Absolutely heartbroken- need a bit of support

[Anonymous94]

Hi mumsnet, posted anonymous so none of my friends or family know that I’ve posted. Just a bit embarrassed really and need some support. Might be a bit of a long read but I’m just broken.

My partner of 5 years, father to one of my children and stepdad to my eldest, has out of the blue broken up with me on Monday night and just left the house. He didn’t tell me much, didn’t explicitly say it was over but said he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. I asked him to please stay as I was so confused but he didn’t.
I got angry on Tuesday morning and was asking what I’ve done to deserve this and how can he leave me and the kids like this and he said I haven’t done anything just that he needs space and time to work out what he wants. So I left him to it and he came to see the children after work. My eldest (he’s 8) knew that something wasn’t right and my partner (well now ex) told him we had broken up and my eldest didn’t take it very well and was quite upset understandably as he’s been a brilliant stepdad to him. I asked him did he want me or not I can’t be left in limbo and he said no he didn’t but was too scared to tell me because he knew I was heartbroken. Said we will sort contact for kids etc.
My question is how do I get through this? I’m absolutely heartbroken. Can’t stop crying, feel like I’ve lost a leg and I’m not sleeping or eating since he told me. How can I see him when he comes to collect the kids and not have my heart broken all over again? I love him so so much but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve done so much for him, helped him with anything and everything and we’ve had some tough times together but always sorted it out. He says he still loves me but that hurts because if he loved me how could he leave us? He’s not giving me much information. I’m trying to carry on for the kids but I’m genuinely dying inside. Please I need some support and words of encouragement :(

Hi, so it’s been a rough few days. He was coming to see the kids and then not leaving when it was time, he’s been going out with his mates but thinking he can come round here when they were busy so I told him no and he got a mood on. I’ve started to accept this is reality now and I’ve been ignoring all phone calls and texts for 2 days. He’s due to pick them up tonight after work but to be honest I can’t face him. Kept phoning me up saying he’s sad and still cares about me and I said well you chose this life. He went to the pub yesterday and then tried to phone at 9 which I just ignored. Even asked if I wanted to be FWB to which I said absolutely not a chance. Just wish I could, not slept or barely eaten in a week since it’s all happened.

Just wish I could sleep*

To be honest I’ve been getting on with life with my kids with my mums support but I feel like he wants me to be crying over him forever. He said he wanted space but hasn’t left me alone unless he had plans. He’s been alternating between his mums and one of his friends sofas. I feel like it’s emotional abuse a little bit because when I say I want him to leave he storms out and swears or when he’s not working or going out he wants to speak to me then but I’m not a second option. His dad took me for some lunch yesterday because I’ve always had a good relationship with his dad and his dad said he’s not going to ignore me just because he’s done this and my ex wasn’t too happy about that. His family are confused by it all and thinks he’s been an idiot as there was no reason to leave. He had everything but it wasn’t enough . He won’t speak to anyone about why he’s left and it’s because he wants to be round his mates drinking or smoking every night so can’t say that because it just sounds ridiculous. Even though he went out anyway when we were together. At this point I feel like nothing else needs to be said but we have kids together so it’s not like I can ignore him forever.

Wow he really wants his cake and eat it too! well done for putting some boundaries in place, but you need to make it totally clear you are no longer his support teddy bear to pick up and drop as he chooses.

Could he not have contact time with the kids at his parents? Or take them out?

Yeah he takes them to his mums after work for an hour or so and then for a few hours at the weekend but they can’t sleep because there isn’t even a room for him, he’s on the sofa so at the moment he’s seeing them in the day and at teatime then gets to do what he wants every single night whilst I have them. So I’ll have to wait until he has his own place before he can have them overnight and he won’t cope. He didn’t even when I was doing the nighttime routine/ wake ups etc. I feel better off without him but it’s the one minute he’s fine and the next he’s being horrible to me stuff that I can’t cope with. He wants me when his friends are busy and then when he’s out doesn’t bother. I’d rather he didn’t bother at all and since I ignored him he’s spammed my phone will calls. Asking his family to message me and things

Tell him if he doesn't want to be part of the family any more, he needs to leave you all alone (apart from seeing the DC). You need time to heal and recover and you can't do that if he's always there. Also tell him that his dad hasn't deserted you, and will always be the DC's grandad.

I told him I’m not going to stop seeing his dad just because we broke up and he said he understands that and he said we’re still his family and he still wants to see ME as well as the kids. Well why if you wanted to go? Also said he didn’t want to explicitly end it in case I found someone else. So he doesn’t want me but equally doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. Sorry but he doesn’t get a say in my business anymore and moving onto someone else isn’t even a thought at this time.

@Anonymous94 another message just to say that we are here still for you.
I couldn’t offer practical advice, I’m not at that stage of life, but still, have been reading and sending you prayers

Oh sorry my computer is slow, will read the updates

No he doesn't get to see 'you' he broke up with you, he can't just pick you up to play with and out you down when he wants to, you're a human being with feelings.

I'd ignore him unless he texts a direct question about the dc.

