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Original poster

My boyfriend wants his ex to stay round his new flat

106 replies

Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:27

My boyfriend of a year has a couple of friends who are ex’s. I’ve never been a fan of the idea but learnt to accept it. He’s getting a new nice flat and asked me if he should tell me who he invites over. And I thought that was a bizarre statement until he mentioned his ex coming to stay when she sees him. They sometimes meet in london and go out drinking and for dinner but I feel I need to draw the line at her coming for a sleepover. she’d sleep in a separate bed obviously but I don’t feel comfortable at all about this and I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion and thinks it would be silly and “odd” to make her pay for a hotel. I trust him but I just find it very disrespectful to me and he thinks I’m crazy for hating the idea so much. What would you do in that situation?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 10:02

Her thinks you're a spineless doormat. Has no respect for you.

Time for you to stop being a doormat.

Hanging out with exs one-on-one and drinking together is not alright. Fuck being the "cool girlfriend". It bothers you because it is shady and disrespectful. The sleepover would be the cherry on top...

LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 10:06

Anyone who thinks having an ex sleep over is totally fine is untrustworthy by definition. Good partners realise it's shady and disrespectful and don't put you in the difficult situation of being the bad guy by saying no. They don't even consider it as an option.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 10:13

Anyone who thinks having an ex sleep over is totally fine is untrustworthy by definition

No they're not. I've had an ex sleepover, and I'm completely trustworthy. Your generalisation is inaccurate. Lots of people are friends with exes and would have them as guests in their house. Lots of current partners don't mind a bit.

SunshineAndFizz · 18/01/2023 10:18

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 09:00

there are more people who don't hang out with their exes than those who do

I don't think you're trying to be arsey Smile

I do think you're presenting your experience as an overall statistic, and I wouldn't think it was true. People don't generally stay on friendship terms with all their exes, but many people have one or two exes they're good mates with. I don't think you know that the above quote is actually true, and your opinion isn't something to quote as a 'general' situation that advice can be based upon. What we know for sure is that many people are friends with their exes, and their current partner wouldn't have an issue if they stayed the night.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Completely understand your rationalisation, but using the same logic we can't accept your statement that "what we know for sure is that many people are friends with their exes" - that's based on your experience.

Either way, if the OP is uncomfortable then that's the main thing, he needs to respect her feelings.

Honeyroar · 18/01/2023 10:23

I was friends with one of my exes for years after we broke up. Nothing would ever have happened if I’d stayed there. Some of his girlfriends hated the fact that we were friends. They didn’t see the signs that he was occasionally cheating on them with other girls. And I was bollocking him for it. They didn’t seem to care that I was with my now husband and happy. One of them told me, in front of my husband, that I’d get back with my ex given the chance. I ended up walking away, they drove me nuts! I only see him occasionally nowadays, thankfully he’s not with any of the nutters!

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 11:35

what we know for sure is that many people are friends with their exes" - that's based on your experience

No, it isn't. You will have known one or two people with exes as friends as well, we all have. Unless you're saying that nobody is friends with their ex and is trustworthy your point falls and mine stands.

LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 11:50

what we know for sure is that many people are friends with their exes" - that's based on your experience

yeah, and a percentage of them will be acting inappropriately, toeing the line or downright cheating.

If there are no kids involved and you are not organically linked through work or family or whatever, why would you feel the need to not only stay in touch, but hang out one on one with an ex who was just a short lived relationship? They are not lifelong friends, they wouldn't have become part of your family, you don’t share pets or children. There is no good reason to keep them in your orbit unless you have unfinished business with them.

maddy68 · 18/01/2023 11:53

I am really good friends with an ex. As Is my daughter with hers. They are both regular visitors to our homes and us theirs. We both stay over when I those towns. Absolutely just friends.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 11:57

yeah, and a percentage of them will be acting inappropriately, toeing the line or downright cheating

You're proving my point, not yours. Of course there will be some cheats. But if it's a percentage, then there is the other whatever% that isn't doing those things. Who are legitimately friends with exes, who are trustworthy.

There is no good reason to keep them in your orbit unless you have unfinished business with them

Or because you get on well, but don't have a sexual interest in each other, having spent a bit of time getting to know each other.

Honestly, there are some narrow minded views here, insisting that their way of thinking is the only way. All kinds of people are out there doing all kinds of things, some of them nicely and some of them not. If you haven't seen it, it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 11:57

maddy68 · 18/01/2023 11:53

I am really good friends with an ex. As Is my daughter with hers. They are both regular visitors to our homes and us theirs. We both stay over when I those towns. Absolutely just friends.

Nope, you don't exist according to this thread. Nor do I Smile

BunchHarman · 18/01/2023 12:23

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 17/01/2023 13:53

It wouldn't bother me. I often crash at my ex's house and he'd be welcome to stay with me if I moved further away.

I wouldn't be very impressed if someone assumed that meant I was cheating. In fact, if they actually thought that, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them anymore. No point being with someone who doesn't trust me or take me at my word.

