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Original poster

I am only attracted to broken men

133 replies

FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 17:58

It's me, I'm the problem in all my relationships. I am attracted to broken men, who have the same or similar childhood wounds as me, who remind me of my sad and angry dad. I'm 35. I've had countless amounts of therapy, I've been in numerous abusive relationships. After a year or so on my own and building my life up I've dipped a toe into online dating and I only fancy the fucked up ones. Least this time around I am not entertaining it..but I'm definitely the problem.

How weird am I to be attracted to men with childhood issues similar to mine. It's like I've got a radar for them. Decent men msg me and I just go YUK, ex cocaine user who has no contact with his kid I go YUM.

What more is there that I can do? Stay by myself forever!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 18:00

Oh and I'm not particularly codependent, I have a great professional job, plenty of friends, lovely home etc. I pulled myself up from foster care, yet I'm still attracted to others who were just like me 20 years ago but haven't sorted their shit! It's so frustrating!

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 15/01/2023 18:02

That's the essence of codependency

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 18:07

It's normal to be attracted to what is familiar a repeat the patterns of your parents & childhood.

ShakespearesBlister · 15/01/2023 18:13

It's not unusual to be attracted to men who remind us of our fathers, damaged or not. But once you realise you are gravitating toward certain men it becomes easier to recognise and avoid. I used to find myself being attracted to a certain type of man that was never going to bring me happiness but once I was able to understand why it happened I found it easier to make a conscious decision not to get involved with them. Remember some people never become enlightened and spend their entire life repeating the same mistake. It's hard but you are already on the path to making better choices now that you can recognise it.

Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 18:13

I wouldn't say I fit being codependent. I have never stayed with a man once he's started treating me badly, I've never put up and shut up. I've always left. I have done long periods on my own happily single. I've done so (I can't stress this enough) so much work on my parents, my childhood traumas, my inner child etc, I have a lovely life with hobbies, friends and family. But I'm only attracted to the fuck ups, it's like I want to be the one they trust and then they'll love me forever.

My dad used to sit and cry to me about his issues, I always wanted to look after him and then he fucked off and I went into care. I know I'm continuing to repeat the cycle but how can I stop it. How much more therapy can I do to stop myself being attracted to sad and angry men.

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Idontknowhatnametochoose · 15/01/2023 18:20

It sounds like you're a rescuer on a subconscious level. Even though you've had therapy and maybe come to terms with your background, part of you is drawn to wanting to rescue/fix broken men who are suffering like you were.

Also, you're 'used' to drama on a chemical level, so a nice guy may seem too boring and unrelatable.

It's good you've got the self awareness to see who you're drawn to. Plenty of people haven't and just act out their childhoods. Is going back to therapy an option to work through this desire to be with broken men and understand it? And/or else maybe try to go against the unconscious pull of your brain and try out a guy who seems nice and take it from there.

You may have more work to do though. In fact almost certainly. I used to be attracted to damaged men who were emotionally abusive but it wasn't until I changed on a very fundamental level and realised my worth that I became happy with myself and more attracted to someone who didn't want drama, just a good companionship.

I think sometimes people who have been through ships of their own are more appealing because there's that deeper damaged level you can relate to but over time when you work on yourself you realise everyone has depth and you don't need the drama with it because you've reached a place in yourself which is at peace..

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 15/01/2023 18:23

I think it's the desire to fix your father that is hurting you and needs further unpicking in therapy. Once you have dealt with it, you honestly won't have the need to fix other men any more.

November657 · 15/01/2023 18:34

I can completely relate to this, I’m in a similar boat. I see the red flags and know I should avoid but I feel that familiar pull. The problem is I know it won’t go anywhere and will only end in a toxic relationship at best. It’s like as soon as I encounter them I feel the sadness and it feels like home. I want to fix them and give them that love, but they don’t have the capacity to accept it.

Tbh it’s really getting me down now as I want to have a healthy successful relationship and have a family. I’m self aware enough now to understand the why’s and how’s of what I’m doing…but awareness doesn’t change how I feel. I feel like my own inability to change is gonna leave me just lonely or getting hurt over and over again.

emptythelitterbox · 15/01/2023 18:44

It's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy to insist you're only attracted to damaged men.

It's a matter of reprogramming that.
Hang around as many undamaged people as you can.

Do you have your values and boundaries written down?

Keep reminding yourself what you deserve and that you're worthy.

When you find a man that seems normal, go out with him. It doesn't have to be some huge romance but have a normal conversation and find one interesting thing about him. Sure it may feel weird at first but after more dates with different guys, it will begin to feel ok and normal you.

Dating fucked up broke men isn't really all that exciting when it comes down to it. They are pretty much all the same and have the depth of a raindrop. Once you meet some regular guys, they are more interesting.

