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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé hates my family

407 replies

Dad394 · 24/01/2023 09:26

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

OP posts:
DietCock · 24/01/2023 13:14

I see you're going to get this removed, @Dad394, but before you do: anyone who bangs on about their dreams being shattered (re. a wedding not going the way they want it to) is not someone you should be marrying. Neither is someone who doesn't want you to be in contact with your family.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 24/01/2023 13:14

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 24/01/2023 12:36

It 'works' for most people. What do these clingy parents do when they have to go to a hen's night or some other adult only function? Do some of these clingy parents never leave their children 24/7? They'd do what they'd do any other time they have to go some place where children can't go.

This is not about clingy parents.

Firstly hen dos will most have only 1 parent going not both. Second there is a big difference between getting a otter I normally use to stay with the kids at home while I go to an adult only function to traveling to another country and having a stranger look after my kids in an unfamiliar place.

finally it’s selfish to insist on a child free wedding when one of the spouses has a family with kids. The grooms siblings all have kids but somehow because her family don’t have kids they take are more important? I loved having my nieces being flower girls and my new ones reading a passage etc and we had a room nearby where they could play and be entertained when the partying started and I still have pictures of some of my nieces dancing and everyone laughing and having fun.

I can’t imagine excluding them to have a so-called perfect wedding.

eyope · 24/01/2023 13:16

OP, just to show you how skewed MN can be towards MIL's in general, see this recent post. A woman was upset that her MIL had organised a 65th birthday meal that was timed so kids couldn't attend, including her own grandchildren.

94% voted the poster (the woman/daughter in law) was being unreasonable and her mother in law could organise whatever party she wanted, and kids didn't need to attend....

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4726350-to-be-annoyed-ds-is-technically-not-invited-to-mils-birthday-meal

waterfallswillfindyou · 24/01/2023 13:18

I don't think you should get married just yet.

I think your fiancée has a point. Both of you had a dream wedding in mind (it wasn't just her), then your mum threw a strop, the rest of your family piled on, and you decided to change your plans because of that. It doesn't sound like the change was a mutual decision and it doesn't even sound as if this is what you want.

If both the bride and groom are unhappy with the wedding plans, there's something very, very wrong.

I understand your siblings saying they couldn't make it because they couldn't get childcare. You and your fiancée should have accepted that too. You don't say if you did. But there was no reason for your mum to throw her toys out of the pram (I'm assuming all of her kids are grown up from your posts) and she derailed everything.

You cannot start a marriage with your wife believing - because it's true - that you'll always take your mum's side first.

I'm not saying don't get married ever; I'm saying you have some things to work through first.

I would advise making some time to spend with your fiancée, owning that this wedding situation has got out of hand, and asking what you can both do now to rectify things, because she is your number one priority and you can't stand the idea of her being so unhappy about what is going to be a new chapter in your lives together. Ask her if there are any changes you can make to the wedding that are within budget, and agree that all decisions will be made jointly by the two of you and not anyone's family. Because you are each other's family now.

You were just kids when you got together, and I think for that reason, your mum hasn't quite realised you're not still her kid son holding hands with the girl down the road - you're a grown man, you're entitled to have your own wants and opinions, and you're hitching yourself to your chosen life partner, so she is going to have to back off a bit.

She might have been entitled to be overprotective in the very beginning, but we've moved on by maybe 15 years (depending on what exact details you fudged for anonymity - don't worry, we get changing a couple of bits for privacy). She has other children who have their own children, and she must have learnt how to dial things down a notch with them by now - it's your turn.

Your wife doesn't have to adore your family, but as you are seemingly close to them, she needs to get to a place where she can be civil with them before the wedding. I think it's fine to have that as a goal, as long as you acknowledge that a lot of these problems are down to you and your family - she's entitled to feel upset towards them, they didn't act well. But if everyone is committed to moving on, you need her to move on too. This has to come with the caveat that if they ever treat her badly again, you've learnt that you need to stand up for her first.

And make sure your family knows your priority is your wife (you're not the baby of the family anymore) and you won't tolerate shit towards her going forwards.

It's all a big mess, but this could be the making of your relationship if you can work through it properly.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 24/01/2023 13:18

DietCock · 24/01/2023 13:14

I see you're going to get this removed, @Dad394, but before you do: anyone who bangs on about their dreams being shattered (re. a wedding not going the way they want it to) is not someone you should be marrying. Neither is someone who doesn't want you to be in contact with your family.

Oh come on, that's a bit over the top. Any woman would be upset at their dreams being shattered. Every woman. That's completely normal.

Cormick · 24/01/2023 13:20

It's yours and your wife's wedding. If you didn't want kids there you shouldn't have kids there. And offering to pay for a sitter was a more than reasonable offer. The day is about both of you. No one else. You shouldn't have backed down and changed things really. I don't know where you go from here though. Your wife to be needs to let go of that anger so that you can both plan. If she can't do that then it might be the end for you both. Out of everything, the two of you need to be able to stick together and support each other. And it doesn't seem like that is happening.
What do you want to do?

