Absolutely heartbroken- need a bit of support

[Anonymous94]

Hi mumsnet, posted anonymous so none of my friends or family know that I’ve posted. Just a bit embarrassed really and need some support. Might be a bit of a long read but I’m just broken.
My partner of 5 years, father to one of my children and stepdad to my eldest, has out of the blue broken up with me on Monday night and just left the house. He didn’t tell me much, didn’t explicitly say it was over but said he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. I asked him to please stay as I was so confused but he didn’t.
I got angry on Tuesday morning and was asking what I’ve done to deserve this and how can he leave me and the kids like this and he said I haven’t done anything just that he needs space and time to work out what he wants. So I left him to it and he came to see the children after work. My eldest (he’s 8) knew that something wasn’t right and my partner (well now ex) told him we had broken up and my eldest didn’t take it very well and was quite upset understandably as he’s been a brilliant stepdad to him. I asked him did he want me or not I can’t be left in limbo and he said no he didn’t but was too scared to tell me because he knew I was heartbroken. Said we will sort contact for kids etc.
My question is how do I get through this? I’m absolutely heartbroken. Can’t stop crying, feel like I’ve lost a leg and I’m not sleeping or eating since he told me. How can I see him when he comes to collect the kids and not have my heart broken all over again? I love him so so much but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve done so much for him, helped him with anything and everything and we’ve had some tough times together but always sorted it out. He says he still loves me but that hurts because if he loved me how could he leave us? He’s not giving me much information. I’m trying to carry on for the kids but I’m genuinely dying inside. Please I need some support and words of encouragement :(

[Anonymous94]

What you said about not being the man I love is true. I don’t feel like I know who he is anymore, all I know and feel is hopeless, vulnerable and heartbroken. I just can’t believe he would actually walk out and leave me with 2 kids without proper reasons why other than blaming his mental health. He’s supposed to be coming to collect the rest of his stuff at the weekend and that’s a definite sign that it’s over. Part of me wants to say please don’t give up on us, please let’s try again but the strong part of me wants to just let him go since he went in the first place. I’d never beg anyone to stay but at the same time I feel so alone and helpless. I know deep down that he doesn’t want to be with me so there’s no point in trying. This is my first proper break up because with my oldest sons dad it was a mutual decision to split up, we just weren’t getting on but this feels so different since I didn’t choose any of this.

[BunchHarman]

I know you’re sure there’s no one else, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it comes out soon enough that there is. He’s followed a pattern of behaviour perfectly.

[Andypandy799]

@Anonymous94 just a thought but could it be a gambling addiction. I have had it and had 3 choices

1 run away
2 kill myself
3 come clean and own up to it

[Maze76]

@Anonymous94 I’m so sorry you’re going through this heartbreak, I’ve been where you are and it sucks.
I really, really hope there isn’t another Woman, and he’s being straight up with you- but please prepare yourself just in case you discover there is one.
Also, when this happened to me, I hit the floor, I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. I couldn’t eat, sleep, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
But remember’This too will pass’.. sit with your emotions and take each day as it comes- you have strength you never knew you had.

[winterbegone]

Sorry you're going through this, it's a lot to deal with but try and stop your mind thinking of the reason he might of left for, that doesn't help, all you do know is that it's happened and take one day at a time, slowly you will come to accept it. Remember he was only a part of your life not you as a whole, you can still keep going.

[WhatInFreshHell]

I hate to say it OP but I was almost 100% my EXH hadn't cheated and he had...many many times. I heard The Script too.

[SunflowerTed]

Prepare yourself - men don’t leave a wife and two kids unless there is someone to go to! I say this with kindness- get your finances in order and let him go. There is someone else xxx

[ednatheevilwitch]

Cherchez La femme

[KateofGhent]

@Anonymous94
OP, I'm so sorry you are heartbroken, only just read your post and I imagine you are feeling worse this evening as you are hurt and missing your very recent ex.
He told you he was depressed, but was he acting like he was depressed?
I know this is not facing reality, but for a few days could you imagine he is working away, not that he has left? A few days will turn into a week, and so on, so that you could gradually face reality? If you can afford it go and get your hair done, put your best/new clothes on and remind yourself of you before you met him. I feel so bad that he has also hurt your DS too, you are both missing him and hurting, and hope you will soon see better days

[Deathbyfluffy]

@IfOnlyTheyMeantIt

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

My ExH did exactly the same. Just told me one morning he's changed his mind and he didn't want 'this' any more. We had a 20 month old baby and I was 8 months' pregnant.

He swore blind there was nobody else involved and I absolutely believed him.

He lied.

Men are lazy. They don't do this kind of thing on a whim.

Sending you love and strength - and I swear to you, it does get better 💐

While what you went through is awful, your experience has tainted reality somewhat.

I because very depressed and as a result it killed my relationship - I just upped and left as it felt like the best thing at the time.
No other woman etc involved.

