My wife’s hoarding - Help

[Silvergeneral]

I am hoping you can help me. I have been married 20+ years and have two DS’s aged 18 & 20, both living at home.
The problem I have is my DW’s hoarding of all their surplus belongings. Currently in our house there are boxes everywhere of their old toys and clothes - the garage is full, the loft is full, the conservatory is full, the dining room is unusable as it is floor to ceiling with boxes, the upstairs landing is floor to ceiling with boxes, as are all our bedrooms. These boxes contain clothes from when the DS’s were babies and primary school age (including bibs, cot toys, baby grows etc) and children’s toys. I am currently sitting with over 200+ large cardboard boxes around me!!

I have been saying for years that we should take all these to charity shops etc, but my DW is convinced she can sell them. She does sell some on the odd occasion, however any space is soon replaced and reduced further by new boxes. I have offered to take these boxes to boot sales, charity shops etc but she refuses. It has now got to the situation where she gets very angry if I mention them. At the weekend I tried to replace an upstairs ceiling light but tripped carrying the step ladder due to the boxes everywhere. This led to another argument. I want them gone and my house back, honestly it is embarrassing when we have guests as it looks like we live in a warehouse. Any advice as to how to tackle this?

I agree with this actually, no matter what pp have said about it being a mental health issue.
This is now a safety issue - you had an accident because of all this stuff. If my DH did this and I fell, the stuff would be going the very next day whether he wanted to let it go or not. You have a right to live in a house which is not dangerous.

would she agree to move it all into a storage unit ( if you can afford it) so you can get your house and garage back? Then you can both go through it at your own pace! You need to bring up the fact the house isn’t safe anymore and also I’m sure that it affects the home insurance policy too ( I’d google this to make sure)

I think your wife will need professional help and counselling to part with this stuff so that's the first thing to look at to tackle the problem. However, if you think it's just the money she wants (and it's not an actual issue she just procrastinate) , just "arrange" for someone to collect it and say they paid whatever for it and give her some cash.

Hoarding is a serious mental health issue and it is very difficult to treat. Your wife is nowhere near wanting to clean.

I would also suggest you get support for your own self and your sons who are also profoundly affected by their mother's hoarding. I have put up a link to Hoarding UK and MIND re hoarding as it could well be useful to you

hoardinguk.org/

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/

Its not a matter of simply taking boxes away to charity shops, car boot sales and places like storage units (and that will become full soon enough). As you have seen the boxes you take get replaced by further boxes.

hoarding.support/

And from hoarding support this link

hoarding.support/friends-family/my-tips/

Has she suffered any trauma? Where has this hoarding come from?

As well as your safety physically moving round it's a fire hazard. You're risking damp if the walls are covered and other issues. My Hs Gran hoarded. When we cleared a room (with her consent) we found dead rodents behind the boxes.

You are going to have to do the difficult thing and seal to her about it. Do you have family and friends who can help so it doesn't feel like you v her. Who can help practically and in encouraging her to speak to someone about what is driving this?

What would happen if you just took some to the charity shop? Would she even notice? Would she try to physically stop you?

This behaviour is abusive, and refusing to discuss it is compounding the abuse. Can you move out for a bit?

All these belongings are not hers.

They do not belong to her, they belong to your dc. Inlist their help in getting rid of what they don't want any more.

@Silvergeneral it will have been engineered by her as a subject which cannot be brought up because she is afraid.
OCD related illnesses are based in excruciating fear and anxiety, the sufferers feel out of control. The compulsions are the attempt to soothe or control the anxiety being suffered. Hoarding is the response triggered by her anxiety.
The things she hoards are imbued with meaning and importance and therefore ‘cannot’ be got rid of in the eyes of the sufferer or they are relinquishing control over their anxiety, which they avoid doing at all costs to avoid feeling it spiral out of control.
Whilst the hoarding is the tangible, practical problem to be addressed, the underlying anxiety and fearful repetitive thinking are the causes. Tackling the anxiety and finding other ways to self soothe are the answer.However, it’s really easy to say and so hard to do.
Also easy to say is that you really do need to raise the subject and gently tell her how it’s making you feel and that you want to help her to get her life back and have the home you both deserve. This is incredibly hard and scary and you both need to be brave and find even the tiniest bit of courage. It will be worth it in the end.
The thing with OCD is that whilst it can look completely crazy to an outside observer, and as if the sufferer has lost sight of the problem, this is far from the case. The torture for the sufferer is a total awareness that what they are doing is not ok, but being terrified of stopping and not knowing how to stop it. She knows what is going on and that it needs tackling, she is just terrified of facing it all. To her this isn’t just ‘stuff’ in boxes, it’s many years’ worth of mental security. She won’t just be reluctant to deal with it, she’ll be terrified. I’m so sorry she’s so unwell at present, but it can be turned around and she can be well again.
I hope you find the courage to broach this with her, there is help out there, OCD action is a great website and when my pea brain remembers the name of the guy who wrote it I’ll give you the title of a great book on OCD.
No matter what the compulsion, checking, hand washing, hoarding…. it’s all the same illness. Hope you can get some professional help with this, you sound just like the kind and supportive person she needs. X

The book is ‘Brain Lock’ by Jeffrey M Schwarz. It might help you to read it before talking to her as it gives you an insight into what’s really going on and some really useful steps to employ to help deal with the OCD itself.

Does she acknowledge a reason behind why she’s keeping things?

Im definitely a hoarder and it drives my husband mad, but equally it’s stressful for me being in a position where I’m being “forced” to part with things.

