Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

It started with your fiancé banning your nieces and nephews from the wedding, not cool.

Your family however, shouldn’t have kicked off and ‘ruined’ it, they should either have come or not come and explained their reasons.

Your fiancés reaction though is a very worrying sign. It’s controlling, manipulative and extreme. Anyone that ever tries to stop you talking to family is a walking red flag and I would suggest you put the wedding on hold indefinitely until she works on that!

I think, it’s your wedding. You wanted child free, so they should have respected that from the beginning. I’m not surprised your fiancé is angry. You said they’ve apologised, did they apologise to your fiancé Also? And now understand they need to back off? If so, I think your fiancé needs to let it go now, and hopefully all will be well. She doesn’t have to like your family, she isn’t marrying them she’s marrying you, but it’s not nice for you to feel like piggy in the middle either.

have the wedding you and your fiancé want. Don’t think about others, think about you. And tell her she’s your priority, but please just be civil at least with the family for your sake. But your family do need to back off, as it’s not their wedding, or their marriage!

Erm, how exactly has she alienated him from his family?

From the OP:

if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding relate

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship

My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved

Notice WHY she's getting angry? Maybe because his mother is not listening to her son's request to stop being involved in the wedding after the fiancee already agreed to change plans and re-arrange it to suit them! Who is thinking of and respecting her wishes and desires, given she's the one getting married?

Also OP has said his fiancee doesn't want to meet his family before the wedding. Where has he said she's stopped him from meeting his family? She isn't allowed to want space from his family before the wedding, to stay away from all the drama and involvement..?

This.

I think they've both been incredibly naive.

If you have a child-free wedding, you accept that people with children may not be able to attend. If those people are very close family members, e.g. siblings, it is almost guaranteed to cause conflict because you're essentially saying that your desire to have a child-free wedding is more important than having those very close family members attend your wedding. And they will be a notable absence on the day.

That, IMO, is the main reason exemptions are made for very close family members at child-free weddings.

You missed the crucial word “trying” @eyope. If you can’t see the attempt at alienation in her behaviour we clearly live in different universes.

My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved
I can understand your fiancé's point of view. I'm disliking your family already and I haven't met them.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.
Then again, you're both wanting to bend your families to fit a dream. Time for a reality check.

Notice WHY she's getting angry? Maybe because his mother is not listening to her son's request to stop being involved in the wedding after the fiancee already agreed to change plans and re-arrange it to suit them! Who is thinking of and respecting her wishes and desires, given she's the one getting married?

Exactly! She is justified in this situation I feel.

Ignoring everything else like the rights/wrongs of child free weddings or your familiy's reaction...

These parts of your op are worrying.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said.

She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me

This is controlling and abusive behaviour. And you should really take on board what people are saying, and in thsi case choose your family and run as far away as you can from this marriage.

I have had some disagreements with MIL in the past. This has NEVER translated into me trying to control DH's communication with his own family. No matter the issue I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that. It's not normal.

If you have dc with this person it will only get worse as they will then have better barganing chips to use against you and your family. And they will.

Run.

To your family.

Don't look back.

So its not about wedding, its about the marriage...
But it is about the wedding-
-as it needs to suit his families expectations
-the B&G have to make sure that they throw a good party and be good hosts and put all their guests happiness before there's?

Who decided on a child free wedding? Your partner? Or was it you? Either way you excluded part of your family. No judgment on that, but why did you think they wouldn't feel upset and left out? & Who did you think was going to look after the children, whilst their parents came to your wedding?

It doesn't sound as if you (and/or your partner) even wanted your family there in the first place. If you didn't want them involved that's your choice, but then why discuss it with family in the 1st place? It may have been wiser for just the 2 of you to go to your dream destination and make your vows to each other. As thats what matters.

In your shoes I wouldn't be marrying someone who is a ball of anger. Whilst I understand the upset, displaying anger to you about your family + being controlling about when you speak with them/wanting to know details of conversations would put me straight into fuck off mode. When does it stop? Once married are you going to be met with anger and memory every time you speak to your family? Will you have to cut yourself off from them to keep the peace?

You could also have been much more insistent about not discussing wedding with your family at all. Change the subject when they start on.

Although they are now trying to be involved it doesn't seem your partner will forgive them. You need to woman up and take a stand, how you do that is up to you but your whole post sounds as if you're just letting things happen to you as if you don't have a voice.

You'll feel shit on your wedding day too. What's the point?

As an aside I can't stand DP's mother. & his sister. Awful women. & They don't like me. I'm fine with that. There is no way on earth I'd tell DP not to speak with them, or get angry and controlling when he does. I couldn't care less.

You know, whether your Fiance is right or wrong, and whether your Family is right or wrong - What has happened when people can't just sit down and sort things out? Even if there's shouting, accusations etc 1st, just get to the direct point of the understanding, wrangle it out and try to sort it for the sake of future harmony in life. It seems to be so all or nothing and unforgiving. Encouraged by people who want you to pick sides. I feel sorry for people who live to such absolutes.

This.

Unfortunately I think your marriage is likely doomed.

Your mother has behaved very poorly and your fiancée is also over reacting.

I think you should put the brakes on.

