My wife’s hoarding - Help

[Silvergeneral]

I am hoping you can help me. I have been married 20+ years and have two DS’s aged 18 & 20, both living at home.
The problem I have is my DW’s hoarding of all their surplus belongings. Currently in our house there are boxes everywhere of their old toys and clothes - the garage is full, the loft is full, the conservatory is full, the dining room is unusable as it is floor to ceiling with boxes, the upstairs landing is floor to ceiling with boxes, as are all our bedrooms. These boxes contain clothes from when the DS’s were babies and primary school age (including bibs, cot toys, baby grows etc) and children’s toys. I am currently sitting with over 200+ large cardboard boxes around me!!

I have been saying for years that we should take all these to charity shops etc, but my DW is convinced she can sell them. She does sell some on the odd occasion, however any space is soon replaced and reduced further by new boxes. I have offered to take these boxes to boot sales, charity shops etc but she refuses. It has now got to the situation where she gets very angry if I mention them. At the weekend I tried to replace an upstairs ceiling light but tripped carrying the step ladder due to the boxes everywhere. This led to another argument. I want them gone and my house back, honestly it is embarrassing when we have guests as it looks like we live in a warehouse. Any advice as to how to tackle this?

I can guarantee it stems from anxiety or depression. It nearly always does. My DF hoarded everything and it was terribly sad. I think you need to gently try and get to the root cause or suggest she talks about it to someone. It's generally a way for someone to gain some control over their life. I'm not a therapist so don't quote me, but this is a common scenario.

Hoarding can be a complex issue but very hard to live with. I believe the charity Mind can give advice on this as it is actually a mental health proble, related to OCD. It's a tough one to navigate though as hoarders are often emotionally attached to the things they are hoarding, which makes parting with them difficult.
The fact your wife has sold some of the items is a good sign though as it shows she is able to let some go. Perhaps you can help her build on that?

Thank you for your replies. I understand that the underlying problem is likely to be mental/emotional. To be honest we need a mass clear out of these boxes and not small steps as we are running out of room. Realistically will anyone really buy 15+ year old clothes and toys?

Yes they will, some anyway, but only if they're actually listed somewhere. They can't sell if they're not for sale. Things like bibs- no. But vintage dungarees, jackets, toys, have a bit of a market at the moment.
Can you work together and list on vinted or somewhere one weekend? Or search the tag #preloved or #vintage on instagram, see if you can get in touch with someone who might buy a lot from you to sell on?

Probably not. Could you suggest donating them to a charity shop rather than selling them? This would get them out of the house, and even if the clothes can’t be sold by the charity, they can be sent for recycling and raise some money that way.

I have struggled to get rid of my daughter’s baby clothes (she’s 7), and one thing that has helped is going through clothes for each size and picking my favourites (favourite top, leggings, dress, baby grow) and giving myself ‘permission’ to keep those as long as I donate the rest. It’s made it a lot easier for me.

Would she accept it if you ‘took the lead’ and said ‘Let’s sort through this box today’ where you go through the box together, decide what to keep, then you arrange for the rest to be donated? Sometimes the process of getting things out of the house can feel more daunting than actually sorting through the stuff itself!

Thanks Anon, another problem apart from the physical hoarding is the fact that this has become a subject that cannot be raised, even if I raise it gently. Additionally as we both work full time life is very busy and the box situation is always far down her list of priorities. It’s as almost as though once something is boxed up it becomes invisible to my wife.

They don't get any better with age and she's already barricading you in with her other possessions.

Run, run far away and ensure that the cost of disposal of all her shit is deducted from her half of the house value.

Has she ever accessed therapy for this? Hoarding is a complex mental health issue. As far as I'm aware, simply removing the hoard often leads to hoarders collecting more stuff to replace it.

It sounds like she is deep in avoidance, it make take some tough love to push her to go to therapy.

I wish you the best, you deserve to live in pleasant and safe house.

Hoarding is a mental health issue. She needs to seek mental health support before she can deal with physical symptoms of stuff.

As PP have said - such a complex issue. If she's not willing to engage at all, then you probably need to take drastic action (leaving, clearing it out without permission etc).

Obviously it's a huge issue for you and your DSs and DW in the house, but also - it's a huge huge fire risk. Fires spread so quickly in houses that are full of hoards and also if you needed the emergency services (god forbid!) would they be able to actually access the property?

Agreed she needs support and therapy. Does she acknowledge there is a problem, even if she's unable to do anything about it at this stage?
It's only going to get worse as you both age and will make having grandchild visit and carers etc very difficult and it will be very isolating.
As the person who doesn't have mental health issues you are going to have to be the one to step up and take control of the situation - this is damaging to everyone who lives in that house.
Can talk to your wife and help her by finding a therapist who specialises in hoarding behaviours?
My Mum was a hoarder, she had a lot of vulnerabilities around rejection. I don't think she ever got therapy and she died years ago, but I'm still dealing with her things!

