Absolutely heartbroken- need a bit of support

[Anonymous94]

Hi mumsnet, posted anonymous so none of my friends or family know that I’ve posted. Just a bit embarrassed really and need some support. Might be a bit of a long read but I’m just broken.
My partner of 5 years, father to one of my children and stepdad to my eldest, has out of the blue broken up with me on Monday night and just left the house. He didn’t tell me much, didn’t explicitly say it was over but said he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. I asked him to please stay as I was so confused but he didn’t.
I got angry on Tuesday morning and was asking what I’ve done to deserve this and how can he leave me and the kids like this and he said I haven’t done anything just that he needs space and time to work out what he wants. So I left him to it and he came to see the children after work. My eldest (he’s 8) knew that something wasn’t right and my partner (well now ex) told him we had broken up and my eldest didn’t take it very well and was quite upset understandably as he’s been a brilliant stepdad to him. I asked him did he want me or not I can’t be left in limbo and he said no he didn’t but was too scared to tell me because he knew I was heartbroken. Said we will sort contact for kids etc.
My question is how do I get through this? I’m absolutely heartbroken. Can’t stop crying, feel like I’ve lost a leg and I’m not sleeping or eating since he told me. How can I see him when he comes to collect the kids and not have my heart broken all over again? I love him so so much but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve done so much for him, helped him with anything and everything and we’ve had some tough times together but always sorted it out. He says he still loves me but that hurts because if he loved me how could he leave us? He’s not giving me much information. I’m trying to carry on for the kids but I’m genuinely dying inside. Please I need some support and words of encouragement :(

[Andypandy799]

@Anonymous94 stand your ground and stay strong 💐

[Anonymous94]

Thank you, I’ve done really well. He refused to take his stuff last night and said he will take out today and looked surprised that I had bagged it all up. Not sure why he’s surprised because he’s the one that left.

[Guinealover123]

Good for you! Always the same, they want the best of both worlds. Everything will work out for the best. Neither you, nor your children need somebody who will just up and leave on a whim.

[VikingsandDragons]

Hope you're doing okay @Anonymous94

[Anonymous94]

I’m doing good but unfortunately he did follow “the script”. I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t actually cheat on me but his head was turned. I saw a girls name with a love heart next to her name pop up on his phone last week, he tried to deny it. Apparently it’s nothing like that and they’re just friends and he’s only met up with her once and they’ve not been speaking “like that”. He delivers to the chippy she works in, so he’s been speaking to her face to face for at least 6 months, since he started there. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach when the truth started coming out. He said he regrets leaving me but he knows I’d never take him back now. He’s been blocked for a week since I found out he “took her number when we split”. My mum has been taking the kids to him and picking them up so I don’t have to see him. I can’t bring myself to speak to him, he’s been trying through family but I’ve ignored all attempts. I’m absolutely dumbfounded. Turns out they’ve been smoking weed together and I’m drug free which he knows. I can’t believe that this is the person I spent 5 years of my life with. Head turning, smoking drugs, lying about her having a boyfriend, love hearts and a secret meet up. I’m absolutely done with having him in my life now.

[Anonymous94]

I didn’t want to believe that that was the reason why he left. I was in complete shock, broke down when I was building myself back up again. He said he doesn’t want a relationship or anything with her, just friendship but you don’t get someone’s number unless intentions are there. She doesn’t even live near us, she lives 45-60 mins away. He’s hardly been seeing the kids, he said he wants to apologise to me for what he’s done but I won’t let him because I won’t see him. His words. I know he can’t stay blocked forever but for now it’s what’s best for my mental health. I just can’t believe it. He’s never had form for anything like this and literally the day before I saw her name pop up he said he regrets leaving, that he misses me and is it too late to say sorry. I’m so glad I didn’t fall for any of it. He even had the audacity to text her in MY kitchen when he was picking the kids up, to which I confronted him and he lied again. So after that I just texted him the kids arrangements and then blocked him. He’s absolutely disgusting.

[Whatnext2023]

Hi @Anonymous94 - I’m so sorry to hear this. What a massive disappointment he’s turned out to be. He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve far, far better. I completely understand you not even wanting to see him. Splitting is so cruel with children… both for the children, but also for us, as you’re still constantly faced with the person that betrayed and traumatised you, when all you need is just a clean break. Keep him blocked for as long as you can and even moving forward if the schedule is sorted there should be minimal need to communicate about anything other than childcare arrangements. You needn’t even look him in the eye when doing this… if that helps protect you and take back control.

You sound incredibly strong although I imagine breaking inside. Thinking of you. Stay strong for your sake… we are all right behind you.

[Anonymous94]

@Whatnext2023 thank you so much for your support, I feel like I’ve been living a lie for the past 5 years as it turns out there clearly wasn’t enough temptation around him as he worked in predominantly men based jobs, but to break the family apart over a weed smoking chippy girl is madness to me. I gave him my whole life and in return he betrayed me. He said he wants a friendship with me for the kids sake but it’s just gone beyond that now. I can’t bring myself to look at him, let alone talk to him and he’s not even been sticking to arrangements, instead trying to change times or cancel days, letting my 8 year old down. I’m so torn on whether to let him continue seeing the kids or not as in fairness he doesn’t actually bring a great deal to their lives. I feel like I’ve been living a huge lie.

