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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Absolutely heartbroken- need a bit of support

123 replies

Anonymous94 · 25/01/2023 08:59

Hi mumsnet, posted anonymous so none of my friends or family know that I’ve posted. Just a bit embarrassed really and need some support. Might be a bit of a long read but I’m just broken.
My partner of 5 years, father to one of my children and stepdad to my eldest, has out of the blue broken up with me on Monday night and just left the house. He didn’t tell me much, didn’t explicitly say it was over but said he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. I asked him to please stay as I was so confused but he didn’t.
I got angry on Tuesday morning and was asking what I’ve done to deserve this and how can he leave me and the kids like this and he said I haven’t done anything just that he needs space and time to work out what he wants. So I left him to it and he came to see the children after work. My eldest (he’s 8) knew that something wasn’t right and my partner (well now ex) told him we had broken up and my eldest didn’t take it very well and was quite upset understandably as he’s been a brilliant stepdad to him. I asked him did he want me or not I can’t be left in limbo and he said no he didn’t but was too scared to tell me because he knew I was heartbroken. Said we will sort contact for kids etc.
My question is how do I get through this? I’m absolutely heartbroken. Can’t stop crying, feel like I’ve lost a leg and I’m not sleeping or eating since he told me. How can I see him when he comes to collect the kids and not have my heart broken all over again? I love him so so much but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve done so much for him, helped him with anything and everything and we’ve had some tough times together but always sorted it out. He says he still loves me but that hurts because if he loved me how could he leave us? He’s not giving me much information. I’m trying to carry on for the kids but I’m genuinely dying inside. Please I need some support and words of encouragement :(

OP posts:

Report

KittyCatChat · 30/01/2023 14:25

Well done OP, keep going. Every day, pick yourself up and carry on. You are doing so well.

It does get easier!

Whatnext2023 · 05/02/2023 12:13

Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing @Anonymous94 ? Has the routine settled down a bit more? I hope you are feeling as ok as you can be right now…

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 12:19

I’ve started to accept the new way of life and we kind of have a routine in place. He’s coming for the rest of his stuff tonight, however he keeps hanging around and not just picking the kids up and leaving all of the time. I don’t have the heart to tell him to just go because it gives me anxiety and I’m not like him. But ideally I’d rather he just took the kids and left. He still keeps trying to phone when he doesn’t have the kids and when his friends are busy, he suddenly wants to speak to me then but I’ve been ignoring most of it. He chose this so stop pestering me.

OP posts:

Whatnext2023 · 05/02/2023 13:36

You sound like you are being amazingly strong and doing your best to keep your boundaries clear. Even though he sounds like he’s doing everything to break through them! Stay strong. You are doing amazingly.

I suppose his behaviour could be coming from many things… maybe genuine regret… or guilt… or a mix.

as long as you can see a way forward with how things are stuck to your guns! It’s still early days so a real routine will take a while to bed down…

Whatnext2023 · 05/02/2023 13:37

i meant stick to your guns!

FinallyHere · 05/02/2023 14:48

He chose this so stop pestering me.

Maybe the grass is not quite so green as he expected. Hold on for yourself, you have got this.

Floralnomad · 05/02/2023 14:58

Wow , you are doing amazingly well @Anonymous94 , does he have plans to find his own place so he can have the kids as it sounds like he’s quite happy with just having the odd hour .

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 05/02/2023 15:19

It's sounds like he just wanted you to sob and beg for him, and become his lap dog at his convenience.

I've been there, my ex dumped me after meeting cheating with another woman. When she lost interest he started ringing me again, wanting to see me and just chat to me like we were friends or something.

By then I had gotten some self esteem, just started dating my now DH and was just agog st the nerve!

Stick to your guns OP, get a temporary schedule in place but tell him you expect him to find accommodation so he can have his children EOW and be a proper Dad.

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:13

He has said about saving up for his own place but he wouldn’t afford the bills with what his bills already are like Child maintenance, car, insurance, debt etc so can’t see him leaving his mums anytime soon and he has the kids for a couple of weeknights for an hour and a full day Saturday but he was already an 1.5 hours late yesterday morning as he “slept in” because he went out Friday night. So I told him if he can’t stick to the arrangement then he doesn’t have them. He hounds me when he does have them and then when he’s picking up he wants to hang around which is bothering me. I think he’s regretting leaving but he’s not said that and I think he’s too pig headed to say that. Just keeps saying that he doesn’t want us to fall out and wants to be friends but I can’t see how that’s going to work being friends.

OP posts:

Daisymaker · 05/02/2023 16:21

What age is he?

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:24

He’s 24, I’m 28 and this is the first time I’ve ever been with anyone younger than myself. At first the age gap with me being older did bother me but he reassured me and then this happened so I wish I didn’t go there. The only good thing is that we have a child together and he was a brilliant stepdad to my older child

OP posts:

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/02/2023 16:25

Start to do hand overs at the door, don't let him in , here you go, change of clothes are in the bag, bye kids, and shut the door.

Floralnomad · 05/02/2023 16:32

That explains it then , he’s probably got loads of single mates and wants to be a carefree bachelor . Does your older child see his bio dad as I’d be a bit concerned that this muppet might start only wanting to play dad to his one .

