My wife’s hoarding - Help

[Silvergeneral]

I am hoping you can help me. I have been married 20+ years and have two DS’s aged 18 & 20, both living at home.
The problem I have is my DW’s hoarding of all their surplus belongings. Currently in our house there are boxes everywhere of their old toys and clothes - the garage is full, the loft is full, the conservatory is full, the dining room is unusable as it is floor to ceiling with boxes, the upstairs landing is floor to ceiling with boxes, as are all our bedrooms. These boxes contain clothes from when the DS’s were babies and primary school age (including bibs, cot toys, baby grows etc) and children’s toys. I am currently sitting with over 200+ large cardboard boxes around me!!

I have been saying for years that we should take all these to charity shops etc, but my DW is convinced she can sell them. She does sell some on the odd occasion, however any space is soon replaced and reduced further by new boxes. I have offered to take these boxes to boot sales, charity shops etc but she refuses. It has now got to the situation where she gets very angry if I mention them. At the weekend I tried to replace an upstairs ceiling light but tripped carrying the step ladder due to the boxes everywhere. This led to another argument. I want them gone and my house back, honestly it is embarrassing when we have guests as it looks like we live in a warehouse. Any advice as to how to tackle this?

I've never known a hoarder that has changed.

All the people saying it's a mental illness and she needs help - yes that may be true, but that doesn't solve anything. It could take a lifetime of therapy and she still may only be able to get rid of a couple of things.

The lack of insight that hoarders have is astounding. My Mum actually comments on the hoarding of one of her friends, saying how his house is a mess as it's full of junk! She literally can't see that her house is the same. The living room is like a junk shop - multiple armchairs, bits of random furniture, papers piled high (newspapers and bills from decades ago), torn rugs. And the kitchen - there is literally not a square inch that isn't covered by a dish, pan, food, box etc (and I'm including the floor, not just the surfaces). It's disgusting and unhygienic. All of the zillions of offers of help from me have been dismissed. She's in her 80s now and she'll never change. In fact, I'm sure most relatives of hoarders will tell you it gets worse as they get older. My Mum certainly has. She's not demented or unwell. She just doesn't see that there is a problem.

So my advice to anyone living with a hoarder is that you have 2 choices, and that's it.

1. leave
2. chuck the crap out yourself and deal with the meltdown

If I was you, I'd also discuss this issue with the local fire service. It's useful for them to have this information, as it is a risk if there's a fire.

They can advise safety measures, and discuss maintaining safe exit routes. This came up on a safeguarding day I attended.

There is also a hoarding scale, which I will link to.

hoardingdisordersuk.org/research-and-resources/clutter-image-ratings/

It's like an addiction.

The addict (hoarder) will always choose the addiction (the hoard of stuff) even at the cost of their family.

You could have it all moved to a storage unit, give her the key and the responsibility for the stuff.

That's actually a good idea. If you can afford it, hire some storage and move ALL of the boxes. Every single one. That will buy you some time, although I suspect she'll build up a new stock.

The trouble with storage unit is there very expensive, and when you add in up over a year then five years then ten years it’s shocking how much some people send on it.

After all these years will the clothes not be full of moth holes?

No advice but i feel for you op. When my beloved brother was dying of cancer his one wish was that he could die at home. It wasn't possible unfortunately, because of his wife's hoarding it wasn't safe. As a family we tried to help her clear it but she couldn't let the stuff go. It was so sad.

I'd quietly remove 1 box from every room every time she's out and take to the tip, she won't notice. Especially the loft, start at the back so it looks like it's still all there at a glance. This is your house too and you can dispose of what you wish.

So the hoarding only started when you had dc? And all your wife hoards is the dc's old stuff? So this is likely to be linked to issues re the kids: fear of them growing up and abandoning her, fear of getting old, fear that they will need her less?

Your wife needs to see a counsellor who specialises in hoarding to help her unlock why she hoards and what she's trying to hang on to.

Does she have a good relationship with the dc? Could they talk to her about the hoarding?

You're going to have to deal with the underlying mental issues behind this. The hoarding is just a manifestation of the problem, not the problem itself. It won't matter how much you get rid of. She will just keep replacing it. This is an illness and you need to see it as such. If she refuses to engage in getting help then you need to look at the relationship and decide if you can do this for the rest of your life. What would happen if you refused to put up with it anymore and just took the whole lot to the tip without telling her while she was at work? Would an ultimatum work? The stuff goes or she goes and takes it all with her?

Counselling can and does take years to have an effect, especially with hoarders (very low success rate I believe but I have no links to prove this) I agree with @Hohofortherobbers , start moving as much of it out of the house as possible. How often does she go in the loft for example? That is one space that could be cleared relatively easily.
Sadly I wouldn't worry about selling or donating it, it just wastes time - OP's main aim should be to get it out of the house as quickly and effectively as possible.
If she kicks off (and she will if she notices) give her a choice, it's you or the stuff. She will 100% choose the stuff but if you have been getting rid of it at least the house will be in a better condition to sell and it will be easier to get your stuff out if you move.
Start being a little bit more selfish, her outbursts have already started to condition you to accept her view of things, you know her way of thinking is not 'normal' so don't feel like you have to bend over backwards to accommodate her because she has a MH issue.

I really feel for you OP as my mother 87 is a hoarder . She very rarely throws anything out . She claims it’s because she grew up during ww2 . As a child I don’t remember it being a problem . I do remember huge rows between my parents about the clutter and mess . Her hoarding got worse after myself and my siblings left home . 3 empty bedrooms and possibly empty nest syndrome. My DF was also away a lot on business. However it got really bad after my DF died 20 years ago , obviously depression linked to grief . Two rooms were unusable due to boxes of stuff .
7 years ago she downsized from a 4 bed house to a 2 bed flat and that was the only way we she allowed us to clear her house . It was very tough for her but there was no other way. However 7 years on her flat is just as cluttered as her old house and full of boxes, papers , clothes which don’t fit her . The kitchen full of plastic food trays and yoghurt pots . She’s frail and has poor mobility and frankly it’s a trip hazard . I’ve offered to help her have a sort and clear out but she refuses . What I’m saying is that even if you got a skip and had a clear out . It will all come back . My mother won’t change at 87 but your wife might given she’s much younger . However you need professional advice .

