I don’t know how to move past this comment

[HotPotInASpot]

Background info - 15 years ago X happened to me. It was a hugely traumatic event, I had years of counselling, I still regularly wake up screaming, I have both physical scars from X self harm scars as a result of being unable to cope all over me, I cannot speak about it without having a full panic attack, if I see anything related on the news I have to do a full deescalation routine to stop myself panicking. About a decade ago a book was written about X and the author said he would either use my words from police interviews and the court case or I could write a statement that he’d include. I did the latter and various parts of this are included in his book. This is the only time I have used my own words to describe it other than to the police and court. I absolutely cannot physically discuss it.

I’ve been casually seeing a man for a couple of years. About a year in after I woke up at his screaming I sent him a message to say X happened to me, if you want details read this book, I can’t speak about it but I want you to understand. Recently he moved closer as his eldest had left for uni so we decided to give the relationship a proper go rather than just seeing each other a couple of times a month due to distance/ childcare. I introduced him to my dc for the first time a couple of months ago and I really thought we had a proper future together, never had an argument or disagreement since we’ve met.

Then at the weekend we were chatting about stuff and he mentioned a few things he wanted to do in the next couple of years as he felt he’d led a fairly unexciting life up until recently. I said that unexciting isn’t necessarily a bad thing and he said that it was easy for me to say. That I’ve lived the most exciting life out of anyone he knows and he finds it absolutely fascinating. I didn’t really know what he meant and asked him to clarify as, apart from a bit of travelling that ended in a few disastrous comedy moments as a young adult my life had been pretty straightforward. He said “all the stuff you said about X in the book. I’ve read it so many times and I know I’ve never talked to you about it but it’s such a huge, fascinating thing. So often I’ll look at you and you’ll be completely normal and lovely and I am just amazed that you’ve gone through this incredible thing.”

It just broke me. I left and came home and told him that I found the comment really upsetting. He’s apologised profusely for upsetting me but keeps saying it was just badly worded rather than that he didn’t mean it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting because I know I don’t necessarily react rationally when it comes to X. I hate the thought that he’s ever looking at me thinking X happened to me. Please can someone give advice.

@Naunet I’m sorry that happened to you and can understand why you’d think that. I really don’t think that is the case here. He’s hugely anti porn and the way he said it wasn’t as though he’d found it titillating or anything like that, more that he almost admired me for having had this happen. Like he was proud that he was with someone this had happened to.

Maybe people who haven't experienced something so high profile that it was a huge court case and made into a book might think that it makes your life quite interesting because it's not something many will experience. It's obviously going to make dating you quite different to dating other people. In that respect it could well have been poorly worded. I'm not sure if you may be reading too much into his comment because your perception of it will clearly be different to anyone who didn't experience it. I could understand people having a wow, this is unbelievable, I remember this on the news, kind of feeling about it. The truth is you have lived a far more eventful life than most if you've been the subject of a controversial book and a huge high profile court case. I'm not sure the knowledge of something this huge is a genie that can just be put back in the bottle and never be considered something other people are going to find mind-blowing that a person could experience.

@Gazelda i was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow but I told him that I’ll see him at the weekend instead. He knows why but seems to think that it’s me just needing time to regulate myself rather than because he thinks he’s done anything wrong.

Having given some more thought, it could be that he almost thinks of it like a movie, he can’t believe it really happened because it’s just so foreign for him to imagine that you went through that, he can’t align it with the you he knows. It still means he lacks a lot of empathy and possibly not be the guy for you, but may not be a twisted porn creep as was my knee jerk reaction - but that’s what my own trauma response does I guess.

@ShakespearesBlister I can understand that. What o can’t understand is thinking of things to do to make your life more exciting, like going for a long walk in Spain, and directly comparing that to what happened to me.

I've read the full thread and when I go back to your original post and presumably his quoted words, it comes across more as he feels in awe of how much you have overcome. That he's processing what he know about the facts versus the you person and struggles to reconcile the two.

I think the context like you said like a walk in Spain versus X is really stupid, but I think he was probably trying to find a way in to talk to you about what happened and did it badly.

It might be difficult for him to not be able to support you hence why he was trying to bring it up, but how you get support and where from is completely your choice and in understanding that he needs to respect your boundaries and love you anyway.

If you care for him, then therapy in relation to how you manage the debilitating nature of the trauma versus your ability to move forward in a relationship might be useful.

Whatever you been through you deserve contentment now and in the future, with or without him x

Yeah, I think that might just be my own experience talking! But the point is more that I would have reacted just the same, my fear about what it said about him would be different, but I would be horrified too. It’s a perfectly understandable reaction.

You know him. What he said was incredibly insensitive, and I do think he lacks empathy, but maybe it is just so unreal to him he can’t believe it, as in he can’t align what he read with the person he sees in front of him. I think not backing down at all now is pretty shit, no two ways about that.

Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking your over reacting or whatever if he tries, you’re not, not at all.

First, I'm so very sorry that you have had to experience what you have. You did not deserve that to happen to you.

This is a tough one. I can see where he could be amazed and awed at you - that you survived what happened, and here you are. That he is lucky to be with you, because you survived and here you are. That is amazing. I can also see how he'd feel proud of you, because you did survive and here you are.

The reading the book several times bit - it does seem odd on the face of it, but perhaps it is not really. Perhaps if you think of it in a different way: imagine that you are with someone who has an unusual hobby/interest/culture/religious background. You know nothing about whatever it is, and want to understand them better. So you begin to read up on the subject, to get some insight into who they are today, what shaped them, as they can't discuss it with you. Does this sound like it might be the case for him?

