How bad is it really for my 4yo dd to see me share a bed with a man who is not my partner and probably never will be???

[StripeyMamaSpanx]

And I do not mean that she sees me having sex with all and sundry on a regular basis.

I just want to know if its really likely to be damaging to her to be aware that I may occasionally have a man sleeping in my bed?

I'm a single parent and in the two and a half years since dd's dad left she has seen about five people sleeping in my bed with me. Not five random strangers, five of my friends who she knows. And in two of those cases, sharing my bed as nothing other than friends who enjoy the company and warmth. I'd never let a total stranger (or anyone I didn't trust) stay when she is at home.

Over the last weekend a very old and close friend came to see us and we ended up sleeping together, and in the morning dd came into my room and got in the bed for a cuddle with both of us (we were both wearing something by then).Is that actually a Bad Thing, that I have friends who love my child and who she feels that secure with?

She has never commented on it and seems to accept it with no problems. I just am aware that many people think its not appropriate and I'm not entirely sure why?

not a big deal

I have memories of this type of thing from even younger than your DD.

I wont say it's a head fuck but I tend to cringe at the memory. I cant explain why it's negative but I just feel it is.

At that age, clearly I could not have had an adults perspective or been able to work out what it all meant - I just know that it felt unsettling and a bit scary (and I was a pretty robust child).

I know that my young brain must have tried to work it all out and I believe I became prematurely aware of certain things, aspects of adult relationships that I was too youg to put into perspective and not feel threatened by.

Don't underestimate the protective feelings even young children feel towards their mother when the father is not in the picture - I remember feeling angry that these men were so physically close to my mother, in her bed, where I would snuggle up with her. It just felt like a huge intrusion into our family.

If it was my daughter, I would be worried. When she is old enough to start experimenting with sex her ideas as to what is or is not appropriate will in large part be formed by the adults she is close to (and of course her peers). Do you want her to have an easy come easy go approach (I'm not saying that this is your attitude but she will just be learning the whole emotional side to relationships) at this age? You have the experience to judge what is or is not appropriate for you, but she will need to learn by trial and error.

I think if you carry on it may have a negative impact.
You're a sensible adult who is capable of making informed choices. When she's 15 or whatever she'll make all the rash decisions teenagers make about contraception and so on and that will be compounded by thinking having numerous partners is the norm.
I truely believe you're at a good age to have casual sex because you know how to have good sex, but teens have a lot of crap sex because they've not stayed with one person long enough to learn how to have good sex iyswim! I also think it's a scary world of stds now and monogamy is the way to go when you're young and vulnerable.
Having lots of friends around is fine, but she'll understand what sharing a bed means quite soon I would think.
I'm not entirely sure of what I've written here because I am not one to talk about numerous partners - I think I'll have to advise my kids to do as I say and not as I did - or not reveal my dark past!

I grew up with mum having many different boyfriends, friends who ended up in bed and one night stands. I accepted it as normal as a small child though sometimes it made me a bit odd and I can't really explain why. When I got older though, and I realised that most of my friends didn't experience this I became embarrassed and a bit resentful, especially as I was always expected to be nice to the new flame and accept them into our house regardless. Then one day, they would be gone.

As an adult, I don't resent her for it but I do think it was wrong and I wish it hadn't been like that, as much for her as for us.

You know your child best, I guess. I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself.

Hmmm lots of food for thought here.

I don't bring strangers into the house for her to see, I fully accept that for a child to wake up and find someone they don't know there is unfair. I would (and once have) insist that someone leave if I felt it is in any way disturbing dd.

The thing about her getting into bed for a cuddle was just that one time, when it was a very good friend who dd adores, and who is very fond of her. I actually found it rather lovely and she looked really happy - I do think that as a single parent and ex-traveller, my friends are very important and close, and many of them are quite involved in helping me with dd. So under those circumstances I don't think its a problem.

However, I can see that as she gets older she will start to question it more and that it would be far less appropriate to have her coming for a cuddle like that.

TBH, SMS, I don't think the way you have men aroudn your daughter is a problem in anyway, and I would probably say having them in your bed wasnt a problem either if you often ahd female friends stay over, I think just as a few people mentioned she may look back on it and develop an unhealthy attitude towards casual sex because of the confusion.
When I said about DS and DD not seeing their dad in bed with his gf, it was because they were going through a lot at the time (we'd only just split) and he had said she wasnt his gf, so it added to confusion.
When DP and i got together and knew it was going to be serious, the DC's were told we were bf and gf and he would stay in my bed, ds has came in for a cuddle with him from the very start, so IMO the one friend that had the cuddle that she knows well etc isn't really the issue, anymore than a female friend would be, it's just seeing different men in your bed iyswim.

I can't really offer advice but will offer my personal experience.
When I was 6 my parents divorced. I have memories of my mums 'friends' in the kitchen in the mornings, and going into her room for a morning cuddle to find a strange man there. It was all too confusing at that age, when you are trying to understand relationships. They got back together and remarried when I was 10 but there are many things I think my mother shouldn't have let me see.

Personally I don't think it is a big deal. As you said it's not random strangers and a different bloke every night.

I don't see how it can be confusing to a small child if they don't know any different. From my own experiences my DS views beds as places where people sleep. We get lots of people staying over, mostly family but friends too, and invariably they sleep in my bed with me. We stay over at friend's houses too and sleep in other people's beds, so I don't think DS would think anything of finding a man he knows in my bed in the morning, and I don't think it will confuse him in the slightest.

