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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New boyfriend snapped at me

108 replies

Salkopetta · 23/01/2023 23:14

New relationship of about 4 months and all going well. I was looking at bf’s electronic device today and he asked me not to interfere with the settings; I was being careful not to and just scrolling through them out of interest. A few hours later, turns out device had an error message. I was mortified and apologies, have offered to help fix when I next see him. For context the error isn’t huge and won’t cost money to fix, just annoying. I suggested various solutions, apologised profusely etc etc.

he snapped at one of my responses (eg - “well I don’t think that’s going to work is it because it will require me being in two different places at once”) and also used the words “I did tell you not to mess with it”. He immediately apologised for being snappy and changed the subject, said he loved me etc.

iys not a massive deal and I accept I’m at fault here but feel like he’s spoken to me like a child. It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things and I have never once spoken to him like that. Not once. He has done some clumsy things at my house, spilt things etc (just once or twice and not a big deal) and I’ve always laughed it off and neevr made him feel bad for it.

how do I take this? Do I thank him for apologising, apologise myself and move on? Do I say anything? I don’t like being spoken to like a child and don’t like the tone be used at me. But he did apologise so don’t want to stew.

OP posts:
Happygone · 24/01/2023 08:35

What device was it? Maybe it wasn't your fault it had a fault on it.

Daffodilis · 24/01/2023 08:39

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 08:31

Wow! Some really mean comments here. I didn’t have the happiest childhood and am very over apologetic, when I mess up I am desperate to make things right. Equally I was shouted at for small things. I think what happened yesterday brought back some of those emotions so I felt a bit frozen hence coming onto here to post. I have owned and said to him l try to make it better (just as I would do for him) and he has graciously accepted my apology…

there are no red flags I don’t think unless posters are intent on seeing them. Yes I was really really annoying but he can be annoying too? None of us are perfect. Surely that is a relationship: both need to find someone whose annoying habits are ones you can tolerate. Bluntly speaking.

4 months and you are talking about tolerating each others bad habits, wow seriously slow down

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 08:41

I think that is true though? The good times should obviously be 95% of it especially in the honeymoon period but if I can stand it when someone leaves the cupboard door open and that’s what he does… maybe we shouldn’t be together.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 24/01/2023 08:44

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 08:41

I think that is true though? The good times should obviously be 95% of it especially in the honeymoon period but if I can stand it when someone leaves the cupboard door open and that’s what he does… maybe we shouldn’t be together.

How much time are you spending together?

Daffodilis · 24/01/2023 08:46

I know I'm nosy, sorry

namechange1487 · 24/01/2023 08:53

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 24/01/2023 07:10

I have been reminded again, by my talking bin, that this is how World War 1 started.

Well, first an argument about the changing the settings on Herman Hollerith's tabulating machine which then escalated to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

So please be careful.

Your bun talks to you?

That's rubbish

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 24/01/2023 09:04

namechange1487 · 24/01/2023 08:53

Your bun talks to you?

That's rubbish

Bin

BunchHarman · 24/01/2023 09:06

Yes I was really really annoying but he can be annoying too?

Why didn’t you stop though? I don’t really understand that.

Daffodilis · 24/01/2023 09:19

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 24/01/2023 09:04

Bin

I want a talking bin now

SallyWD · 24/01/2023 09:23

I think he was really irritated that you'd been messing around with his gadget after he told you not to. Your messing around had caused problems just as he'd anticipated. I'd be irritated too!! But he apologised so I don't think this is a big deal at all.

Ofcourseshecan · 24/01/2023 09:24

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 24/01/2023 07:10

I have been reminded again, by my talking bin, that this is how World War 1 started.

Well, first an argument about the changing the settings on Herman Hollerith's tabulating machine which then escalated to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

So please be careful.

Grin
whattodo1975 · 24/01/2023 09:26

What were you really doing though ? Snooping i think.

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:29

@Daffodilis maybe half the week? Most of the weekend altho also seeing friends during that time. And a day or two / evening mid week as well.