Could you hire a temp storage unit and move the stuff one day when she is at work? Yes, hoarding is indicative of MH issues but it's your house too and if she won't discuss with you time to take other actions..

I feel, having seen some (very sad and tbh frustrating) shows about the issue that it will "regrow" even if everything is removed. It is a compulsion of sorts although I am no expert.

You can love the person but not like the way they refuse to consider your quality of life. There is a difference.

The only thing I can suggest if you are determined to continue to live with her is to photograph every room and box and show them to her. She probably doesn't even see the mess she is creating both for you and your sons. Then tell her the boxes are going in two days time or at the weekend. Don't delay anymore.

I think you have put the boundaries back in and quickly. It is not HER house it is the family home and you all have to live there in relative comfort, the boys need somewhere to bring their mates, and you need somewhere to chill out and invite people to.

Ultimatum time. Keep a small number of items, bin/donate the rest. Don't sell them as that is a recipe for procrastination. Clean sweep clearout.

If she is unhappy and has a meltdown and refuses to comply you have to leave. I am sorry but I am only speaking about what I would do. There is no way I could live like that no matter how much I loved someone. Over to you...

Why do people say this?

Eventually, when it's not so full, she'll notice.

Hoarding is a terrible, terrible manifestation of mental health issues. Awful for everyone.

But I couldn’t live with it. And if she won’t respond to gentle approaches, I would have to take a tough love one. Either she seeks help and sorts the hideous state of the house out with your help, or she refuses and you go and the house would have to be sold.

I think if I had tolerated it this long I would snap. You could book a day off work covertly and remove boxes. What's the worst that can happen?

She will be furious I imagine but it's your house too. She may even be relieved.

15 year old hand me downs and toys are hardly a goldmine.

The suggestion to book a large skip is a good one. Have it for 1 week, and start to chuck stuff out. It doesn't matter whether she is involved or not, as she will see you are serious. You have a right to live in a home free of a hoard, as do your children. Get them to help you, and keep any conversations with her brisk and factual. She may well have a meltdown, but even if she removes stuff, there are three of you to ensure it all goes. Bottom line? She insists on keeping 10, 20, 80 boxes? Let her, but it has to stay outside on the drive/in the garden. And she has to deal with it. When she doesn't, repeat the whole process.

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, and it would cost money, but would it be worth renting out a storage unit with the agreement you go through a box or so each week? Sometimes it’s easily to break it down into little bits instead of looking at the big picture which she might find overwhelming? Also with the house clear you can even say ‘how nice is the house looking now?’ Maybe even suggest decorating it? With baby clothes/favourite clothes I know there’s sometimes the option to make blankets/memory quilts out of such items.

I agree that’s a terrible idea to throw stuff away behind her back. With the potential of this being a mental health issue, discovering something missing could tip her over the edge, especially on discovering her DH did it. It might make OP feel briefly better, but god help him when she finds out! Something of genuine sentimental value which is mixed up in there could accidentally get thrown away such as something from a passed away relative. Even though to everyone it might not look like things are in normal order, but to her it’ll be in some form of order and she’ll know as soon as stuff is missing/moved. The best way is to tackle this is together and not behind her back, she needs to be able to trust OP.

I too have experienced living with a hoarder, and we had to force the issue and clean the whole lot ourselves. It was horrible, and there was a lot of yelling, of whom nobody wanted, but it was done.

Here's the thing. It's not your wife you're battling, it's a godawful form of OCD that's taken her as a host, that's the best way I can describe it. SHE knows that it's a problem, and it's hidden somewhere underneath that hoard, but the OCD won't let you past it. The fact that you can't talk about it at ALL with her now, means you're at a tipping point. She's telling you it's off limits because she doesn't want it to be taken away, so not talking about it means you don't have the opportunity to try.

Unfortunately this means you are going to have to clear it out whether she likes it or not. It's affecting you mentally, probably physically in ways you might not be aware of yet, and the rest of your family. That's what you have to focus on now. Part of focusing on that means getting her the help she needs, because when you clear it all out, it will absolutely traumatise her.

Another thing, if you go down the route of doing it with her, asking what and what isn't being gotten rid of, it won't work. She will find a way of justifying it's permanent existence, as ludicrous as it might sound.

Is there ANY WAY you could get her to go away with you for a week or so, and send in professional organisers to deal with it? Or will she panic and realise what might be going on?

i totally agree with all of this . As a child of a hoarder , you can’t get rid behind her back . Hoarding is a MH issue and needs professional advice and counselling. And if you do get rid of stuff , other stuff will replace it. The clear house is only temporary. Believe me , I’ve been there.

I don’t have any tips about hoarding, however for people who find things difficult to give away, I’ve always found it easier to give things to friends for their children than selling them to someone I don’t know.

My 87 DM is a hoarder and she gives things away if she thinks they can be useful. I have a friend with chickens and another who makes jams and chutney. My DM will let me take empty jars and egg boxes . We have a wood burner and she’s happy for me to take old newspapers. Occasionally she’ll let me take clothes to the charity shop . So yes this can work .

Can you put all the boxes in storage? Get the house tidy & clean, then bring back a couple of boxes a month from the storage facility to go through and sell.

Your have an empty home
She keeps her boxes
You can sell/or not