Use 2023 as the year to experiment getting using to regular guys.

Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 18:49

I'm bored of therapy and I'm bored of wanting broken men to day dream over and have butterflies for. It's boring/but not boring. I could refer back to therapy (work benefit is 12 sessions of counselling each year). I do know I have more work to do. Stable men make me want to run away screaming 😂 it could be a self-worth thing, I think it's more an intimacy thing. Like I can only share myself with a person who has the same wounds/or maybe it's me seeking my dad over and over. So annoying that I've had therapy on and off for about a decade now and I'm still not okay 🤬

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/01/2023 18:57

Have you ever looked into Al-Anon? It's for the families of addicts.

(I'm assuming your dad was an addict, apologies if not.)

stregadelcucito · 15/01/2023 18:57

Fake it till you make it? Next time a nice guy messages, try saying yes if he asks you on a date? perhaps you need to change the narrative by actually collecting some data that tells your brain 'nice guy = good fun, nice time etc'

I mean, I need to take this advice myself, I'm practising being attracted to nice guys instead of my usual type...

November657 · 15/01/2023 18:58

I wish I had answers!

I find that the therapy and self awareness still leaves me with questions and sadness. Instead of asking why this broken man cannot love me back the way I deserve (like I would have in the past) I just ask myself, whyyyyy did I do this again when I KNEW the outcome. I ignore the red flags because it’s just so exciting.

Sometimes I feel like their messiness makes me feel like my own issues and messiness are so minor and they won’t focus on them. The truth is that they’re so self absorbed most of the time they don’t even notice anything you’ve got going on.

Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 19:00

hang around as many undamaged people as you can - all my friends are a bit damaged one way or the other. I don't feel like I fit in around people who aren't damaged. I put a good front on in work/in professional settings, but the real me outside of work gets on with the damaged.

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Alcemeg · 15/01/2023 19:00

If "having butterflies" is how you define attraction, then you'll probably never be attracted to someone stable. That "butterflies" thrill is just another way of describing an anxious feeling of chaotic instability. Once you stop seeing that as desirable, it's much sexier feeling safe and understood.

PoIIyPandemonium · 15/01/2023 19:02

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NutellaEllaElla · 15/01/2023 19:03

You don't have to be single forever, but learn to steer away from men you have chemistry with because it's giving you a bum steer! Give men a chance to show you that they can be part of the kind of relationship you want. Fuck the butterflies. Happiness is more than that.

November657 · 15/01/2023 19:03

What steps did you do to retrain your brain into what felt exciting?

NutellaEllaElla · 15/01/2023 19:05

And therapy isn't meant to 'fix' you, but help you become aware of your pitfalls so that you can consciously change them. It's not going to happen naturally, you have to force it at first.

Alcemeg · 15/01/2023 19:13

November657 · 15/01/2023 19:03

What steps did you do to retrain your brain into what felt exciting?

I'm not sure who this question was aimed at, but for me personally I just fucked up so many times with the wrong blokes that I just got sick to death of it all. Took a few years out from dating. Learned to enjoy my own company and found myself rejoicing that there was no one around to fuck it all up for me. Then met someone so amazing that it was worth including them in my life.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/01/2023 19:16

Have you tried internal family systems therapy? It's really good for accessing subconscious parts of you that are behaving in opposite ways to what you logically think is best.

LemonDrizzles · 15/01/2023 19:25

When you say yuk, say yes.
When you say yum, say no.

Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 19:33

My dad wasn't an addict. He was horrifically sexually abused as a tween/teen. He was such a great dad when he was okay, but he was always emotionally distant. He was sectioned a few times in my childhood, and his depression made him sad and angry. He feels a LOT of guilt over the abuse in his childhood and feels a LOT of guilt about how he abandoned me, but buries his head in his anger and sadness.

He was in and out my life in my twenties. Now I don't expect anything from him and just randomly text him now and again to check in with him. Sometimes he replies, and sometimes he doesn't. He's a deeply traumatised man who lives in his head. He's had counselling and MH support, but some things you will never get over. He's a shell of who he was when I was a young child.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 19:36

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/01/2023 19:16

Have you tried internal family systems therapy? It's really good for accessing subconscious parts of you that are behaving in opposite ways to what you logically think is best.

No I haven't. I have done NLP which is very much in the subconscious and worked really well.

They all work well, until a sexy damaged man pretending to not be damamaged comes my way. My radar picks it up though 😂

I have tried dates with normal men, they don't seem to like me. My life over the years has been too chaotic and I think it puts them off.

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Original poster
FeathersSpitting · 15/01/2023 19:38

butterflies I'm using the app so I can't @ people as I can't see who I'm @ pping.

I know butterflies aren't supposed to be good.

However, how do you fancy a person without them! Surely they just feel like a friend!

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