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Relationships

On the receiving end of an abusive rant - any insight please?

124 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 08:24

I finished a very long term relationship of over 20 years (basically my adult life thus far) about 16 months ago after he was mean and horrible on holiday. He apologised at the time and I've occasionally kept in touch and met him for a drink on maybe a handful of occasions since then. As an individual, he is a good conversationalist and I always enjoyed chatting with him about a variety of things. But he always had to be opinionated, and be right about everything. There were lots of little put downs and I finished up having to pay for everything. He took VR from his job several years ago and received a decent payout, but then took a lower paid job as he "didn't want to go back into the rat race" and said that over the years he had bankrolled me. He hadn't. Yes he bought me things, as did I.

This is not to be asked "why did you keep in touch, why didn't you block him (I have now blocked him) but to try and get to the bottom of why he acted this way. I'd prefer MN input rather than being told to read Lundy Bancroft for now, though I do have the book and haven't yet read it.

I met him for a few (non-alcoholic) drinks on Sunday afternoon and gave him a lift home. I'd told him I wanted to be home for a certain time. In the car park he started a conversation saying he hoped we could get back together, but he couldn't understand why I didn't show him any "affection". What I said was that I needed to go home, and bringing this up out of the blue on a freezing cold night in a car park had upset my evening, and I would discuss it some other time but not now. He then said some unkind things.

We spoke on the phone last night and he brought up the issue of him being abusive on holiday in 09/2021. He says that the reason he does this is because I didn't show him any affection and it all reaches a breaking point. I simply let him go on and on with no intention of a discussion (he kept saying "I'm speaking now not you"). I did ask him if he thought that "lack of affection" justified abusive behaviour and he said yes, he thought it did. He said I had been like a brick, like a stone, cold as ice (this is untrue. I was pleasant and sociable when out with him as I would have been with anyone else).

He brought up things like "if you went to the bar or the loo, you didn't pat me on the arm/tweak my ear/slap my arse) - that last one is a killer, it's not something I would ever do and never have and I wouldn't tolerate it from a partner. (He later said he was being "flippant" when he said that, but I have ADHD and I need clarity, not allusions and analogies as I take things at face value.

I have always been the one to pick him up and go out, but he says I have been taking him for a mug. Cold and like a stone to him means not being tactile. I do hug friends, but not stupid taps and tweaks as he is mentioning. I have never done this, ever, so why bring it up?

He also dragged up an incident 18 months ago when we were still together and he and his friend called round one morning to cut a tree down in my backyard. He'd said he was going to do this but they just appeared and I didn't even hear them - they didn't ring the doorbell or anything. My old cat, almost 20, was on her last legs and I had her put to sleep a day or two later. I had been up all night with her and this was why I slept in that morning, and at the time he knew that. But had conveniently forgotten.

He once drove me to an appointment and had to hang around for me, and he said I didn't show any appreciation. At the time I said thank you, more than once. "Oh yes. Thank you. Big deal" was his response. What did he expect, a 21-gun salute?

He went on about not holding hands, not touching him on the shoulder, patting his knee, how he always opened the car door for me and I just take it for granted etc. TBH I don't really notice chivalrous gestures, maybe because I'm not living in the 50s? I don't know. But if someone holds a door open for me I always say thank you. I don't ever recall him parking a car, getting out and coming round to open my door like a chauffeur so I don't know what he means.

I didn't really respond to him much last night, just let him rave on, and he took that to mean that I was chastened and cowed and had no answer for him because I allegedly knew he was right. In fact, I allowed him to go on as I wanted to hear what he had to say before I blocked him.

He's twisted this to make me out to be the abusive one. He says I changed over the years and he is right, but this is a gradual thing. More moaning and negging from him, and not listening when I told him to stop it equals pulling away, ever so gradually and him responding in abusive ways.

It's all put to bed now, I won't be meeting him again even socially, and I have blocked him and won't reply to any contact. But I am seeking some understanding because I haven't any.

