My wife’s hoarding - Help

[Silvergeneral]

I am hoping you can help me. I have been married 20+ years and have two DS’s aged 18 & 20, both living at home.
The problem I have is my DW’s hoarding of all their surplus belongings. Currently in our house there are boxes everywhere of their old toys and clothes - the garage is full, the loft is full, the conservatory is full, the dining room is unusable as it is floor to ceiling with boxes, the upstairs landing is floor to ceiling with boxes, as are all our bedrooms. These boxes contain clothes from when the DS’s were babies and primary school age (including bibs, cot toys, baby grows etc) and children’s toys. I am currently sitting with over 200+ large cardboard boxes around me!!

I have been saying for years that we should take all these to charity shops etc, but my DW is convinced she can sell them. She does sell some on the odd occasion, however any space is soon replaced and reduced further by new boxes. I have offered to take these boxes to boot sales, charity shops etc but she refuses. It has now got to the situation where she gets very angry if I mention them. At the weekend I tried to replace an upstairs ceiling light but tripped carrying the step ladder due to the boxes everywhere. This led to another argument. I want them gone and my house back, honestly it is embarrassing when we have guests as it looks like we live in a warehouse. Any advice as to how to tackle this?

As many have said it’s a MH issue related to loss.

My MIL had the same problem and it became so bad that tradesmen couldn’t enter her home to fix boiler so she lived with no hot water or heating for years.

She would not let us tackle it - it was very shame and rage inducing.

In the end we tempted her out. We took her to see a stunning new apartment which she loved. She had cash to rent it and start afresh. The hoard was never mentioned again and although she lived in messy clutter we just kept on top of it from the start rather than trying to deal with 50 years of stuff.

She never looked back or wanted anything. We just cleared everything (got a firm in) and renovated and sold her house for her.

I am aware that this isn’t necessarily an option for you but I am telling you it because in our experience ripping the plaster off dramatically was a relief to her. She was unable to cooperate, plan or make decisions or take actions due to paralysis of anger and shame.

If I were you I would take you all away for a week and during that time have a firm move all the boxes to a rented lock up - where she has 6 months to sort at her own leisure (she won’t) and have the house cleaned / painted etc for your return.

i believe the growing hoard becomes an ever increasing burden and responsibility for them and they become overwhelmed.

My MIL was visibly relieved to escape and for it to be tackled - even though she would never have agreed and resisted all of our attempts.

You have your family safety and your DCs MH to prioritise.

We did this - it worked.

It wasn’t even traumatic my MIL was relieved even though she admitted that - she didn’t look or ask for anything.

I also think that the MH and emotional wellbeing of developing teenagers is the priority.

With any other obsession/addiction that physically and mentally impacted other members of the family there would be interventions Eg smoking in the house tobacco or weed - people wouldn’t be tiptoeing around and tolerating the huge negative impact on their DCs. It would be negotiated that it would take place outside the house.

This a communal space - your DCs home which should be a place of sanctuary, calm, peace and respect. I would take back control and prioritise them.

Personally, I would do everything I could to get help for her. If she refuses then I would clear the whole lot out myself, using a contractor. because I could not live this way

And neither could I.
On that American programme "Hoarders" they do sometimes have success with just chucking everything out, if they can get it done without the hoarder sabotaging the process.

I would not allow a hoard to take over my life anyway, but if I had to get rid of someone's hoard, I would do it in a heartbeat. No way would I let them go through the whole lot, choosing what to keep and what to chuck out. No chance.

Just get it done. After all, once it's gone, most hoarders are glad that someone has taken the initiative for them.

Also the debate on this thread that the contents of the boxes are the DCs rather than the DW so they get to decide - is important as is that they are also the property of the OP / DH if they were purchased with “family” money.

It may be a complex mental health issue but the fact here is that she is being totally unreasonable and unfair. It’s affecting someone else’s living space and she needs to be put under considerable pressure to listen, acknowledge and sort her mess. Brutal but true.

No. I would not tackle this one box at a time as has been suggested. There is a very clear fire risk in your home and exits are not readily available in the event a fire starts. I would get the Fire Brigade out to risk assess. Hopefully this will drive home to your wife the seriousness of the situation. She is placing the lives of her family members at risk.
The risk assessment will confirm the boxes need to be disposed of. Go with your wife to a GP appointment to explain and discuss. I am suggesting you and your sons need to tackle this practical clearing. Your wife will need -

1. Someone to be with her while this happens.
2. Possibly a calming medication to be used during this process and the immediate aftermath.
3. An evaluation of her mental health by a mental health team.

