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Original poster

My boyfriend wants his ex to stay round his new flat

106 replies

Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:27

My boyfriend of a year has a couple of friends who are ex’s. I’ve never been a fan of the idea but learnt to accept it. He’s getting a new nice flat and asked me if he should tell me who he invites over. And I thought that was a bizarre statement until he mentioned his ex coming to stay when she sees him. They sometimes meet in london and go out drinking and for dinner but I feel I need to draw the line at her coming for a sleepover. she’d sleep in a separate bed obviously but I don’t feel comfortable at all about this and I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion and thinks it would be silly and “odd” to make her pay for a hotel. I trust him but I just find it very disrespectful to me and he thinks I’m crazy for hating the idea so much. What would you do in that situation?

OP posts:
BunintheSlowCooker · 17/01/2023 13:31

That's a no from me.

Mirroredlove · 17/01/2023 13:31

He thinks you’re crazy….says it all doesn’t it.

Ex my arse, dump him!

DestinysGrandchild · 17/01/2023 13:32

He's mugging you off.

Pseudonamed · 17/01/2023 13:34

I would not be ok with this. It would be over for me if he went through with it.

yorkshirepudsx · 17/01/2023 13:37

No no no, 100% no.

I understand being friendly with an ex, as in, if you still have the same friends, then be nice with each other, but this is a big red flag to me.

I've only had one partner who was really close with his ex, I was young and foolish, they'd go out drinking and for food etc with each other, it annoyed me but I never said anything as he made out that I was a total lunatic when I first questioned it.
I found out that she was sleeping over at his house whenever they'd been out together, etc, and was told repeatedly "don't worry she sleeps in the spare bedroom".
I ended up leaving him and cutting all contact, just didn't have a good gut feeling about it. It came out a month later she was actually pregnant with his baby, they'd been sleeping together the whole time. She confessed everything to me😳

They're in fact still together now, 3 kids and a dog actually - she also plasters their whole personal life on Facebook and he cheats on her regularly & I'm so glad I left him when I did.

Treacletoots · 17/01/2023 13:38

Wise up OP. Of course he's still having sex with her. He's been easing you in gently with their previous meals out and now he's blatantly invited her over, almost bragging to you.

The comment about whether he should tell you as well is utterly bizarre. You've been dating a year. Of course he should let you know if he plans to shag his ex, sorry let her have a "sleepover"

He's playing you like a fiddle. Take off your rose tinted goggles and dump his ass.

IsItaCowIsItaPlane · 17/01/2023 13:39

Going against the grain here, but my husband regularly stays at his ex's house when he goes to see his daughter. I trust him and so it's not a problem.

knittingaddict · 17/01/2023 13:39

I agree about the "crazy" comment. Tells you all you need to know. He is prioritising an ex over you and doesn't respect you. I'm not sure it's worth fighting him on this as it shows fundementally who he is and probably best to call it a day.

Heyahun · 17/01/2023 13:42

Meh I stay at my exes house sometimes as he lives in Ireland where I’m from and if I’m back visiting my parents I sometimes meet him for drinks and then stay on his sofa as a taxi back to my mums is 70euro

my husband stays at his exes too regularly - this is because they have a child though and his son and ex also live in a different country

I don’t get the issue if you say you trust him - you obviously don’t

Oopsiedaisyy · 17/01/2023 13:42

My bf stays in the family house on occasion, and i trust him. It depends a lot on who dumped who too

minticecreamisjustok · 17/01/2023 13:43

A no from me, I'd be moving on from this relationship, that's far too cosy with an ex. I doubt you'll get an invite at the same time!

adhdmumoncoffee · 17/01/2023 13:44

How old are you/him? How long was he with them for? It's a huge no for me. I'd not be able to deal with that. Unless children were involved and that was a reason but still then, very fine line.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:46

She left him apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:46

I’m 25, he’s 30. And he dated her 6 months. But she left him.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFliessssss · 17/01/2023 13:53

It wouldn't bother me. I often crash at my ex's house and he'd be welcome to stay with me if I moved further away.

I wouldn't be very impressed if someone assumed that meant I was cheating. In fact, if they actually thought that, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them anymore. No point being with someone who doesn't trust me or take me at my word.

Flashingtealights · 17/01/2023 13:55

Perfectly put by pp, he is indeed mugging you off. He’s disrespecting you and your relationship by agreeing to have his ex stay over.
Are you invited to stay over the night she does ?
All this, along with him asking if he should tell you who he asks over. Sounds like he’s game playing, looking for a reaction.
Absolutely couldn’t be arsed with all that.

yorkshirepudsx · 17/01/2023 13:56

And there's people stating they'd be comfortable with it,
But everybody has their own boundaries and I think if something crosses said boundaries, especially something like this, it should be respected, you shouldn't be made to feel crazy for having your own limits OP xx

Mom2K · 17/01/2023 13:59

This may sound extreme to some but for me, I would have to give breaking up with him some serious consideration whether he follows through with an ex sleeping over or not. I don't think I would feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who would think that's fine. I bet he'd not be ok with any of your ex boyfriends staying the night at yours and I hate double standards. But even if that wouldn't bother him, the fact that he gives no consideration to your feelings and says your crazy would be it for me. You don't have to feel the same but how his actions impact his relationship with you should be more important to him than if an ex has to stay in a hotel.

Killingmytime · 17/01/2023 14:00

I have no problem with ex’s being friends, just don’t give me an issue.
this would be an issue.
I would expect my dp to also have a problem with it!

whoknew123 · 17/01/2023 14:04

Even if he 100% has the most noble of intentions it's a 100% no for me.

Alexandernevermind · 17/01/2023 14:06

When I was much younger I stayed best friends with one of my exes and we did sleep over platonically. Once a serious relationship came along, the "this is for keeps" one, the male best friend and sleepovers after piss ups became inappropriate and disrespectful. So to answer, whilst he isn't necessarily doing anything wrong, your fella having his ex over is inappropriate and disrespectful if he sees you as a serious relationship. Would he appreciate it the other way around?

Nad28 · 17/01/2023 14:09

At 25, you don’t need this shit in your life. Bin him off and move on.

FluffyFlower · 17/01/2023 14:10

Oh no. Anything can happen. 100%. Be firm, it is a no.

worstusernameeverx2 · 17/01/2023 14:14

Gaslighting 101

tbh I wouldnt even be happy with my boyf going to dinner with exes

fatherliamdeliverance · 17/01/2023 14:40

One of my closest friends is an ex. Completely 100% platonic. Zero unfinished business. I have introduced him to my bf, all fine. However I would not ask him round for nights drinking and sleeping over just us. Not because anything would happen between us. It wouldn't. But as you say, there's a line of what I would be comfortable with if it was the other way around and this would not be on the right side of it.

You're not crazy in the least. If he cares then he should be prioritising a serious relationship, not having an ex at the house overnight. You're not telling him who he can and can't see, it's a boundary since you're not comfortable.