IF you feel uncomfortable with how he sees this - in your heart of hearts, if you don't trust him because it feels too much of - whatever it feels like to you, then you probably need to end it. That will hurt, and yes, it is another thing that you can attribute to the horrible thing that happened to you, but you need to know you can feel safe, and not uncomfortable with someone you should be able to fully relax with. Contentment. That's what you need now.

I’m afraid that as much as i have every sympathy for whatever X was, people mis speak and i’m not exactly sure what you are reacting to in his words. Is that he found you life exciting, or the event facinating.

Irrspective, if he is a decent guy, who has upto now respected your wishes not to discuss X, when it finally was brought up, it’s no surprise to me you got upset. I suspect no matter what was said, you’d get upset.

I say forgive, but based on your reaction, NEVER discuss it again. I suspect thats the only way this and any other relationship might survive given your response to this incident.

Im not a huge fan of bottling, or not communicating, so i don’t say this lightly.

Really do wish you well.

Personally i think the author should be shot.

I would have to walk away. The description of these events as exciting coupled with him re reading the book reportedly would be major red flags to me. I couldn't imagine wanting to relive an extremely traumatic even that happened to my wife again and again. I couldn't have got through the book once. Plus he seems to have a weird fascination with the events. Throw this one back in. He is not your person.

I don’t know…trauma of such magnitude can also propel a person to isolate and I would just be aware of that.

That he wants to speak with you about it, is not so unusual.

That it comes out wrong is also not so unusual too, really. I think taking some time is wise but, possibly, you would go through a similar situation with someone else as imperfectly navigating through this is going to happen with anyone you build a intimate long term relationship with.

I so agree with this.

I am so sorry OP for what you have endured.

I think what he said was insensitive, however, reading and re reading such a horrific violent even that happened to someone you purportedly care for is very very creepy and for me would be both a red flag and deal breaker.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

I really am so sorry.💐

Have you read the book?
Is it possible that there is a lead up to x?
Did you have an exciting life before the awful event? Did you travel?
Could he be referring to other parts of your past?

If it was about x, then his choice of wording is a bit worrying. I think you need to speak to him about it again.

otherwise, It could be he’s completely in awe of you, for surviving this and being so strong, and feels like you have been through so much, yet he has been through nothing notable and his words came out spectacularly wrong?

For me it would depend on his overall ways, is he otherwise thoughtful, a bit clumsy with words, caring

@Dee00 yes, I’ve read the book. In the conversation we were having he was definitely speaking about X. I thought originally he may have been meaning something else I’d done and was curious as I hadn’t thought of done anything particularly exciting or interesting.

@Slobbet he’s very caring and we have what I’d consider to be a very open, honest relationship. There’s just a few hours of my life that I’m not willing to discuss with him now or in the foreseeable.

WRT being clumsy with words - very much not. Trying not to be too outing but words are pretty much the basis for his career.

If X had been something like the London bombings then I might give him some grace as it was a horrific event that you were caught up in. So he might think that you were involved in something huge that wasn't targeted at you, and so not understand the full trauma.

However if, as it's sounds, it's something dreadful that happened specifically to you then it's weird and horrible and freakish to think that would be anything than traumatic to a person you care about. I couldn't get past that.

What he said sounds Very off OP. I cannot think if any justification for it. Sorry.

If you usually have an open and honest relationship can you talk to him about how his comments have made you feel? It would be useful for him to know how it came across and for him to understand how you have interpreted it.

Not only would it give him the chance to explain what he was actually meaning to say but if you're going to move forward with him, it's important he understands how it's made you feel

Not suggesting for a moment you talk about X. Just that you are upset and sickened that he feels it is exciting and comparable to an adventure in Spain. Gauge his reaction from that. It should also help his understand your perspective.

So sorry you've been through this

Did the book present X in a way that is exciting and interesting for the reader?

Since you are unable to discuss it with your partner in person maybe doesn’t really grasp your lived experience and deep trauma, and his understanding of the events comes from the book, not from you.

I’d have to agree with that. I have been through something vaguely similar OP (without the media circus thankfully), and I’d vomit if somebody described it as “exciting”.

@DNBU the book was largely focused on the background of the criminal. It doesn’t glamourise what he did but there are always people who love reading about stuff like that. I asked him to read it because it is a pretty accurate account, it takes all the victims seriously and it’s got me in my own words in way that I couldn’t do on my own.

I think given what the event is and the way he has re-read the book and talked about it, there’s no way you could continue a trusting relationship with him. There is something fundamentally lacking in the way he is able to relate to you. He may even have difficulty seeing women as fully human.

I’m sorry but I’m appalled at what he said to you.

There’s just no way that this can be excused at all!

Assuming he was aware of the enormous impact it had and continues to have on your life and he still said what he did I’m not sure I’d be able to move on from that!!

I mean his can he think it was interesting/exciting being deeply violated and then traumatised for years afterwards?!

Sorry but you need to be very careful here and re examine if this man is who you really thought he was.

No man even with half a brain would say that to a woman who had just shared what you did.

I wonder how he would like it if he was violated and you turned around and said oh you’ve had such an exciting/interesting life……..

I'm sorry that you felt you had to disclose the general nature of the incident on here. I'm kinda even more sorry to say that now that I know that, and that his job means he is normally good with words, I am changing my mind. I don't think I'd want to know him after that comment.