I don’t know how to move past this comment

[HotPotInASpot]

Background info - 15 years ago X happened to me. It was a hugely traumatic event, I had years of counselling, I still regularly wake up screaming, I have both physical scars from X self harm scars as a result of being unable to cope all over me, I cannot speak about it without having a full panic attack, if I see anything related on the news I have to do a full deescalation routine to stop myself panicking. About a decade ago a book was written about X and the author said he would either use my words from police interviews and the court case or I could write a statement that he’d include. I did the latter and various parts of this are included in his book. This is the only time I have used my own words to describe it other than to the police and court. I absolutely cannot physically discuss it.

I’ve been casually seeing a man for a couple of years. About a year in after I woke up at his screaming I sent him a message to say X happened to me, if you want details read this book, I can’t speak about it but I want you to understand. Recently he moved closer as his eldest had left for uni so we decided to give the relationship a proper go rather than just seeing each other a couple of times a month due to distance/ childcare. I introduced him to my dc for the first time a couple of months ago and I really thought we had a proper future together, never had an argument or disagreement since we’ve met.

Then at the weekend we were chatting about stuff and he mentioned a few things he wanted to do in the next couple of years as he felt he’d led a fairly unexciting life up until recently. I said that unexciting isn’t necessarily a bad thing and he said that it was easy for me to say. That I’ve lived the most exciting life out of anyone he knows and he finds it absolutely fascinating. I didn’t really know what he meant and asked him to clarify as, apart from a bit of travelling that ended in a few disastrous comedy moments as a young adult my life had been pretty straightforward. He said “all the stuff you said about X in the book. I’ve read it so many times and I know I’ve never talked to you about it but it’s such a huge, fascinating thing. So often I’ll look at you and you’ll be completely normal and lovely and I am just amazed that you’ve gone through this incredible thing.”

It just broke me. I left and came home and told him that I found the comment really upsetting. He’s apologised profusely for upsetting me but keeps saying it was just badly worded rather than that he didn’t mean it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting because I know I don’t necessarily react rationally when it comes to X. I hate the thought that he’s ever looking at me thinking X happened to me. Please can someone give advice.

Forgive me for asking what is probably a stupid question but have you read the book in full yourself? I ask as the author may have misrepresented the incident and your involvement and made it sound less traumatising than it really was, and more like a gripping and unusual story.

I'm not trying to draw you into revealing what happened, but have the impression that it wasn't a one off incident, but more of a prolonged sequence of events.

Therefore I wonder whether emphasis has been given to the build up and initial events, before the 'storyline' changed to cover the more obviously traumatic parts. As though it was some sort of adventure that went awry, with highs and lows, rather than the trauma that it was.

Perhaps he is clumsy and has read it this way, rather than understanding that it is, simply a very traumatic experience to you which you do not view in any part as positive or exciting. He could simply be prurient or unempathetic.

You don't mention a lot about how he's been as a partner both casually and now you have ramped things up, and whether he's a caring and understanding man generally.

This, plus how the incident is presented in the book, would be the crux of how I might be inclined to approach this.

If he has been kind and emotionally intelligent hitherto, how would you feel about spelling out to him that this was indeed a trauma, not some kind of escapade, however he has read it? His reaction here might be a lot more telling than what he has taken from a book written by a third party (albeit with some of your input) without any 'footnotes' by you, about your feelings.

Yes, exactly. I’m also not expecting the OP to be any more specific about her traumatic experience, but I’m trying to think of anything the OP clearly experienced as shattering trauma but which someone who clearly cares for her might conceivably see as ‘exciting’, and coming up with a blank…

I think it depends whether the event could reasonably be interpreted as exciting rather than purely traumatic. I don’t want to make guesses that might be triggering, so let’s say you were in space and the events turned into something like Apollo 13. He’s focused on the excitement of the rocket trip and you’re focused on the trauma. Maybe he just doesn’t get it and you need to tell him you experienced it only as trauma. If it’s something that could only be interpreted as traumatic then that is very very weird and I’d be quite concerned about him reading the book several times.

Sadly this seems to show he is not your one and does not get your trauma. I gently step away from this person to protect yourself. He lacks the emotional intelligence to be a significant part of your life.

I can't make my mind up about this. On the one hand, I'm horrified that he appears to be envious of what you went through and seems to have glamourised it. If that were to be the case, I couldn't imagine myself continuing a relationship with him.

On the other, I'm more inclined to think what he said was a clumsily worded way of saying that he admires you for your strength and resilience to have been through X and still be able to live a perfectly normal (to him) life 15 years later. He does sound like somebody who hasn't had much contact people who have had major trauma, nor does he seem to have any sense of being trauma-literate in the way that he spoke to you about it. Some people just haven't got that knowledge, and that in and of itself is okay and normal.

It may well feel strange to him to have learnt of such a big thing for you and then be told that he was not able to discuss it any further with you. I'm sure he will have questions, things that he wonders about and has tried to understand (hence reading the book repeatedly). He may have made incorrect assumptions. Again, this is normal human behaviour. I also want to be clear that I 100% support your boundaries in not wishing to talk about it. That is your absolute right and well done you for expressing your boundaries clearly. I also think that it's quite promising that he has (until now at least) respected your wishes not to talk about it - that says to me that he respects boundaries.

In any other situation I'd recommend staying open and continuing to communicate and talk about the issue before deciding one way or the other. I also get that you may feel that this is not in your best interests, that it could be opening a can of worms and trigger you into a relapse of PTSD. Is there any way that you can hold whatever boundaries you need in order to feel safe enough, and still continue to communicate with him about his comment (rather than the incident)? Would having the conversation in a written form rather than verbally, help? Would getting back in touch with your counsellor (or a new one who is also a trauma specialist) for general support for you while you figure it out with him, help you?

