On the receiving end of an abusive rant - any insight please?

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I finished a very long term relationship of over 20 years (basically my adult life thus far) about 16 months ago after he was mean and horrible on holiday. He apologised at the time and I've occasionally kept in touch and met him for a drink on maybe a handful of occasions since then. As an individual, he is a good conversationalist and I always enjoyed chatting with him about a variety of things. But he always had to be opinionated, and be right about everything. There were lots of little put downs and I finished up having to pay for everything. He took VR from his job several years ago and received a decent payout, but then took a lower paid job as he "didn't want to go back into the rat race" and said that over the years he had bankrolled me. He hadn't. Yes he bought me things, as did I.

This is not to be asked "why did you keep in touch, why didn't you block him (I have now blocked him) but to try and get to the bottom of why he acted this way. I'd prefer MN input rather than being told to read Lundy Bancroft for now, though I do have the book and haven't yet read it.

I met him for a few (non-alcoholic) drinks on Sunday afternoon and gave him a lift home. I'd told him I wanted to be home for a certain time. In the car park he started a conversation saying he hoped we could get back together, but he couldn't understand why I didn't show him any "affection". What I said was that I needed to go home, and bringing this up out of the blue on a freezing cold night in a car park had upset my evening, and I would discuss it some other time but not now. He then said some unkind things.

We spoke on the phone last night and he brought up the issue of him being abusive on holiday in 09/2021. He says that the reason he does this is because I didn't show him any affection and it all reaches a breaking point. I simply let him go on and on with no intention of a discussion (he kept saying "I'm speaking now not you"). I did ask him if he thought that "lack of affection" justified abusive behaviour and he said yes, he thought it did. He said I had been like a brick, like a stone, cold as ice (this is untrue. I was pleasant and sociable when out with him as I would have been with anyone else).

He brought up things like "if you went to the bar or the loo, you didn't pat me on the arm/tweak my ear/slap my arse) - that last one is a killer, it's not something I would ever do and never have and I wouldn't tolerate it from a partner. (He later said he was being "flippant" when he said that, but I have ADHD and I need clarity, not allusions and analogies as I take things at face value.

I have always been the one to pick him up and go out, but he says I have been taking him for a mug. Cold and like a stone to him means not being tactile. I do hug friends, but not stupid taps and tweaks as he is mentioning. I have never done this, ever, so why bring it up?

He also dragged up an incident 18 months ago when we were still together and he and his friend called round one morning to cut a tree down in my backyard. He'd said he was going to do this but they just appeared and I didn't even hear them - they didn't ring the doorbell or anything. My old cat, almost 20, was on her last legs and I had her put to sleep a day or two later. I had been up all night with her and this was why I slept in that morning, and at the time he knew that. But had conveniently forgotten.

He once drove me to an appointment and had to hang around for me, and he said I didn't show any appreciation. At the time I said thank you, more than once. "Oh yes. Thank you. Big deal" was his response. What did he expect, a 21-gun salute?

He went on about not holding hands, not touching him on the shoulder, patting his knee, how he always opened the car door for me and I just take it for granted etc. TBH I don't really notice chivalrous gestures, maybe because I'm not living in the 50s? I don't know. But if someone holds a door open for me I always say thank you. I don't ever recall him parking a car, getting out and coming round to open my door like a chauffeur so I don't know what he means.

I didn't really respond to him much last night, just let him rave on, and he took that to mean that I was chastened and cowed and had no answer for him because I allegedly knew he was right. In fact, I allowed him to go on as I wanted to hear what he had to say before I blocked him.

He's twisted this to make me out to be the abusive one. He says I changed over the years and he is right, but this is a gradual thing. More moaning and negging from him, and not listening when I told him to stop it equals pulling away, ever so gradually and him responding in abusive ways.

It's all put to bed now, I won't be meeting him again even socially, and I have blocked him and won't reply to any contact. But I am seeking some understanding because I haven't any.

Thanks for reading this far.

I need to find out how to block the landline as he has called on that and left a message, telling me he loves me and hopes I've had a good day, and he hopes I ruminate on what he said and he would like to meet at the weekend! FFS.

Delete the landline message & do not respond.

Oh I won't, but I need to find out how to block the landline if it is possible. I don't use it very much.

Oh no - it’s nothing in you. Apologies if I’ve missed further updates, I couldn’t read past this.
basically what he has done is accuse you of things so that it will sink into your mind like nasty little hooks.
DARVO- he’s reversed things, and has painted you in a light that feels very unjust, doesn’t it?

it is especially hard, I think, for those of us who are neurodivergent, to let go of being unjustly and untruthfully accused of behaviors that we didn’t engage in.