That’s what I’ve been doing. Unless it’s to do with the kids I haven’t responded to anything. He wasn’t bothered about bedtime when he was at the pub last night living it up. He rang at 9 and they go to bed at 7 so I just ignored it. There’s no point in realising 2 hours later that he’s not asked and thinking I’d respond and he asked to be friends. Why would I want a friendship at this point. He’s honestly living in denial.

I feel like he’s panicking a bit because he’s lost all control of this situation now that I’ve reacted completely differently to how he expected me to react. I had 3 days of hell but I’m picking myself back up again now and he doesn’t like it.

Oh I’m so sorry to read your updates💚
You say he takes them to his mum’s, what’s her position on this ? It seems from what you say his parents are divorced ? Could taking them to his dad, who does sound like a good man from what you say, be an option ?

Could any of your family support you through getting a court visitation agreement ? It sounds like he’ll be upheavaling you life for a while unfortunately. Could his dad support you in court as in providing a safe space for contact etc ?

Oh wow! This guy really does want to have his cake and eat it! It’s almost laughable if it wasn’t so awful in totally throwing your life upside down and making you feel so utterly terrible.

So he thought he wanted the single ‘jack the lad’ life and already he’s decided that it doesn’t feel so great without a comfy home life and wife to return to… poor thing…

How dare he think you’d just be there to facilitate that single man life for him and still offer the fun parts of a family life on a plate? And as for the moodiness, he really is like a big boy stamping his feet when he doesn’t get his own way!!

I have such admiration for how you are handling it. Sounds like you are staying strong, putting boundaries in place and seeing him for the man child he is. You’ve got this OP!

So he admits he's keeping you dangling and doesn't want to tell you it's over in case you move on? That's called keeping you on the back burner. He needs to grow some balls and give you a decision and if he's not going to do that then you have the right to make that decision for him, but don't be surprised if he uses that against you in future by telling you it wasn't him that ended it. That's probably what he is pushing for because it makes it easier for him. Do you really want to be kept on the back burner? Tell him he has all the time in the world to decide what he wants but he can't expect you to wait around and either needs to just tell you or you will move forward on the assumption he has ended it by his own actions. If you can find your anger just tell him to fuck off and move on anyway.

Both parents (yes divorced) have messaged saying they will help support me and things and he can’t take them to his dads because he has 5 little dogs that don’t really like children so I wouldn’t want to put the kids at risk and his dad understands that. His mum hasn’t really said much other than that because he’s not told her much but his dad really thinks the way he left is wrong and can’t understand his behaviour. I ideally wanted to keep the courts out of it and have an arrangement in place between ourselves but we’ve yet got to decide days and things with his long work days etc. I need to sit down and come up with a plan. He’s paying for them through standing order every time he gets paid so no need for CSA or anything at this point.

He did tell me on Friday after leaving on Monday that it was over but didn’t want to say it in case “it upset me”. But I knew it was coming so I didn’t react to it, I just said it was over the moment you left.

I am in awe of how strong you are being, OP, and it's brilliant that you are enforcing boundaries on your terms. It's still early days but I think the sooner you get an agreed schedule in place of when he has the kids – i.e. 50/50 or EOW etc - the better it will be for them and you. He can't lob a grenade in your lives then think he can come and go as he pleases.

He wanted to see them every night from 5- half 6/7 and then for the day on either a Saturday or a Sunday but I don’t think the every night after work will be beneficial because then I’m having to see him 6 days a week and that’s too much for me so I’ll have a good think tonight when the kids are in bed and come up with a plan. It will never be 50/50 because he works a lot but as long as he does stick to whatever arrangement we make then I’ll be happy with that

No, every day after work isn't practical because kids need routine and you don't need the drama if they've got school the next day. Plus, as you say, why should you have to see him every night because that's what he wants? Until he gets more suitable accommodation sorted, I'd offer him one school night a week and one weekend day (whichever one you're happy with) and arrange to be out of the house while he's there on the weeknight (at the weekend he should take them out). He needs to understand that he's left the family home and doesn't get to dip in and out when it suits him.

He’s not been seeing them here since I said something, he’s been taking them round the corner to his mums and I agree with the weeknights. It’s just hard because my eldest keeps asking when he’s going to see him and things so just had to explain that this is our life now and we will all adjust and get through it together and until he has his own accommodation it will only be a temporary arrangement

Ah, I missed where you said he's taking them to his mum's. I feel so sorry for you and your DC. He's blown up his life and for what? So he can go to the pub a bit more with his mates. It doesn't sound like he's met anyone, rather than he thinks the grass is greener as a single man. What will you do if he changes his mind and begs you to make another go of it?

I’ll be telling him there’s absolutely no chance. I’ve not done a week of heartbreak to then do it again when he decides he wants to leave again. The trust has gone and yeah he’s not one of those men that likes the ladies or anything. He’s definitely a man’s man but it all just sounds sp pathetic on his end.

There should be an instant ban for posters who spout this lazy, cliched and cringeworthy trope. Do you think it makes you sound clever? It really doesn't.

Why are some posters so arrogant as to assume that they know, all about somebody else's relationship?

Just stop it.

Anonymous94, I'm so sorry, it's just horrendous, isn't it? Like a mantle of pain that just presses down on you all the time.

I've nothing helpful to say really, just adding my voice to the poster supporting you. It will pass but not for a while.