[KateofGhent]

OP, still thinking of you and your family. You say your ex will not accept help for depression. There is a new organisation for men who can not normally discuss their feelings.
#andysmanclub
#itsoktotalk
They are a group who meet up in regional groups every Monday at 7 pm
If you can inform him possibly through your shared friendship group if you can't bear to see him.

[NicholJO]

Hi op I'm training to be a MH nurse in my training I have learnt that alot off men run from there problems leave home. if he's at his mums could his mum talk to him has its easier for men and women sometimes to talk to somebody who isn't so close to them counselling don't work for everyone. But there is alot of male MH groups online we have a great one in my city. I hope you find help and advice on here but I have seen this isn't always the best place to look for advice especially when it involves men. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful

[Aprilx]

I think men do leave relationships without there being anyone else, it is very tedious that everybody jumps to this conclusion, it doesn’t help anyway.

OP he is saying he still loves you to try and soften the blow, it is like the old line “it’s not you it’s me”. Don’t dwell or overthink it.

You will get through this the same way that millions upon millions of other people have got through it. With time. Only time is going to help you really. But you can try to help yourself whilst time gets to work, be kind to yourself, keep busy, surround yourself with family and friends. You will get there.

[Duckingella]

I think it's unfair that men get to duck out on their partners and children because of what they say is depression when if the woman in the relationship is depressed they rarely walk away from their partners and children and aren't given that option either.

[Anonymous94]

I feel like I’m starting to accept what’s happened a bit more. I don’t think there’s someone else involved but he’s just saying he doesn’t know what he wants etc, I feel like he’s trying to soften the blow. In my head it’s over because his actions have spoken louder than his words and if he comes to regret it or realises the grass isn’t greener then he won’t be coming back here. It’s hard for my eldest because he adored him, but I’ll protect him from as much of it as possible. I do love him but for him to say he still loves me is just hard to hear. We had a brief conversation about his future and I wasn’t in it so that’s the decision made for me. He might not say the actual words because he doesn’t have the guts to for some reason but I know it’s over. It’s just getting through the tough times that I need to deal with. I think I’ve cried enough now and he doesn’t deserve anymore of my tears.

[TheWelshTart]

He's a coward acting like this, thinking only of himself. You just need to catch up with him - this isn't something he has just suddenly decided. You will find out the truth in due course.

[SprayedWithDettol]

It's 'the script' same old nonsense trotted out by every single cheating man. Unoriginal but they think they are oh so clever.

OP. I've been there, many many years ago before MN, so I didn't have the wealth of knowledge from others as you do now. I got through and you will too.

Don't beg, don't blame yourself and keep going. One day you will be relieved you aren't saddled with this waste of space.

Just remember be isnt your friend any more. Don't look for signs of the person you thought he was, all that will do is wrong foot you. Protect yourself and children and don't give in.

Im very happy now in a long marriage with a good man. Life does get better.

[Whatnext2023]

I think having children with someone who has broken your heart is hard in a different way too. Without children you can go cold turkey - cut ties - pretend they didn't even exist! But remaining in touch to navigate visits etc is very hard. They are still alive and happy - yet just choosing not to be with you. So, so, tough. Try to stay as business like and boundaried as possible about it - don’t let him in mentally.

I’ve recommended it here before but try reading Rosie Greens ‘how to heal a broken heart…’ book - it got me through some of my darkest moments…

[Anonymous94]

I’ve booked myself in for a full glow up over the weekend. Don’t really get much time to myself but I’m going to get it done when he has the kids for a few hours over the weekend. Think a pampering session and a good girly chat is definitely needed.

[Anonymous94]

Thank you for that book suggestion, I enjoy reading so I’ll check it out! I don’t know how to tag people themselves so just putting it on here. Only recently started coming on this site so not up to speed with how everything works yet.

[TheShellBeach]

How awful of him, OP.
Do you think he's depressed?
Or do you think he looks happy, like he's got another woman on the go on the background?
Because I'm quite sure you're going to find out about her fairly soon.
I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

[Anonymous94]

He has been crying every time he’s seen me and keeps apologising for hurting me. Said even last night 3 days after splitting that if I wanted I can go through his phone for reassurance that he wasn’t cheating but I didn’t do that because it doesn’t make anything any better. I do believe that men can just up and leave without it always involving another women and if I’m honest he only knows a couple of women who are his friends partners so it’s not like he associates with women in general. I do think he is depressed as he does seem so down and he’s been like this prior to this happening but I don’t think it’s a reason to just up and leave when I can offer him support. Whatever the reason is he’s lost his family unit and the grass isn’t always greener.

[Livelifelaughter]

Firstly I am so sorry. Heartbreak is horrible. My ex husband left me because he needed space. I was so devestated, like you I could barely function. I literally couldn't be alone without company. I saw my doctor and for the first time in my life took antidepressants, it helped along with time. Lean on your friends, speak to your GP. My mother died recently and honestly even that didn't hurt as much as my husband leaving me. Please get help.

[Whatnext2023]

Hi @Anonymous94 - I just wondered how you were doing? I hope you managed to enjoy your pampering session… even if it just served as a little distraction…

[Itstimetoquit]

How are you op x