Absolutely heartbroken- need a bit of support

[Anonymous94]

Hi mumsnet, posted anonymous so none of my friends or family know that I’ve posted. Just a bit embarrassed really and need some support. Might be a bit of a long read but I’m just broken.
My partner of 5 years, father to one of my children and stepdad to my eldest, has out of the blue broken up with me on Monday night and just left the house. He didn’t tell me much, didn’t explicitly say it was over but said he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. I asked him to please stay as I was so confused but he didn’t.
I got angry on Tuesday morning and was asking what I’ve done to deserve this and how can he leave me and the kids like this and he said I haven’t done anything just that he needs space and time to work out what he wants. So I left him to it and he came to see the children after work. My eldest (he’s 8) knew that something wasn’t right and my partner (well now ex) told him we had broken up and my eldest didn’t take it very well and was quite upset understandably as he’s been a brilliant stepdad to him. I asked him did he want me or not I can’t be left in limbo and he said no he didn’t but was too scared to tell me because he knew I was heartbroken. Said we will sort contact for kids etc.
My question is how do I get through this? I’m absolutely heartbroken. Can’t stop crying, feel like I’ve lost a leg and I’m not sleeping or eating since he told me. How can I see him when he comes to collect the kids and not have my heart broken all over again? I love him so so much but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve done so much for him, helped him with anything and everything and we’ve had some tough times together but always sorted it out. He says he still loves me but that hurts because if he loved me how could he leave us? He’s not giving me much information. I’m trying to carry on for the kids but I’m genuinely dying inside. Please I need some support and words of encouragement :(

[Aikko]

Men don't just up and leave for no reason. I suspect he's allowed his head to be turned and has been seeing someone else, that is why he isn't giving you any information or reason why he wants to end the relationship.

[Mischance]

I am so sorry you are in this sad situation. I think we must assume that there is another woman somewhere in this equation. Hopefully he will be honest about it soon. It is so painful for you; but you WILL get through this, although it may take time.

[Ofcourseshecan]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. You and DC don’t deserve it, but you will survive it together. Time eventually does ease the hurt. And you’re concerned about your DC, so you will be putting a lot of effort into easing the break-up for them too. They are the important people in your life. Your love for them will help you all get through.
Sending love and

[Anonymous94]

I asked was there someone else and he absolutely said no and said he couldn’t do that to me. He literally just works and comes home or goes to his friends house on a weekend for a couple of hours some times. He’s staying at his mums now. He said he’s severely depressed and I’ve offered to help in anyway that I can. I just feel so blindsided. I didn’t expect any of this. We had a lovely Christmas and was planning for Valentine’s Day. I’m just at a loss. Thank you for words of encouragement.

[Anonymous94]

He said he still loves me and that he still thinks I’m beautiful but just that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and he feels like he’s too depressed to even try and work things out. I’m doing the best I can for my children but it’s just so hard. I’m trying to not be upset around them. Weekends and school hols will hit the hardest as we would take them out together and things but I’ll do that anyway. He said I’ve done nothing wrong I’m I’m certain he hasn’t cheated. He’s not a bad man which is why this has left me so confused.

[Facecream]

OP - be honest with yourself first.
Have you noticed him be severely depressed?
Has he been still going to work, doing hobbies etc?
Are you sure that he’s been going to his friend’s?
He may well have met someone at work and be seeing them at the weekend..?
Whats he like with his phone?
Any behaviour changes lately?

[Facecream]

Also I’d start him off with caring for his child - have him care for the children all weekend- why does he get to walk away from his responsibilities?

[Littlelostsheep]

I am in exactly the same situation as you right now, except no children, and it is bloody awful.

My only advice is surround yourself with friends and turn your phone off when you can, the constant checking for notifications isn't good for you and you need time to heal as well.

My ex swears there is nobody else as well and I just cannot get my head round it.

[Anonymous94]

He’s not secretive with his phone or anything like that, if I needed it for whatever reason he would hand it over not that I would feel the need to go on it and yeah he was definitely at his friends because I’ve been with him before and he would phone me when he was there. We have the same friendship group. I’m 100% there isn’t someone else involved and I knew he had problems, took him to the doctors and he seemed to be managing it until this on Monday. I’ve offered support should he need it even though I’m heartbroken myself. He said he will still support the kid’s financially and said that he will see them every night after work and on weekends he will take them out as I think it’s easier he doesn’t see them here as I don’t think I can handle seeing him for long periods of time. He works as a truck driver so does 7.30- half 4/5 and he said work is fine, he enjoys his job and all. It’s all men so I don’t think he’s met anyone at work. I think it’s due to depression all this but won’t allow help from anyone.

[Idontknowhatnametochoose]

I'm so sorry op. I can only imagine how devastated you feel. It's a form of grief that has struck out of the blue and it's horrifying. Are you able to see a counsellor and process this? At the moment you're in shock but it might help to talk to someone about how to move forward.

Ignore the inevitable posts about having another woman. Regardless of how often it happens to other people no one knows your situation. No one at all. Its not helpful to you and regardless of the reason for leaving that doesn't help you deal with the reality. Please hang in there and know you will get through this. There's no doubt it's agonising but you really will- life will go on, just differently, and you need to grieve the loss of what it was and could have been. My thoughts are with you.

