I am only attracted to broken men

[FeathersSpitting]

It's me, I'm the problem in all my relationships. I am attracted to broken men, who have the same or similar childhood wounds as me, who remind me of my sad and angry dad. I'm 35. I've had countless amounts of therapy, I've been in numerous abusive relationships. After a year or so on my own and building my life up I've dipped a toe into online dating and I only fancy the fucked up ones. Least this time around I am not entertaining it..but I'm definitely the problem.

How weird am I to be attracted to men with childhood issues similar to mine. It's like I've got a radar for them. Decent men msg me and I just go YUK, ex cocaine user who has no contact with his kid I go YUM.

What more is there that I can do? Stay by myself forever!

I kind of get it OP. I realised that being controlled gives me some weird sense of "security" which I'm sure is linked to my childhood. I was expected to be the adult as a kid and I think I always longed to just be a kid. So when I grew up I ended up in relationships where I didn't have to decide anything or have any control myself because that's what I actually craved. I wanted a relationship where someone else was in charge and not me! But you can imagine how that turned out for me.

I actually went into a career where most of the job is helping damaged people (ironic I know!) and I think it was that, that really made me look at my own life. Also when your job is to do that, the last thing you want is to deal with it in your personal life. It was very good for self reflection.

The issue is though that most undamaged men want an undamaged woman and vice versa. Even if it's not a conscious thought, it's often an subconscious one. As you say, once you go into your background and stuff it all comes out. The men who stick around after that are the unsuitable ones. So I don't know what the answer is. You can work on yourself but you can't change other people.

My conclusion was that at my age (in my 50s) and with grown DC, a job, home etc I actually wasn't going to bother with a relationship again. I really don't want to do the "work" at this stage in my life to try and solve it and relationships aren't good for me. It makes me a bit sad. But I tell myself thats life, we don't all get everything we want. So I try and just be content with what I have.

Oh stop it. Likewise you have no idea what my own childhood was like. If the OP is happy as she is, then fine. If not she needs to do the work on her emotional maturity.

@Greatly did you not read where I said I've had a decade of therapy? I've had more if I take into account interventions in my childhood. Saying - do the work - like I haven't done SO much work is just insulting tbh.

Whether you meant it or not your posts aren't coming across great.

You don't go to therapy and do the work and be fixed. I won't be fixed. My highs and lows aren't as extreme, I now see the poor choices for what they are and I don't go along with them even though I want too... but I can't change that I'm not normal. I can't change that I can't mention my daughter and that gives a clue into my not normal life. The older I get the more it shows.

I 100% relate to this! Until last year I was desperate for someone to look after me, and once I was 'looked after' I was abused. I wanted to be a housewife even though I'm really good at my job and have loads of experience, first class degree, well respected in my role!

I have no idea if/when I end up with someone again if I'll go back to being a wannabe wife from the handmaids tale 🤦‍♀️

I don't think there's anything massively wrong with what you're looking for (an element of similar past so you can relate fully to one amother).

The problem is that the only way you know how to spot it when you see is to pick the men who haven't dealt with their past and are therefore wearing it on the forehead for you to see. Clearly they are going to be in a mess and incapable of providing the level of togetherness you need in a true partner.

Personally I think you need to give a decent chance to what you call the 'normal' men. Some will.be put off you, you will be put off by some, but I bet there'll be the occasional one who when you scratch below the surface has a background you understand but has also grown and healed since then. Then you can bond and feel like you know each other without the screwed up element, which is probably what you really wanted with your dad anyway.

No advice OP, but I am exactly the same. If i didn't already know it, the last one, which ended 3 months ago definitely made me realise the type of man i am drawn to. My ex literally told me after a few weeks of dating, that he had some baggage, and my gut went 'uh oh, here we go' but I went all in anyway. He relied on me almost entirely for emotional support, but fucked me over on numerous occasions. Though as an above poster mentioned, he always held up his hands and admitted his wrongdoings.

I honestly don't know what it is. I've been on a few dates this week, eith perfectly nice, normal guys, but I just don't get that spark with men who also haven't experienced childhood trauma. I now know that if I feel a spark, it's danger ahead, but the pull is too strong. For me, relationships with another fucked up person just feel so deep and intimate, and we understand each other on a base level. It feels like us against the world- until they basically metaphorically end up bleeding all over me. Ends up very love/hate in the end and when I break up with them, usually after a few chances, I absolutely pine for them, as though a part of my soul has gone with them.

It's so frustrating, as like OP, I am an intelligent, otherwise well rounded individual, but I seriously struggle in the relationship arena. Grrr.

Sorry I can't offer any advice OP, just wanted you to know, I get it.

For me, relationships with another fucked up person just feel so deep and intimate, and we understand each other on a base level. It feels like us against the world- until they basically metaphorically end up bleeding all over me

oh wow
I can so relate to that

I’m totally broken hearted right now BUT I’m like also - I’m fucking turning 50 this year and I can’t keep doing this to myself !! And being all upset and being moody with my kids because something silly happened

FeathersSpitting

you know one of the good things about OLD is you can pretty much advertise for the candidates you want ! Don’t be afraid to personalise your profile and be very specific about this

or tell a story or anecdote that might resonate with a similar soul

you have nothing to lose , profiles can be edited x

Maybe you just prefer men that it so happens, are more attractive?

