How bad is it really for my 4yo dd to see me share a bed with a man who is not my partner and probably never will be???

[StripeyMamaSpanx]

And I do not mean that she sees me having sex with all and sundry on a regular basis.

I just want to know if its really likely to be damaging to her to be aware that I may occasionally have a man sleeping in my bed?

I'm a single parent and in the two and a half years since dd's dad left she has seen about five people sleeping in my bed with me. Not five random strangers, five of my friends who she knows. And in two of those cases, sharing my bed as nothing other than friends who enjoy the company and warmth. I'd never let a total stranger (or anyone I didn't trust) stay when she is at home.

Over the last weekend a very old and close friend came to see us and we ended up sleeping together, and in the morning dd came into my room and got in the bed for a cuddle with both of us (we were both wearing something by then).Is that actually a Bad Thing, that I have friends who love my child and who she feels that secure with?

She has never commented on it and seems to accept it with no problems. I just am aware that many people think its not appropriate and I'm not entirely sure why?

Sex shouldn't be a dirty secret but I know I wouldn't want my daughter having lots of partners and whouldn't want her to see lots of men in my bed either. (not saying you have lots btw!)

stripey - I am right there with you.
you have nothing to be ashamed of.

But IMO the uncomfortableness that some posters mention is to do with their feelings as an adult.

How is it different to her having a big hug on the sofa with one of my male friends - which does happen frequently and is lovely for her?

Well it depends what you call lots [eek] but numbers aren't an indicator of morality really.

I would actually be fairly happy for my dd (when she is mature enough to handle it) to sleep with as many people as she wanted. I want her to grow up knowing that sex is a Good Thing for consenting adults, and to have the confidence and maturity to make the choice clearly.

It seems to me that that this is a considered lifestyle choice and there's nothing casual about it - and also it's clear that you are fine with this as a role model for you daughter (which is where most parents come unstuck). So then it seems fine to me. I think if you were going to try to persuade yoru daughter that she must enver do the same, or bring home total strangers, that would be different.

But what happens when she asks questions about it? What do you tell her? Sex isn't something that your dc should be aware of at that age, its too much for them to take in.
She will follow your example, which you might not mind but its not necessarily going to make her happy! She WILL absorb your feelings about casual sex. I'd feel really funny about the idea of a child being in a bed with men who were'nt a part of her life as a father figure and I think most people would do too.

I don't think numbers are important once you are an adult and can make your decisions wisely, I do think that some, in fact many girls are promiscuous and regret it because they did it with no self-respect, not any respect from those they slept with.

I'd say that's quite different to what SMS is showng her DD, I'd just be mindful of what she was likely to think of it when older and expermenting.

I know that I for one will want to tell DD not to have sex with just anyone, make sure they respect her and the such, which as a teenager she may find hard to understand especially with the way some boys tell girls exactly what they want to hear to get them into bed.

Hopefully she'll 'get' what I'm saying and respect herself and have however many mutually satisfying adult relationships she decides to have, but so as not to confuse her ideas of 'sleeping around' and having sex with more than one partner I would try to keep as much..erm (I want to say hidden but it sounds wrong!)..undiscovered? from her for as long as it takes for her to understand in an adult way.

Not because it's a dirty secret but because it should be a fairly private thing - I don't want other people's sex lives paraded in front of me whether they be my mother, my daughter, friends or anyone.

That way your daughter might suspect what you are doing but she shouldn't have to confront it, I think.

I agree with franny and harpsi

couldn't express it as well myself so won't try

tho I will say that I think having a guy to stay over and then hustling him out of the house in a guilty fashion at cock crow is daft and much more likely to make everyone feel rubbish than anything else

IMO it would show a certain lack of respect to do that to one of my friends!

yes, I agree hustling him out of the house is just tacky.
anyway, who says stripey is having casual sex - what does that mean anyway?
she is having sex with people she likes a lot.
good luck to her.

I don't think there's anything casual about it if its between two adults who have real respect and a certain amount of love for each other.

And as for what I tell her - er, nothing much. She doesn't ask - why would she? To her its nothing unusual. If she was to ask me if I'd been having sex I'd tell her to mind her own business!

As someone said further down, she doesn't actually know what does or doesn't go on, and she doesn't need to know.

I think maybe its different if your daughter see you happy and positive about the situation. In my case, I would invariably be there to pick up the pieces of a short, tempestuous, often destructive fling - be it one night or three months. That clearly affects a child's view towards a new man in mummy's bed at any age.