[Holshicup]

So he tells a 8 year old that you are splitting up, but won't tell you that.
Seems cruel to me.
New woman or not he seems hard work.

[Anonymous94]

I thought he behaved quite shockingly too as well tbh but I can only go on what he’s said. I can’t dwell, I’m just going to try and pick myself back up but after 5 years of us having a family unit I just feel broken. I’m absolutely in love with this man and I’ve done nothing but pick myself apart as to why he would leave and why I’m not good enough for him when I was good enough to get him out of a lot of trouble he was having when I first met him.

[purpleboy]

Do you believe it's the depression?

[Anonymous94]

He does have diagnosed depression and was on medication and attending a few counselling sessions as he had childhood trauma but he believed it didn’t help so we was managing it ourselves. He’s been stable apart from the odd flare up but if he says his head isn’t right and doesn’t want me to support him then I’ll take a step back and give him the space he said he needs. I haven’t messaged or called, he’s phoned me to ask about seeing the kids and all that. I think it’s just soul destroying when you love someone so much and they don’t want you anymore.

[MyNameisMathilda]

I would say that there have been many, many women who thought that their Hs or partners were depressed when they left but in most cases it turns out there is someone else. It is an easy thing for us to tell ourselves as it is an "acceptable reason" for what has happened. We feel sorry for them, they are not the bad guy and they know that themselves! It is very early days for you so of course you are going through a turmoil of emotions - you love him, you have supported him etc. You are in a panic of what will I do? How can I live this life without him? What will happen to the kids? How will I manage financially? Eventually you will find your anger and your strength and you will look at this differently. I know how bad it feels but it will get better.

[Toddlerteaplease]

I don't think immediately assuming that someone else is involved is not helpful. Men can still act like knobs without anyone else involved.

[Toddlerteaplease]

Is helpful *

[IfOnlyTheyMeantIt]

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

My ExH did exactly the same. Just told me one morning he's changed his mind and he didn't want 'this' any more. We had a 20 month old baby and I was 8 months' pregnant.

He swore blind there was nobody else involved and I absolutely believed him.

He lied.

Men are lazy. They don't do this kind of thing on a whim.

Sending you love and strength - and I swear to you, it does get better 💐

[TicketBoo23]

when I was good enough to get him out of a lot of trouble he was having when I first met him

What sort of trouble?

Could it be a factor again?

[Anonymous94]

Not bad trouble like with other people but he was troubled. I probably should have worded it better. I kept him out of work for a year and paid all his bills etc so he could focus on getting himself right because he was troubled due to many factors over his childhood and adulthood. I appreciate people saying about another woman but I really don’t think it’s that. He looked me straight in the eye and swore he’s not even spoken to anyone else let alone met up with anyone else. He doesn’t have form for that, I genuinely just think he doesn’t want to be with me anymore for whatever reason. Says he doesn’t know how he feels because we’ve been through a lot together. None of it makes any sense to me but he’s never lied about whereabouts, hidden his phone or anything. I do trust when he says it’s not because of that. I think he’s just going through a rough patch and is taking it out on me for whatever reason or he wants to be able to come and go freely as he pleases. I’ve never stopped him from doing anything but I’m not going to allow him to come and go from my house as he pleases. It’s too upsetting so I’ve said we need a proper arrangement in place regarding the kids but doesn’t help that the little one is nearly 2 so we need to communicate for him especially. The oldest is a lot easier to be able to set up an arrangement with. My youngest has always been with me full time. I don’t think I’m able to let him do overnights just yet.

[NeedToChangeName]

It's hard, very hard, but you will be OK in the end. Hold on to that thought

[Whatnext2023]

I feel for you so much. My partner did similar a few months back - no OW yet. It’s so brutal and hard to get your head around. You are in shock right now - be kind as you can to yourself - take each day / hour at a time and don’t over think tomorrow. You don’t yet know how it will all pan out and how you’ll feel about it when it does. So try not to worry about what hasn’t happened yet. And please try not to blame yourself. It sounds like he’s had his own personal battles and this is nothing to do with you. Although you are of course suffering the fallout of his own issues. You WILL feel better though - gradually gradually. Lots of love OP.

[Anonymous94]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It does mean a lot to me x

[ohfourfoxache]

Very similar happening in my extended family atm - seems like there are A LOT of people who feel similar

I don’t want to derail the thread but this might be helpful

www.nationalgeographic.co.uk/science-and-technology/2022/10/could-covid-19-trigger-depression/amp

[Calmdown14]

You can't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense.

He's done this either as a result of poor mental health or because his head has been turned. This doesn't necessarily mean he's actually done anything but he has his eye on a different life.

Nothing that you have or haven't done can change this. Either way it's not really about you (which I know sounds ridiculous given how much it hurts you).

I think that you are already doing well to put boundaries in place like he can't come and go as he pleases. He doesn't get to reject you but come over whenever he fancies.

Ask friends and family over, try to fill up your time as much as possible so you don't dwell too much. Keep your routines for the kids

Put one foot in front of the other and keep going til you start to feel normal again.

It's horrible but don't torture yourself. None of this is your doing and to behave in this way he's not the man you love.