I am only attracted to broken men

[FeathersSpitting]

It's me, I'm the problem in all my relationships. I am attracted to broken men, who have the same or similar childhood wounds as me, who remind me of my sad and angry dad. I'm 35. I've had countless amounts of therapy, I've been in numerous abusive relationships. After a year or so on my own and building my life up I've dipped a toe into online dating and I only fancy the fucked up ones. Least this time around I am not entertaining it..but I'm definitely the problem.

How weird am I to be attracted to men with childhood issues similar to mine. It's like I've got a radar for them. Decent men msg me and I just go YUK, ex cocaine user who has no contact with his kid I go YUM.

What more is there that I can do? Stay by myself forever!

I suppose "butterflies" to me is a kind of excited insecurity?

Instead, with now-DH, it was more a feeling of admiring his epic awesomeness without feeling in any way at risk????

hard to explain 😂

When you say nice men find your life too chaotic, my advice would be don’t overshare. I used to think that I should spill my guts and if a potential partner didn’t like me for me, they weren’t right. I have done a complete 360 on this now. Spilling my guts and telling men about all my vulnerabilities is exactly what attracts the wrong types. You can reinvent yourself and show potential men the new and improved version. I have only ever been attracted to fucked up men too, and I know it is because my self esteem is very low. I still live with my long term fucked up man. And it has been 17 difficult years. But I am working toward extricating myself and then I am going to really work on my self esteem before I venture near anyone else!

You may already have read “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood but if not, I think that might contain some helpful insights for you.

Viewing yourself as faulty is the core of your problem. Your post are riddled with 'What's wrong with me?' and the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with you except that you think something is wrong with you.

If you're attracted to men who aren't a good idea, stay away from them. Just stay single. Respect yourself enough to know that that's ok, and that at some point, the right bloke will turn up. Respect yourself enough to understand that however attracted you might be, you don't have to accept Mr 40% right now, when Mr 92% might be a year or two down the line.

The acceptance and respect of yourself, your feelings, and your position, will change who you're attracted to. Respect the fact that you need more time.

Following on from Watchkeys advice, just be open to different experiences and put some faith in yourself. It sounds like the rest of your life is great, focus on that when you meet a guy and let yourself connect with someone based on positive experiences. Once you have got to know someone you can then show your vulnerable side.

Nothing is wrong with you except that you think something is wrong with you.

I know you mean well, but for me personally, as someone with similar problems, this sort of statement has been exceptionally bad advice. Childhood trauma leaves deep marks in your way of perceiving and relating to the world, your automatic assumptions about others, and even your physical health. Trauma is healed by hard work and targeted therapies; time, on its own, rarely does the trick.

If you don't like the phrase "something's wrong with me", fair enough, but there are things that are different about people like me who've had a traumatic childhood. Well-meaning people think that minimising that difference will help me feel better, but actually the way to get better to recognise it and take action.

Yup @Manchestergirl

There is something wrong with me. It's not a belief, I am different from those who were brought up with loving and boundaried parents.

I can tell you all loads of great things about myself. I don't hate myself, I know I'm worth a good life. I do lots of things that make me happy that someone with low self-esteem wouldn't do. I just feel more at home and attracted to damaged men. It's like there are invisible words/phrases/rules that people who grow up well know and understand that I don't. So I'm left out, I'm on the outside around them. That isn't a belief of a confidence thing. I don't fit in with normal people.

I don't go out of my way to overshare! I definitely feel like I have to explain things. People always ask about school/parents/house etc on the first few dates. I have to explain I live in a council house, then I have to explain that I got a council property because I was a care leaver and it goes on and on and on. I had my daughter at 17 - again, try explaining that you're 35 with a 17-year-old without oversharing. It's so difficult.

Awareness is what's needed.
Same old patterns end up with same old results.
You have to learn to parent yourself, as soon as your triggers are activated, self sooth, take yourself away from the situation. Prioritise peace of mind above anything else. If you meet someone and he disturbs your inner peace that's a price to high to pay. People who love you care about how you feel. Love gives, lust takes.