I am a little trauma-informed, and I think it's pretty common for a partner who isn't the person who went through the trauma (and particularly one you met after the event) to accidentally press buttons that they didn't know were buttons in their partner. This is what I think may have happened here, and is the reason why i'm suggesting you get some support from a therapist before deciding whether or not to continue the relationship.

Whatever you do, I am rooting for you. You've done amazingly so far.

Just an idea but is it possible that due to your understandable sensitivities around the subject of X you have misinterpreted him actually paying you a (maybe slightly clumsy) compliment about being strong enough to survive X and come out the other side seemingly living a fulfilled life?

It's really hard to say without knowing more about your relationship but if he's been 100% great I would be inclined to put it down to clumsiness.

My DH has suffered one of the most traumatic things a person can suffer and when people find out they can react clumsily because they find the situation so affecting. He's had many awkward conversations as a result.

But ultimately, you can end a relationship for any reason, you don't have to justify it to anyone.

Surely there’s much to talk about because it still affects you? Anyone in a loving relationship with you would want to know how you feel about it now, how it affects you day to day, what support and understanding you need from your partner?

I’m really surprised he hasn’t initiated any discussion about that since reading it, since it’s clearly something that still affects you a lot.

I imagine he won't have initiated any further conversation because she made it clear that it was not welcome.

I dunno, reading the book several times seems odd to me. I can't articulate why, it just doesn't sit right. He does seem to think of it as exciting too. Which is odd. My mum has lived both an exciting (glamorous parties, celebrities etc) and separately traumatic life, I've never confused the two.

There is absolutely no way the event could be considered exciting rather than traumatic unless your idea of excitement involves being drugged, raped and beaten to within an inch of your life.

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink I made it very clear when I originally messaged him about it that I can’t talk about the event itself. I have spoken to him about how it affects me in as much as he knows why I leave the room if something similar comes on the news/ tv plot, he knows why I sometimes wake up in a panic, can’t wear headphones, always need to know where an exit route is, for example. But I don’t think much can be gained for either of us from discussing the event.

Because it feels like he's doing it more for entertainment than understanding?

Once would be more than enough for most people.

I would end the relationship. He doesn't get it and never will because I don't think it's possible to fully understand that kind of horror. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that and I wish you peace. Can you access some more therapy? Not for the twit but for your own peace? Him reading it several times is sick. Most people would have been horrified and not want to reread. It's made me feel queasy so I can't imagine how dreadful you feel about it

trust yourself - he is being weird

I could understand the clumsiness of words if he hadn’t linked it to him wanting to do something exciting with his life. One of the things he was saying he wanted to do was walk some long distance path in Spain on his own then immediately saying I’ve led such an interesting life because of X.

I'm not him so I don't want to put words in his mouth, but if we define exciting as "high adrenaline" and interesting as "full of stimulus" (i.e. as neutral as we can make those terms, neither good nor bad) then he could be applying them to mean that he has led a dull life and would like to do some more exciting (high adrenaline in a good way) and interesting (full of mental and physical stimulus in a good way) things, and also that he understands why you might not ever want more adrenaline or stimulus, because you've had way more than your fair share and it's been of the entirely horrific variety for you.

I still think he's chosen his words badly, but if everything else has been good with him I think it's worth entertaining the possibility that this was what he meant.

Are you doing okay here and now @HotPotInASpot? I mean, relating to this thread? I'm aware that you may have just disclosed something about the incident and just want to check that you're still feeing fairly well regulated and that staying on the thread is still the right thing for you to do. xxx

@ThereIbledit yes, I’m ok thank you 💐. I thought I’d made it clear that it was a traumatic event but still somehow people manage to try and think it could be exciting.

For you💐

Just to say I don’t think he’s respected your boundaries. You’ve told him I don’t want to talk about X - here read this. He’s then come back to talk about X and call it exciting… who does that. You didn’t say, feel free to ask questions.

He should’ve left it. Only you know if he’s a good person and this is just out of character. “Exciting” is not the word for a traumatic event.

I’m sorry OP - for all of it. It would make me second guess the future of the relationship as well.
I hope you are okay.

I think you might have felt pressured into sharing more than you were comfortable with OP. Please ask for your comment to be deleted if so. You don't owe an explanation to anyone xx

I think he meant that it's amazing that you are the person you are given what you went through. It was a compliment.

As an aside, EMDR therapy is the best for trauma @HotPotInASpot . If you haven't had it then I highly recommend.

OP, Im so, so sorry, it’s hard to know what to say. I’ve been sexually abused, so I may be bias, but to me, any man that would describe the rape etc of a woman as exciting, is a porn sick creep who thinks women secretly enjoy that sort of thing. Obviously I could be way off, but I’d feel physically sick if a man I was seeing described my abuse as exciting. I don’t think I could come back from it, I couldn’t trust him. The fact he read it a few times sits really badly with me too.

Having said that, I’m imagining a hypothetical man, not someone I know and maybe love. You know him best, what do you think he meant? Trust your instinct. X

I agree, you can ask MN to delete that comment OP. There's absolutely no reason anyone needs to know any detail of your ordeal. You say it was horrifically traumatic and that's all that needs to be said.

When are you next due to see or speak with him? Might it be helpful to send a quick text to say that you'd like a few days to reflect on what he said as it caused you a lot of turmoil and discomfort?

@Gazelda i don’t mind the comment staying. It’s not too outing and if it’s deleted I’ll only have people thinking I was eaten by a shark or something again.