Your situation is pretty unusual. If in the early days my husband had demanded I push off and his ex girlfriend stay over at his flat, I’d have probably told him to fuck off.

JFDIYOLO · 18/01/2023 12:25

'Ex ...'

Yeah, right.

Eatentoomanyroses · 18/01/2023 12:25

Nope

Mirroredlove · 18/01/2023 12:49

Difference is between others who are friends with ex’s and this ex, I imagine is the time frame. 6 months is nothing, there is no history there, question then is why does a ex girlfriend, someone he hardly knows is more important for him to not let down over a girlfriend of a year.

Sounds like he wants her back but his keeping you as a backup incase she says no being as she dumped him once before.

Thelnebriati · 18/01/2023 12:49

For me the biggest red flag is being called crazy for expressing a reservation. That's controlling behaviour designed to shut you up, don't fall for it. I bet all of his exes were cool girlfriends; they are still his exes.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 12:54

If in the early days my husband had demanded I push off and his ex girlfriend stay over at his flat

He hasn't asked her to push off.

LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 12:57

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 12:54

If in the early days my husband had demanded I push off and his ex girlfriend stay over at his flat

He hasn't asked her to push off.

No, but he's told her her boundaries are silly and odd:

I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion and thinks it would be silly and “odd” to make her pay for a hotel

do you find that reaction acceptable? No red flags here at all?

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 13:02

LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 12:57

No, but he's told her her boundaries are silly and odd:

I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion and thinks it would be silly and “odd” to make her pay for a hotel

do you find that reaction acceptable? No red flags here at all?

Show quote history

He's saying he sees it differently from her, and that asking someone to stay in a hotel when you have a spare room is silly and odd. He's not saying she is silly or odd. If there's genuinely nothing going on with him and the ex, I can see why he'd say that. She's trying to control who can and can't stay at his house. That's not her decision to make, it's his. It's up to her to decide if she wants to accept it, not to decide whether to change it. From his perspective, if he's expecting to be in a trusting relationship, OP's behaviour is the red flag. She doesn't trust him. Whether he's guilty or not, from her point of view, it's game over.

LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 13:05

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 13:02

He's saying he sees it differently from her, and that asking someone to stay in a hotel when you have a spare room is silly and odd. He's not saying she is silly or odd. If there's genuinely nothing going on with him and the ex, I can see why he'd say that. She's trying to control who can and can't stay at his house. That's not her decision to make, it's his. It's up to her to decide if she wants to accept it, not to decide whether to change it. From his perspective, if he's expecting to be in a trusting relationship, OP's behaviour is the red flag. She doesn't trust him. Whether he's guilty or not, from her point of view, it's game over.

Show quote history

That's an interpretation that's being very generous to him.

If your partner tells you they feel uncomfortable with something you are doing, which happens to be a boundary that many people reasonably hold, and you go "nah, your boundary is silly, I'll do it regardless" well... not very kind or loving is it?

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 13:10

There's nothing wrong with being generous. It's better than assuming that everything that might be suspicious is because someone is a lying scheming cheat.

It is perfectly possible that he's entirely innocent here, and uncomfortable because he thought his partner trusted him. All the judgment on this thread is based in the knowledge that he's guilty. Knowledge that we don't actually have.

DoggyDwelling · 18/01/2023 13:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Redebs · 18/01/2023 13:21

People saying that it's ok and you can trust him because he told you about it are very wrong.
Some men (and women) are excited by being unfaithful openly; they get a real kick out of cheating on their current partner. They love the attention and flatter themselves that more than one person wants to have sex with them.
Move on OP.
His attitude is threatening your physical and mental health. Nobody needs doubts and potentially STDs from a selfish arse of a partner like him!

NalaNana · 18/01/2023 13:25

I'm good friends with my ex but I would never invite them to stay at my house. It isn't even a conversation I would have with my partner.

It looks like you haven't set clear boundaries with your boyfriend about what is comfortable for you and what isn't. Why don't you ask to join them for dinner and drinks? If they're genuinely just friends there's no reason you couldn't hang out with them!

SunshineAndFizz · 18/01/2023 16:15

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 11:35

what we know for sure is that many people are friends with their exes" - that's based on your experience

No, it isn't. You will have known one or two people with exes as friends as well, we all have. Unless you're saying that nobody is friends with their ex and is trustworthy your point falls and mine stands.

Again, to use your logic you can't assume we've all had the same experiences as you. None of my friendship groups (school, uni, work etc.) actively stay friends with their exes. And by that I mean, phone/text/physically meet up. Yes plenty are polite to their exes and would say hi if they bumped into them, or are still connected on social media.

Of course I understand some people are friends, and I'm not judging those people or assuming anyones a cheat, but I can't concede that it's the norm and everyone does it.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 16:41

but I can't concede that it's the norm and everyone does it

Nobody needs you to. I'm accepting that things outside of my reality may be common place. The wise thing to do for all of us is to accept that that might be the case. Nobody is saying everyone does it. I'm saying it exists, and may be the case with OP's partner, and if you disagree because not everyone does that, that's your gubbins.