Sorry if it's already been said but, codependent relationships don't mean what most people think they do.

Codependent relationships are where one person takes on the role of the care giver and one takes on the role of the dependent. It doesn't automatically mean the relationship is abusive, and the care giver is equally in need of fulfilling the role of carer as the dependent is of receiving that care.

I think you need more counselling to address this specific trait. As said, it's not necessarily the case that these are abusive relationships but they can turn that way, and they're not always healthy. You've already explained perhaps without realising that you absolutely are one of the 2 sides of a codependent relationship.

You couldn't 'save' your dad, so you think if you could just 'save' this broken man / men, all would well.
But it wasn't your job to save your dad. It was his.
He couldn't parent you properly, but you are grown now. You can parent yourself.

You sound stuck rather than broken to me, 'broken' is an identity, it's something you get comfortable (or it becomes 'dis-comfortable') with and it hard to learn a new language so the you don't feel left out by the 'rules that people who grow up well know and understand'... ('Normal' is an illusion anyway...).

I completely broke in adulthood. It turns out my childhood wasn't as 'normal' and loving as I though either, just to add to things. I did 'broken' as an identity for a bit and gradually, through therapy and bloody mindedness progressed to fixed and healthy and well. More people than you realise have been 'broken' they just don't all wear it on their shirt sleeve. You'd look at them and think that they were one of the 'normals'.

You don't HAVE to tell anyone anything about why you live in a council house, that's your choice. I make up my own agenda, and just for a laugh I go out and see how far from the broken I can appear to people...life is still bloody hard and I have relatives that feel sorry for me (they can bog off! I'm cracking on!).

One of my biggest inspirations is someone who was pg at 16, living in squat a few years later with 2+ kids. They have an amazing life now...it can be done you just have to move on from broken.

Ooooh I feel the same

I’m staying single (for now) but at your age you have to try and crack this

I think the idea is you forgo the butterflies and stress and really try it with a nice and more stable guy

my friend did this and 1 year in she’s a happy bunny

By the way you don’t have to tell people all
your stuff

there no shame in having a council house or being a care leaver and it’s none of their business

and maybe you need to meet people who are survivors like you? Not damaged , just people who understand life and how messy it can be

i get it totally 💯
the guy I’ve just recently split with was sooo like my ex in so many ways
and yes I liked that I could be myself with him and we were Co dependant

but sounds like you need a middle ground between ‘damaged’ and ‘privileged and don’t get where I came from’

I do lots of things that make me happy that someone with low self-esteem wouldn't do

A person with healthy self esteem wouldn't say 'There is something wrong with me.'

People with poor self esteem don't see themselves as demons who are terrible in all circumstances. They just have areas in life where they're not so sure of themselves, just like you. In the nicest possible way, this is not something 'special' about you. Many people are attracted to people who cannot make them happy; you're totally normal. Stop viewing yourself as faulty, or at least accept that you are just as faulty as everyone else, and nothing more.

@November657 when you said "The truth is that they’re so self absorbed most of the time they don’t even notice anything you’ve got going on." that really made my ears prick up.

I think that's exactly WHY it's compelling for some of us (me included) to love people like this. It's the same reason I love walking unseen through a big city, or a town at night, or singing in a group of voices but never when it's just me on my own. I want to be invisible, unseen. I find the gaze of others almost painful in its intimacy, and it makes me feel terrified and a bit mad inside, like I want to run away. I think we pick people incapable of intimacy not because they are broken and we want to fix them, but because they won't look at us too closely. That kind of closeness feels unsafe, like drowning, becoming subsumed.
Unfortunately, that kind of closeness is also normal, and healthy. I suppose we can just try exposure therapy, bit by bit until the full force of an available, emotionally open and healthy person doesn't send us running screaming for the hills.

@ZeppelinTits you’re absolutely right, I can definitely relate to this.

