New boyfriend snapped at me

[Salkopetta]

New relationship of about 4 months and all going well. I was looking at bf’s electronic device today and he asked me not to interfere with the settings; I was being careful not to and just scrolling through them out of interest. A few hours later, turns out device had an error message. I was mortified and apologies, have offered to help fix when I next see him. For context the error isn’t huge and won’t cost money to fix, just annoying. I suggested various solutions, apologised profusely etc etc.

he snapped at one of my responses (eg - “well I don’t think that’s going to work is it because it will require me being in two different places at once”) and also used the words “I did tell you not to mess with it”. He immediately apologised for being snappy and changed the subject, said he loved me etc.

iys not a massive deal and I accept I’m at fault here but feel like he’s spoken to me like a child. It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things and I have never once spoken to him like that. Not once. He has done some clumsy things at my house, spilt things etc (just once or twice and not a big deal) and I’ve always laughed it off and neevr made him feel bad for it.

how do I take this? Do I thank him for apologising, apologise myself and move on? Do I say anything? I don’t like being spoken to like a child and don’t like the tone be used at me. But he did apologise so don’t want to stew.

I wasn't being spiteful at all, and I don't think you know what being spiteful means if that's your impression.

I was being direct, and I would absolutely say what I wrote verbatim to the op's face if I had the opportunity. The op was 100% in the wrong, their ego was bruised, and they were trying to lay blame on the boyfriend when all he did was to be annoyed by her lack of respect for his property.

I just can't get over what level of vitriol and self hatred you'd need to have this sort of toxic investment in someone else's generally loving relationship?

But would you actually say that to someone's face?

I get what you say about prudishness about language colouring your perception, I swear a lot so the odd fuck doesn't seem particularly spiteful to me.

But telling someone they are full of vitriol and self hatred? That seems pretty nasty to me

If someone said what the poster you responded to said to my face I might be a bit upset but I would recognise their point and forgive them. If someone said what you said to my face I would reconsider my friendship with them

I get what you say about prudishness about language colouring your perception, I swear a lot so the odd fuck doesn't seem particularly spiteful to me.

Yes, but not just prudishness - I swear probably on a daily basis. It was in combination with the overall tone, which I read as commanding, self-important and patronising. To me it seemed like OP was genuinely just asking for insight.

It's actually the way my family spoke to each other growing up (and still do) and it's just quite unnecessary to hear nasty impatient "leave it the fuck alone", etc, everyday in my opinion. Why, when you can just talk to each other like human beings?

But that's genuinely completely a personal preference, and tone may not carry over on the Internet.

But would you actually say that to someone's face?

I would, actually. (Perhaps on hindsight, I might have taken the time to phrase it a bit nicely, attributing the vitriol etc to the statement rather than the person?)

I also wouldn't have been offended by someone saying that to me. Perhaps that's because I intended it in a particular tone when I typed it, but again I appreciate that tone is easily misread online.

My circle of friends is quite psychoanalytically in a way that might make you roll your eyes. You're probably right that we strongly prefer to move in different circles.

This may risk being seen as condescending but I do genuinely believe when anyone (including myself) lash out unnecessarily at others, even for seemingly small things, it is often from some form of self loathing/hatred/frustration... We're generally much more patient with perceived flaws when we don't think they might be a mirror of our own. But I think overall it was a mistake to have posted and I apologise. Won't engage further so as not to derail the solved thread.

First world problems...

See here's my thing. In the first days of a relationship we're generally on our 'best behaviour'. If he's 'snapping' at this early stage, how might his anger manifest itself once he feels 'secure' in the relationship and starts to let his guard down? So depending on what 'snapping' is, it could be a red flag.

Just because someone messed up isn't a reason to 'snap' at them, again depending on what 'snapping' is. Someone's 'snap' may be pursed lips and a 'tight' tone of voice. Another person's 'snap' may be a red face, bulging eyes, and 'snarling' comments. Yet another person's may be a look of disdain and a condescending tone. The first is 'ok'. The latter two are not, and would be red flags to me.

Being snapped at and then being told that he loves me would be more of a concern. Is it OK to snap at me because you love me?
I think most people don't like their electronic devices being tampered with so maybe you need to be more mindful of this.I hate anyone holding or using my phone.

He said ' please don't mess with my shit'
You messed with his shit
He was understandably annoyed and snapped at you?
No brainier really.

But isn't this around the time that narcissists let their guard down

3-4 months into the relationship

For me it would be a red flag but I wasn’t in the room so I don't know how bad it was. I’d cool it off for a bit and keep an eye out for other red flags.
If he’s saying he loves you so soon then that’s also a red flag.
Proceed with caution.
Find out more about red flags.
If something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t.

