I am only attracted to broken men

[FeathersSpitting]

It's me, I'm the problem in all my relationships. I am attracted to broken men, who have the same or similar childhood wounds as me, who remind me of my sad and angry dad. I'm 35. I've had countless amounts of therapy, I've been in numerous abusive relationships. After a year or so on my own and building my life up I've dipped a toe into online dating and I only fancy the fucked up ones. Least this time around I am not entertaining it..but I'm definitely the problem.

How weird am I to be attracted to men with childhood issues similar to mine. It's like I've got a radar for them. Decent men msg me and I just go YUK, ex cocaine user who has no contact with his kid I go YUM.

What more is there that I can do? Stay by myself forever!

You are simultaneously pointing out all the ways in which you find yourself faulty, whilst insisting you are not faulty.

People who consider themselves sorted wouldn't even be sharing their past with dates who might turn out to have a similar past. They wouldn't be sharing their info with people who they're not sure they can 100% trust to have their best interests at heart. You're saying you are sharing stuff with people who end up hurting you, and that it's a pattern in your life. That doesn't happen to people with confidence, self respect, self esteem.

If you were as sorted as you think you are, none of this would be an issue, because nobody would even know about your past until they were in long term relationship land. That would be because your past isn't relevant to you now.

Stop telling dates about the difficulties in your past. That's where your problem is starting: with the over sharing. By mentioning it, you make it a feature of the date/relationship. Let relationships develop without bringing it up. Keep it to yourself. Then you'll have to find people you have something else in common with, and that would be healthier.

I think I know what you mean, OP, in that a key attraction between me and DH is that we have both had tough lives and have developed a lot of humour and resilience. I couldn't be with someone who'd lived a more sheltered life, e.g. if they'd never done drugs of any kind. It's just a whole sphere of experience missing.

Re knowing your own value, though, you mention "My choas is not easily hidden." Could you view it as a source of pride, rather than shame? I mean, Walter White at the end of Breaking Bad has a lot of chaos to cover up, but it's the chaos that transforms him from an ordinary schoolteacher into an awesome superhero.

If you were as sorted as you think you are, none of this would be an issue, because nobody would even know about your past until they were in long term relationship land. That would be because your past isn't relevant to you now.

This.

Oh and the other thing about knowing your own value is: Of course, look out for men who understand multiple layers of life as you do. But expect them to have reached the same conclusions about it all as you. Do not lower your standards to tolerate someone who uses a chip on their shoulder as an excuse for behaving like a wanker. Expect them to have developed fully rounded characters with wisdom that you can trust.

Greatly and watchkey you are off the mark here. You are not comprehending what I am saying. I've explained it enough times already. My past isn't something hidden away. It's fairly normal to have conversations about whether you have your own place/house share/private rent at my age. It's fairly normal to have the kid conversation on a date. Unless I start lying about my dc age or about my house, or even about my job or that I haven't travelled extensively (because of dc), then it's there on display. I'm not particularly embarrassed about my house/kids/life - I'm actually pretty proud of myself. The issue is normal mens judgement of me because of it and that I know I don't fit in with them.

I had a lovely date with a man last month. During the date, he said his worst fear was a mum in a council house with a cat.. I also have a cat! This man wasn't an asshole. It's an across the board mc type of judgement. Now I'm not hurt about this date judging me, I told him at the end of the date about my council house, kids and cat, it was funny. He wanted to be my friend and see me again - but I'm not classed as someone the same as him in his head. That isn't me thinking negatively of myself. That's the truth. He fancied me before he knew those things about me, and he didn't know I was in care or any of the rest.

Alcemeg! That sounds perfect. I also need someone who used to get off their head and doesn't anymore - but also isn't a 'dry drunk' and not dealt with how he self soothes 😂. I suppose men who have been there and done that and don't do that anymore are hard to find!

I had a lovely date with a man last month. During the date, he said his worst fear was a mum in a council house with a cat

then I’m sorry and I’m as white and MC as they come - he’s a cunt
he’s just a dick

you shouldn’t say stuff like that out loud
it makes you look like a judgemental prick

nice guy does NOT equal a white MC type saying shit like that

you see this is why I date foreign men and always have actually

The issue is normal mens judgement of me because of it and that I know I don't fit in with them

If the issue is how men judge you then you can either change yourself, or meet more men until you meet one with whom you tick each other's boxes. You're thinking there is something special about you: there isn't. At least, I'm sure there's lots of special things about you, but this dating trouble you seem to be having isn't to do with your 'special circumstances' or 'special history'. There are lots of people in similar situations to yours who date and meet nice people and settle down. It's the 'My wounds and his wounds are what make our relationship special' attitude that's the issue. People can know anything about the ages of your children or about where you live, but you can be happy and comfortable with those things, or you can reveal them to be vulnerabilities, and go into details about why. It's your choice. We've all got things we can go into detail about that would attract the wrong kind of partner.

Maybe it's you that is super judgemental OP!