Eg: ppl tend to date in and around their own level of physical attractiveness (at least when meeting online where looks are much of all you really have to go on)

I'm a 5 out 10 (sorry to be crass and use numbers). If an 8 hits on me, I'll fancy him. But it'll probably turn out that he is bloody mental. Because people who look to date people considerably below them in attractiveness.. it's usually because they want to be put on a pedestal.

Of course this doesn't work that way in places where you meet organically and get to know eachother over time. As then, personality comes into play. They just love you for you.

But in short term dating...if they're way hotter than you, yes you will fancy them...but they'll probably be nuts or working some sort of scam.

Maybe you just fancy them because they are hot. In comparison to the normal people who may not be instant butterflies but you might like better if you got to know.

OP, also check parentification.

This is very good.

For me, relationships with another fucked up person just feel so deep and intimate, and we understand each other on a base level. It feels like us against the world- until they basically metaphorically end up bleeding all over me. Ends up very love/hate in the end and when I break up with them, usually after a few chances, I absolutely pine for them, as though a part of my soul has gone with them

This ^^

Also @Pinkbonbon tbf it's usually me dating down looks wise. My exh was stunning but I'm a good 7 without make up if we'rebeing crass. 8.5 dressed up.

You saved you…all by yourself, that’s very impressive! Maybe you think you can save them? And that’s why you do it?

(you can’t save them, difference between you and them is that you wanted to be saved, lots of people just accept there lot and don’t care about wanting or doing better in life)

Them men are not your problem, you can’t save them, find a nice guy instead

In the past, I really messed up my life because of the bloody "Spark" and those sh*thead butterflies 💩.

We need a large warning sign that says

Butterfly = bad, LTB, run as fast as you can 🚩🚩🚩
Spark = run, run and never look back. Spark, bad bad bad, LTB 🚩🚩🚩

JamieNorthlife

its hard though

we are conditioned to be in a relationship and conditioned by films and TV that passionate is normal and desirable

so I’ve been sick so watching a fuck tonne of Netflix
its just making me miss my ex more as we did have good sex

and maybe the nicer safer ones don’t initially ignite our loins as quickly

Crappy Childhood Fairy has been helpful previously thanks, Jamie. I definitely relate to the limerances. I get terrible limerences, but they're usually reciprocal, which leads to toxicity.

I'm not joking when I say I've done so much work.

I've done life story therapy, inner child therapy, CBT, DBT, the eye movement one, NLP, and hypnotherapy. I've read every bloody book, watched so many youtube helpers. I'm really aware of my behaviours, I know why I do what I do. I manage my emotions pretty alright nowadays, I exercise, meditate, yoga, swim, look after myself, eat well, have hobbies, I do things that bring me so much joy and my friends really are amazing forces in my life. I'm not a mess and haven't been for years. What I am is bonkers over men!

I like men who smother me and try to control me. Then I feel loved, but then I realise it's not healthy and I leave. A man crying about his past and relating to me about mine would be my idea of heaven. That breakthrough and emotional intimacy that we would have after that!

I don't think you've come to the realisation that men like that don't truly get you. They're selfish. They're relating to you because it gets them what they want which is to use you and abuse you. It's why none of these types of relationships never work out.
It feels familiar to you because your dad is like that.

More therapy would be helpful.

One to unlock you're fixed mindset of you're one way and that's that. I suspect it protects you from getting close to anyone.

You've labeled yourself as X and surround yourself by people and things that support that view.

Two. Try some EMDR therapy. Once again to unlock and process the trauma you've experienced over the years so it doesn't define who you are.

Toxic relationships have the best sex 😭😭😭

Since you've had CBT, then you know what type distorted thinking that comment is.

FeathersSpitting

noone can deny you have done the work !

maybe think abiut what you DO want rather than what you don’t want

and target that , your an 8.5 and have youth on your side so worth trying

so a less damaged version of what you’ve fell for in the past ?

I think, as PPs have suggested, you need exposure therapy to 'normal well adjusted men' via dates. Maybe you'll panic and run out of the first one for no good reason, but perhaps after a couple you'll actually sit down and have a chat about something other than their broken childhood and addiction problems?

I like the exposure therapy idea 😂

Last night I unmatched with the hot mess of a man I was talking too. Obviously on his profile he looked decent but I searched for his Facebook and found utter spite about his ex and that a judge has said he can't see his kid.. and I know that judges rarely grant no contact. You have to be pretty awful for that to happen. I was still going to go on a date with him... but I unmatched him and I won't be. I still feel attracted to him though!!

Agreed on toxic relationships being the best sex. Like, ever.

So good in fact, at the time, all the pain is worth it. The highs are so high, but the loss so low. They make you feel alive.

I think people who have never had this type of relationship just don't get it. My oldest friend is inquisitive about what I got from those relationships, and I explained it as best I could, but she just never really understood it.

Wow, that's a lot of therapy. You are on a different level then and are very much aware of your issues. I wish I was at that stage.

I still make so many mistakes. 😥

Tiny2018

i don’t think this narrative helps

yes I was bonded to ex as sex was amazing

but I also had amazing sex in a non toxic setting

a lot of people have hot sex with people who are not toxic and damaged

people DO however stay in unhealthy relationships because of good sex

fucked up person just feel so deep and intimate, and we understand each other on a base level

That's because you view yourself as fucked up. Nobody who feels as 'together' as you seem to think you are would want a relationship with somebody fucked up.