I am only attracted to broken men

[FeathersSpitting]

It's me, I'm the problem in all my relationships. I am attracted to broken men, who have the same or similar childhood wounds as me, who remind me of my sad and angry dad. I'm 35. I've had countless amounts of therapy, I've been in numerous abusive relationships. After a year or so on my own and building my life up I've dipped a toe into online dating and I only fancy the fucked up ones. Least this time around I am not entertaining it..but I'm definitely the problem.

How weird am I to be attracted to men with childhood issues similar to mine. It's like I've got a radar for them. Decent men msg me and I just go YUK, ex cocaine user who has no contact with his kid I go YUM.

What more is there that I can do? Stay by myself forever!

Speak for yourself.

Not everyone needs a fucked up relationship to have hot sex!

It's not hot but dysfunctional.

actually, it feels terrible because there is so much projection of emotions, triggers and expectations.

Watchkeys, I don't WANT a relationship that's fucked up, nobody in their right mind wants that, and I don't see myself as fucked up, but I must be because I always end up in these types of relationships, and there's an elopement if them that fills some need, though I'm not sure what that is.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack this thread, I really wish the OP well and hope you get sorted. You seem really self aware, which is a great start x

@Tiny2018 you highjack away I don't mind.

And yes watchkeys, if we could get a grip and be in healthy relationships we would do!

@JamieNorthlife

Out of everything, routine, music, exercise and friends helped me the most. Laughing is the best therapy!

Tiny2018

i don’t think your hijacking
its an interesting conversation
I’d gently ask why you call yourself ‘fucked up’

you don’t have to answer me
sometimes I feel like I am too
bit I don’t think it’s a kind way to refer to myself

Noooooo!! The reason the sex is hot in a toxic relationship is because it is a moment of feeling loved & connected, all the problems and walking on eggshells are temporarily on the back burner. After the abuse and poor treatment, it makes it easy to cling to any shred of positivity.

I have had a lot of hot sex in my life and been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist who made me feel like a shadow of my former self. I am now in a stable relationship with a lovely normal guy and the sex is out of this world.

Thisisworsethanabticipated

It's hard to explain. I don't think I am, i function pretty well, job wise, parent wise, friendship wise etc, I rarely doubt myself on these parts of life. But my relationship history, very clearly shows that there's something not firing right when it comes to relationships.

I'm loyal and attentive to my partners, but every single one has treated me badly in one way or another, whether it be cheating, abuse, lying. Up until this point, I literally give my all, I am incredibly supportive and their cheerleader.

A few friends have asked what I've seen in one in particular and felt that he was a bad egg, when I asked what made them think that, they said it was just a sense, an energy, a gut feeling.

That feeling for me, for whatever reason does not feel bad, it feels exciting. It feels like a click, as though I am literally clicking with the man I am supposed to be with, and for the first few months, it is amazing, they seem to adore me, and it always ends up crashing down when I find out they've been disloyal or deceitful or whatever.

As I mentioned upthreald, the last one was about as broken as they come. I won't go into it but he really did have some serious baggage. Most wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. But our broken bits worked really well, until they just didn't and the shit hit the fan.

In conclusion, I must be fairly fucked up at the very least, because my arsehole radar is clearly faulty. It just doesn't work the way other peoples seems to.

aureus3012, thank God, there is hope then lol.

Tiny2018

you see , I don’t see you as someone who’s fucked
i just see you as one of the many people who through brain wiring , degree of neurodiversity , childhood experiences , gender , self esteem and experience etc has learnt to not function great in one area - romantic relationships (for lack of a better term )

and it’s a tricky area at the best of times

I feel the same , but I don’t think it’s fuck up

its complicated to unravel too

but Jesus you’ve identified there’s a problem
and there a lot of information and support to digest when you feel ready

and maybe stay single while you digest it 😗

Fascinating thread. Just wanted to be able to follow if you guys continue. My respect for being so open and self aware OP!

I’ve just re read this start to finish

mainly because for some reason I decided to text my ex and ask to meet for a coffee and to talk
why ? WHYYYYY

why on earth would this man (who’s so avoidant he’s not handling his messy custody issues ) meet for a coffee to debrief why our sex only relationship (but heavy emotional support ) turned to shit !!!

so right now I’m feeling like the hot mess

Exactly this.
It'll take a lot of practice to detach from the label.

Thought stopping. Being deliberate in discussing other topics and not going to the default of broken and toxic.

@Thisisworsethananticpated you could cancel 🤷‍♀️ you don't have to go. It took me a year before I got the ick and stopped meeting up and getting back with exh so I'm not judging you. Your brain will get bored soon enough. You know you're hurting yourself x

@litterbox I hear you, however, I think it's like gannet said. Undamaged men are attracted to undamaged women. It doesn't matter how successful I am I still have to explain I've got a 17yr old, that I've got a council house (I don't feel comfortable lying and every bloke asks if you're renting or do you have a mortgage) and whilst I can gloss over it I know I don't fit them.

I find this thread really interesting. I'm also "damaged" from an abusive upbringing and have followed a predictable pattern with men. (Not the same abuse as you OP, but still lots of parallels).

