeping in her bed" it's the sort of thing kids say.

My dd is 5 and has known me to have two partners (one I was with for 3 years) and my current boyf. I expect this will be more as I don't think this relationship will go anywhere in the long term but I do worry how it impacts her.

postingatlast · 06/02/2008 15:10

personally I don't see a problem.

Or, to put it another way, I am not sure what else you are meant to do.

Well, you have two other options:

never ever have another man sleep in your bed

or

padlock your bedroom door and/or ban your DD from ever coming in.

Frankly both the above are unreasonable.

You have to live your life, you cannot just remain single for ever. And your DD seems to enjoy popping into your room and, as you say, didn't seem phased by what she found.

Not really sure what bad example it can set, unless you come from a value set which includes only sleeping with someone when married.

Personally I think that the reality is that you are going to have people over and making an issue of it with your DD would be way more harmful for her in the long run than just going with the flow.

Would you prefer your DD to grow up thinking there was something bad/wrong/dirty about two adults sleeping together?

You sound like a good mum who is concerned for her daughter's upbringing and welfare. I hope that within that framework you can also allow yourself to nurture your own relationships and not feel bad about it!

A Daddymumsnetter...

tiredemma · 06/02/2008 15:13

My DP often found his mum in bed with various men (all friends...of his father who was serving overseas at the time )- It has completly fucked his head up.

Agree its not exactly the same scenario as yours, but it did affect him seeing different men in the home.

Remotew · 06/02/2008 15:30

I was in exactly the same situation as you when my DD was younger and its has not affected her in any way. The worse comment I've had from her was 'mum you've had a few boyfriends'. I just replied that I tried hard .

It's how you handle it that's important. Better to be open than sneaking people in and out as though its something to be ashamed of.

VictorianSqualor · 06/02/2008 15:38

Hmm, I used to babysit for a woman who often had different men in her bed and it did confuse her children, they were a bit older though, and when mum went out they would ask me if any of mummys friends were going to come home and sleep in her bed.

I don't see what is so hard about getting up before your child if they're likely to come in and see it, just to prevent any misunderstandings she may have.

FWIW, My children have seen other people in my house, of course they have, and when I was single I would have male friend over, but I think seeing a man in your mums bed is a bit different to seeing him in the kitchen.

Anna8888 · 06/02/2008 15:41

I don't think that it is a good role model for a mother to sleep with short-term partners in front of her young children.

So - I think you should try to avoid your DD seeing you in bed with other men until you find The One.

NKF · 06/02/2008 15:44

I agree with Anna. I don't if it will damage her but I can't see how it oculd be a good thing. And avoidable surely.

NKF · 06/02/2008 15:46

That was meant to read "don't know"

Kewcumber · 06/02/2008 15:47

at what age are you going to feel uncomfortable with her getting into bed with a man who isn't permanent fixture in her life? Don;t mean to sound blunt...

doggiesayswoof · 06/02/2008 15:52

I agree with victoriansqualor. If it was me I would just get up early.

At that age, children don't always comment on things openly - doesn't mean they are not confused.

I don't think what you are doing is damaging (nor do I think there is anything wrong with sleeping with people you are not in a relationship with, just to be clear) - but I just think that your sex life is not your dd's business.

Kewcumber · 06/02/2008 15:55

though I'm not sure about waiting for "the one". I do however think you need to wait for someone who is likely to be a long term person in her life.

NKF · 06/02/2008 15:57

I think man hovering around the house in the morning is a bit creepy too.

Heated · 06/02/2008 15:58

Different with a long term partner imo, but if a casual thing I would be concerned that the children would think sex was something casual. Hard concept to get across, don't do as I do, do as I tell you...

Fwiw, I think Stripey should still have fun but kept private from the children.

doggiesayswoof · 06/02/2008 16:00

IMO the guy being there at breakfst time is not an issue - I'm not suggesting he should be hussled out the door before dd gets up. I wouldn't want my dd to see me actually in bed with someone, much less for her to get in for a cuddle. Maybe I'm just uptight.

doggiesayswoof · 06/02/2008 16:01
  • hustled
NKF · 06/02/2008 16:01

Yes but what about the question "why is he here?" and "where did he sleep?"

LIZS · 06/02/2008 16:01

Think it may make it a confusing link in her mind between the sort of friendship and commitment desirable before it is acceptable to share a bed. When she looks back she won't distinguish which friends it meant more with and may mdoel ehr behaviour accordingly.

VictorianSqualor · 06/02/2008 16:07

NFK, that depends on whether or not SMS is willign to be open with ehr daughter about ehr sex life.

I personally would just say that he had just arrived, slept on the sofa, or none of your beeswax, madam.

NumberSix · 06/02/2008 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NKF · 06/02/2008 16:18

It's probably just me but I find the idea of children in bed with men who aren't their father a bit disturbing. I can see that if you are single and dating, then it must happen. But if I was separated, I don't think I'd like my daughter or son cuddled up with daddy's new partner. Particulaly if it was an ooccaional or not very serious partner.

VictorianSqualor · 06/02/2008 16:22

Same ehre NKF, When me and Xdp split up I allowed him to have the children over night at his new gf's house, but the stipulation was they wer enot to see them in bed together or to kiss (we had been split up a matter of weeks, I didnt want them confused, and he had said his gf was 'just a friend' to them).
I found out the second time they stayed there that they woudl go and get into bed with him and his gf and was rather annoyed, even more so when I foudn out from DD that DS (10months) was sleeping in bed with them, and told DP if eh wanted them to stay there then for that one night he had to sleep on the sofa, not in his GF's bed.

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