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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ended things - 8 months pregnant

108 replies

Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 10:20

I ended things with him, I told him to leave. The last straw was last night when my daughter asked if she could have some of the sweets he bought and he said no because he bought them. She's 6. He's already like that with me but I can't let him be like that with my child. He called me a bitch and a tramp infront or my child. His sister threatened me. I'm eight months pregnant. How am I going to cope with another child alone? I'm at home. And I will be until the baby comes, I don't want to speak to any friends or family. I'm too embarrassed. My heart hurts. I love him but I can no longer do this anymore. Any advice on coping ? I want to message him and beg for him to come back but I won't. I can't believe I'm alone and going to have a second child now. It doesn't make any sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 12:43

@KellyJs I guess it was just the last straw on top of everything that's happened. I'm definitely being reasonable. I know I was right to tell him to leave. But it's still hard

OP posts:
MissMarplesbag · 21/01/2023 12:45

Change the locks, don't put him on the birth certificate, give the baby your surname and make a claim to csa.

MissMarplesbag · 21/01/2023 12:45

Change the locks, don't put him on the birth certificate, give the baby your surname and make a claim to csa.

OhCobblers · 21/01/2023 12:51

MissMarplesbag · 21/01/2023 12:45

Change the locks, don't put him on the birth certificate, give the baby your surname and make a claim to csa.

Well worth mentioning again
Good luck OP

Don't let the arsehole back in your life. He moved in with you, barely paid for anything and was more than happy for a single mum to subsidise his life while earning so much more.
He's a complete piece of shit!

Whatsrheday · 21/01/2023 12:53

I was allowed to stay in hospital for a bit longer to recover when I was alone and pregnant so your midwife might be able to help arrange something similar

see if you can find a local childminder to help with your daughter in the long term who might be able to come and stay for a few days

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 21/01/2023 12:54

When you contact your landlord (local authority?) let them know that you did not feel safe with him on the tenancy - this might make it easier to get him removed. If its local authority or housing association they normally have a process specifically for vulnerable women.

Whatsrheday · 21/01/2023 12:56

littlevillagehq.org/get-help/

Maybe you are in the right north London borough for this?

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 12:59

Whatsrheday · 21/01/2023 12:56

littlevillagehq.org/get-help/

Maybe you are in the right north London borough for this?

Amazing. Yes I'm in the right boroughs. I'm going to call my DR on Monday to see if he can refer me. He's normally really good at listening to my worries so I'm sure he will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:02

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem will this mean social services will want to be involved? Don't want to do anything that's going to fall back on me. And stress me out even more. He's disrespectful and rude but I don't feel unsafe around him.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 21/01/2023 13:05

Claim universal credit. Do a journal note to say he has left and you are now responsible for all of the rent. Untidy tenancy it’s called.

Claim sure start maternity grant.

Do not put him on birth cert.

Claim maintenance

CornishTiger · 21/01/2023 13:07

What is the type of tenancy. Private or social?

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:12

Private but through the council. So I was getting housing benefit before he moved in. I stopped once he moved in. I'm not sure how it all works now.

OP posts:
lordloveadog · 21/01/2023 13:12

Well done!

Do tell your friends and family. All the people who actually care about you and your daughter will be glad you got rid of an abusive partner.

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:13

Can I get a grant for second child ??? I wasn't sure if I was able to apply again.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 21/01/2023 13:14

Also, anyone reading, never put a new partner on a social housing tenancy. You can name them as an occupant and they would be allowed to reside there after your death if they have lived there for 12 months.

However, once you put them on the tenancy, they automatically have as many rights as you do.

furthermore, if you have a partner who becomes a joint tenant who moves out and then get a new partner they cannot have the tenancy assigned to them even in the when you die.

CornishTiger · 21/01/2023 13:15

Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:13

Can I get a grant for second child ??? I wasn't sure if I was able to apply again.

Sorry I totally overlooked this. No sorry.

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:15

I feel so rubbish. I haven't eaten all day, I've just made my daughter some food. I've got no appetite. She's quiet today so assume after she eats she may want to nap again. Might try nap with her. She's let the cats in the bedroom and my youngest cat has just come and cuddled up with me in bed. Bless him.

OP posts:
HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 21/01/2023 13:16

Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:02

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem will this mean social services will want to be involved? Don't want to do anything that's going to fall back on me. And stress me out even more. He's disrespectful and rude but I don't feel unsafe around him.

I used to work for CAB but my knowledge is a bit out of date. We had a local "one stop shop" we used to refer women to where they could see a housing officer and solicitor etc - a woman would have to come to us and ask for help to get the details, I'm not saying that will definitely be available in your area but sounds like you need a round of advice on housing, benefits etc and maybe going to the CAB when your DD is at school would help?

CornishTiger · 21/01/2023 13:16

Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:12

Private but through the council. So I was getting housing benefit before he moved in. I stopped once he moved in. I'm not sure how it all works now.

Claim UC including housing element.

Need copy of your tenancy. Journal note to say it’s an untidy tenancy.

SuperDuperJezebel · 21/01/2023 13:20

Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 12:59

Amazing. Yes I'm in the right boroughs. I'm going to call my DR on Monday to see if he can refer me. He's normally really good at listening to my worries so I'm sure he will.

Show quote history

Hi @Lindtcat I was going to pm you a link to Little Village, but I see someone has already suggested it. I volunteer with them as family liaison and also in one of their hubs, so please do feel free to ask me any questions you might have. You can ask any professional who works with your family to refer you, here's the info littlevillagehq.org/get-help/ best of luck!

Whatsrheday · 21/01/2023 13:20

I lived on scrambled eggs - and bananas
Not in the same dish though!

Original poster
Lindtcat · 21/01/2023 13:22

Thank you all. I've written down all this in my notes. For Monday. I don't know where my nearest citizens advice bureau is. But I've called them in the past so I will give them a call. I don't think he will try to do anything to be honest. He might try to beg soon and ask for forgiveness but he won't turn up or anything. I've got some clothes here. Random things. Should I bin them or ask his mum to come and get them? She heard about the argument yesterday and messaged me to say she's sorry that I'm going through this and try not to stress. She's a nice lady. Always been pleasant to me. She offered to buy the baby's crib a couple of months ago. I never took her up on the offer so not sure if I should ask her again.

OP posts:
Fightingbackwithhappiness · 21/01/2023 13:22

You have done a very brave thing. Now you need to be strong to stick with it. Tell your family, I bet they will be supportive much more than you think. Even if not, keeping a secret this big is going to make you feel very ill. I can’t imagine what you are going through and you have my absolute respect for ditching him. You’ll get through and don’t be afraid to ask for help 💜

LittleLegoWoman · 21/01/2023 13:30

Message his mum about the clothes.
Tell her you’re worried about money but sorting out rent top up etc with Universal Credit. She may offer again about the crib.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/01/2023 13:34

Well done for being so brave!
Do tell friends and family what's happened. Those who love you will support you, and you will not feel alone
Definitely look at FB There are some fantastic bargains and you'll find everything you need on there
Tell your midwife and GP, you'll find more help than you realise so don't stress and keep your BP down
You'll be fine

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