I don’t know how to move past this comment

[HotPotInASpot]

Background info - 15 years ago X happened to me. It was a hugely traumatic event, I had years of counselling, I still regularly wake up screaming, I have both physical scars from X self harm scars as a result of being unable to cope all over me, I cannot speak about it without having a full panic attack, if I see anything related on the news I have to do a full deescalation routine to stop myself panicking. About a decade ago a book was written about X and the author said he would either use my words from police interviews and the court case or I could write a statement that he’d include. I did the latter and various parts of this are included in his book. This is the only time I have used my own words to describe it other than to the police and court. I absolutely cannot physically discuss it.

I’ve been casually seeing a man for a couple of years. About a year in after I woke up at his screaming I sent him a message to say X happened to me, if you want details read this book, I can’t speak about it but I want you to understand. Recently he moved closer as his eldest had left for uni so we decided to give the relationship a proper go rather than just seeing each other a couple of times a month due to distance/ childcare. I introduced him to my dc for the first time a couple of months ago and I really thought we had a proper future together, never had an argument or disagreement since we’ve met.

Then at the weekend we were chatting about stuff and he mentioned a few things he wanted to do in the next couple of years as he felt he’d led a fairly unexciting life up until recently. I said that unexciting isn’t necessarily a bad thing and he said that it was easy for me to say. That I’ve lived the most exciting life out of anyone he knows and he finds it absolutely fascinating. I didn’t really know what he meant and asked him to clarify as, apart from a bit of travelling that ended in a few disastrous comedy moments as a young adult my life had been pretty straightforward. He said “all the stuff you said about X in the book. I’ve read it so many times and I know I’ve never talked to you about it but it’s such a huge, fascinating thing. So often I’ll look at you and you’ll be completely normal and lovely and I am just amazed that you’ve gone through this incredible thing.”

It just broke me. I left and came home and told him that I found the comment really upsetting. He’s apologised profusely for upsetting me but keeps saying it was just badly worded rather than that he didn’t mean it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting because I know I don’t necessarily react rationally when it comes to X. I hate the thought that he’s ever looking at me thinking X happened to me. Please can someone give advice.

I would never use the word exciting to describe something a traumatic event. It's very disturbing, like what happened was a movie.

I would be really weirded out at his language, and at him rereading the book. It feels very off.

OP, you have my sincere sympathy, and I’m hoping you won’t be drawn into saying more than you want to say here, about the traumatic event. You don’t have to answer comments. Please look after yourself. Most comments are supportive and well-meaning, but remember you can take a break to clear your mind, and return to read comments tomorrow.

First of all, I am so sorry that you went through something so distressing and traumatic.
I think his comment 'you are so lovely and normal' says a lot. People who have been through traumatic events (and survived) have to learn to 'put themselves back together again' The fact he says you are so lovely and normal is testament to the huge amount of strength you have, not to have let that trauma beat you or even let it show and I commend you for that. That takes pure courage.

Others can be quick to stereotype someone who has been through severe trauma, almost expecting them to look and act in a certain way or 'wear' their trauma. (Although part of taking back control from a traumatic situation is not to allow it to defeat you)* *

When you 'appear' normal others may not actually understand that the trauma is still very much there (it never leaves you) and its bubbling away under the surface.
You just learn to put up a facade and I'd really hope someone who has been so close to you would learn to recognise this by now.

I would say, keep focusing on your ongoing recovery. The stronger you get (and I promise, you will just keep getting stronger and stronger) the more confidence you will have to tell people outright that their behaviour is completely unacceptable.

OP, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you went through X

Something that is obviously totally and utterly traumatizing experience for OP, this man considers exciting. I am so sorry but this is totally f... up. I do not think that anything he says or does in future can fix this. As someone who had such an experience in life, you need an extra sensitive partner, with highest level or emotional intelligence and this man is not it. That is the bottom line.

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through such trauma HotPot. The impact of it is clearly immense.

You know, the word that comes up for me when seeing his words is voyeuristic. That he is somehow imagining this hugely traumatic event and it’s something exhilarating, something to be envied. When of course, it’s anything but.

It feels like there’s a chasm between his excitement and what you actually need - for respectful compassion, with any conversation about it led by you, at your pace. You need a place of safety, and his voyeurism feels a million miles from that.

He read it several times and found it exciting and fascinating.

And I believe he meant exactly what he said.

You have hit the nail on the head with the voyeurism part. That's exactly how it appears. And you are also absolutely correct about OP needing a place of safety and this not being it. 🤍

Whether it was a clumsy use of words or not (I personally find what he said creepy and inappropriate and I think you are right to be concerned), the point is you found it disturbing and you now have serious doubts about this man.

That is enough to stop seeing him.

You don't want to be around someone that no longer trust.

Having seen your post outlining what happened; to me he's totally off.

Exciting is never a word that should be used in that context. Even if he meant the apprehension and prosecution of the criminal etc. ..... Still off.

He lacks empathy, not even a special amount, just ordinary empathy and sympathy.

He sounds a bit nuts tbh.