It makes me think of a previous relationship with a very broken man with a whole cart full of various issues. He knew how damaged he was and whilst his behaviour in that relationship was awful, he also happily accepted full responsibility and blame for any and everything that went wrong in the relationship. I wasn’t entirely perfect but he would skim over anything I did and reassure me that I was perfect and great and any problems we had were his doing and anything I did wrong was justified. He enjoyed it I think because it gave him more reasons to throw pity parties for himself, something he thoroughly enjoyed doing. An emotionally healthy and stable man would hold you accountable for wrongdoings and point out when you were being an idiot or when you were in the wrong.

Please excuse the typos in my previous post...

ZeppelinTits I can identify with that, I have a male friend who says very kind things about me and I simply cannot cope, any focus, good or bad feels uncomfortable.

I don't feel like I fit in around people who aren't damaged

This the very core of your problem…you have imposter syndrome of sorts.

Angry and unstable are the types of things that would give me an instant ick, and I have a very fucked up past.

I think the way to look at it would be to ask yourself what you want for your future, and to recognise that if you want success and peace long term you’re not going to find it from these types of men.

Allow your post care identity to blossom, and work on mixing outside of your comfort zone.

I wouldn't try to fake anything OP. Faking an attraction to stable guys that you don't feel, faking a "new you" to paper over your past... those are recipes for even greater disaster.

I know how you feel, my childhood was far from a normal or loving one. Like you I've worked through it as best as I can. I don't feel damaged, I don't have low self-esteem, I've had a successful life, I feel pretty content with my lot.

It's interesting that you say that a lot of your friends have also had troubled lives. It seems like this isn't just a question of who you're romantically attracted to but who you feel you can be comfortable and vulnerable with, and who you feel can actually understand you. I'm the same. Sometimes when I'm with friends who've had a stable and loving upbringing, and a healthy relationship with their parents, I have these moments where I think... you could never understand what I've been through. I've bonded more with friends who've gone through similar experiences to me.

So to an extent I think you need to work with who you are and the hand you've been dealt. But it's really important to remember that "childhood trauma and a sense of damage" isn't a binary - it's not normal and stable at one end, fucked-up and toxic at the other. In between there are all of us working through our issues to varying degrees of success, not always perfectly but with a good heart and with consideration for other people in our life. You yourself are one of these people. So are your friends. There will be men out there whose experiences resonate with you but who are not so damaged and so broken that they'll drag you back down - you can help each other move past your childhoods, show each other the love you both need, raise each other up, support each other when you feel yourself sinking.

Thank you @gannet your post resonates the most with me of who I am.

I seek intimacy and emotional connection, I don't fall in love with distant men, I adore being adored. I love compliments 😂 a man who treated me distantly would have me running for the hills. I like men who smother me and try to control me. Then I feel loved, but then I realise it's not healthy and I leave. A man crying about his past and relating to me about mine would be my idea of heaven. That breakthrough and emotional intimacy that we would have after that! Honestly, it feels so weird to admit, but that's what I want from a man. I realise it's something to do with my dad crying at me so I need to unpick this more and stop being attracted to men with damaged paths that only I can comfort.

I am going to go back to therapy and try to sort this out 🤞although someone else posted about 2 survivors together - that's my fantasy fgs

It’s totally ok to want someone who can empathise with your experiences and knows what it’s like

you just need one who’s working as hard On Himself as you are too

In the nicest possible way you need to grow up a bit and realise that everyone has depths - even the 'boring' ones. Perhaps you aren't emotionally mature enough to realise that, and so just prefer all the drama and problems on the surface so you don't have to really get to know someone.

Well I am most likely emotionally immature in some aspects. If I could grow up and be more sensible I would have already 🤦‍♀️ it's like when someone tells you to get a grip.. yeah I would if I could! Thanks for the advise!

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you. I feel much better about what I want now. I do want someone who gets it, but also takes responsibility for themselves, ie exercises, meditates, works through things in a way that works for them.

Do the work then OP!

It's probably attitudes like this that mean people like OP and myself bond with people who can understand what we've gone through. Like I said, I don't feel damaged, but part of doing the work is understanding that a messed-up childhood leaves a permanent impact on how we navigate the world. You have absolutely no idea what the OP has been through and it's not your place to dismiss it as "drama".