My wife’s hoarding - Help

[Silvergeneral]

I am hoping you can help me. I have been married 20+ years and have two DS’s aged 18 & 20, both living at home.
The problem I have is my DW’s hoarding of all their surplus belongings. Currently in our house there are boxes everywhere of their old toys and clothes - the garage is full, the loft is full, the conservatory is full, the dining room is unusable as it is floor to ceiling with boxes, the upstairs landing is floor to ceiling with boxes, as are all our bedrooms. These boxes contain clothes from when the DS’s were babies and primary school age (including bibs, cot toys, baby grows etc) and children’s toys. I am currently sitting with over 200+ large cardboard boxes around me!!

I have been saying for years that we should take all these to charity shops etc, but my DW is convinced she can sell them. She does sell some on the odd occasion, however any space is soon replaced and reduced further by new boxes. I have offered to take these boxes to boot sales, charity shops etc but she refuses. It has now got to the situation where she gets very angry if I mention them. At the weekend I tried to replace an upstairs ceiling light but tripped carrying the step ladder due to the boxes everywhere. This led to another argument. I want them gone and my house back, honestly it is embarrassing when we have guests as it looks like we live in a warehouse. Any advice as to how to tackle this?

@Silvergeneral What would she do if you took the boxes to the charity shop without mentioning it ?Would she even notice ?
My bro is a hoarder but if you get rid of stuff when he's not there he doesn't notice.

All these things do not belong to the OP or the OP's wife. They all belong to the dc aged 18 & 20. It needs to be their decision what happens to their old toys. The toys belong to them, not the OP, not the wife, and that needs to be made really clear to her, one way or the other.

I have hoarding tendencies, and had several large boxes of dd's school work, all her pictures, drawings, reports, you name it, for the entirety of her school life. One day, she was absolutely adamant that we needed the room, and that she was going to throw it all away. We argued for some time until she got really angry with me, and shouted, "They're not YOURS Mum, they're MINE and I DON'T WANT TO KEEP THEM!!!" She was right, of course. We both went through it all together and kept half a dozen certificates, a couple of pictures and one English book that she'd written a funny story in, and won a prize for.

I found it utterly gut-wrenching, but it had to be done.

Yes they definitely would.
So I wouldnt focus on those particular boxes and conversation in the first instance. Else you will lose.

Ok, I'll bite: ODFOD.

Have you sat her down and asked if she can explain why her need to keep all of this stuff trumps your right to live in a safe and healthy home?
Assuming the 18 & 20 year old still live there I would also get them involved as pp have mentioned it is actually their stuff.
If this conversation came to nothing I would be considering my options with regards to leaving, I absolutely could not live like this at all.
Perhaps give her a timescale to work towards before you go if you're feeling generous but mean it and stick to it.

As PPs have said this is an extremely difficult to treat mental health issue which is thought to relate to OCD and trauma so it's an awful position to be in.

Will she even let you sort and label things, OP?

If you bought a whole bunch of shoebox-to-drawer-sized, see through, lidded plastic boxes, would you be allowed to organise things into them - not throw any out! But e.g. one box "baby clothes, 0-6mo, not sentimental, stained", one box "DC name, outgrown clothes, sentimental", one box "DC name toys, outgrown, eBay value £0-5" and so on. To be honest that might take a couple of years of solid work.

Get shelving in. You still will have THE STUFF
but at least be able to see there are no mice/moths/mould, and be able to safely move things for access...

It would at least reduce trip, fire and pest hazard; give the kids a chance to claim and somehow re-home anything they legitimately can ("It's my toy Mum and I'm giving it to charity"); and, make it quicker for you / the DC to sort the STUFF should the need or opportunity arise.

Beyond that who knows. Frankly I'm as pessimistic as everyone else, I'm mid fifties and seen too much. I just thought, "If I could think of something helpful which might limbo under the conflict barrier, what would it be?".

Full disclosure - am not a pathological hoarder but find it difficult to throw things out and I kind of feel an echo of the panic and resistance to getting rid. Look into my childhood and - bingo - divorce; bereavement; loss; being given all my stuff in binbags when my mum and stepdad moved house and I was in my final year of uni... nothing big, nothing truly awful, but enough that I cling to things because the people are gone. Significantly, when I managed to get back in touch with my childhood friend, I then threw out 95% of the exercise books from school that I still had in my thirties.

I would disagree with one point.

My adult children have no interest in their baby/toddler/kids' stuff. it was for me to dispose of, not them.

But you have to have a line. Otherwise she has no need to change if you continue to put up with it

To be honest, as someone who grew up with a hoarder parent, I think you need to give her an ultimatum. Either she gets help and sorts the hoarding out, or you leave. If you are not prepared to do this, then you'll need to accept that the situation will never improve. In fact, with time, it will get worse.
I know it's tough and I wish you all the best

It was probably my point, wasn't it?