Sunriseinwonderland · 24/01/2023 13:21

Don't marry anyone who hates your family it's a recipe for disaster.
Destination weddings are awful anyway, everyone hates the expense, the hassle and everything else. I refuse to go to them.
I've had to really work with my DiL who doesn't like any of us and its been a real uphill struggle with endless compromise.

BadNomad · 24/01/2023 13:21

eyope · 24/01/2023 13:16

OP, just to show you how skewed MN can be towards MIL's in general, see this recent post. A woman was upset that her MIL had organised a 65th birthday meal that was timed so kids couldn't attend, including her own grandchildren.

94% voted the poster (the woman/daughter in law) was being unreasonable and her mother in law could organise whatever party she wanted, and kids didn't need to attend....

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4726350-to-be-annoyed-ds-is-technically-not-invited-to-mils-birthday-meal

I don't know what you think that proves?

People here are saying the same thing. If children aren't welcome, then they can't go. MIL of that thread and the OP of this thread can't then complain when the children's parents don't go. Except in this thread, the OP and his fiancé are complaining about it.

ittakes2 · 24/01/2023 13:22

I am one of five children and it’s not been unusual for us to have overseas weddings - and whenever there has been a request for an overseas child free wedding there has always been tension that has permanently damaged relationships. Of course it’s the couples prerogative but usually the couple doesn’t have their own children yet so don’t understand the hassle, expensive of travel and the stress of finding an acceptable overseas babysitter who you have never met look after the most precious thing in your life - your child/ren. My worst experience was booking to take my children out of school and go from uk to a remote Canadian location only to then be told the wedding was child free and I would need to find a local baby sitter using the internet. Same for my sister whose youngest child was 6 months at the time.
But you are here now. You are unfort in this disaster zone so you need to find a path through the inferno. Ultimately you are going to need to decide if your wife to be is being too controlling and is basically asking you to choose between her and your family (not a good sign as you need to be a team on things - tension should make you stronger as a couple and your relationship is unfort falling apart and you are not even married!) or tell your family to back off you are marrying your partner and they are getting too involved. Personally think you have both a partner and a family problem and need to tell them all to back right up.

starfishmummy · 24/01/2023 13:23

When you say We want a child free wedding, is this both if you or just her? Because if you have siblings with children surely you must have realised how hurt they and your parents would be that a large part of your close family is excluded?

Is anyone on her side being excluded because if children?

This was never going to go well. If you continue there is a good chance that half of your family, if not all of it, will be so hurt that your relationships will be damaged for ever.

MojoDaysxx · 24/01/2023 13:23

Stating the bleeding obvious here. But a wedding is an opportunity to invite loved ones to celebrate with you.
What the point, if people end up insulted and excluded. Is it really worth it for one day.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/01/2023 13:23

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 24/01/2023 13:18

Oh come on, that's a bit over the top. Any woman would be upset at their dreams being shattered. Every woman. That's completely normal.

Er - no they wouldn't, & no it isn't.

Sensible, rational, non-princessy women are far more interested in their marriage than their wedding. And in keeping cordial family relations over having an Instagrammable Destination.

Thoughtful2355 · 24/01/2023 13:23

Sorry but you have a partner problem. I do hate the idea of child free weddings as it singles out people especially abroad BUT your partner is being controlling and horrible about they're future family in laws

Sleepless1096 · 24/01/2023 13:25

When you planned this wedding, were you actually expecting your siblings to go to all the trouble and expense of flying their kids to another country to attend a wedding from which their children were excluded 😂? You two don't half think much of yourselves if you think they should shell out the cost of a family holiday for an event that half their family aren't even welcome at. We'd have offered to send the sibling in question for a couple of nights, but that's the most we would have done... the other parent would have stayed home with the kids.

If you didn't actually want them to come at all or weren't bothered, maybe you should have made that plain to them at the start?

Your family was wrong to make a fuss but I don't know what you were expecting and they've apologised and said they'll try to make things work.

Thoughtful2355 · 24/01/2023 13:26

Personally I think this was just the first event your partner has put in place to exclude you from your family and make sure your alone and rely on them for your loneliness. You just watch. Soon you'll find you can never make a friend, never say hi to family. You will be all alone.

Then potentially your relationship will break down in 5/10/15//20 years and you'll be full of anxiety because you relied on them so much and get left with no one.

GraceAnatomy · 24/01/2023 13:28

Flip this scenario around.

If Bride to be had a lot of nieces and nephews and her side of the family had declined the invite, I bet there'd be a change to the invite list to include them and it would no longer be child free quite quickly.

If YOU dictated that you wanted to know every word spoken, and text or message read, YOU would be classified as an abuser. Your bride to be is an abuser, she is slowly separating you away from your family, causing rifts despite having apologies.

Whilst you have every right to feel upset, angry and any other emotion, your family also has every right to feel upset too. It's them who are not able to join in to celebrate what should be the happiest day of your life, meanwhile the in-laws are all ready to celebrate. All harmonious on her side as this does not effect them in any way.

My advice? RUN. run for the hills. And when you get there, run a bit further and keep on running.

