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Original poster

Suddenly realised I’m not attracted to DH anymore. What am I supposed to do?

112 replies

Weirdrose · 15/01/2023 00:17

Have been with DH for 10 years, married for 7. 1 dc. I’m mid thirties, he is mid forties.

We’ve always had mismatched sex drives. Mine is quite high and DH not so much, though this didn’t really become an issue until the last few years.

It began to dwindle, then it was only when I instigated it. He stopped ‘giving’ me anything in return. He would happily accept blowjobs or a quickly but anything for me/kissing/foreplay went out of the window. Eventually I had to stop instigating as I’d be constantly rejected, and I hated feeling like a sex pest. It’s been completely none existent for the last 10 months.

We’ve talked about it so many times in the past. Dh even went to the gp and got diagnosed with low testosterone and a prescription for viagra. But he never followed up with any of the other appointments, blood tests or prescriptions. He didn’t seem to care and at this point I’ve had to assume he just doesn’t want to.

I won’t lie, I even considered having an affair. I started noticing attractive men and fantasising about them. I even signed up on an affairs dating website, which lasted all of two minutes before I was horrified by the influx of messages and guiltily deleted the account! It’s definitely not something I could ever do, so not an option. I was beginning to plan a life without him, as even though I love him, I can’t live the rest of my life without any passion or intimacy.

The thing is, the last month or two or so DH has begun to make advances. But only when very drunk at the weekend.

And my physical reaction shocked me. I was absolutely repulsed. And a little offended (I’ve been taking even more care of my physical appearance, but he has to be steaming to even consider it?!).

I’ve been craving this so much, but I felt awkward and very uncomfortable. My skin crawled. And we’ve just had an argument because now he doesn’t understand why as ‘this is what you want isn’t it’. And I don’t really understand either.

It’s a long shot I know, but has anyone experienced or found a way to get over something like this?

OP posts:
ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 00:19

poor guy.

ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 00:20

considering an affair? That's despicable, sorry.

Grow up and leave him. There's never an excuse to cheat on someone.

Original poster
Weirdrose · 15/01/2023 00:21

@ElonsMusky thank you for your helpful insight. However as you appear to have misread my thread, if your entire takeaway is that I’m going to have an affair, then perhaps it may not be that useful.

OP posts:
HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 15/01/2023 00:25

Couples therapy and sex therapy.

Original poster
Weirdrose · 15/01/2023 00:27

@HandsOffMyCarrierBags I had couple’s therapy with an ex, but to be honest didn’t find it that useful (maybe it was just who we saw).

I’d be willing to try sex therapy, but pretty sure hell would freeze over before DH would agree to go to something like that. I could have a go at asking him. What sort of things are involved?

OP posts:
ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 00:28

that's not my entire takeaway.

You signed up for a dating site....that's already cheating in my opinion.

Look, intimacy is HUGELY IMPORTANT in a marriage.....If it's gone and there is no chance of it coming back then you need to move on...but the right way, not via cheating. However, marriage is work. When trouble arises, ending a 7 year marriage shouldn't be the first thought. WORKING on the marriage should be the first thought. Have you considered marriage counselling?

In my opinion, only after all the work has been but in but to no avail should ending the marriage be considered, and affairs are NEVER justified... Ever. And signing up for a dating site while married is cheating. If I ever found out my husband signed up for an affairs dating site, even if he never fully acted on it, I'd be destroyed.

Ineedtosleep79 · 15/01/2023 00:34

Reminds me of my ex. Sorry. Thats all I've got. My ex had ED and/or was gay.

Original poster
Weirdrose · 15/01/2023 00:35

@ElonsMusky you still appear to be focused on the one sentence of one paragraph though. I immediately deleted it and told DH about it, so no need to get so wound up (I’m assuming it touched a personal nerve, so I understand).

But with all respect, unless you’ve been on the receiving end of being forced into a sexless relationship I don’t think you understand how soul destroying and all consuming it can be. After years of talking and begging and telling DH how unhappy I am, I think I was well within my rights to be planning a divorce.

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that, as we have a dc together and I love him. Hence my shock at realising, when he did actually try to instigate sex, that I really did not want to anymore! And why I posted here to see if anyone had overcome this type of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weirdrose · 15/01/2023 00:36

Ineedtosleep79 · 15/01/2023 00:34

Reminds me of my ex. Sorry. Thats all I've got. My ex had ED and/or was gay.

That has crossed my mind @Ineedtosleep79 but I’ve never seen any ‘signs’ ifyswim.

I know he had low testosterone. He was supposed to be getting a second blood test/medication, but he never went back to the gp again. That was 18 months ago.

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 15/01/2023 00:56

I think the kids say now, “he gives me the ick”. And I’m not surprised if he’s pissed up every time. Like you say, it’s insulting to you that he tries it on only when battered. It lacks the genuine desire that you really craved from him. It all feels a bit contrived and forced which takes the passion away.
Perhaps if he made an effort when sober you’d feel differently?