[Guinealover123]

@Anonymous94 so sorry to hear what you are going through. As others have said he definitely doesn't deserve you but I know that won't help at the minute. Some males never grow up and don't value what they have. They think the grass is greener (which it never is). You have been together a long time so this betrayal will feel awful, be thankful you have found out now what he is really like and you don't need to waste any more of your precious time on a worthless piece of s*.

[Abc12389]

Sorry op, I read you initial post and thought there’s someone else. Then I read your update before commenting.

I once read on here ‘if it doesn’t make sense it means some information is missing’.

[Anonymous94]

@Guinealover123 i can’t believe that I didn’t even scream or shout when I found out, I was surprisingly really calm. I think I knew in my gut that there was more to it, why he left but obviously it did come as a shock. I just asked him to leave to which he said I was overthinking it and it’s nothing like that. The usual BS. He told me just before he got blocked that he broke his own heart and for no reason. Well he made that decision so he can live with it now. I forgave him for a lot of things but the moment another woman is involved, that’s something that I’ll never ever forgive.

[Anonymous94]

@Abc12389 i was so surprised. I never once thought that someone else was involved. For the whole of our relationship he never gave me any doubts, wasn’t secretive or anything like that so I think that’s what made the blow worse. Well hopefully him and his partner in crack will have a lovely time together. Absolutely vile behaviour.

[Abc12389]

I now think if the grass looks greener it’s because there’s more manure over there.

Take care of yourself. Write down three good things each day. Write what you are feeling, then burn it if you want, it will help you process.

Remember he chose to do this. If he wasn’t happy with your relationship he could have talked to you, suggested counselling or a book. But he chose the cowards way. You are not responsible for his lack of integrity. It’s important that you make sure you remember that so you maintain your self esteem. People dehumanise and rewrite history to justify their actions. But fundamentally he gave himself permission to open the door to this woman instead to talking to you.

Lots of websites to help you get through this. But you need to get the feelings processed so you go forward in life with positivity. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous94]

I feel better that he’s gone to be honest and I’m glad I know the truth now. He will see that the grass isn’t greener one day and I won’t be here to take him back. I’m moving on with life, taking care of my kids and meeting friends. What he does now is none of my concern as long as my kids aren’t impacted. If he has weed around my kids then he won’t be seeing them. I told him this so hopefully he won’t be that stupid. I can actually sleep at night knowing I did nothing wrong except try to save the relationship which I wouldn’t have done had I known at the time, what I know now.

[Floralnomad]

There’s always a reason and at least you know what it was , you sound like you are handling it brilliantly @Anonymous94 .

[Anonymous94]

Thank you and I’ve surprised myself with my reaction to be honest. I don’t even cry anymore, I’m so over him and his crap. What a disgraceful person.

[Lambchop1]

sorry to hear this OP, sending you hugs.

start communicating with him through a third party if you can. Have a third party present when he picks kids up and have no direct contact with him for the time being. This is the only thing that worked for me. I couldn’t get over the pain of the breakup when I was still having to see him. It really helped when I had some distance and didn’t have to see his texts etc. I then got fit, healthy and moved on with my life. You will do the same, but give yourself time to grieve and make that space for yourself by distancing from him altogether. He made his choice now let him live with it.

[Anonymous94]

My mum has been doing the kids pick up/ drop off and I’ve been communicating with him through his dad as I’m close with his dad, I’ve barely communicated with him myself since I found out a week ago. I’m too disgusted to even look at him. I’ve also been working on my fitness and looking my best etc and it feels nice to be looked at again, although I’m not in the process of entertaining anyone haha.

[Guinealover123]

@Abc12389 'People dehumanise and rewrite history to justify their actions.' I love this analogy and sadly it is very true.

@Anonymous94 you sound like a super strong lady. You also have your priorities in order (your children) unlike him. How are the children doing?

[Anonymous94]

I’ve told him he’s not seeing them now until he provides a negative drugs test, he doesn’t see them. He’s dropped them off tonight and I’ve had to unblock him because there was a video of my youngest left on his own strapped into a camping chair actually walking around with it attached to him, that my eldest had videoed. So I obviously queried it and he did nothing but verbally abuse me, so I just snapped and said why was he alone, I think his dad was in the back garden smoking weed but he said he was getting changed. However after the abuse I just snapped and said until you’re clean you don’t see them. Then blocked again. I’m so done with feeling like they’re not 100% safe with him. I’ll probably get abuse off his mum but so be it. He said I’ve been using the kids against him when I never even stopped him to begin with.

[Floralnomad]

His mum could always come to yours on her own to see the kids , if she condones his behaviour then she’s an idiot .

[Anonymous94]

She doesn’t give a F about what he does or seeing the kids. She occasionally messages about them but that’s it. I just don’t feel like they’re safe there when he’s clearly stoned and driving around with them stoned when he’s dropping them off. But to verbally abuse me when I questioned my sons safety is just disgusting and I won’t tolerate that.

[Floralnomad]

Just block her as well