Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend wants his ex to stay round his new flat

106 replies

Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:27

My boyfriend of a year has a couple of friends who are ex’s. I’ve never been a fan of the idea but learnt to accept it. He’s getting a new nice flat and asked me if he should tell me who he invites over. And I thought that was a bizarre statement until he mentioned his ex coming to stay when she sees him. They sometimes meet in london and go out drinking and for dinner but I feel I need to draw the line at her coming for a sleepover. she’d sleep in a separate bed obviously but I don’t feel comfortable at all about this and I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion and thinks it would be silly and “odd” to make her pay for a hotel. I trust him but I just find it very disrespectful to me and he thinks I’m crazy for hating the idea so much. What would you do in that situation?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 18/01/2023 07:32

I don’t know why anyone would stay friends with an ex of six months, and definitely not to the point of evenings out and sleepover, why wouldn’t you both move on. Sounds like unfinished business.

EyesOnThePies · 18/01/2023 07:40

I have often stayed at exes and exes at mine, and no shenanigans at all.

But then we have all tended to be friendly together. Have you met this ex? Does he say ‘let’s all meet up?’ ?

Livinghappy · 18/01/2023 08:12

Op, you are not unreasonable - you feel uncomfortable and you should trust your feelings on this.

Similar happened to me and I realised he enjoyed the attention of having Ex's around and enjoying my discomfort and it kept me on my toes. Calling you crazy is a red flag..as he is invalidating your feelings. No one needs to settle for this. Keep your boundaries in place.

Perplexin · 18/01/2023 08:28

I think most people don't find issue with the whole ex's being friends part. Lots of people are friends with their ex's for a variety of reasons.

However, staying at one another's houses after spending an evening together drinking, getting food e.t.c sounds really off to me (sounds a bit too much like a date personally).

Plenty of others might be able to do it, but if that is your boundary and you find it uncomfortable, then you are allowed to express how it makes you feel and your feelings should be taken into consideration if this relationship is important to him. It doesn't make you crazy and you should definitely not be made to feel that way.

LilMissNurse1 · 18/01/2023 08:33

Invite one of your ex’s over to sleep on the sofa, see what his reaction is the other way round 🤷🏼‍♀️

He’s ignoring your feelings, that’s the main issue here. You’re not comfortable with it so he should acknowledge that, perhaps he could have you to stay over when they are too or compromise that nights out and drinks are ok, sleep overs are not ok. I don’t know why but it sounds suspicious to me, you’re young, if you’re not happy with things move on and find someone who does care and listen to you xx life is to short (I’m a hospice nurse) to live it with someone who doesn’t respect you.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 08:37

However, staying at one another's houses after spending an evening together drinking, getting food e.t.c sounds really off to me (sounds a bit too much like a date personally

What do you do with friends who come to visit you from out of town? Insist they stay in a hotel in case your partner thinks your dinner out and them sleeping in the spare room is 'too much like a date'?

This is about whether OP trusts her partner when he says he and his ex are now just friends. If she trusts him, no issue. If she doesn't trust him, game over.

BarrelOfOtters · 18/01/2023 08:46

It’s all context isn’t it. Been married 15 years and due to one of the kids being ambulanced to a distant hospital in an emergency Dh and his ex wife had to share a hotel room double bed. Trust them both completely, know her well, and was on the phone trying t9 arrange the travel.

if she stayed here in our house when I was away for some reason I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

when I was in my 20s my 20ish boyfriend had his ‘ex’ to stay…was she his ex my arse. At it like rabbits. Untrustworthy little sod.

SunshineAndFizz · 18/01/2023 08:49

Hats off to all those who have managed to be platonic friends with their exes, however the vast majority of us aren't. It's hard to switch emotions like that off.

Don't let him pressure you into being 'the cool girlfriend' who's not bothered when you really are. It's about him respecting your boundaries.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 08:50

Hats off to all those who have managed to be platonic friends with their exes, however the vast majority of us aren't

Do you know this or is it a guess based on your own experiences and those of the people you know, @SunshineAndFizz ?

Pr1mr0se · 18/01/2023 08:53

Contrary to a lot of comments on here I think he is being honest by having this conversation up front with you. He could just go ahead and not tell you. Have a proper conversation about it and express your concerns and agree on some boundaries that you are both happy with.