You need to sort out this unhealthy dynamic you have going on with your mother, it is going to be a continuing issue.

Such a pity so many weddings now come with such upset and unnecessary drama.

Agree with this.

Fiancee is over the top but equally your mum needs to respect that she's been asked not to discuss the wedding that she refused to attend and participated in a lot of drama over. She needs to stop bringing it up.

There are two types of wedding that vastly inconvenience guests. The child free wedding, and the destination wedding. To combine both things when you have multiple siblings with indeed threes and expecting them to attend, is stunningly naive at best.

The pre school period of parenting is when money is tightest, for a start. Either one parent isn't earning, or both are, but the majority of one person's earnings is paying nursery fees. To expect them to pay for a foreign holiday (and one not of their choosing) is a huge imposition. And of course many parents would not choose a foreign holiday at that point, especially in any of the kids are babies, as it's a huge hassle. But then to also say that the children can't attend?

Even if your family hadn't kicked off, you were still stunningly self centred and lacking in understanding of what you were expecting of them.

I suspect that if you go ahead with this marriage, and have children, your fiancee will see not take it lying down if she has to adapt to other people's wants and dreams when she has a baby/toddler.

Indeed? Under. Thanks autocorrect.

My goodness, your fiancé sounds awful. She needs to realise the whole world does not revolve around her wedding. When couples choose to marry abroad (often because it’s far cheaper for them) it can be an utter nightmare for guests. Your family have to pay thousands to go somewhere they’ve not chosen, take time off work at a time they don’t want to, not be allowed to take their children to their wedding. They will have to pay full whack for a child of three to go on holiday (again to somewhere they might not ever want to travel to). It’s a pain for them, especially when your wife to be sounds so wound up and frankly rude to then. Marrying abroad and then a party when you come back sounds fine, she can’t honestly expect everyone to fork out so much money to attend a wedding? I didn’t want my guests to spend a penny when they attended my wedding. A new frock if they so fancied and twenty quid in John Lewis vouchers is all it cost them.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I don't really see why the fiancé is getting so much flack here. You both planned a wedding spectacularly thoughtlessly. If your family didn't want to or were unable to celebrate your wedding at significant personal and financial cost to themselves, and with half of the family excluded due to having children, then there was no way you were going to be able to make them.

Your mother could have behaved better in communicating that message, and it sounds like she upset your fiancé.

You need to take more responsibility for the fact that you didn't clarify what expectations you had of the behaviour of everybody involved, or even thinking what was going to be necessary for this wedding to go ahead.

Not to worry, millions like your OH

She didn't ban them, they jointly decided on a child free wedding. No wedding was ever improved by the addition of under 3's.

I can't see how she's manipulative, she sounds upset.

She sound like hard work.

She didn't ban them, they jointly decided on a child free wedding. No wedding was ever improved by the addition of under 3's.
Then don't arrange a wedding in a foreign country and expect all of your future inlaws pay to attend it.

I suspect that if you go ahead with this marriage, and have children, your fiancee will see not take it lying down if she has to adapt to other people's wants and dreams when she has a baby/toddler.

Other than the OP, why would the fiancee have to adapt to anyone else's wants and dreams for her child. More importantly why would anyone have hopes and dreams of her child, or her wedding or her marriage. Don't they have their own lives to have hopes and dreams for....

The two of you planned a wedding that was completely impractical for your close family to attend. You in essence told your family that you did not value their presence at your wedding. that is certainly your prerogative, but that choice has consequences. Your family was hurt by your decision to plan a wedding they could not attend.

If you want to build a successful marriage, taking responsibility for you decisions would be a good start. You can have a child-free wedding abroad, but expecting family with young children to attend that wedding is beyond ridiculous. You were always going to be getting married alone.

@Dad394

I think YOU need to take some time out and talk to a completely neutral third party, in fact pay to see an experienced therapist for a couple of sessions.

You describe your mum as still wanting to treat you like a “mummies boy” and you clearly aren’t good at putting in boundaries, so she isn’t treating you like the adult you are.

OTH have you chosen another women who likes things her own way and who you don’t know how to negotiate with either.

Its extremely unusual to be with the same person from 15-31 = 16 years, more than half your life. Why have you never had any other relationships? How do you feel about that?

It could be that YOU need to put the breaks on and get away from both your family and fiancée for a while and figure out what YOU want and have you actually made a free choice in any of this? If you think you are going to be stuck in the middle forever, it may be that you need to call the whole thing off for a while and take a break to get some serious therapy and figure out what the hell you want from your life, and is it this level of drama? Although if this intensity with women on both sides giving you ultimatums is what you are used to, maybe you can’t imagine it any differently.

If you were female for absolutely sure EVERYONE on this thread would be questioning why your family and future spouse were fighting and why you had chosen this life. And why (if female) you were marrying a man you had known since 15, without taking some time to make sure you had had the opportunity to learn to be independent and mature without leaning heavily on another person. Do you think you may be codependent with your fiancée ? And is your mother very smothering in the way she relates to you? Because you could be jumping from the fireplace into the fire 🔥 (Read up on enmeshment)

Maybe you should cancel the wedding and just take a vacation alone somewhere instead.