Greatly

feels like your shit kicking OP tbh

im all for tough love and all that
but your not coming across great
and I think (hope !) your intentions are pure

I'm sorry if I sound abrasive - I do think the description of the man she wants sounds judgemental though - must be a reformed caner etc etc. A lot of specific requirements!

@Watchkeys
very good posts.
oversharing is not first date conversation
keep it light
talk about fun things
what you like
tv , films you’ve liked
not how ‘bad’ it was etc

Tbh Greatly it does come across more than abrasive. You're projecting all over this thread.

Also, before, when I didn't have a great sense of self, I would have listened to what you and watchkeys are saying. But, it's not me. You both keep saying things that aren't right in your armchair diagnosing/your projections.

Robin - I've said just up the thread a little bit some things you can't avoid saying, and also, why would you. It's lying by omission to not say I have dc. See this thread this morning www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4722491-he-has-a-son?page=2&reply=123179454 - I'm definitely not about to do that to someone.

Thanks, everyone, for your support and understanding. Getting it out has been very helpful. I'm sorry to hear of others' struggles with similar challenges. I'm leaving this thread and nc now as it's not helpful to be told the same wrong things by a couple of people over and over.

Wow, ok. Good luck!

And I told you very openly about my own trauma, so thanks - sorry if it wasn't the exact trauma and follow on life that you deem interesting enough.

Greatly

gently , let it go

this isn’t a therapists chair or room
none of us are experts

we cant read how the OP feels

the tough love style meant that Op is now name Changing and leaving the thread

is that what you wanted ? I don’t think so

it read like your desire to be ‘right’ and express your forthright onion was more important that the feelings of an upset human being

Forthright onion

I'll have to remember that one!

I think you had a fair point @Thisisworsethananticpated , but your forthright onion has got my day started with a really good laugh!

@FeathersSpitting

Good luck. I hope you got something from the thread, even if it wasn't exactly what you expected.

I’ve got covid !!! That’s my excuse 🧅

I’m also doing a shit load of reading as i have just ended something and I’m also figuring out why , how come I got so anxious and sad etc

so many theories and schools of thought !!!

i do have a badass therapist and she’s great but she’s also a human and sometimes she’s is so forthright I find myself defending things

theres a very fine line

UPDATE

I just wanted to update this thread as I know there were quite a few of us in the same boat..

I'm actually dating a normal man with his shit together. A proper grown up! He's lovely, handsome, tall, funny, good job, own house, drives etc. He's had a bit of a hard time growing up but not excessively. Enough that he doesn't judge me and we can swap funny naughty teenage stories.

I'm not sure if it will last the distance, but he's so kind and hasn't given me the ick yet!

I dated a bit through summer, got the ick a few times very quickly and moved on. Was genuinely happy single, life is really good at the moment and along comes my mr tall and kind man.

I did take the advice about oversharing in the beginning even though I didn't think I was oversharing before, this time round I just said things like - well that's a long story for another day - rather than give even a brief overview.

I'm not saying he's the one. I don't really believe in all of that anyway, but he's kind, attractive, good in bed, thoughtful and likes the same activities as me. It's nice.

Oh and well I told him I live in a council house after the third date.. he said well we aren't all dealt the same hand in life are we. How lovely is that! It's so nice to take things slow with someone and not bond over similar childhood trauma! I thought I wanted that, I thought if I ended up with a broken man we'd fix each other and have such a strong relationship, but that's a complete fantasy from a mills and boon book! In real life damaged people just damage each other further and react against each other. It's so nice to feel secure in myself whether this works out or not!

What a lovely update! All the best @FeathersSpitting . Did you have further therapy this year to get to this point, or what do you think has made it different this time?

@MissIndecisive2023 I did have my standard 12 sessions paid by work over summer. I was also dating and getting the ick with nice enough men and I suppose examining that in the counselling sessions did help. I still got the ick when there was any type of pressure and realised that I go off men when I feel the slightest bit trapped as I used too enjoy the game of making them want me/working for affection. I am not playing a game or working for affection or feeling that he's a million miles out of my league (he's definitely a catch mind).

I've had a really great year, I've got fit, had a few great holidays with dd and friends, got a promotion and I've somehow managed to rely on myself when I get sad or upset. Not a man, not friends, not family, when something goes wrong I'm not wailing about it to other people and needing them to fix it for me. I've finally learnt how to make myself happy. I think that's what has happened more than anything else to get me here. I always wanted someone to look after me and to look after them in turn, now I look after myself. It feels great! Like I've finally grown up!

That’s so great, good for you! Sounds like all your work and learning has paid off and you are reaping the rewards of that now. Love it!

Thank you @MissIndecisive2023 happy new year, have a lovely 2024 🩵

You make your choices and you pay the consequences, simple as that.
It can take people a tremendous amount of time and suffering before they are able to say enough is enough. Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom yet? Rock bottom is often the turning point.
Many of us have not had healthy childhood, it's up to us as adults to heal ourselves and move forward.