Message withdrawn

I think adult relationships (including the married kind) can be a puzzle to children. It's certainly responsible for all of us to think about the kind of relationship(s) we are modelling to our children.

I think children can get attached to Mummy's "friends" and mind if the relationship breaks up. Partly because they see Mummy being sad and partly for their own sake. All this stuff about respecting each other is adult speak. It's not how small chlldren see what's going on.

I think the main thing children pick up on is the mood of parents....the atmosphere in their home..that is more important i think, but equally they learn how to understand life from your attitude to the things you do and other people not exactly what you do

The situation MrsC describes sounds upsetting for everyone

I know a single woman with young children in a similar situation - one messy attempt at a long term relationship after another, with each man being introduced as the new and special love interest

I think that IS confusing and difficult for children to cope with

The OP sounds happy, contented, not confused, in charge of her sexuality, strong, and providing a secure and loving household for her dd and their visitors. Sounds good to me. I would say this bodes better for her dd's future attitude to relationships than seeing her mother in a relationship with one man who didn't treat her mother particularly well (or vice versa), and there are THOUSANDS of those households around.

I agree, children see extremely unhealthy relationships that appear outwardly respectable, whatever that means, and if the child sees the mother as happy, confident and in control then that is a good role model.

I resented every new man, as I assumed, correctly, that my mother would be hurt again. As I said, I don't resent her as an adult, I wish she had been able to find happiness.

personally when I became a single mum I was concerned as to introducing men to my children

I have vbeen fortunate enough to find 1 bloke....we waited months b4 even introducing the children because I wanted them to feel secure & not think "another bloke leaving like daddy"

no harm having different partners but not sure about kids cuddling up in bed with lots of different men

agree with harpsichordcarrier

incidently, my partner's ex wife has had 8 boyfriends (that we know of) since they split up & although is DD(10) seems matter-of-fact with this, she doesnt live there so not shoved down her throat.
She sees us as a family cos her dad like me has only had me as new partner & we are solid

Its not lots of different men though - it was that one man, once. He has known dd since she was tiny, and been my friend for ten years. Its not something I'd think was ok with just anyone at all, but with someone I know the way I know him, I felt it was fine and quite sweet.

The thing is that dd is not seeing me get hurt - thats sort of the point. The only men I would allow to sleep in my bed when dd is at home are men I know and trust and have a solid friendship with.

Someone you know and trust is someone your dd presumably knows and trusts and that is entirely different from taking a coffee up to your mother and seeing some man you've never met leer up from beneath the covers.

I also experienced family friends becoming the new partner, intensively so, and then as the relationship deteriorated, it was bye bye to the friend. This clearly isn't the case in your home and you are considering your daughters happiness and well-being. You have to trust your instincts. I think seeing and remembering your parents as being happy is a great gift to a child. Unhappiness is confusing.

Thats why I'm careful about setting clear boundaries with anyone I have stay at our house - I'd not do it with anyone who I wasn't able to talk honestly to and trust to respect our home and my child's welfare.

I'd never really give it that much thought (it was just an automatic way to do things iyswim) til recently when one of my friends commented on it, and it set me off thinking about whether it really is ok and whether it really will confuse her.

SMS - I think what you are doing is fine. the point is that you have a carefully thought out - and entirely legitimate - set of values about this. you are living those values and you are doing so openly.

imho children would be far more confused by deceit and/or hypocrisy or double standards and/or a muddled set of values.

One thing I would say - I have only skimmed the thread and I don;t think it has been mentioned - is that as well as living those values, take the time to explain and reinforce them verbally (you probably already do). You might want to explain that some people have slightly different values (so she's not suprised as she grows up and learns more about her friends' parents and other adult relationships). but fundamentally what you are doing is about respect, companionship, trust and lots of other very positive things. find the right - age appropriate - language and ensure she knows that she can always talk to you/ask you questions/tell you any worries. I agree with those that say your household sounds like a nice place to be. probably shed loads nicer than lots of strictly monogomous households that lack respect, trust and love.

My dd occasionally asked me questions about where do I sleep when I was off to see my bf. I tended to change the subject or if pressed, just lie to her ("he sleeps in the lounge and Mummy has the bed"). I didn't want my dd informing the whole school what I'd been doing at the weekend. Even thoug most of the mums would probably have guessed!