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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ended things - 8 months pregnant

108 replies

Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 10:20

I ended things with him, I told him to leave. The last straw was last night when my daughter asked if she could have some of the sweets he bought and he said no because he bought them. She's 6. He's already like that with me but I can't let him be like that with my child. He called me a bitch and a tramp infront or my child. His sister threatened me. I'm eight months pregnant. How am I going to cope with another child alone? I'm at home. And I will be until the baby comes, I don't want to speak to any friends or family. I'm too embarrassed. My heart hurts. I love him but I can no longer do this anymore. Any advice on coping ? I want to message him and beg for him to come back but I won't. I can't believe I'm alone and going to have a second child now. It doesn't make any sense.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2023 10:24

Don’t message him but do message someone else. You don’t have any reason to be embarrassed, he’s the arsehole, not you. You’ll need and deserve practical and emotional support, please lean on anyone you trust.

Is DD his? Hopefully not and you won’t have to see him again.

What's your housing situation?

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 10:28

No my daughter isn't his. The baby is though. And I live in my house. Just me and my daughter. I'm worried because he told me he would buy everything for the baby. We have nothing. When I get paid at the end of the month, I will probably have to spend most of my wage getting everything. I'm on maternity leave. But pay isn't great at all. Very worried about finances

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2023 10:30

Do you have a local Facebook group? Mine is mostly people giving stuff away or selling it for not much. Worth a go. A lot of places have Baby Banks if you’re really struggling.

I really urge you to talk to friends or family about what’s going on.

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 10:32

Yes I have Facebook. Thank you. I will check. I'm just so embarrassed. I don't want to speak to anyone. My sister was going to come see me today, I've told her I'm unwell. I don't want to see her. I feel bad. My daughter said she felt scared last night when we was arguing before he left. I've failed her.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/01/2023 10:33

Him and his family sound horrible. Please don't beg him to come back.

It sounds like there may have been signs you previously ignored. He didn't go from Mr. Nice to refusing to give a kid sweets and then calling you a bitch in front of her.

DancingLedgend · 21/01/2023 10:35

Well, good for you.
You stood up for your daughter, and kicked him out, at a time that's not easy for you.
Bravo!
Yes, there will be challenges, but you will find a way.
The lifeboat people have a motto: "With Courage, nothing is impossible".
You have courage: you'll win through.

Opaljewel · 21/01/2023 10:35

You haven't failed her op. You'll only fail her if you let this scumbag back into your lives.

Try freecycle, boots free baby item scheme you can sign up for some things. Try facebook market place. Vinted for cheap baby clothing. You can do this!

Opaljewel · 21/01/2023 10:36

Also try some charity shops like sue ryder they have furniture stores sometimes.

Hallmark1234 · 21/01/2023 10:36

Please don't feel bad, you haven't failed her....you've stepped in to protect her. It will be hard, but you've nipped this in the (earlyish) bud, hopefully stopping what could've been several nightmare years for you and your DD.

His sister sounds a prize.....the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Yuk!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2023 10:36

You haven’t failed her by telling him to leave. Failing her would be expecting her to put up with more of his abusive behaviour.

See if your sister can come over tomorrow. Take today and get your head sorted as much as you can.

You don’t need much for a baby, you’ve had one and you know what they really need. Somewhere to sleep, some clothes, muslins, food from you or bottles. I wouldn’t panic about that side of things. You’ve got money coming in, that’s good. Make a list and tackle it when you can afford to and get looking on Facebook or free cycle.

Have the best day you can with your DD. Is her dad in the picture?

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 10:41

Yes there has been signs. He's very tight and doesn't contribute towards the house apart from rent. I'll buy shopping for most of the month but then when I say i don't have much left can he help out. He makes me feel like I'm begging him for money. He earns 3x as much as me. I'm a carer. It all started from yesterday. I've spent all my money on food for the house,gas, electric, bills, part of the rent. There's no food left in the house so he says we can do some food shopping and put £10 on the gas. Ok fine. We get in the supermarket and he's telling me I need to buy all oven food. Because he's not willing to spend a lot. He says he will be going out for dinner tomorrow with his family but i need to buy something frozen for my dinner. I said to him, how is that fair? I've taken care of you the whole month. And I don't complain, I'm not asking for a lobster dinner. Just atleast let me buy a pack of chicken so I can make something substantial for me and my daughter. He started arguing with me telling me, I'm selfish and I'm jealous he's going out for finde with his family. I said Im not. But atleast let me get something decent for dinner. He's made it out to his family Im jealous he's having dinner with them and not me. That's why his sister threatened me. In the end. He bought nothing, my mum borrowed me £20 and I will give it back to her when I get paid.