Please let us know how this is going. I say all of the foregoing as a retired Mental Health Officer in Scotland. There is reason to believe your wife is mentally unwell and needs assessment and treatment. She is endangering her own life and yours due to this situation. Something really needs to be quickly done!

This is a MH issue, and also this is abusive in this case. I can see no easy answer. Like an addict who isn't open to help, you can't make them.

Make it safe for her to declutter while retaining a sense of control.

Make the process as easy as possible:

• a place for everything
• lots of small wins
• clear and straightforward routes for getting things out

Multiple reasons for doing it:

• friend asking for clothes for local refugees
• local appeal for toys

One suggestion:

Hire a storage space with racking. Buy clear plastic boxes with lids which are big enough to hold a reasonable amount of stuff and small enough to manoeuvre, a non-permanent way of labelling them and some zipped bags for taking things away.

One full box at a time to the storage place. As the first item comes out, categorise it (e.g. baby clothes), name the first clear box "baby clothes", put the item in. If the next thing out belongs there too, it goes there. If it doesn't, the next clear box gets named ("wooden railway") and the item has a home.

If during this process things are found which can be let go, they get put into zipped bags and dropped off on the way home (laundrette, to be picked up and taken to the charity shop, dump etc). Nothing comes back to the house unless there is a space for it.

Rationale:

Items get put together which allows the person to see how much of one type of thing they have (Marie Kondo and all the house-tidying programmes do this). This makes it easier to let things go as you can choose the most important, and also have a sense of just how much there is in one category (rather than it just being 'stuff').

It will start slowly but get quicker and the result is much more likely to be permanent, not least because there is no feeling of being out of control.

It is largely one way - things will be going out of the house.

Notes:

Someone 'neutral' to support the process initially would be helpful - e.g. a professional declutterer or a really supportive friend - to get the process going with less emotion involved.

This is a great rational approach for someone with a rational mind.

I don’t think that anyone with this disorder is mentally capable of doing this systematically - it’s too confusing and traumatic.

I am not sure I have ever heard of anyone overcoming this like this.

It’s fully a family wide issue that has been out of control for years and years and the family need to step in and take back control. 75% of the family are desperately unhappy with their own MH / emotional health compromised and 100% of the family are at physical fire risk.

The family also need to take some responsibility for it getting to such a bad place.

The OP needs to step in and step up for his DCs - who’s childhoods have been blighted by this to date.

Those suggesting 'disappearing' things -

Many hoarders rely on stuff because they have been let down by people. Objects have permanence and security, and offer a tangible link to the past, to happier times and people who may no longer be with us.

By removing things, especially by stealth, the belief that people are less reliable is reinforced and the hoarder may cling all the more fiercely to possessions.

Lots of people suggesting logical solutions, but these people are not rational

My mother went absolutely nuts when a friend cleaned her fridge once when he was house sitting. He only threw out stuff that was mouldy or ages past its sell by date. She still rants about this 15 years or more later

She has a chest freezer containing items from as far back as the 80s, which no longer closes as it’s so full/iced up

She’s always buying cheap c**p and she thinks it’s wonderful.

Until she decides she wants to deal with it, there’s nothing we can do. Going there triggers my allergies so badly I’m generally ill for a couple of days.

Basically we have to wait for her to go into care or die…

@Silvergeneral have you made any progress, OP?

Could you actually go through 1 box per day. Set up an eBay account and save the money from selling stuff for a purchase that will benefit the whole family. (House makeover/Holiday with your dc) Who knows what you will find.

I must admit to keeping a lot of dc’s old toys. Dd and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I do think that I used to pack things away because my brain was so full of noise and other stuff that to get an idea of what to do with something was so hard to think through the shouting and singing going on in my brain meant that it was easier to pack stuff away than come up with an idea no matter how simple of what to do

Dd came across something I know I have loads of in a random box (we moved last year)
Apparently they are memorabilia . She put it on her eBay account and got £50 for one. I think I have around £25,000 of memorabilia stacked away in a few boxes somewhere in the garage or a storage. Locker or somewhere in the house.
DD and Ds are excited to find their Hot Wheel Cars. Dd and Ds had loads

Dd has registered as an eBay seller I think she gets a promotion 80% off final value selling fees. We have only been doing this for a month and so far have raised nearly £1000 just on random stuff.
My bedroom which was a dumping ground is looking clearer.

My money is going on a holiday and to finish off a house I am doing.