The thing is, I'm assuming that you did get rid of their old stuff. You didn't hoard endless hundreds of boxes of your dc's things because you couldn't bear to part with them. If she can't or won't do it, then someone else has to, and that naturally falls to the people it belongs to.

1990s baby clothes will sell well in Vinted /eBay if you market them as Vintage 90s. It's v in now.

But sounds like she needs therapy tbh

My Mum is a hoarder, as was her father.
She will never admit it, even though one by one her rooms are filling up with junk. Her garage is already full.
She regularly trips on things, she breaks things, and something once fell on her head causing a significant injury, but she still won't acknowledge that the problem is there is TOO MUCH STUFF!

If I lived with her I would simply chuck stuff out myself, so that's what I'd advise OP.
One thing about hoarders in my experience, is that they can't possibly keep a track of what they've got. So if a box disappeared every week they wouldn't notice.

You have my sympathy OP, mil is a hoarder and I can't imagine having to live in it. It's so hard, she won't talk about it. She's in total denial that there's a problem, we've tried for years but she just wont budge and she gets very, very defensive if anyone tries to get rid of anything even if it doesnt really belong to her. Her's clearly stems from bereavement, that's exactly when it started, it's a common cause I think

"My hoarder mum and me" is a really good series available on YouTube, it's really thoughtful and helped me at least understand it a bit more.

My Gran once called the council when her husband was away for a view days, and asked them to send a skip, which she filled with his crap. He was angry but she said it was worth it. In his whole life he never voluntarily threw away a pair of shoes.
My Mum has never thrown away a toothbrush.

Fortunately, because I did escape from The Stuff, I can do that without tripping over and injuring myself on my mother's shit all over the place.

The only way to not live in a shithole full of crap is to leave.

I would leave her.
Hoarders are very selfish.
Things never improve.

Can you phrase some way like "You don't need stuff for memories. That's the job of your brain " ?

I had a friend who had belongings piled up in her house and a much used socket was covered with discarded clothing. Eventually the socket caught fire and caused considerable damage.

It's a fire hazard more than anything. All that stuff going up could mean you dead in your beds.

I honestly would get my own house and not live together. You don't have to split up.

I kept a few precious baby outfits that I washed, wrapped in tissue and put in a nice box. (which they will bin as soon as I'm not around!) I do never understand on hoarding programmes why the hoarder protests that all these things are precious (not the same as the OP's wife) and they're buried under years of filth and detritus,

However, PP are saying that the goods do belong to the DC. I'm saying they don't.

Has anyone here ever known a hoarder that has changed? I have never known any who has been able to make a sustained change and they have all gone to their graves as hoarders. I think you should be aware OP that this condition is very resistant to therapy, and she is unlikely to engage in therapy anyway. You are a better person than me. I cannot imagine loving anyone enough to want to spend the rest of my life in a sitting room surrounded by 200+ packing boxes

They'd certainly notice once the house became virtually liveable!

@neverdropyourmooncup
I empathise with you but still not good advice as he doesn't want to leave his wife, he loves her.

I'd just silently , steadily, gradually remove the boxes one by one when she's not around. Make no comment at all.

hoarding is a mental health problem, but that does not make it any easier to live with , like anyone with a addiction for the family living with the addict it can be very distressing. Also children of hoarders often become hoarders as they can also think it is normal.

Do still invite people round ?

Often women hoard things of a time of when they were most happy, so with your wife it’s sounds like when your children were baby’s and toddlers, she keeps these things as they remind her of her happy time.

So I think it may be a good time to sit down as a family and lay all your card on the table and tell her how unhappy you are and also get your children to tell her how the house is making them feel. Also ask her why these things are so important to her.

also see if you can get her to watch nick Knowles new year clear out on channel 5 on Thursday at 5pm. Also Stacey Soleman has sort your life out on Wednesday BBC1 at 9am. It’s often good to see others are also in the same boat .

if she every decides it time to change then be prepared to roll up your sleeves book a week off work. But like all addicts they have to want to change you can’t make them.

But I do know people who have change to keep there Marriage.

Also some of those toys if in good condition and complete may be worth more then you think. Ask your kids to look at them on eBay you might be surprised.

Have to tried taking matters into your own hands OP?

I would be inclined to give her a bit of an ultimatum and tell her very clearly that you cannot continue to live like this. Hire a skip and inform her of the date it is arriving. Arrange to take some annual leave and suggests she does the same.

If she still refuses to get involved in clearing some of the crap then you can make an informed decision about whether you are prepared to live the rest of your days in a house surrounded by boxes of crap. If you can't then leave.