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Original poster

My boyfriend wants his ex to stay round his new flat

106 replies

Foodx123 · 17/01/2023 13:27

My boyfriend of a year has a couple of friends who are ex’s. I’ve never been a fan of the idea but learnt to accept it. He’s getting a new nice flat and asked me if he should tell me who he invites over. And I thought that was a bizarre statement until he mentioned his ex coming to stay when she sees him. They sometimes meet in london and go out drinking and for dinner but I feel I need to draw the line at her coming for a sleepover. she’d sleep in a separate bed obviously but I don’t feel comfortable at all about this and I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion and thinks it would be silly and “odd” to make her pay for a hotel. I trust him but I just find it very disrespectful to me and he thinks I’m crazy for hating the idea so much. What would you do in that situation?

OP posts:
Liorae · 17/01/2023 14:53

You clearly don't trust him, so it's best to split up.

spinachmonster · 17/01/2023 15:20

@fatherliamdeliverance

"You're not crazy in the least. If he cares then he should be prioritising a serious relationship, not having an ex at the house overnight. You're not telling him who he can and can't see, it's a boundary since you're not comfortable."

Exactly this.

ICanHideButICantRun · 17/01/2023 15:21

I would just withdraw from the relationship. Any guy who thought that was OK wouldn't be someone I'd want to date.

ittakes2 · 17/01/2023 15:47

Honestly I think if he wanted to cheat he would lie about it.

MissBattleaxe · 17/01/2023 15:48

Life's too short for stuff like this. I'd tell him he can have whoever he likes to stay as you're not his girlfriend any more. He's just feeding his ego and whether anything happens or not, it sends the wrong signals to both you and the ex.

Dery · 17/01/2023 16:03

I wouldn’t be happy with overnights either in the circumstances you describe. The fact they only dated for 6 months makes this even stranger - perhaps they have been friends for years but, if not, why is he so keen to maintain this relationship?

The real point though is that he’s putting his desire for cosy sleepovers with an ex who finished with him over your reasonable objections and belittling your feelings about it. You’re not crazy. Indeed I think he recognises your objections are reasonable - hence his response of belittling you.

I would expect better from
a 30 yo. I don’t think this is the man for you - you don’t need this crap.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 17/01/2023 16:17

It's him saying you're crazy for hating the idea that makes me feel very uncomfortable and as if something more is going on. It sounds like gas lighting to me. I think a genuine guy would have little problem understanding that It's an arrangement that's likely to make you uncomfortable and want to reassure you. Calling you crazy sounds defensive on his part.

Watchkeys · 17/01/2023 16:19

Lots of people are friends with their exes. Staying over doesn't mean they're sleeping together at all, despite some pp's insistence that it does. We've even got people on the thread who stay with their exes. I would be unimpressed if my partner didn't trust me to stay with someone overnight, even if they were an ex.

The issue isn't him having an ex staying over, it's you not trusting him. Whether he's trustworthy or not, that means that your relationship cannot proceed in a healthy way. You need to either trust him or leave him. Telling him what he can and can't do isn't really an option, because unless he's breaking the law, he is entitled to make his own decisions. Even if they hurt you. It's up to you to decide whether you'll put up with it or not.

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2023 16:33

That would bother me, so that would be a no from me. It's werid and wrong. See what he says, when you say the same thing.

Watchkeys · 17/01/2023 17:00

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2023 16:33

That would bother me, so that would be a no from me. It's werid and wrong. See what he says, when you say the same thing.

It's not 'wrong'. There are no rules. It's not weird. Many people have exes to stay. Many people have exes as friends. People are stating their own preferences as 'rules', here, or guidelines. I'd be fine with my partner having an ex to stay, because we trust each other. So what you're saying is 'It's wrong if you don't trust each other', and that reveals a bigger problem than the ex situation.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 17/01/2023 17:42

Watchkeys · 17/01/2023 17:00

It's not 'wrong'. There are no rules. It's not weird. Many people have exes to stay. Many people have exes as friends. People are stating their own preferences as 'rules', here, or guidelines. I'd be fine with my partner having an ex to stay, because we trust each other. So what you're saying is 'It's wrong if you don't trust each other', and that reveals a bigger problem than the ex situation.

Show quote history

I agree. It's not categorically wrong. It's a preference and one I'm not convinced comes from a healthy place.

Personally, I don't think anyone should be making decisions in relationships along the lines of if 'I ban this, they won't cheat'. If someone is going to cheat on you, they will regardless of what you tell them is verboten.

And really, who wants to be with a partner who has to be given instructions to stop them from sleeping with someone else? Just get rid, if it's come to that.

Usergjdksndjsn · 17/01/2023 17:45

as someone who has lots of exes as friends. This is still a no.

senua · 17/01/2023 17:49

Listen to your instincts, OP.

Onesipmore · 17/01/2023 17:53

I'm sure he wouldn't be delighted if the boot were on the other foot. Would he like an ex boyfriend coming to stay with you? Its a no from me.

f4567 · 17/01/2023 18:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Watchkeys · 17/01/2023 18:26

Onesipmore · 17/01/2023 17:53

I'm sure he wouldn't be delighted if the boot were on the other foot. Would he like an ex boyfriend coming to stay with you? Its a no from me.

Why would you be sure? Lots of people are fine with this sort of thing. Do you know him, or are you just speculating with no actual idea?

Rockingchai · 17/01/2023 19:02

I have one of my exes stay over at times in a different room. He lives a long distance away. We enjoy going out dancing etc. Our relationship was 20 years ago. Completely platonic. I would have a massive problem with my current boyfriend (live separately) objecting to this. His girlfriend is also fine with it. Ex partners do sometimes turn into important platonic friends with ZERO chance of anything inappropriate occurring.

DatingDinosaur · 17/01/2023 19:31

“He’s getting a new nice flat and asked me if he should tell me who he invites over.”

“They sometimes meet in london and go out drinking and for dinner”

Big fat no to all of that from me.
Ex? My arse.

Do you go with him to London for drinks and dinner with them?

Will you be there at his new place when she stays over?

Has he asked you if you’d like to?

Does she know about you (other than him telling you she does)? Has she met you?

“ I’ve said how I feel but he doesn’t agree with my opinion”
“and he thinks I’m crazy for hating the idea ”

Who is he to tell you you’re crazy for not liking it?
When did he get to decide how you should or shouldn’t feel and for what reason? Why hasn’t he tried to put your mind at ease instead if his conscience is so clear?

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 19:51

I'd just dump him to be honest. I couldn't be dealing with a man who thought that was appropriate or acceptable.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2023 19:56

Leave him to it

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/01/2023 20:03

Hard no

Emmamoo89 · 17/01/2023 20:03

Get rid of him.

WeeOrcadian · 17/01/2023 20:03

25 is too young to be putting up with this shittery

Throw him back, you can do better

dianekeatonsocks · 18/01/2023 07:21

nope

Hiddenvoice · 18/01/2023 07:23

I’m good friends with one of my exes and have met for lunch/ dinner/ nights out etc but I’d probably not choose to stay at his house, especially if he had a gf as I’d feel like I was crossing the line.
It’s great he’s remained friends with them and you’re not stopping that friendship and meeting up so explain that to him but the sleepover is too much. Ask how he would feel if you slept over at an exes house?

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