This is just the start. Your whole future will be you walking on eggshells for the rest of your life to please this woman you're about to marry at the sacrifice of your family.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/01/2023 13:30

To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day

Can you even see how manipulative, disproportionate & scary that is?

Are you prepared to never receive comms from your family again, in order to appease your fiancee's need to control you & isolate you from them?

There is no reason at all for YOU getting a text meaning SHE has to ruin your day.
She is choosing to ruin it.
She is deliberately making you uncomfortable, so that you eventually cave in for an easy life & obey her demand to cut contact with them.

if you think that will improve after a wedding, you are a fool.
This is just the start of her campaign to "win" you from your family.
She is addicted to the drama she creates, is expert at manipulating you with it, & will not rest until you are totally under her control.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/01/2023 13:32

Thoughtful2355 · 24/01/2023 13:26

Personally I think this was just the first event your partner has put in place to exclude you from your family and make sure your alone and rely on them for your loneliness. You just watch. Soon you'll find you can never make a friend, never say hi to family. You will be all alone.

Then potentially your relationship will break down in 5/10/15//20 years and you'll be full of anxiety because you relied on them so much and get left with no one.

Another PP who has seen The Script play out.

Who knows how controllers isolate & gaslight their victims.

eyope · 24/01/2023 13:32

BadNomad · 24/01/2023 13:21

I don't know what you think that proves?

People here are saying the same thing. If children aren't welcome, then they can't go. MIL of that thread and the OP of this thread can't then complain when the children's parents don't go. Except in this thread, the OP and his fiancé are complaining about it.

Where exactly have you read that the fiancee was 'complaining ' about people not attending??? OP hasn't said that...

Is not not more likely the wedding had to be re-arranged because the mum and family were unhappy the wedding would go ahead without them?? And if they couldn't go, then the fiancees family couldn't either?

That is exactly what happened with me. I was happy for his mum to not attend as she was so against him getting married in general. However, she guilt tripped us so much at including his dad, and my parents - it made more sense for us to elope. She would never have let my DP forget it if it had gone ahead without her.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/01/2023 13:33

My advice? RUN. run for the hills. And when you get there, run a bit further and keep on running.

This is just the start. Your whole future will be you walking on eggshells for the rest of your life to please this woman you're about to marry at the sacrifice of your family.

@GraceAnatomy sums it up well.

BellePeppa · 24/01/2023 13:37

Well this sounds like it’s going to be a successful marriage. I can’t understand grown ass adults clinging on to years old dream wedding guff. It’s the marriage that’s important not the wedding, and this marriage looks like one big angsty disaster in the making.

Aintnosupermum · 24/01/2023 13:38

My mother isn’t the easiest person to get along with, but neither is my mother in law. My ex husband was unable to have a civil relationship with my mother. Note, he is the ex husband. It is not normal to not rub along with your in laws. You don’t have to like them, you need to be civil with them.

It’s a massive red flag and I would not be getting married.

unclebuck · 24/01/2023 13:38

These kind of narcissist bizarre weddings are so damaging and obsessive.

Hayliebells · 24/01/2023 13:39

Thoughtful2355 · 24/01/2023 13:26

Personally I think this was just the first event your partner has put in place to exclude you from your family and make sure your alone and rely on them for your loneliness. You just watch. Soon you'll find you can never make a friend, never say hi to family. You will be all alone.

Then potentially your relationship will break down in 5/10/15//20 years and you'll be full of anxiety because you relied on them so much and get left with no one.

Yep this, I've seen it happen, at least twice. Whose idea was a child free wedding abroad? Was it your fiance's, did she really push for it? I just can't imagine how when presented with that scenario, you weren't then like "hang on, that means my siblings probably won't come", so you then abandon the idea before it gets any further. Paying for someone to be a baby sitter is a bit of a cop out, you can predict that won't suit lots of people, so they just wouldn't come. There's no way I'd take my kids on a holiday abroad, the purpose of which is my siblings wedding, to see them excluded from the wedding. If it only involved one night, so they could stay with grandparents etc whilst we went, then that's fine, but a whole holiday? Nope. Sounds like she engineered that to me, or she really really didn't want your family there, even before this drama. I'd be very wary of her.

BadNomad · 24/01/2023 13:39

eyope · 24/01/2023 13:32

Where exactly have you read that the fiancee was 'complaining ' about people not attending??? OP hasn't said that...

Is not not more likely the wedding had to be re-arranged because the mum and family were unhappy the wedding would go ahead without them?? And if they couldn't go, then the fiancees family couldn't either?

That is exactly what happened with me. I was happy for his mum to not attend as she was so against him getting married in general. However, she guilt tripped us so much at including his dad, and my parents - it made more sense for us to elope. She would never have let my DP forget it if it had gone ahead without her.

She cancelled the whole wedding because she wasn't getting her way.

That is exactly what happened with me. I was happy for his mum to not attend as she was so against him getting married in general. However, she guilt tripped us so much at including his dad, and my parents - it made more sense for us to elope. She would never have let my DP forget it if it had gone ahead without her.

But that's stupid. Because one woman wouldn't go, you changed your whole plan? It was her choice. And this isn't the same thing. The OP still could have had their "dream wedding".