How bad is it really for my 4yo dd to see me share a bed with a man who is not my partner and probably never will be???

[StripeyMamaSpanx]

And I do not mean that she sees me having sex with all and sundry on a regular basis.

I just want to know if its really likely to be damaging to her to be aware that I may occasionally have a man sleeping in my bed?

I'm a single parent and in the two and a half years since dd's dad left she has seen about five people sleeping in my bed with me. Not five random strangers, five of my friends who she knows. And in two of those cases, sharing my bed as nothing other than friends who enjoy the company and warmth. I'd never let a total stranger (or anyone I didn't trust) stay when she is at home.

Over the last weekend a very old and close friend came to see us and we ended up sleeping together, and in the morning dd came into my room and got in the bed for a cuddle with both of us (we were both wearing something by then).Is that actually a Bad Thing, that I have friends who love my child and who she feels that secure with?

She has never commented on it and seems to accept it with no problems. I just am aware that many people think its not appropriate and I'm not entirely sure why?

i've wondered about this myself. as you know ds is only 19 months atm so he doesn't care but I do worry about how it will affect him as he gets older.

People on here seem to be saying it is ok for her to see that he stopped over, so see him in the kitchen/living room but not your bedroom?

I think we need more people who experienced this as a child to help us!

I think it all depends on how the situation is handled and what is 'normal' in that household. For my DS it is normal for people to share beds, beds are for sleeping in. It's also normal for people to stay over here and us to stay over at other people's houses.

What the OP is describing sounds quite healthy and not likely to confuse of damage ger DD. Finding a string of strange men in your mum's bed who are then quickly shooed out the door and nothing more mentioned about them may be a tad confusing.

I guess parents pass their own sexual hangups onto their children, and if they feel guilty or like they have done somehing 'wrong' children will pick up on this, whereas if they are confident, secure and happy (asStripeymama sounds) then this too will be picked up by the children.

I agree with Franny and Harpsi too.

misscreant did you feel differently as a child whether it was one of you're mum's friends or a one night stand who didn't know from adam?

mamazon you say you have worked with children where this sort of thing has affected them. but in those cases was the parent having people their children knew to stay over or people unknown to them cos i think that makes a difference. also if their parent got hurt by these men a lot that could confuse a child as opposed to if they were very happy with the situation like SMS is.

I tthink on balance it's probably better to get up very early and not let her see. None of her business really! But if you decide to to carry on as you are now, be prepared for her to tell everyone about it when she starts school. They are guaranteed to come up with the most embarrassing possible bit of news from home when asked at Circle Time. "My Mummy wet her pants on Sunday in the kitchen and used a teatowel to mop it up" for example (I was 9 months pregnant at the time and it was a floor cloth not a teatowel) Not only did she tell everyone, she wrote it in her book for all posterity. And it was the clearest writing she had ever done

lol at seeker!

Seeker

We are going back to travelling at Easter anyway, so dd will be HE and therefore her telling the teachers won't be a problem!

She did once announce gleefully to my mum, "Mummy's friend XXXX has got hairy nipples" The situation was actually perfectly innocent - it was August and he had slept in just trousers. My mum gave me That Look and I could tell that explaining was going to look more like digging!

StripeyMamaSpanx
Off topic but can I ask if you were travelling when your DD was born?
Some of our close friends are expecting a baby in July and are currently living in their van. They live in Wales with lots of friends , some of whom have vans pimped out better than many 'normal' homes so they will be well equipped but they are getting very nervous about the practicalities.

Rofl at 'mummy wet her pants'!

Nappiesaddict - Thats hard to say. I guess initially it would be worse if I'd never seen them before as that would be unsettling for any child. As I got older I think I found it more difficult with friends (although this didn't happen as often) because she would always be 'seeing' them for a bit and then the friendship would sour after the relationship ended.
So in that sense I found the friends harder to deal with, especially as it was a close knit network of people where everyone knew everything that went on.

I don't think it is a problem

DevilWearsPrimark - No. Her dad had a house and wanted me to move in with him, which in retrospect was the worst thing I could've done. We split up when she was two and its taken me til now (she's nearly 5) to realise that its what I really want to do.

But I know lots of people who have had babies 'on the road' and they have all done a fine job of it. What sort of practicalities are they worrying about - stuff like washing I guess?