OP posts:
FantasticFeasts11 · 21/01/2023 10:47

Firstly you are not failing your DD, you would be if you’d let him stay.

he has showed you who he is, well down for listening and showing him the door. This would only get worse…

From a practical point of view. Can you contact your local children centre and let them know the situation? I am
sure they will have clothes and probably some nappies.

I’ve used Facebook Market place and vinted for lots of my baby thing. Make a practical list of what you defo need. And what you’d ‘like’ what you need immediately (somewhere for baby to sleep) and what you’ll need in time (eg high chair)

DancingLedgend · 21/01/2023 10:47

Ps. You have NOT failed your daughter, you've done the right thing by her.
When he showed his true colours, you put her first, and showed him the door.
Many of us might not have had the courage to do that whilst heavily pregnant.
So you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about.

Highfivemum · 21/01/2023 10:51

Take a deep breath and pat yourself on your back. Well done. So not look back whatever you do. You will get through this. Good luck.

23mum · 21/01/2023 10:53

You shouldn't be embarrassed for putting your daughter first, that's very admirable

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 21/01/2023 10:53

@Lindtcat
You haven't failed her at all you've done the right thing

Phone your health visitor and be really honest and they will help you - my friend is a health visitor and they help families out with bits and bobs. She collects stuff then makes nice bundles up for people who need them.

Please don't have him back him and his family sound awful and if they've threatened you phone the police and have it logged

BridgeoverTW · 21/01/2023 11:02

I'm so sorry about your situation. In terms of practical stuff for the baby please find your local baby bank. They will help you without judgement. There are lists here www.growbaby.org/directory and here littlevillagehq.org/uk-baby-banks/

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/01/2023 11:04

Did you post before? He sounded awful then so well done. Don't be ashamed you have done the best thing getting this dick away from your daughter.

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 11:16

Thanks for all the advice, this is my first time posting. I'm going to contact local children's centre. I don't have a health visitor yet. I'm
just going to try and focus on getting some things for the baby. I miss and love him but I can't do this anymore

OP posts:
OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 21/01/2023 11:20

Where abouts are you in the uk? X

Intrepidescape · 21/01/2023 11:31

Babies don’t need much.

Your baby just needs a safe place to sleep. You can buy brand new newborn bed very cheaply and a few sleep suits and blankets.

You can change the babies nappies on the end of a bed with a clean towel and a disposable mattress protector. That’s it. Eventually you will need crib. The only thing I used regularly was the changing table and bed. The clothes were so small I didn’t need a chest of drawers.

You need a pram but not straight away.

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 11:36

Im in London. I'm going to make a post on Facebook later on today and see what I can get, I'm sure I'll be able to get most things there. With the rest, I'll use my money. Thank you very much for the advice. I just can't believe I'm in this position again. My daughter doesn't see her own dad so no help from him with money for her either. So it's now all on me. For two kids. I love my baby but I so regret having him with this person.

OP posts:
Intrepidescape · 21/01/2023 11:36

Also, I wanted to add - your ex was never ever going to provide a safe sleeping environment for his child or provide clothes or a pram or changing table. You’re 8 months along and there’s no reason why this hasn’t been done already. If he was going to buy it he wouldn’t have been conscious of the cost of things and purchased in the after Christmas sales.

Your ex is stingy and mean and he was never ever going to provide for your baby. Get the paperwork ready so you can get child support as soon as your baby is born.

RiverSkater · 21/01/2023 11:41

You have been incredibly brave. I salute you, you are amazing. 💯

You can do this. Definitely get on all your local Facebook parenting sites and we what people are giving away or selling.

Where in London are you?

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 11:41

You're right. Do I have to put him on birth certificate in order to get child support ??

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