@NeverDropYourMooncup - I don’t want to leave my wife as I love her. I just want my house back.

Oh my.
How can this be resolved when it's a taboo topic? 😔
So sorry op.
Hoarding is such a tough problem. Often partners cope by managing to limit it to some extent but it seems even this is resisted and you are being swallowed.
I don't think I could live with this and would be sitting down and asking her to get help (and support her and help her do that,) or I'd have to leave.
Maybe if she knew what was at stake she'd find the courage to face the situation.
Most don't though.
Many life partners build a life away from the hoarder, even though they often stay in their lives due to shared children etc.

If you can, shift your focus from the boxes, to the mental health issue that underlies them. You could remove the boxes overnight by paying a clearance company to disappear them, but as you know that wouldn't fix the issue.

This is a really complex situation, that does need professional help if there is any hope of improvement. No your wife doesn't want to talk about it, yes it is affecting your whole family so you need to let her know that you won't be held to ransom by this issue any longer and you've reached the point where it needs to be dealt with as you are unwilling to continue living in this situation.

I had a family member who was a severe hoarder for years before they died, the house was a maze of paths between piles and stacks with several rooms becoming unusable over time, so I hear your issue absolutely.

Sorry, cross post.
The strength of your love is admirable.
Presumably she loves you too, could you tell her the effect this is having and ask her to try to change the hoarding to reduce this effect?

Specialist manual health support is the only thing I've heard of working for this deep problem.

I agree you need professional help. This isn't just holding onto baby memories, which is common even in people who otherwise can be quite ruthless in clearing space! You said the boxes get replaced - what is replacing them?

No-one will really want ancient baby clothes. As a PP said, she could allow herself 5 items per child to keep and get rid of the rest. But it looks like you are now far beyond that point. Ignoring it will make it worse.

These are your sons' possessions, so surely you should be talking to your sons and getting them to deal with the problem?

How hard! If it was me I’d try couples counseling in the hopes of making her more receptive to communication. Id also be asking for a compromise. Half of the rooms in the house can have boxes, the other half has none.
Any chance your kids can take some of their old belongings. They can discreetly get rid of them without your wife’s knowledge

@HolyZarquonsSingingSeals Unfortunately she won’t see it that way. She sees these things as not only belonging to her but as being a part of her and her history, memories and life. It’s incredibly difficult, sometimes impossible to have a rational conversation about the things.

Could you tell her that you suspect you may have a mouse? I mean, this could actually happen and you’d never find it/them. They would eat through all the boxes whereas if she went through and chose the things that really have sentimental value, she could store them neatly and they wouldn’t be damaged. Also she could actually look at those things and really treasure them, whereas now they’re not accessible.

My mother’s hoarding used to be mine and my siblings things primarily, but over time this was overtaken by hobby equipment - that mostly just sits there getting dusty/perished/out of fashion. It’s such a horrible thing to see in a loved one.

@neverdropyourmooncup great advice 🙄

I was your wife, until 6 months ago. Maybe my story will suggest things that might be going on for your wife, then you could think about ways to support her and sort the boxes without causing your wife more anxiety.

I worked full time through my children's childhoods, while also prioritising my husband's career as we hoped that one day he would earn enough for me to be able to reduce my hours or stay at home for a while. This meant I had no time when they were little - I was on a constant whirlwind of nursery/childminder/school journeys, racing from work to Tesco to school nativity play to work to home and I was exhausted and juggling so much that I ran on adrenaline for 10+ years. Having no time meant that when I finally had time to remove outgrown clothes from their drawers, shop for new stuff, put the new ones away etc then I had no time left to figure out an exit for the old clothes and toys. It wasn't as simple a donating them or throwing them away - I wasn't ready for the kids to move in from those clothes because I wasn't ready for them to grow up, because I hadn't spent enough time with those little kids to move on to the next stage myself.

I hoarded everything for 10+ years, with the excuse of "time". I have only been able to sort and move a lot of those belongings on because I have stopped work and taken the time to sort through the boxes myself, allowing myself to keep any clothes I am not ready to get rid of yet, and finding people/places to pass them on to so I am happy they haven't all been put in landfill.

I am fortunate that my husband has been very patient, and that I have been able to tackle it after 10+ years instead of 20+ years. Otherwise I'd be where your wife is now.

Please help her to find a way to tackle it all really really slowly. Your level of boxes could take years to clear, one box at a time if that's all your wife is ready for. If you force it and Chuck them out, you'll distress your wife so much that it will damage your marriage.

Well, as somebody forced to grow up in a place where The Stuff took precedence over everything up to and including human life and animal welfare, I think I'm fucking well entitled to give advice to get the fuck out of it. Because it never changes. The Stuff is always more important than anything or anyone else.

You can't have both. She'll choose the house over you.