I don’t know how to move past this comment

[HotPotInASpot]

Background info - 15 years ago X happened to me. It was a hugely traumatic event, I had years of counselling, I still regularly wake up screaming, I have both physical scars from X self harm scars as a result of being unable to cope all over me, I cannot speak about it without having a full panic attack, if I see anything related on the news I have to do a full deescalation routine to stop myself panicking. About a decade ago a book was written about X and the author said he would either use my words from police interviews and the court case or I could write a statement that he’d include. I did the latter and various parts of this are included in his book. This is the only time I have used my own words to describe it other than to the police and court. I absolutely cannot physically discuss it.

I’ve been casually seeing a man for a couple of years. About a year in after I woke up at his screaming I sent him a message to say X happened to me, if you want details read this book, I can’t speak about it but I want you to understand. Recently he moved closer as his eldest had left for uni so we decided to give the relationship a proper go rather than just seeing each other a couple of times a month due to distance/ childcare. I introduced him to my dc for the first time a couple of months ago and I really thought we had a proper future together, never had an argument or disagreement since we’ve met.

Then at the weekend we were chatting about stuff and he mentioned a few things he wanted to do in the next couple of years as he felt he’d led a fairly unexciting life up until recently. I said that unexciting isn’t necessarily a bad thing and he said that it was easy for me to say. That I’ve lived the most exciting life out of anyone he knows and he finds it absolutely fascinating. I didn’t really know what he meant and asked him to clarify as, apart from a bit of travelling that ended in a few disastrous comedy moments as a young adult my life had been pretty straightforward. He said “all the stuff you said about X in the book. I’ve read it so many times and I know I’ve never talked to you about it but it’s such a huge, fascinating thing. So often I’ll look at you and you’ll be completely normal and lovely and I am just amazed that you’ve gone through this incredible thing.”

It just broke me. I left and came home and told him that I found the comment really upsetting. He’s apologised profusely for upsetting me but keeps saying it was just badly worded rather than that he didn’t mean it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting because I know I don’t necessarily react rationally when it comes to X. I hate the thought that he’s ever looking at me thinking X happened to me. Please can someone give advice.

[AkashTime]

I mean, to try and fully understand what happened during the X event.

[WhatWouldHopperDo]

I agree it's weird to link his desire to do some more exciting things in his life with your trauma. The two are completely unrelated. Him suggesting what happened to you somehow makes your life seem interesting is bad enough but to suggest it means you have lead an exciting life is totally inappropriate.

I suppose how you deal with it depends on whether he can accept he was inappropriate and can agree to not discuss it further as you have previously asked. The problem is that to have those conversations you will be rehashing at least some of what you have experienced and it is obvious from your posts (very understandably) that you can't do that.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

[SpookyBlackCat]

I just can't understand why he'd say that to you. I'm getting grief vampire vibes from him. I also would find it hard to move on from this. I think maybe he's not the right guy for you.

[SpookyBlackCat]

By grief vampire, I mean, I know a woman whose neighbor went through a sad tragedy and she was all over it. Lapping up the details, inserting herself into everything that happened. She portrayed herself as helping, but I found her behaviour disturbing like she needed to be in the thick of everything that was going on and was getting off on the drama. I think there is a certain type of person like this, which is what I think this guy sounds like. It's creepy AF.

[AkashTime]

@HotPotInASpot

I could understand the clumsiness of words if he hadn’t linked it to him wanting to do something exciting with his life. One of the things he was saying he wanted to do was walk some long distance path in Spain on his own then immediately saying I’ve led such an interesting life because of X.

Ok, I see your point. There was nothing exciting about X and what happened to you during that event.

[hugefanofcheese]

OK, following your update, plus his lack of understanding of why his take on events would be inappropriate or upset you, I don't think he is bright or empathetic enough compared to what you deserve.

I have experience in a roughly similar ballpark to yours and expect a caring and mature partner to understand that I have been deeply affected, in a negative way. Perhaps people can draw some positives from their trauma over the years but that is not the main outcome.

If he used words like 'fascinating' then that is so insensitive and as I say, prurient. If the book is mainly about the perpetrator and briefly covers your unfortunate connection with him then this feels like a man who doesn't really understand women, if he thinks you are more interesting by association with some monster.

It's not that I absolutely wouldn't allow him a chance to explain himself (although you absolutely don't owe him that), but he doesn't seem like someone who gets you.

[IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme]

You have every right to be wary of him moving forward.I'm not sure I could see him in the same way again. He seems almost fixated by the terrible trauma you've been through.
Personally I'd be moving on from this guy.

[Opaljewel]

@HotPotInASpot

@ouch321 I’m obviously not going to say what it was. It’s not only deeply distressing but it’s completely outing and I’d rather not do that. Suffice to say it was an event traumatic enough to leave me permanently physically and mentally scarred, a huge court case and a book written about it.

I just want to wish you peace and happiness after all you've been through.

[BoadiceaOverall]

I'd struggle to move past it at all. He seems to be treating a deeply traumatic event with an almost voyeuristic interest.

I'm sorry for whatever you went through OP.

[WindowsSmindows]

The walk in Spain

Is. The. Camino..

A friend of mine walked it years ago and saw it as a quest for meaning, a sort of rite of passage to a more thoughtful meaningful way of living. She was a Buddhist and going through an existential crises.


I don't know if that's helpful info, but it's not seen as just a walk for many it's a pilgrimage into something deep and meaningful

[steppemum]

I have read all the comments and really tried to see the other side - was he clumsy with words, did he mean to say that you are amazing and resislient?