I know my triggers are:

1. Money - I grew up poor and was told not to waste things/throw things out unless they were genuinely past repair. It makes me reluctant to throw away/donate things that are still good. I try to get around this by selling things on eBay, but even I acknowledge the return you get from this isn’t really worthwhile for the effort.

2. Desire for another child - If I had the opportunity, I’d absolutely jump on the opportunity to have another child. I logically know that this won’t happen, but getting rid of the baby things makes that feel so final and really upsets me. I’ve managed to give some of the decent stuff away and sold a few of the bigger items but it’s so so hard.

Basically, I accept hoarding is a problem of mine and I’m never going to have the carefree attitude others have to it. I know I react inappropriately if my DH brings it up, although if he suggests a small step (i.e. one box) I can start there in my own time.

Forgot to add that hoarding of your children’s stuff suggests fears of your children growing up and flying the nest, becoming teenagers and needing more independence from her, doing things as teenagers where now she can’t be around to see that they are safe, to know they are OK. She might be afraid of feeling ‘redundant’ as they start to make their own way and become increasingly independent, or afraid that their growing up means she is getting older, needing to face the future as you both age, the underlying fears could be any or all of that.
If I’m honest I always hated getting rid of my children’s stuff as they got older, every milestone reached is bittersweet as it means they have moved on another stage. So scary sometimes to realise they are growing up and your influence and presence in every area of their life naturally starts to take a back seat. In the end I got a nice memory box for each of them and forced myself to only keep one thing from the really important milestones or a really special memory, chosen with them. Anything which they were happy to part with, I parted with. You’ll get there in the end, it needs dealing with and support given, to you as well as her. Dealing with the stuff but not the underlying fears means the boxes will be replaced with many new ones later. It’s the equivalent of kicking the can along the road. Hope you can get some help. X

Your DWs need to live surrounded by these possessions doesn’t and shouldn’t trump her DH and DCs need to live in a safe, sanitary and pleasant home.

I know hoarding is an illness but with any illness we owe it to ourselves as well as our family to get as much help as possible to manage and/or treat it. It’s not ok for you to have to live like this because she ‘can’t go there.’ If she was living alone then it’s up to her how she lives. If she wants to live with others then this has to be talked about. And not just talked about - she needs to get help and get rid of this stuff.

As much as you love her maybe the threat of moving out would help her to deal with this. Have your DCs expressed how they feel having to navigate a daily obstacle course around their old bibs, babygrows and toys and be unable to access most of their home? She either puts these things first or her family first.

this is a mental illness and she needs help. she will never deal with this herself without it and you will never get your house back. you cant help her, she needs proper professional help. if you give her an ultimatum then she will choose the stuff over you. Personally, I would do everything I could to get help for her. if she refuses then I would clear the whole lot out myself, using a contractor. because I could not live this way. I used to deal with hoarders in a previous job and one family did this. it was traumatic but it worked and it jolted the hoarder back to reality. its horrible to have to do but wait until she is away from the house for a prolonged period and just do it. this is your house as well.

I sympathise and I feel very sorry for your sons. I grew up with a hoarder mother and it caused me lots of issues - shame, stress, asthma! When I left home I couldn't bear any ornaments or nicknacks around my house. We were bought a carriage clock as a wedding present and I remember gingerly putting on our completely bare mantelpiece and having palpitations that I was turning into my mother- I was on a slippery slope!

My mother's hoarding was, and is, linked to the trauma of my father's death at 36. To this day (50+ years later) she can't cope with any change and her house is in a terrible state.

I wonder if your wife has suffered a loss? Or maybe some other trauma in the past? It's definitely a complex mental health issue and you will likely need professional help to deal with it.

I hope some of the links above offer some hope that there are ways to improve your situation.

There is a programme on Channel 5 Thursdays at 7pm called Nick Knowles Big house clearout. Basically they stick all the belongings of a families house in a giant warehouse and then they have to get rid of at least 50% of their belongings and in return the team refurbish their house.
It might help your wife to watch this programme (there are 2 previous seasons too) the before and after of the houses plus the value afterwards by removing the clutter might be motivating.
You also see the struggle of people getting rid of things and memories etc I’ve found it quite cathartic watching it and it’s encouraged quite a few tip and charity shop runs. I’ve also sold a fair amount on eBay.
There’s also Sort your life out with Stacey Solomon new series starts this Wednesday at 9pm on BBC One again similar premise but more about sorting things and cleaning hacks etc.
It’s not going to resolve it overnight and maybe she should talk to a professional, but it might be a good start. I love watching both of them.

Last weeks episode was real hoarding tendencies, lots of people too who had taken relatives belongings following a death and struggling to go through them.

No they won't.

If she was willing, she should choose a special outfit or two to keep properly - wrapped in a nice box. But no-one will want most of it. The best for the really old stuff is to go for rags :-(

What will you do if she refuses to get help?

That would be far too distressing. And could result in her just filling the 'space' again.

If she won't agree to be helped then the OP has a decision to make as to how he wants his own life to be,

You need to employ someone to empty the house. It may end your marriage but I couldn't live like this.

As a stopgap, can you get a storage unit? Gets them out of the house at least, and if your wife can see how much it's costing you every month, she may be more keen to get rid of them

Is there the funds for a secure lock up for all the boxes? If so, I'd tell her that they are being relocated there. In the meantime, I'd ask her to take steps to work on her mental health such as therapy.

Once she's on the path to working on why she does this, the lockup can be slowly emptied.

Given how much this is affecting you and the home, if she chooses not to do the things that will improve it, then she's telling you where you are on her list of priorities and it's low.