Thanks for reading this far.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 08:27

He said I didn't even come out of the house when he and his mate cut down the tree. I didn't know they were there. I was heartbroken over my cat and exhausted, but he took that as me taking him for a mug.

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Shoxfordian · 24/01/2023 08:47

He’s a knob and you’re giving it too much headspace. He acts like he does because he’s not a nice person by the sounds of it - don’t overthink it, you’ve blocked him so you’re done.

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lovelilies · 24/01/2023 08:51

Sounds a lot like my ex. Unfortunately we have DC together so I don't have the luxury of blocking him

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Soontobe60 · 24/01/2023 08:54

Why are you spending any of your time and energy on someone whom you dislike so much? Move on!

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unclebuck · 24/01/2023 08:54

Why did you keep listening to this long winded personal abuse?

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WeAreTheHeroes · 24/01/2023 08:57

Take comfort from the fact you were right to finish things with him. You are a good person - you gave him an opportunity to redeem himself and obviously reflected on things. But he didn't. You were right. Block him and move on.

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Ihatethenewlook · 24/01/2023 08:58

Jesus Christ op. Why are you even meeting up for drinks with a piece of shit ex and then massively obsessing over every little thing he’s said? Just stop talking to him. Problem solved 👍

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AutisticLegoLover · 24/01/2023 08:58

Because that's who he is. There's not point trying to analyse things. That way lies madness. This is who he is. I'm glad you've blocked him and I hope you keep him blocked.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 09:00

unclebuck · 24/01/2023 08:54

Why did you keep listening to this long winded personal abuse?

I wanted to hear what he had to say. Doesn't mean I took it on board or accepted it.

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Notformethankyoukindly · 24/01/2023 09:00

Does it really matter why he acted this way??

He just wanted to have the last word, that’s all. And it was complete nonsense 😂

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FloydPepper · 24/01/2023 09:00

Putting to one side the “why were you still in contact”

he thought you didn’t show any affection, appreciate him, say thanks. You were together for 20 years but broke up after he was mean on holiday. He thinks you can be cold and distant.

I do think this is a thread where there are 2 sides.

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Natwalton1 · 24/01/2023 09:01

20 years with someone is a really long time, especially if you are in your younger years. I don't think you will ever gain any understanding as after 20 years and 16 months apart, neither of you can agree on the details. You have done the right thing and blocked him so now move on by occupying your time with friends, work or hobbies and keep busy. There's no point in keep going over it as I don't think you will ever get the answers you are after.: 🙂

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MyBadName · 24/01/2023 09:05

You will never make sense of it and you are letting him camp inside your head. Put it to one side and move on. It really doesn't matter what he says or thinks.

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Topseyt123 · 24/01/2023 09:08

Good that you've now blocked him.

I couldn't even have been bothered to listen to his one-sided monologue and would have cut the call off so that he could drone on to himself.

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Watchkeys · 24/01/2023 09:08

But I am seeking some understanding because I haven't any

What specifically is it that you're trying to understand? And why do you need to understand it, @ImJustMadAboutSaffron? I think you'll get clearer answers if you specify your question a bit better. Your post just looks like a list of bad times, really. Nobody can explain anything to you, but we can all say 'Stay away from anyone who makes you feel bad'. If you need more than that, what is it you need?

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 09:09

FloydPepper · 24/01/2023 09:00

Putting to one side the “why were you still in contact”

he thought you didn’t show any affection, appreciate him, say thanks. You were together for 20 years but broke up after he was mean on holiday. He thinks you can be cold and distant.

I do think this is a thread where there are 2 sides.

Over the years he criticised me a lot. My driving, issues related to my ADHD "you need a carer", put downs "I thought you were an intelligent woman" for example because I bought a Katy Perry album and my phone ringtone was a cat. Not wearing heels every time I went out with him. I challenged him about this and he insisted he was right.

Over the years that caused me to withdraw emotionally. I was always pleasant with him.