But honestly, from your original OP, I think he is unhealthily interested in X. The re-reading of the ook, calling is fascinating, thinking that you have lead and 'exciting' life.
They are off. And I would feel uncomfortable with all of them.

Your additional comment about him usually being good with words really squashes the idea that he was clumsy with his language.

I am sorry OP, I think he is not for you.

[HotPotInASpot]

@WindowsSmindows not sure what’s that’s got to do with anything. It’s still just going for a walk.

[ThereIbledit]

@WindowsSmindows Which would be relevant if he'd have said something clumsy about finding the meaning of life, triumph above adversity, overcoming huge challenge or something. Not exciting and interesting. Not when he's a man for whom the correct words are important for his job. Not in the context of having read the book over and over.

[Peridot1]

Exactly @HotPotInASpot. He put it in the context of something exciting to do. Not something healing.

[kittybiscuits]

There is some incredible pretzel-logic on this thread OP, trying to spin an innocent meaning to what he said. His comments as you've relayed them sound shallow and self-centered, at best.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. What a survivor you are. Please take all the time and space that you need to listen to yourself and hear your own needs. You're actually very clear about what he said and how he said it. That really comes across in your responses to other people's different interpretations. Don't ignore your gut. Don't see him until you want to. It also gives him space to reflect on what he said, if he's that way inclined. Step away until you know what you want to do next.

[ItsaMetalBand]

While nowhere near as traumatic as what you have suffered, due to an incident, I panic when there's anything around my neck - I can't even stand a polo neck or an apron strap. And even gentle hands on my neck, it has to be prewarned - if it's without warning, I freak out.

I mentioned it to DH once why I had this, and it was never mentioned again in the decades after. But he's not ever touched my neck in a way that would cause me to panic ever since.

I think that you should do a bit of thinking on this. There are people who love being in the proximity of a notable person, to be able to tell people they know them. (I work with one and she's a ghoul) That's fine if your sister's friends second cousin is a supermodel who you met once at the petrol station but much less so when it's a) a traumatic event that caused your 'fame' and b) when it's your intimate partner who's getting such relish out of associating with you and having the inside scoop on your trauma.

It's the opposite of what a loving partner would do - he should feel protective, horrified at what happened, but he's not. He, with his great command of the English language finds it exciting. That's unsettling to say the least. So yeah, I'd be thinking about it if I were you.

[Batiqueattic]

Being good with words is his career. He said your life was exciting and he was talking about X. I don't think I could ever forgive that or want to be with someone who thought like that. I'm so sorry.

[HotPotInASpot]

He’s messaged me saying “I’m so sorry that I upset you, I promise you that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I meant that I’ve never met anyone like you, who has loved the life you have and I think everyone should want to be a bit like you”. So, no real apology for what he actually said.

[FictionalCharacter]

@HotPotInASpot

He’s messaged me saying “I’m so sorry that I upset you, I promise you that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I meant that I’ve never met anyone like you, who has loved the life you have and I think everyone should want to be a bit like you”. So, no real apology for what he actually said.

He still doesn’t get it, does he?

[HaroldTheStallion]

I think you're being too hard on him. Understandable so because what you've been through is clearly deeply traumatic and horrible and will have left huge scars. But this man seems to be trying to be understanding even if he hasn't got it perfect. He admires your strength as a survivor much as someone might admire someone who has been brave in the face of cancer or similar. I'm not saying it's right because obviously you had no choice in the matter, and I do think it's clumsy. However I think you're not giving him the benefit of the doubt and this is a trauma response more than it is about anything he has said or done.

[Ghostbuster2639]

However I think you're not giving him the benefit of the doubt and this is a trauma response more than it is about anything he has said or done

Its not a trauma response. I haven’t had trauma and I find his comments deeply disturbing. When a man describes your horrific attack as exciting, fascinating and incredible that is a serious concern.

It’s not normal to use that sort of language about serious crimes. I would have serious concerns about my own husband if he was discussing a similar issue in the news and described it as fascinating or incredible. It’s not normal.

[KarenW]

Agree wholeheartedly, he just doesn't get that he has upset you, and his comments were off on every level. This is not a caring partner, he isn't sorry!! Sending💐

[YouTarzan]

Its like he sees you as some kind of celebrity due to this incident, and like others I would question his need to read the book more than once. If you didn't want to tell me about the incident then I would regard it as invading your privacy to even read it once. It would be enough to know that this had happened, would not need details.

[Heronswater]

@Ghostbuster2639

However I think you're not giving him the benefit of the doubt and this is a trauma response more than it is about anything he has said or done

Its not a trauma response. I haven’t had trauma and I find his comments deeply disturbing. When a man describes your horrific attack as exciting, fascinating and incredible that is a serious concern.

It’s not normal to use that sort of language about serious crimes. I would have serious concerns about my own husband if he was discussing a similar issue in the news and described it as fascinating or incredible. It’s not normal.

Yes, it’s really concerning that he seems to view the victim of a horrific crime as some kind of exciting celebrity — is he one of those freaky true crime obsessives who spend their time poring over salacious details of serial killers’ modus operandi and see nothing wrong with it?

[Facecream]

Jesus Christ OP. You are remarkably strong. I would personally get this thread taken down- I’ve had to for posting about traumatic events and getting the third degree on MN and although you have had supportive comments throughout the thread I think the advice to follow your gut here or get counselling to help you decide and take time to be by yourself rather than letting him rush you all make sense.
Theres literally nothing exciting about what you went through - it’s absolutely horrific. You deserve all the love and support you can get, and admiration but this guy is absolutely not doing that