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On the receiving end of an abusive rant - any insight please?

124 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 08:24

I finished a very long term relationship of over 20 years (basically my adult life thus far) about 16 months ago after he was mean and horrible on holiday. He apologised at the time and I've occasionally kept in touch and met him for a drink on maybe a handful of occasions since then. As an individual, he is a good conversationalist and I always enjoyed chatting with him about a variety of things. But he always had to be opinionated, and be right about everything. There were lots of little put downs and I finished up having to pay for everything. He took VR from his job several years ago and received a decent payout, but then took a lower paid job as he "didn't want to go back into the rat race" and said that over the years he had bankrolled me. He hadn't. Yes he bought me things, as did I.

This is not to be asked "why did you keep in touch, why didn't you block him (I have now blocked him) but to try and get to the bottom of why he acted this way. I'd prefer MN input rather than being told to read Lundy Bancroft for now, though I do have the book and haven't yet read it.

I met him for a few (non-alcoholic) drinks on Sunday afternoon and gave him a lift home. I'd told him I wanted to be home for a certain time. In the car park he started a conversation saying he hoped we could get back together, but he couldn't understand why I didn't show him any "affection". What I said was that I needed to go home, and bringing this up out of the blue on a freezing cold night in a car park had upset my evening, and I would discuss it some other time but not now. He then said some unkind things.

We spoke on the phone last night and he brought up the issue of him being abusive on holiday in 09/2021. He says that the reason he does this is because I didn't show him any affection and it all reaches a breaking point. I simply let him go on and on with no intention of a discussion (he kept saying "I'm speaking now not you"). I did ask him if he thought that "lack of affection" justified abusive behaviour and he said yes, he thought it did. He said I had been like a brick, like a stone, cold as ice (this is untrue. I was pleasant and sociable when out with him as I would have been with anyone else).

He brought up things like "if you went to the bar or the loo, you didn't pat me on the arm/tweak my ear/slap my arse) - that last one is a killer, it's not something I would ever do and never have and I wouldn't tolerate it from a partner. (He later said he was being "flippant" when he said that, but I have ADHD and I need clarity, not allusions and analogies as I take things at face value.

I have always been the one to pick him up and go out, but he says I have been taking him for a mug. Cold and like a stone to him means not being tactile. I do hug friends, but not stupid taps and tweaks as he is mentioning. I have never done this, ever, so why bring it up?

He also dragged up an incident 18 months ago when we were still together and he and his friend called round one morning to cut a tree down in my backyard. He'd said he was going to do this but they just appeared and I didn't even hear them - they didn't ring the doorbell or anything. My old cat, almost 20, was on her last legs and I had her put to sleep a day or two later. I had been up all night with her and this was why I slept in that morning, and at the time he knew that. But had conveniently forgotten.

He once drove me to an appointment and had to hang around for me, and he said I didn't show any appreciation. At the time I said thank you, more than once. "Oh yes. Thank you. Big deal" was his response. What did he expect, a 21-gun salute?

He went on about not holding hands, not touching him on the shoulder, patting his knee, how he always opened the car door for me and I just take it for granted etc. TBH I don't really notice chivalrous gestures, maybe because I'm not living in the 50s? I don't know. But if someone holds a door open for me I always say thank you. I don't ever recall him parking a car, getting out and coming round to open my door like a chauffeur so I don't know what he means.

I didn't really respond to him much last night, just let him rave on, and he took that to mean that I was chastened and cowed and had no answer for him because I allegedly knew he was right. In fact, I allowed him to go on as I wanted to hear what he had to say before I blocked him.

He's twisted this to make me out to be the abusive one. He says I changed over the years and he is right, but this is a gradual thing. More moaning and negging from him, and not listening when I told him to stop it equals pulling away, ever so gradually and him responding in abusive ways.

It's all put to bed now, I won't be meeting him again even socially, and I have blocked him and won't reply to any contact. But I am seeking some understanding because I haven't any.

Thanks for reading this far.

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FloydPepper · 24/01/2023 09:33

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/01/2023 09:26

I have listened. I've disagreed. I'm not cold. Ask any of my friends. But nobody can as they're not on Mumsnet.

You'll just have to take my word that I ended it because of years of negging and abuse. What else would you call mocking someone's ADHD, badgering for sex every morning and evening more than once, which is why I kept sleepovers to a minimum, swearing, drinking too much, taking advantage financially and not contributing to holidays other than cooking with ingredients I'd paid for. It didn't happen every time I saw him but abuse doesn't, does it?

Granted it was a slow progression of this behaviour, but it happened and I didn't want to give myself emotionally and sexually to someone who didn't seem to respect me as a person.

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Fine. Just say in your first post you only want responses that agree.