I imagine he knows that - and knows that what he said, no matter how wildly off the truth it was, would sink right under your skin and itch and chafe.

I had a brother like this. (I say “had” because I cut off contact years ago.) I finally learned through the help of a therapist that I needed to armor myself against his words, or I’d be anchored to him simply by fighting for my good name.

she taught me to say “yeah, that’s right.”

so when this idiot said “you’re cold,” you could just say (in your head, now, as you’re smart enough to have blocked this fool)

“yeah, that’s true.” “Yup, I’m cold as fucking ice.” “Yep, I left you out there with the tree. Ha ha.”

and so on.

it’s a way to teach your mind to Shrug it off, to consider the source, and realise that his perceptions do not have anything to do with you. He’s perceiving from his own completely shit-covered lenses.

NOTHING you did earned this. Next time If someone is a jerk, just walk away faster, that’s all - they’re a jerk because they’re a jerk, not because they treat one person very well, and you badly - oh no- it’s just that some of us take their word at how “wonderful” they are, and stick around too long hoping to earn back the love-bombing treatment.

dust your boots off and keep walking, you deserve far better, and he’s trash.

He wants you back under his control, doing what he says, that's why he's doing and saying these things.
You are making the mistake of thinking either it's true or that it matters what he thinks.
But you are sending mixed messages by continuing to meet up with him , that's why he thinks he's in with a chance.

I've been reading the Bancroft book and am almost halfway through. It's very illuminating and I recognize much of my ex's thoughts and actions.

Why are you allowing him to occupy your thoughts? He's history-enjoy your new life and make a conscious decision to sever all contact, forever.

THIS.

It’s gaslighting behaviour. People do it to feel superior. He’s a narcissist.

Well done for recognising your self worth girl!

Why? Because I had an upsetting altercation with him over the course of two days very recently. Normally he never occupies my thoughts. However the recent incident shook me up. It wasn't as easy as to not think about it.

I'm not interested in him as a partner or a friend or even what he thinks. But I was, after this weekend, interested in examining how I might have been at fault in any way and understanding motives for his behaviour.

I'd say your 'fault' in this is exactly your reaction to his dickish behaviour. A person with normal, healthy, relationship responses would not be going all introspective and trying to psychoanalyse his motives. They would shrug it off, realise he was a dick, and walk away pronto and never get back in touch with him again.

As for his motivation, well it's caused you all this angst, that probably was his motivation. Because he is a dick.

Much of your psychoanalysis could be reduced to 'he's a dick'.

The real question perhaps is, why isn't that enough for you? What keeps you locked in?

@ArcticSkewer I wouldn't call myself "locked in" with him really. Since I ended the relationship we have met socially and usually it's been meeting for a drink and a chat. We've also messaged. There was no investment or attachment on my part and no desire to reunite. No suggestion from him really, just simple chat.

It's the shock of the outbursts this weekend that has given me pause. I did discuss it with one friend who thought it ridiculous that I am cold or like ice or stone or whatever he said.

I suppose I wanted to understand that it's not me, and to be happy with that knowledge. Not that I was perfect. I did make a lot of mistakes and I wasn't as interested in sex as he was other than in the early years. Maybe that was the red flag for me to have walked away then. I don't know.

One interesting thing for me was highlighted with reading the Bancroft book. I already mentioned the cutting down of the tree and when my cat was dying. She was PTS a few days after that. We were still in a relationship at that time.

The day she was PTS, the vet visited us at home at lunchtime. I'd told him this was to happen. I wanted a quiet morning with some classical music playing and all the cats together. I wanted to spend my last morning with her in a positive way. We sat outside in the backyard in the sun and she was purring. The other cats came to see her and snuggled with her. I had a cat loving friend here. My ex intensely dislikes cats. He rang the house phone (which is a vintage 1970s model with a loud ring) and it made my sick cat jump in the air. She was 20 years old. I told him on the phone what was happening, and that I needed to spend my morning with Katie. He asked if he should call round because he was worried about me and I insisted he was fine. His presence would have skittered the cats and terrified Katie in her last hours.

He rocked up anyway and I was in tears outside my front door telling him to go home and I would call him later, but that him coming in would upset all the cats and he was stealing my last moments with Katie.

I have ADHD and one of the things we suffer from is ruminating on subjects a lot of neurotypical people wouldn't.

We tend to fixate on the whys and hows so we can understand it better I find. What is it about this that gets to you the most?

Also op, people with ADHD are much more susceptible to abusive relationships. Please protect yourself and read up on red flags. You may find this man was littered with them and you didn't see them from the beginning.

Best of luck to you.