The nappies are their main concern, I know from experience it's really hard work to wash them so it will be even worse for them, and hassle from the health authorities.
A few of their group have children too but have had all sorts of trouble with health visitors etc who can't seem to understand that their children are in just as safe and loving an environment as people in houses.

Sorry your relationship didn't work out btw. It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want now though.

Ah the nappies. I do know people who have managed to live in the woods and use washables but it takes real dedication! Have you seen these sort of thing? TBH most people just use disposables.

As for the HVs and their ilk, they really should know better but they do sometimes interfere. The thing they dont seem to realise is that it just puts travellers off any involvement with Health workers at all. Did you see this thread - I added to it yesterday with a bit of a horror story

Where in Wales are they? Certain parts of Wales have big traveller communities and so the health/education people are pretty good.

They have a gas stove so plan to boil the nappies on that I'm sure it will still be hard work though.
They are close to Aberdyfi at the moment but move around, and are based mainly in Bristol or Devizes.
I will read that thread, thanks.

Stripey that is absolutely shocking.
These are people whose job it is to support families and make things better for them, yet they do things like that.
They must think her children are more 'stable' living in a place with 4 brick walls. Forget about the community they are in and happy to be in.
It is shocking how misguided these people can be.
And with the power they potential hold!? It's a worrying situation for all of us.

Yep.

I was by it and it was worrying for me as dd's dad is the type who might well do something similar.

I have posted on there now. Just be strong if anything like that happens to you, and make sure you have a strong support network.

DWP you could use something like a mothercare smart nappy or weenee where you can use a biodregradable inner pad?

misscreant so actually with you it was the more long term relationships that went wrong that affected you rather than 1 night stands?

I think five over two and a half years is hardly "lots of men". I mean, you're hardly shagging around. (I'm a former single parent). Plus, if they're people she knows, then that lessens the impact even more.

I was single til DD was about 7 and I did get more careful as she got older, in that she would only see someone in my bed that I was i a fairly long-term relationship with (even if I didn't see a "future" in it, iyswim.)

If you act all funny and coy about it, it will alert her to there possibly being something "wrong", but by the sounds of things you act natural and that's good.

FWIW, I would just start getting up earlier as she gets older if it's a "fuckbuddy" situation and be more relaxed if it's a relationship.

I've just been careful with my daughter as she's got older, to tell her that it's important to trust someone you have sex with etc etc.

She doesn't remember half of my boyfriends and certainly doesn't remember anyone from when she was younger than about 4. (She's now 12).

SMS I don't think there is anything at all wrong with what you are doing. Teaching your DD that adults conduct their sexual and emotional lives in different ways, and that sex can be an extension of friendship as well as part of a monogamous-couple-bond is a good lesson for her to learn. And I do think to an extent that the adults who are saying that either they or friends of theirs were freaked out by parents' relationships are missing the point that only one generation back people who didn't stick to the monogamy trap long term relationships only attitude to sex were regarded as wierd or wrong, whereas nowadays there is an increased understanding that people have different ways of relating to one another.
FWIW now I have DS I don't bring casual shags (ie someone I have just copped off with) home - if I want a casual shag I make it an away fixture, but that's more because I wouldn't want to risk a casual shag misbehaving in any way in DS's home. But visiting friends generally sleep in my bed because it's warmer and more comfortable than sleeping on the floor.
Yes she may well judge you when she's a teenager. But she'd judge you whatever you did because that's what teenagers tend to do.

"SMS I don't think there is anything at all wrong with what you are doing. Teaching your DD that adults conduct their sexual and emotional lives in different ways, and that sex can be an extension of friendship as well as part of a monogamous-couple-bond is a good lesson for her to learn"
At wahat age would you suggest she is emotionally capable of dealing/understanding this. Isn't she four?

I think that it possibly could leaves some traces of a bad taste in her mouth as she grows up. Just something she'd rather not have seen- like walking in on your own parents having sex for example. Theres nothing inherently wrong with it , but maybe just a feeling that you'd rather not have seen it.

But I think F&Z's point is valid-that it could be a good thing for your daughter to see you with people in this kind of caring atmosphere. THat is teaching her good things about who she shares a bed with in the future.
Far worse for her to see mum and her dad arguing all the time or something and her mun sharing a bed with a man who doesn't respect her.