I became single again last year and have been dating since. The two men I've got involved with since becoming single have both been as similarly unavailable/damaged/abusive as the men I've got involved with previously (3 relationships after a long marriage).

I've started dating again and have finally realised that I'm STILL going for the same men (and I'm considerably older than you!) and I need to reset what I'm attracted to. I swipe left on people I think are boring. And keep chatting and meet up with men who are what I consider interesting/funny. Last week I had a date with a lovely man, who I brushed off because I thought there was no spark. But I realise that I do need to persevere with the men I consider dull because they won't be!

Unlike you Op I don't see myself as damaged or broken. But I know that I have been shaped by my childhood and I need re-set myself. I also wonder (and this new from reading this thread - which is incredible given how much counselling I've had! ) how much I'm unconsciously looking for men like my father. Who was pretty absent for most of my childhood, but used to sweep in being charming and sophisticated and throwing money around. My mother was ridiculously enmeshed with him even after he treated her appallingly. (Unlike you OP, like my mother, I do stay in relationships way longer than I should, and put up with bad treatment, just like my mother used to).

It's interesting.

Hi op - I’m not sure how much therapy you have had - you mention 12 sessions over a year? It’s not much given your childhood experience - have you looked at your attachment style? You mentioned inner child? Have you joined a 12 step group - ACA - SLAA - CoDa - I’m wondering if you are addicted to excitement - you find stability “boring”
Look at activity groups where you are around men - get to know them before dating -

@Helen I'm glad you've had an epiphany. It's fascinating how we are all shaped.

@whydidImarryhim - sorry I don't believe in attachment theory. I'm sure it will die it's death again from the latest resurgence it's having. And I've had a lot of counselling not just 12 sessions over a year.

Just to say that I had a really damaged childhood - violence, addiction, chaos and I've ended up with a really lovely undamaged bloke who has no idea what it's like to come from an unstable family unit. He's dependable and kind and it's absolutely lovely. We have children who are also growing up in a happy, stable home so I've broken the cycle. Funnily enough I remember girls he knew before we got together saying that he was boring. I think he's anything but, he's got a dark sense of humour, he's intelligent and kind. So it can be done!

Meant to add that I had a LOT of counselling - years worth. It really helped. I still have patches of it even now in my 50s.

You're taking yourself out of the game before even trying if you think every decent man is going to judge you for living in a council house and having a 17 year old.

I'm not understanding if you're saying because you used to live in a council house or still do?

You can move you know.

I still think this has to do more with self esteem, not feeling worthy, and clinging to a fixed mindset.

When you realise that you are in charge, and you're not the victim of anything, things will go better.

Stay away from harmful/toxic people, whether you are attracted to them or not. Wait. There will be someone out there that you fancy the pants off, who likes people who know they're no more or less faulty than anyone else.

You are currently looking for someone who fancies people like yourself, who think there's something wrong with them. Don't you want someone who likes self confidence?

As usual @Watchkeys knows the trick!

The difference between meeting my now-DH and the relationships I had before him is that by the time I met DH, I knew my own value (and so did he).

For me, that had involved quite a long time just getting really contented with life alone.

It's not my thinking that is faulty here. I don't believe I'm unlovable/unworthy/inherently bad. I genuinely like myself. I'm also realistic. Many people make judgements over others' choas. My choas is not easily hidden. I've had lots of nice dates with nice normal guys but none of those guys are interested in me once my past comes out. The ones that stick are the ones who are either pretty desperate or who have similar pasts to mine. The issue with the similar ones is that we have the us against the world relationship which ends in drama and tears. I'm also not addicted to drama. I'm happiest in a relationship when it feels safe and secure and you can be yourself. I'm also happy on my own. I've been single over a year, I'm happy in my own company and life but yes I want to date. It's a human thing to want to be in a relationship.

What I'm stuck on is the attraction to damaged men who subconsciously remind me of my dad. Or I need to find someone who is a little messed up but not to an extreme/has done the inner work. I think from this thread I'm taking that it's okay and normal to want someone who can relate to you because of similarities- but also not someone who is still messy.

I think for me there’s also an element of maybe envy/resentment, not quite sure, when I date a man who had a good upbringing, nice stable family etc. It reminds me of everything I didn’t have. A good family relationship lasts your whole life and I’ve done the thing of spending Christmas with his family, that kind of thing, and it makes me feel sad. Easier in a way to stick with what you know.

I also find men like that (or people in general) don’t really “get” what it’s like to have dysfunctional/neglectful/abusive parents. I’ve had partners say to me “but she’s your mum” and they just don’t get that she is that, but only by biology. There’s no real relationship there. Which then makes me feel alone and not understood.

I guess in short, the spotlight is on everything I don’t have and I don’t like it. When I’m alone at least it’s not in my face. When I date a partner who’s similar they do get it.

Can therapy repair all the damage? I think for some yes, for others no. What works for one never works for all.

It's very common to recognise what was familiar, yet broken, in childhood then try to mend it. I dont have a solution other than abstention which has been lengthy and which I will never change. But that's just me. I hope you find something better for you.