OP posts:
Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:30

@whattodo1975not snooping. It wasn’t a phone, it was depressingly one of those hyper connected home devices eg a bin or smart speaker. I was just interested by it.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 24/01/2023 09:31

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 08:31

Wow! Some really mean comments here. I didn’t have the happiest childhood and am very over apologetic, when I mess up I am desperate to make things right. Equally I was shouted at for small things. I think what happened yesterday brought back some of those emotions so I felt a bit frozen hence coming onto here to post. I have owned and said to him l try to make it better (just as I would do for him) and he has graciously accepted my apology…

there are no red flags I don’t think unless posters are intent on seeing them. Yes I was really really annoying but he can be annoying too? None of us are perfect. Surely that is a relationship: both need to find someone whose annoying habits are ones you can tolerate. Bluntly speaking.

Rather a lot of deflection here. You messed with his stuff despite being asked not to. Not respecting boundaries is a red flag, he’d be right to keep an eye on that.

Watchkeys · 24/01/2023 09:31

Ididn’t have the happiest childhood and am very over apologetic, when I mess up I am desperate to make things right. Equally I was shouted at for small things. I think what happened yesterday brought back some of those emotions so I felt a bit frozen hence coming onto here to post

So there you go. You did something he asked you not to, and was upset when you carried on and disrespected his wishes. This triggered childhood feelings and issues in you.

It's quite simple. Respect other people's wishes, and look into sorting out your triggering. This isn't about phone access. It's about conflict resolution, and the fact that someone having authority over their own privacy makes you feel like a child.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 24/01/2023 09:34

Aquamarine1029 · 24/01/2023 00:48

I wasn't being spiteful at all, and I don't think you know what being spiteful means if that's your impression.

I was being direct, and I would absolutely say what I wrote verbatim to the op's face if I had the opportunity. The op was 100% in the wrong, their ego was bruised, and they were trying to lay blame on the boyfriend when all he did was to be annoyed by her lack of respect for his property.

I agree, you weren't being spiteful at all. She did what she was asked not to do, did it anyway and messed things up. Totally behaving like a child

maddy68 · 24/01/2023 09:34

Not seeing the problem .....

Daffodilis · 24/01/2023 09:35

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:29

@Daffodilis maybe half the week? Most of the weekend altho also seeing friends during that time. And a day or two / evening mid week as well.

I'd really pull back a bit and start dating each other rather than spending so much time in each others homes. You should be enjoying this early part of your relationship not getting annoyed at each other.

powershowerforanhour · 24/01/2023 09:38

Observe how he treats his mum. If he's snappy, impatient, patronising or generally a bit high handed with her, that'll be you in a couple of years.

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:38

Why are people piling on? I’ve said a few times now that I was in the wrong and I agree. Why is everyone repeating the same thing as if I didn’t understand the first time it was said? I did and I do.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 24/01/2023 09:43

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:38

Why are people piling on? I’ve said a few times now that I was in the wrong and I agree. Why is everyone repeating the same thing as if I didn’t understand the first time it was said? I did and I do.

Usually because they don't read the full thread and think they are being original, don't take it to heart

Watchkeys · 24/01/2023 09:43

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:38

Why are people piling on? I’ve said a few times now that I was in the wrong and I agree. Why is everyone repeating the same thing as if I didn’t understand the first time it was said? I did and I do.

I think possibly people are answering you because you asked them to, and it's a forum, rather than an individual life lesson for you. Your posts in response are increasingly childlike, which hints at why you're having the problem in the first place.

You pissed him off by doing something he asked you not to. He acted pissed off. That's it. Any drama after that is yours, and created by you.

Catnary · 24/01/2023 09:45

Salkopetta · 24/01/2023 09:38

Why are people piling on? I’ve said a few times now that I was in the wrong and I agree. Why is everyone repeating the same thing as if I didn’t understand the first time it was said? I did and I do.

Because most people don’t have the time or inclination to read the whole thread before adding their comments. Many don’t even read all the OP’s posts despite the handy “see all” function. People tend to post on MN because they feel the need to record their own thoughts on a question/dilemma, regardless of whether the same thing has already been said. They are not accusing you of not taking it on board. It’s about them, and the nature of the medium, not you.

Sometimes it can be useful reinforcement of a point if it is repeated/echoed/affirmed by numerous posters. But it can go a bit far.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 24/01/2023 09:47

Stop going through his devices then, you were asked not to, I would be annoyed as well.

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