Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

This. Make everybody’s, especially your, lives easier and walk away. I’m amazed you’re still there.

Why do family members feel you can dictate how you celebrate your wedding
We are catholic but decided on a non denominational wedding
Suddenly some of my Irish relatives declined to come
My dad said he wouldn’t come as not in a church too
My mum said she wouldn’t come as we were getting married in May, which is apparently unlucky ffs . And we arranged it deliberately to hurt her!!!

We ignored them all.
Invites there if you want it and we d love it if you came.

Less than one week before the wedding suddenly a phone call from my mum saying she’d ordered a cake. Why….do you think we wouldn’t have already done that. It was her way of saying, without apologising, that she was coming.

We declined the cake and everyone turned up.

On the subject of kids
We had this with male best friend. But I was breastfeeding twins and expressing wasn’t an option, there wasn’t an offer of people to help, care for them either. So we and his best man’s wife ( in a similar situation, 4 kids one two month old ) didn’t attend the service but went after the food ( which was only for immediate family anyway, so everyone had to wonder around for a couple of hours till the evening started ) for the evening and the kids mainly slept out of the way.

I think as you offered childcare you’ve done more than enough to accommodate everyone I wouldn’t have changed my plans

The problem with family is they think they have too much say in your special day.

I hope things calm down and family back off.

This Did you really want this or were you pending to your fiancee?

Really advise you NOT to go ahead and marry this woman. She is very controlling and has no right to demand that you don't speak to your family. She sounds like a spoilt brat. Look closely at her behaviours when not related to your family. I bet she shows signs of control over lots of aspects of your life.

She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

And you accept this bullying? Who does she think she is to not 'allow' you and your mother to talk about anything. She sounds a nightmare, I'd run a mile!

I should have read to the end of your post OP
Your partner is being completely unreasonable now. This is going to take a lot of work to rescue on all sides. Your mum does need to back off a bit and let you both get on with it but your partner is being very controlling.

why couldnt you go ahead anyway wit just her family-youre geting married alone i dont se why anyone who wanted to try and make it couldnt come

she cant tell you to stop taking text or calls from your family-thats controlling

my dh doesnspeak to my df-theres no way he tells me not to take his calls or see him though

Where have you read that she cancelled the wedding because she wasn't getting her way??? She's eloping to keep the peace.

But that's stupid. Because one woman wouldn't go, you changed your whole plan?

You really think it's the start of a successful marriage to have a wedding day clouded by the groom's mother's upset at not being able to attend and forever holding that against her son? And that I would want him to be in that position?? Of course, it was upsetting to me as I couldn't have my own parents there, upsetting to him that he couldn't have his father there but it was a compromise. Toxic parents like his mother can make life impossible so you pick your battles.

If my DP's mother now starts wanting daily updates and involvement in the after party as well, I would be rightly be livid. My compromise was not having a wedding that excluded her. I would expect her compromise to be backing away from the party plans. Fortunately for me, she has backed off, and my DP is good at maintaining those boundaries.

OP's mother has not done that - can't actually see what compromise she has made.

I'd honestly consider cancelling the wedding, at least for the time being. It doesn't seem like a very healthy way to enter into a marriage with everyone fighting and you being stuck in the middle.

A child free wedding aboard when two of your siblings had young children was a recipe for disaster on your and your fiancés part, you have to accept some people wouldn't be happy with that, surely? However as the parent of a young child, if my brother had come to me and said he was having a child free wedding abroad, I would be excited for him but have to decline, I wouldn't have created merry hell about it. it seems a bit like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Your fiancés behavior is leaving a little to be desired though, it sounds like the plan to get married alone abroad is one made out of spite and stubbornness, there is other options. I would hold off getting married until everything is sorted one way or the other.

You need a thorough rethink of what's important in your life.

what on earth are you talking about? MN famously hates MILs! People complain about that all the time. I've never in my life heard it described as skewed towards them.

What you've identified are two specific scenarios in which, going on the info presented, the OP is generally agreed be more unreasonable than the MIL.

If you plan a childfree wedding abroad, you should expect guests who have kids not to come. Your fiancé's reaction is mad and you shouldn't marry her.