I agree that I wonder if he even sees women as human.... If it were men this "man" had committed those crimes against i.e. potentially him; would he see the situation as exciting?

Sorry I've had to copy your words to explain what I'm referring to ❤

He said “all the stuff you said about X in the book. I’ve read it so many times and I know I’ve never talked to you about it but it’s such a huge, fascinating thing. So often I’ll look at you and you’ll be completely normal and lovely and I am just amazed that you’ve gone through this incredible thing.”

A more normal sort of reaction would have been "my god I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry this happened to you, no wonder you get freaked out by any mention of it on tv. Please always know I'm here for you, we'll find a way through this together. I have so much admiration for you for being able to carry on living your life".

Instead he sounds like he gets some warped pleasure from it and sees you as a famous filmstar.

Only you know him xx

OP, I am so sorry about what you went through. It sounds horrific and it's no wonder you can't exactly feel objective about it.

There are a lot of Job's comforters on this thread trying to justify his bizarrely positive reaction to what happened to you, but I tend to agree with those who interpret it as clumsy at best and sinister at worst.

@HotPotInASpot

I think I get where you're coming from. He spoke of something deeply, deeply and permanently traumatic as if it were something to be 'wished for' in order to have some excitement in one's life. Like "Well it's alright for you, you had X happen. I've never had anything exciting like that happen to me!!". Almost as if he was, what, envious? Surely not.

And I certainly wouldn't put it down to being 'clumsy with words'. He was speaking 'his truth' as he saw the situation and I'd find his feelings to be unacceptable. But more to the point, your feelings are what matter here. You don't have to 'get past' this if you don't want to. You don't have to 'talk to him' or 'let him explain' or 'try to see where he was coming from'. If you feel that, for lack of better words, he 'disrespected' your life experience and your trauma, then end the relationship. FWIW I probably would. I don't think I'd ever be able to completely forgive such hurtful words, no matter why they were spoken.

He sounds empathetically bankrupt. You trusted him with something very deep and personal, and he trivialized and sensationalized it rather than wondering if you are okay and asking if you’d rather never speak of it/ how he could support you if you wake up in distress.

I am so sorry. That’s betrayal and I’d call it a huge red flag and dump him. A shred of empathy is all it takes to respond to this in a far different way than he did.

Wishing you healing, OP, and wishing you far better support than this.

Oh Op, I'm so sorry! Trauma isn't 'exciting'. Notoriety isn't 'exciting'. What a Grade A Twat to think they are.

I suffered a traumatic event that left me feeling known and feeling 'notorious'. I had to cut off a few people who thought being my 'friend' would give them an in on all the inside knowledge etc. They became the fucking town crier until I worked out what was going on. I was so devastated and cut them off immediately.

I think that would be the end of the relationship for me, to be honest. I have been through some trauma, not as bad as yours, but if someone was excitedly rereading the details of my trauma and using words like amazing, fascinating and incredible to describe the event, i couldn't look at them the same way again. He's not saying you're amazing and incredible for living with that trauma, he's actually interested in the event itself. Disgusting.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and that you felt it necessary to disclose it here, all because people couldn't keep a lid on their gross curiosity.

If this is a representation of what happened then I would have his arse out the door before his final words left his mouth.

I was on the fence until this comment (and admit I quoted this without reading further so I may have missed important info that came after) but if this was it, there's no excuse for what he said and I wouldn't feel like I could trust him at all.

OP I think you’ve had some good advice on this thread. This is the bit that stands out for me from what he’s said, which was before he spoke about reading the book:

”he felt he’d led a fairly unexciting life up until recently. I said that unexciting isn’t necessarily a bad thing and he said that it was easy for me to say. That I’ve lived the most exciting life out of anyone he knows and he finds it absolutely fascinating.”

He wants more excitement and feels like you’ve had lots of “excitement”. He said “it was easy for you to say” like it’s alright for you, you’ve had this tremendously exciting life experience. This is just so so wrong. How on earth can he reframe your trauma as something exciting? A terrible thing which happened to you has been turned by him into you living an exciting life, as if you chose that.

That’s such an appalling way of reacting to what you went through, and which you continue to go through. I am not sure how you move on from this with him as he’s expressed his reactions and feelings pretty clearly.

Difficult to say without knowing what X is

you could make a fairly good guess from what the op has said including the timeline (and may still be wrong of course).

I think this chap articulated badly. It would depend for me how frequently his inadvertent insensitivity arose

In your message you said:
"About a year in after I woke up at his screaming"

Can you explain what you mean by that screaming? Was he screaming at you?

She means staying at his house and woke up screaming from a nightmare of the event.

Thanks @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy. Yes, that’s what I meant

I couldn’t get past this either. It’s so beyond inappropriate. As someone else posted they would hardly be able to read the book once if it happened to someone they loved. He’s read it more than once.

Whatever about saying “reading what happened to you made me think a bit more about life in general and how we never know what will happen so we should make the most of everything and do the things we want to - I’d love to walk the Camino in Spain for instance” but to imply what happened to you was exciting shows a level of stupidity I couldn’t deal with.

Perhaps he read the book more than once because he needed to "process it"? To try and fully understand what happened?