This.

Hugely off topic!! How on earth do you get to the idea that @Aquamarine1029 is full of 'vitriol and self hatred' for saying leave his stuff the fuck alone?! I think that's the biggest reach I've even seen on MN!!

If you mucked about with my equipment after I'd explicitly asked you not to, and then my equipment went wrong, I'd be annoyed too! You did it, he got annoyed then apologised and moved on!! You probably need to as well!

As for the poster querying an 'I love you' after 4 months, or the other saying it's textbook narcissism? What is the acceptable MN timescale for such matters, so we can all make sure we're on target?

Honestly, sometimes I wonder how the human race survives!

I mean, I’d snap too, probably - and I’m the first to think a man is a jerk & say “nope, dump him,” but in this case it sounds ok.

I would, however, keep your eyes open and see how he is in a year or two. But that’s just me- I can’t abide sniping and snapping.

seems fine, over all (and I don’t feel you need to apologize more, either. It’s not a big deal)

My Mum told my Dad she loved him after 2 weeks. They are still pretty loved up 54 years later. Its something to be wary off but not a definite red flag.

This is just a normal human reaction to someone doing something that is irritating. If he starts snapping at you when you do stuff that isn’t annoying, then it would be different.

like everyone else I’d be annoyed if you were messing in my settings (why were you in the settings anyway)? But I guess it depends how he was when he snapped. It can be a sign of future behaviour. My ex was amazing, or so I thought and it was probably more than 4 months in that I saw the first red flag, and ignored it. Now I’m dating someone else, first relationship since the ex (was single a long time) and I’m very wary of anyone treating me badly so I’d be analysing any signs. If he was very nasty when he snapped I might be concerned, otherwise I’d accept apology and move on.

I don’t think 4 months is mega early to be telling someone you love them, my bf told me sooner than that. I mean I think some of it is lust / limerence this early on but it can and does develop into love. Some people you do fall in love with very quickly and if you feel that way, why not say it? If you’re both happy saying it at 4 months or sooner who cares!

He immediately apologised for being snappy and changed the subject, said he loved me etc.

this is a good sign. He was frustrated and expressed it. He was in the right to be annoyed at you and he didn't blow things out of proportion. He expressed annoyance, he didn't overreact, didn't call you names and didn't shout (I hope). Totally normal. A little bit of conflict is inevitable in any relationship and it's how you deal with it and how you repair things that makes the difference. Would you rather he didn't say anything but bottle up the frustration and build resentment?

An sorry but him spilling something is not comparable unless he was being very careless. That is an accident. You scrolling through the settings after he asked you not to was a conscious choice.

Chuck it up as learning experience and don't hold it against him.

OP accepted the posts saying she was wrong so why on earth are more posters piling on to say more or less the same statements? Ridiculous really.

If I asked someone not to ‘scroll though the settings’ of something I was working on and they carried on doing it anyway, and then they cocked it up, I’d snap at them too, and probably talk to them like a child, because they’d behaved like one.

I have been reminded again, by my talking bin, that this is how World War 1 started.

Well, first an argument about the changing the settings on Herman Hollerith's tabulating machine which then escalated to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

So please be careful.

Perhaps people have different perspectives on what loving someone involves- you’re the one who described him in your OP as a “new boyfriend” so it jarred to read that it was already at the “I love you” stage.

A lot of “Love ya babes” type chat goes on I guess, just sounds shallow to me.

how do I take this

Like an adult who can form their own judgements of a situation to inform their behaviour.

The fact that you've come to a forum over such a small thing shows that you lack self validation. Google it, and compare it to 'external evaluation'.

I think maybe he is the one who should be seeing a red flag. You ignored his request not to mess with his stuff. Why did you think that was ok? It is hardly surprising he was unhappy with you.

Why on earth were you going into his settings?!

Wow! Some really mean comments here. I didn’t have the happiest childhood and am very over apologetic, when I mess up I am desperate to make things right. Equally I was shouted at for small things. I think what happened yesterday brought back some of those emotions so I felt a bit frozen hence coming onto here to post. I have owned and said to him l try to make it better (just as I would do for him) and he has graciously accepted my apology…

there are no red flags I don’t think unless posters are intent on seeing them. Yes I was really really annoying but he can be annoying too? None of us are perfect. Surely that is a relationship: both need to find someone whose annoying habits are ones you can tolerate. Bluntly speaking.