A good relationship depends on trust. It sounds like you don't trust him.

SunshineAndFizz · 18/01/2023 08:55

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 08:50

Hats off to all those who have managed to be platonic friends with their exes, however the vast majority of us aren't

Do you know this or is it a guess based on your own experiences and those of the people you know, @SunshineAndFizz ?

Of all my friends and family, work colleagues, etc I don't know anyone who sleeps over at their exes house.

I'm not trying to be arsey - genuinely hats off to those who are still friends - some great examples above (especially those with kids), but yes generally speaking, there are more people who don't hang out with their exes than those who do.

Username98765432 · 18/01/2023 08:57

I think it depends on quite a few factors. Including being able to talk about it together, and never do anything that makes the other feel uncomfortable.

my main one would be if I had met the ex a few times and seen them interact - it’s usually fairly easy to see if there is still something there. without that I’d probably be very uncomfortable. I’ve not been wrong yet on who has subsequently tried it on with DP. (He had obviously distanced himself once he realised too).. others I’ve no issue with and he has stayed with them and I’ve no issue.

Only you can know if it’s a hard line.

Herja · 18/01/2023 08:57

6 months and he got dumped? He's not over her.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 09:00

there are more people who don't hang out with their exes than those who do

I don't think you're trying to be arsey Smile

I do think you're presenting your experience as an overall statistic, and I wouldn't think it was true. People don't generally stay on friendship terms with all their exes, but many people have one or two exes they're good mates with. I don't think you know that the above quote is actually true, and your opinion isn't something to quote as a 'general' situation that advice can be based upon. What we know for sure is that many people are friends with their exes, and their current partner wouldn't have an issue if they stayed the night.

BridieConvert · 18/01/2023 09:01

Absolutely not

Judgyjudgy · 18/01/2023 09:10

I'd be more paranoid about a new friend rather than an ex. She's an ex for a reason. I have lots of male friends who are just friends so it probably wouldn't bother me. I think it's irrelevant anyway though, as if you're uncomfortable about it then you should let him know

mewkins · 18/01/2023 09:11

Aprilx · 18/01/2023 07:32

I don’t know why anyone would stay friends with an ex of six months, and definitely not to the point of evenings out and sleepover, why wouldn’t you both move on. Sounds like unfinished business.

I think this is the thing. An ex who has been around for years is almost like family then that's one thing. And presumably they would want to meet you too. An ex who was with them for six months and then they still have this friendship with sleepovers? I think it's time to let that go. It sounds like he wants the attention and/or to keep her on the back-burner. It would make me think twice about him.

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 18/01/2023 09:12

Tell him you're totally cool with it because by coincidence, your ex has asked if he can stay over at yours that same weekend! What are the chances?

See how he likes that.

Watchkeys · 18/01/2023 09:19

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 18/01/2023 09:12

Tell him you're totally cool with it because by coincidence, your ex has asked if he can stay over at yours that same weekend! What are the chances?

See how he likes that.

Presume this is a joke.

If a relationship has to stoop to games like this, it's over.

mug2018 · 18/01/2023 09:24

Just tell him that it would be nice for you to catch up with her too and you'll come over to stay too while she's there .. his reaction to this will tell you all you need to know

IfOnlyTheyMeantIt · 18/01/2023 09:24

It wouldn't bother me.

But if it bothers you, and he knows it does, then that's a problem.

Not that the ex is staying but that he's doing something he knows upsets you.

Pseudonamed · 18/01/2023 09:25

Herja · 18/01/2023 08:57

6 months and he got dumped? He's not over her.

Trying to get under her though.

mewkins · 18/01/2023 09:34

Pseudonamed · 18/01/2023 09:25

Trying to get under her though.

Show quote history
Grin
BridieConvert · 18/01/2023 09:54

Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:46

I’m 25, he’s 30. And he dated her 6 months. But she left him.

Sounds like unfinished business to me.
Only 6 months and they're super close friends? I don't buy it, someone is harbouring feelings for their ex and I don't know which it is

mycatsanutter · 18/01/2023 09:55

So it's not like they have years of history , they were together 6 months ! That's a no from me . I went out with someone once who I suspected was still hung up on his ex , saw a message on his phone he had sent her - ' fancy a shag , sorry I meant fag😂' that told me exactly what he got up to whilst I was at work !

Swipe left for the next trending thread