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:33

He just walks in so I’ve said to ring me when he’s outside but he hasn’t been. I have really bad anxiety so I think that if I tell him to just take them and leave that he’s going to go mad at me. He can be really nasty

OP posts:

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:35

It’s funny because we have the same friendship group and everyone has a partner so him and one other lad are the only single people in the group. Although I’ve stopped going out with them now because my ex always is and it would just be awkward. So I’ve lost him and a group of my friends. They speak to me separately but it’s just very awkward

OP posts:

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:36

And yeah my older son sees his dad every weekend and then sees my ex on Sundays and a few nights in the week. I told him that technically he doesn’t have to see him anymore but he said he still sees him as his son as he was only 3 when we got together and he’s raised him alongside me and bio dad for 5 years so wasn’t going to just stop seeing him

OP posts:

rainyalan · 05/02/2023 16:40

First of all lock your door and make sure you have his key back. Let him see the kids say Tuesday and Thursday and then alternate Saturdays and Sundays. If it's not about the kids or an emergency ignore his messages.

RedHelenB · 05/02/2023 16:40

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:24

He’s 24, I’m 28 and this is the first time I’ve ever been with anyone younger than myself. At first the age gap with me being older did bother me but he reassured me and then this happened so I wish I didn’t go there. The only good thing is that we have a child together and he was a brilliant stepdad to my older child

He was very young when he took on being a step dad and father. If you're certain there's no one else I assume he feels like he's missing out on life being in a relationship. It will get easier, time is a healer.

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 16:44

That’s what I thought also, he said he feels like he got into a relationship too quickly with me but he was the one doing most of the pursuing, and he knew I came with a child so he had so many opportunities in the early days to not be with me if he didn’t want that life. He’s not said that to me in those words but I think it plays a part but to then go on and have a second child with me. If he didn’t want this life then he could have left with no ties attached and I’m 100% certain there’s no one else. He’s not one of those types of men. He’s never cheated, he doesn’t agree with cheating and he only speaks to girls in the friendship group. He’s always acted with morals and integrity. But I suppose you never truly know someone.

OP posts:

SelinaKant · 05/02/2023 17:55

OP: "Even asked if I wanted to be FWB to which I said absolutely not a chance. Just wish I could, not slept or barely eaten in a week since it’s all happened."

Yeah OP - this is not a good man, He isn't really a "man" at all though, is he? He was 19 when you met him. You were a single parent yet you say you financially supported him. So, you scraped him off the floor, but now he feels tied down and that he is still a very young man and wants his freedom.

In six months from now, you will look at him and wonder what the hell the last 4 years was about. Like a spell ending, you will see him for what and who he is - an opportunist, a shameless user, a manipulative, selfish cruel bastard.

You're going to be fine. Sometimes it's a really good idea to be free of a man for a good long time and just be yourself, and please don't rescue any more of them. Rescued men always end up kicking you in the teeth.

Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 18:01

He’s always been in and out of jobs so for half of our relationship I supported him and paid his bills etc until he got his truck driving license and then he stayed in work. I think that’s what shocked me the most was that I did absolutely everything for him and for him to leave in the way that he did just shocked me. But I’m over the shock now and to be honest I’m glad he’s left. I never should have taken the chance that I did on him because I’m independent etc and he wasn’t. However we did have a beautiful baby out of it. So it’s not all bad. If he said he wanted to come back I’d say no at this point as I’ve not done 2 weeks of this for nothing. For him to then decide he wants to leave again. Funny thing is that he’s not exactly living his life. Goes out a few nights and then still rings/ messages me everyday when he’s back on his mums sofa.

OP posts:

Guinealover123 · 05/02/2023 20:38

You sound like a very strong lady! You should be very proud of how you are dealing with this horrid situation. So much of what you have said sounds similar to my situation (together 10 years, stepdad to my daughter, walked out last Christmas when I was 5 months pregnant out of the blue). Friends told me they were sure it was for another woman, it wasn't, I think it was a combination of poor mental health, an early midlife crisis and wanting to run around playing with his friends 🙄

I applaud you for sticking to your guns, mine walked out 4 times over the course of our relationship and I was stupid for thinking he had matured and wouldn't do it again.

Time is the best healer, I still have sad days but remember your worth. You deserve better than an immature coward who walks out on his family!!

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Anonymous94 · 05/02/2023 20:47

@Guinealover123 aw your situation sounded awful! Why do men behave this way, I’d love to know. Being pregnant as well must have been horrific for you :( I think that’s what stops me taking him back- if he was to try to come back, but I doubt he will to be honest, is the thought of him upping and leaving again once we get back to a good place. The trust has completely gone. It’s like he’s not even accepted that he’s single himself by how often he still phones and messages me. Starting off saying “how are the kids” then on to something else, then as soon as Friday rolls around he’s no where to be seen. I think it’s getting used to the new way of life that’s the hardest part.

OP posts:

Guinealover123 · 06/02/2023 07:17

I honestly have no idea. It is like they have no heart!! I think my ex would have come back again but this time I put all his belongings in bin bags and left it outside. Enough was finally enough!! It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds! Wants the family life and the single life too. How are the children coping? It sounds daft but I think you go through a grieving process, you are grieving the family you though you had, the person you thought you knew. It takes a while to adjust but I hope karma gets these selfish males eventually!!

Anonymous94 · 06/02/2023 08:27

@Guinealover123 the children have started to adjust, the little one is only 2 nearly so he doesn’t have any idea really bless him but my eldest is getting used to him picking him up etc and then dropping him off. I’m bagging the rest of his stuff up this morning and then he can pick it up after work. I’ve had enough at this point to be honest. He’s just a self centred idiot.

OP posts:

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