AutumnCrow · 15/01/2023 01:03

My first thought was that I think you should re-post at a different time of day and hope not to pick up such an unhelpful 'first responder'.

And I'd go and talk this through with a counsellor/therapist because you deserve a conversation about this on your own, for yourself. It sounds tough to be feeling like this, and to be on the end of 'drunken advances' when what you've been wanting is genuine intimacy and desire.

Shauna27 · 15/01/2023 01:11

Would you/your husband consider an open marriage?

Jewel1968 · 15/01/2023 01:18

Why do you think your husband has started to make advances now?

It seems to me it's a deal breaker for you? Think your only options are counseling, open relationship, live with it or leave.

CosyFanTucci · 15/01/2023 01:27

There’s no rule that says you have to feel attracted to the same person for most of your life. Perhaps you’re entering your next life stage. Being open, honest and direct with your DH is likely the best option and you’ll just have to decide whether you can work it out together or not.

Geppili · 15/01/2023 01:33

What happened 10 months ago? Do you have DC? is he using porn/masturbating regularly?

Imogensmumma · 15/01/2023 01:38

Agree with a pp if he is constantly coming onto you when drunk, had been drinking that would give me the ick too!

It shows he’s not really interested in you just horny after a few drinks and that’s diminishing you as his partner.

I think even signing up for affairs website is a big red flag for yourself that is all not well and you may need to decide if you still want to be together

Suzi89 · 15/01/2023 01:48

Jewel1968 · 15/01/2023 01:18

Why do you think your husband has started to make advances now?

It seems to me it's a deal breaker for you? Think your only options are counseling, open relationship, live with it or leave.

Its the alcohol, he’s not interested when he’s sober which I can see why OP would be annoyed by that.

Suzi89 · 15/01/2023 01:49

Some of the replies are so nasty. OP joined a dating site for two minutes then realised it was wrong and deleted the subscription.

ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 02:11

Weirdrose · 15/01/2023 00:35

@ElonsMusky you still appear to be focused on the one sentence of one paragraph though. I immediately deleted it and told DH about it, so no need to get so wound up (I’m assuming it touched a personal nerve, so I understand).

But with all respect, unless you’ve been on the receiving end of being forced into a sexless relationship I don’t think you understand how soul destroying and all consuming it can be. After years of talking and begging and telling DH how unhappy I am, I think I was well within my rights to be planning a divorce.

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that, as we have a dc together and I love him. Hence my shock at realising, when he did actually try to instigate sex, that I really did not want to anymore! And why I posted here to see if anyone had overcome this type of thing.

I'm not trying to be rude. Sometimes direct honestly comes off that way I guess.

At the end of the day I see these options:

1 - leave him the right way
2 - live with it
3 - open marriage

Yes, anyone at any time for any reason is well within their rights to plan a divorce. If you feel you've done everything you can to save the marriage but it's just not gonna work out then you should follow through with that divorce for both your sakes.

Like I said, I'd be absolutely devastated if I found out my husband created an account on a "cheat on your spouse dating site" even if it was brief and not acted on. I'd also be crushed if I found out he was on some men's web group talking about how grossed out by me he is.

marieskyer · 15/01/2023 02:17

I don't blame you for fantasising about other men, and even going so far as to consider an affair. And he's made advances when drunk. I'm not surprised you found that repulsive.

.He stopped ‘giving’ me anything in return. He would happily accept blowjobs or a quickly but anything for me/kissing/foreplay went out of the window.

Selfish behaviour here also.

I'd be having a think about whether to continue in the relationship and if you can put up with a relationship without passion or intimacy.

Mumma · 15/01/2023 02:58

Do you think you are meant to fancy someone forever? We all age and loose our looks... the purpose of a mate is to be with someone good and kind so when you are 85 you still got each others backs. .. or am i the only one 🤔
If you want to be in lust forever you may end up disappointed over and over

Zanatdy · 15/01/2023 07:03

I’d also get the ick if my DH only came onto me when steaming drunk. Who wants sex with someone who is steaming? Doubt he would have been able to perform anyway. If he wants sex again. Why not do it when sober? Are you able to speak to him about this? Maybe it can initiate a conversation about your marriage and if it’s salvageable. It might be worth cutting your losses now OP and moving on. You could be flogging a dead horse. Only you know if you think things could change enough to save your marriage

Mamaneedsadrink · 15/01/2023 07:20

Why are you together? Just leave

Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 07:28

try emotion focused couples therapy

also
my STBX did this - there was an OW!

MickeyMouseShithouse · 15/01/2023 07:37

I’d never forgive someone I married who signed up to a dating website.. let alone one specific to having an affair. Even making the account then deleting it, it took thought and the thought alone is wrong, but to turn the thought into something physical is unforgivable and would abolish any and all trust in the relationship.

that said - your DH sounds like he might feel the same way but is just living with it. You two need to sit down, talk about how to come back from this rut and how you both feel about separating. Exploring your options together is going to be the best way forward.