@Opaljewel I agree about the ADHD element. That is just how I am. What gets to me the most is being misrepresented, described as cold, selfish, "it's all about me", I "treat him like muck" and so on. I didn't "treat" him like anything. This is the difference. He DID "treat" me badly, because it was abusive behaviour. I am maybe guilty of not being as affectionate as he wanted, but maybe here is the reason why.

After we had been together for a few years we got engaged and bought a property, but on the day we were to see the solicitor to sign for things he bottled out, saying he couldn't trust me because I had (and still have) male friends. I had no intention of anything with any of those friends. This was when things began to change for me, and I then bought my own house within a week of that. I did get back together with him, but I think I shouldn't have. I thought I still loved him at that time. But also my fanny froze up and I didn't want sex. But every time he brought up marriage, buying a house etc I wouldn't do it because of fear I would be linked emotionally, financially, morally with him and have to start again from upheaval.

So all these years I have kept it lighter than perhaps a committed relationship should be.

I was, after this weekend, interested in examining how I might have been at fault in any way and understanding motives for his behaviour

Everybody screws things up sometimes, and it's never the cause of someone else's poor behaviour. Stop hunting for fault in yourself. We all need to be around people who don't actively look for fault in us, don't we? And it's uncomfortable to be around someone who does that? Well, you have to be around yourself all the time. If you're looking for faults in you, no wonder you can't relax and let this go.

Look at your first post.
It's an essay about him.
There's paragraphs on him.
There's very little about you and your feelings.

That sums up this relationship.
85% him doing the talking.
15% you doing the talking.

Because you unconsciously picked a man who isn't going to take an interest in you. A man you can control by soothing his feelings and pandering to his needs.
You can hide in this sort of relationship and protect your emotions.

Well done for blocking him. Now look after your own needs.
There's a great book called Boundary Boss by Terri Cole.
Because until you accept your part in this dynamic, and what you get out of it, you'll pick another guy the same next time.

@Seaweed42 I don't want to give the impression that I pandered to him. I didn't. I always stuck up for myself, always challenged things I thought were wrong. I agree about boundaries, because I think at some point in the past my boundary should have been to finish the relationship.

I began to develop my own interests more - I have always had a strong circle of friends and lots of outside interests, but I did these more. He took VR from work several years ago and took a lower paid less demanding job, so he started to do things on his own, too. He started training for the coast to coast walk and going cycling etc. This didn't bother me, but it bothered him as he said I had no time for him as I was always with my friends/at book group/at the gym/working and didn't prioritise him.

You said "You can hide in this sort of relationship and protect your emotions." Not sure what you mean by that but I'm interested to explore.

It’s a perfectly normal organic reaction for your heart and fanny to freeze over in an unhealthy relationship.

It seems that your body knew what to do and how to withdraw from an unpalatable situation but somehow your head (fear, obligation, guilt) kept you stuck in FOG to stay. Probably because you were socialised this way - to tolerate too much, to value yourself less by shutting down your true gut feelings.

I think it was very perceptive of you to reflect that when you didn’t want to have sex with him that was the time the emotional relationship was over.

Be glad you are out of it. If you don’t want to get drawn in to and stuck in the cyclical polarising rumination in your head just switch on a simple neutral narrative “we weren’t compatible” to close down your thoughts.

He’s a nasty person who likes to pick on people, belittle them, criticise them. It makes him feel big because he’s a nasty person.
That’s all it is really, he’s a horrible person and best out of your life.
Have a happier future without him.

You’re not seeing what’s abusive? There’s something very wrong with you.

The explanation for his behaviour is, OP, he is a cunt. An abusive one. With an inflated sense of his own self. He’s a pathetic little insecure twat, that’s all.

What I mean by being able to hide in a relationship means that in this relationship you kept the emotional upper hand...yourself safe by choosing a man has no genuine interest in anyone else because he's thoroughly self absorbed.

A few people have told me to stop posting and just move on, however, I am finding the discussion quite illuminating so thank you for that. It's not that simple to walk away from over 20 years (my cat was 20 when she died last year, and he predated her) - even though we were not married, had no children and didn't live together, it was still a significant relationship.

It was years before I realised he was actually abusive. Things like talking over me, interrupting, being opinionated, criticising driving, picking on my ADHD. Because it was intermittent, it got diffused.

The first few years were good, though, and I believed myself to really be in love with him. When it changed - after the house incident and when I realised what @Tigresses said, when the emotional side of things were over for me - it slipped and slid into more ramped up abuse, because he wasn't getting sex, or he wasn't getting it enough, or I wasn't making an effort when we did do it. I thought then that I really loved him as a person, even if I didn't fancy him, but now I am not at all sure that I did.

And when I say "walk away" I don't mean literally. I mean the introspection that accompanies what happened.