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VioletLemon · 24/01/2023 09:09

This man is a gaslighting, abusive prick. He's taking advantage of how well he knows you and is using your uncertainty re your interpretation of events (your ADHD) and rwisting it to undermine your confidence so he can weasel back in to a relationship. Id say that's the reality, you don't need him. Bring your whole relationship to a close and maintain the boundary. In time you'll feel more relaxed and may find the confidence to replace the company and conversation with someone or something else. You'll be happier and more confident when the line is firmly drawn.

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OwwwMuuuum · 24/01/2023 09:13

I do t know OP, he sounds very frustrated and starved of affection. It must be horrible to live with someone who never reaches out to you with any affectionate gestures.
Im not seeing what’s abusive - an angry rant, while unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, isn’t inherently abusive.
You sound cold and closed off to me, and instead of listening to your partner you’re unable to accept you may have any faults and you’re just labelling it moaning/ negging/ abuse and blocking him so you don’t have to consider anything he’s saying to you.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 09:15

OwwwMuuuum · 24/01/2023 09:13

I do t know OP, he sounds very frustrated and starved of affection. It must be horrible to live with someone who never reaches out to you with any affectionate gestures.
Im not seeing what’s abusive - an angry rant, while unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, isn’t inherently abusive.
You sound cold and closed off to me, and instead of listening to your partner you’re unable to accept you may have any faults and you’re just labelling it moaning/ negging/ abuse and blocking him so you don’t have to consider anything he’s saying to you.

He's not my partner. We never lived together. You have zero grasp of this situation.

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OwwwMuuuum · 24/01/2023 09:20

In the OP “long term relationship of over 20 years” - you’re so awkward you insist this doesn’t mean “partner”? And so I presume that for you, “partner” means living together? It doesn’t. How odd, and to be so snappy with someone on the internet! You asked for people’s opinion!

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FloydPepper · 24/01/2023 09:20

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 09:15

He's not my partner. We never lived together. You have zero grasp of this situation.

If you want to try and understand you need to listen to the people that say things you might not agree with, as well as those offering unconditional support.

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Nothinglikethebest · 24/01/2023 09:22

He’s lost the ability to criticise, belittle and emotionally abuse you on a daily basis so he had to dredge up every bit of nonsense he could think of from the course of your long term relationship to throw at you. Like sticky mud he hoped some of it would stick and you’d be still doubting yourself long after the break up, he really is an abusive prick. Block him on everything and Don’t Look Back. Maybe if you think it would help you write down everything you would like to say to him, put your side so to say then burn the piece of paper. If you have a good friend talk to them and let them reassure you that you are a nice person, you just had an idiot for an ex.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 09:26

FloydPepper · 24/01/2023 09:20

If you want to try and understand you need to listen to the people that say things you might not agree with, as well as those offering unconditional support.

I have listened. I've disagreed. I'm not cold. Ask any of my friends. But nobody can as they're not on Mumsnet.

You'll just have to take my word that I ended it because of years of negging and abuse. What else would you call mocking someone's ADHD, badgering for sex every morning and evening more than once, which is why I kept sleepovers to a minimum, swearing, drinking too much, taking advantage financially and not contributing to holidays other than cooking with ingredients I'd paid for. It didn't happen every time I saw him but abuse doesn't, does it?

Granted it was a slow progression of this behaviour, but it happened and I didn't want to give myself emotionally and sexually to someone who didn't seem to respect me as a person.

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BitOutOfPractice · 24/01/2023 09:27

Why do you continue to let him into your life just to give you another lecture? Why do you "want to hear what he had to say"? Why does it matter? He's not going to give you any insight, just more abuse and grief.

There's plenty of great conversationalists in the world. Cut him off. Stop going back for more of the same.

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OwwwMuuuum · 24/01/2023 09:32

Sounds like you’ve got it all sorted then OP! If you have all the answers and nobody on Mumsnet can possibly understand you then why have you made this post? Trying to be a bit more open to others perspectives might be good for you.

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