Please think very carefully about marrying this girl. The issues around your wedding have provided the opportunity for her to show you who she really is, so believe her. Think about every single family occasion that’s going to come up in the future - Christmas, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals etc, etc. It’s a lot isn’t it ? Also, what happens when you have children of your own ? Unless you can resolve this and mend fences with your family, you will come to dread these occasions. If she’s so unforgiving she’ll make your life miserable. If it were me, I would call the whole thing off and be grateful I’d had such a narrow escape.

There must be loads of back story to this if you've been going out since you were 15 and you're now 30.

From what you have written your OH sounds totally batshit and controlling.

Who has a fixed view on their wedding at 15 and then still has the same view at 30? Hasn't she grown up or evolved at all?

Destination weddings are marmite and get increasingly difficult for guests with DC.

The fact you wanted destination & child free when there are multiple siblings with young DC is naive.
I had a child free wedding, people did have an amazing time but that's because it was in the UK, their local parents looked after the DC and they could have a proper night off e.g. a night and a morning.

The way she is treating you talking or texting parents is extremely controlling and wrong.

All of this.

This is where we differ. I don't pander to toxic family members. I don't give them that kind of power over my life. You'll actually find that when you state your boundaries, then back them up with actions, those people will back off. And the ones who don't, don't deserve to be in your life anyway.

As for the OP, there isn't a compromise between "children" and "no children". If that's what they want, then what anyone else chooses to do is down to them (the other people). There was no need to cancel the wedding. Now everyone is missing it.

It's the exact same scenario as this (big party, difficult for children or parents of children to attend, expectation that the family will attend anyway, upset caused by family member not able to attend).

For that thread, everyone has agreed the DIL is unreasonable for expecting her MIL to adapt her party to suit her (MIL's) grand children or son's wife.

On this thread, majority have agreed that the DIL is unreasonable for NOT adapting her party to suit her MIL and MIL's grand children.

Have you even read the OP? She's selfish and vindictive because, following their reaction to the child free wedding, she's controlling the OP's access to his own family.

What else were you expecting? A child free wedding abroad when your siblings all have toddlers?
That's a no. I wouldn't have gone.

The expanse of flights plus hotel for them and their kids, only to then have to get someone to look after their kids? Nah.

Either your wedding is a family occasion in your eyes, in which case it needs to be suitable for your particular families or it isnt a family occasion and then you do what you like without putting pressure on them.

You've treated them terribly.

A child free wedding is your choice. But when you make that choice you must be aware that people th young children wont go. They haven't done anything wrong. The way you've spoken to them, telling them theyve ruined everything... nah. You owe them an apology. You both sound stupid, spoiled and selfish.

majority have agreed that the DIL is unreasonable for NOT adapting her party to suit her MIL and MIL's grand children.

No, they’ve agreed she’s unreasonable because she’s controlling and trying to alienate him from his family.

When you don't have children, you think it really is as easy as "just leave them with a babysitter" but it's not.

If it's a local night out or weekend away and he's staying home, his aunt looks after him at her house. If it's a family wedding we are staying over at then would use a babysitter vetted by the hotel - but we would be right downstairs so could be there within minutes if necessary. If we go abroad, I've no interest in getting a babysitter. I don't know them, I can't vet them, and besides, I actually like my kid and hanging out with him - I don't care for "letting my hair down" any more and the assumption that someone thinks they have a better idea than me on how I enjoy myself would irk me.

Even if I could /wanted to go to a destination wedding and bring my kid & a sitter along - I've literally nobody who could, and my family on both sides is pretty damn big. Anyone capable either all work so can't take time off, or if they don't work it's because they have full time carer roles for someone in their family who they can't just leave. Adult nephews /nieces are in University, my mother isn't fit to babysit any more and FIL/MIL are dead. IF we did manage to persuade my niece, then we would need an additional room, because sharing with me, DH and a toddler wouldn't be suitable.

No one here thinks OP's family should have a say in their wedding. People are saying they (OP and fiancé) are unreasonable to be annoyed about people not being happy.

i wonder if the fiancé has young family members

With posts like this I always think you can want whatever you want (child free wedding in this case) but you can't be annoyed when other people just don't want the same thing. Obviously they are going to be more invested in their children and less invested in your "perfect day" than you are.