I think it really does depend on your own views on this as to how you will make your DD persieve the issue. I think some of the posts here are really more about how the posters themselves feel and projecting them onto how a child would feel in that situation.

Obviously I have no idea how my DS will feel about it all as a teenager, but I'm sure as an adult he will respect me and the decisions I made and your DD will be the same.

(I remember being pretty freaked out after finding out about sex and realising that my parents must do it! But I got over that)

I should probably add that I think it wouldn't be confusing to a 4 yr old, but to a 6, 7 or 8 yr old it could definately be confusing if it starts then.

well - my mum was a single parent since i was 6 - i saw a lot of men in her bed over the years - i don't think it damaged me BUT when she is a teenager she will probably use it against you - i don't think you should let her see it really - but it's up to you isn't it

VS - I understand what you mean and I agree about casual sex not being the ideal/norm for most people.

I suppose to me its just not that big a deal, and also I feel that the relationship I have with the people I bring into our home in that way is far from casual iyswim?

Bringing someone home from the pub and getting him to make her toast in the morning - that is what I think of as "casual".

Being able to maintain a good friendship with someone is hugely important IMO and that example is also being set. I intend to be very honest with her about different relationships and how to deal with them.

i do actually think of my mum as rather slutty as a young woman

SMS, I agree, I was very much the same when DD was young, I had some close friends who I would be intimate with at times, not always and it was never expected, it was just the way our relationships were.

I also want DD to understand what my views on sex are, and the respect basis I expect to be there with any man you become intimate with etc, but I don't think she will be able to truly understand this until she is at least a teenager and having sexual feelings herself, at which point I don't want her to misconstrue things I have said or done and lead her to heartache, so for that reason I wouldn't allow her to see me in bed with different men, no matter how well she knew them.

I just think it's a very adult thing to be able to understand and that that is what would be confusing to someone who hadn't yet learnt much about themselves, let alone the complex relationships people form.

I think it could be a problem, yes, but I don;t think what YOU have described doing is a problem. It actually sounds like a very warm and lively household and I think that you are showing her different ways for adults to be warm and friendly to one another - including sharing a bed, or having a friendly, mutually respectful sexual relationship. I don't see why we should teach our children that sex is ONLY appropriate as part of a long term romantic relationship - that hasn't been my experience as an adult and I don't think it need be unless you want it to be. I think seeing you share a bed with people who are important to you, who you have known for a long time and who you are firm friends with, is actually teaching her some GOOD things about who to choose as a sexual or bed partner.

Oh yes I can see that it can be a problem for kids to be exposed to an endless string of 'uncles', and that I will need to be careful as she gets older to make sure I am very honest with her about relationships and friendships and where to set the boundaries. Of course I want her to feel secure and loved, and to not be confused, which she genuinely doesn't seem to be.

Lots of our friends are travelling still and come to get their washing done visit on their way through. Our house is fairly lively and I think its quite good for dd, particularly in the absence of her father, to have lots of other adults who care about both of us.

I guess what you know you have been doing in the bed and what she thinks you have been doing in the bed are two separate things!!

At 4 she is naieve ( sp) and isn't going to be concerned about the sexaul aspect, or the just for comfort aspect.

As she gets older she will be more affected, if she starts to put two and two together (as it were).

I am single now, and have no idea what I would do in your sitch. If i have had someone sleep in my bed she hasn't been there int he house. Now she's no longer going to her dad's, i guess I won't have any opportunity to even get someone near my bed !!!

oh and anyhow she co sleeps with me, the little love, so thats her place for the foreseeable future.!!

i don't think it appropriate for her to see various men in your bed.
at her current age she may not realise what is happening but as she gets older she will, and when she is older still she will think very confusing things about her mother.

if you ahve someone over either try and arrange it for when she is not there or wake up early and ask him to leave before she wakes.

i have worked with so many kids who have spoken to me about the various partners their parents have had and YES it has damaged them. their view of sex and their respect for their parents.

im sorry thats probably not what you wanted to hear but thats MHO

I am really very surprised by the attitudes and opinions on this thread.
I personally don't think that there is anything wrong at all in what you are doing. I don't think you are a "bad example" - you are a young single person and you have a sex life! I can't imagine for the life of me what could be damaging to a girl growing up to know that her mother has friends to stay.
the underlying assumption on this thread is that a mother shouldn't have an active sex life unless it is with her husband/long term partner, and if she does she should keep it a secret. I personally don't agree with that and I think a young girl growing up with the knowledge of her mother having loving relationships on her own terms will be a very good example if you want her to take charge of her own life rather than be a "good girl" and think about her reputation

I am ^amazed" at the assumptions here
that you can't respect your mother if she sleeps with someone?
that it would be confusing to know your mother is having sex?

Maybe think about it from the angle of would I feel happy explaing this to her when she is older, or have her doing the same thing.

I feel a tad uncomfortable about her being in bed with you and a man who isn't her father/step father

My dds dont seem to mind. They are 10 and 7.
Female and males friends kip in with me. Double bed, one side spare. Why not?

Hmmm.

Well I worked out my mum had had sex with at least two men by the time I had two younger half brothers, and I have the utmost respect for her.

I have to ask, is it really better to keep sex as a dirty adult secret? Obviously I am not about to start sharing the gory details with dd, but I really do wonder how bad it can be for her to grow up aware that mummy shares her bed with some of her close friends sometimes.

I don't think there is anything shameful about it, and I don't think it displays a lack of morals either.

would you be happy about your single daughter with sleeping with five of her friends in two years?
why would you not?
because that makes her "promiscuous"?
because of her reputation?

good gracious me