Suddenly realised I’m not attracted to DH anymore. What am I supposed to do?

[Weirdrose]

Have been with DH for 10 years, married for 7. 1 dc. I’m mid thirties, he is mid forties.

We’ve always had mismatched sex drives. Mine is quite high and DH not so much, though this didn’t really become an issue until the last few years.

It began to dwindle, then it was only when I instigated it. He stopped ‘giving’ me anything in return. He would happily accept blowjobs or a quickly but anything for me/kissing/foreplay went out of the window. Eventually I had to stop instigating as I’d be constantly rejected, and I hated feeling like a sex pest. It’s been completely none existent for the last 10 months.

We’ve talked about it so many times in the past. Dh even went to the gp and got diagnosed with low testosterone and a prescription for viagra. But he never followed up with any of the other appointments, blood tests or prescriptions. He didn’t seem to care and at this point I’ve had to assume he just doesn’t want to.

I won’t lie, I even considered having an affair. I started noticing attractive men and fantasising about them. I even signed up on an affairs dating website, which lasted all of two minutes before I was horrified by the influx of messages and guiltily deleted the account! It’s definitely not something I could ever do, so not an option. I was beginning to plan a life without him, as even though I love him, I can’t live the rest of my life without any passion or intimacy.

The thing is, the last month or two or so DH has begun to make advances. But only when very drunk at the weekend.

And my physical reaction shocked me. I was absolutely repulsed. And a little offended (I’ve been taking even more care of my physical appearance, but he has to be steaming to even consider it?!).

I’ve been craving this so much, but I felt awkward and very uncomfortable. My skin crawled. And we’ve just had an argument because now he doesn’t understand why as ‘this is what you want isn’t it’. And I don’t really understand either.

It’s a long shot I know, but has anyone experienced or found a way to get over something like this?

So unless they want to put their sex life before the child’s home and family, it’s not as simple as “just leave

its not just ‘sex life’ though !?

its not a passionate relationship that’s dwindled to once a week and something ‘friendly’

its op living every day with someone who isn’t truly married , or wedded to her as a woman

the child’s home and family will exist in a different form , and certainly is the critical factor in planning a split and timelines

women used to have to stay in such miserable unions as they had NO other options

we do now - as praise be , we work

No. You are entirely correct. There is no “just” when it comes to the constant renewal of the spousal bond. It requires attention, work to get faded colours lovely again, carefully balanced to compromise between sometimes wildly different needs as time passes and appetites wax or wane due “life rain”, age and physical/emotional pain (like in the many months after birth when you feel as though a lorry ran you over, reversed to make sure it got you, and one more for luck as it speeds off leaving you with tiny, pink limpet demanding 24/7 care. Or bereavement. Or a plummet in confidence etc.)

It’s not “just”. It’s a big and very important thing.

However, a miserable union can be approached from a variety of angles. There are many resources, for all personality types. Not all require your spouse to be on board. Taking care of yourself, mind body & soul, to gift yourself a better tomorrow, can get you into a place where you are better equipped to tackle any lacks in your marriage less emotionally, more practically.

That has to be worth many, many proper “shoulder to the wheel” tries before potentially handing your bucket of pain for your kid to carry on your behalf. With much much smaller & weaker arms.

If children are resilient, there can be no magic disappearance of said resilient on or around the entry to adulthood. Adult resilience in the face of things they got no say in, don’t want, and have no power of veto over needs to be pulled into play and worked to the absolute max, persistently, with all avenues explored. A lot. A long time before children are asked to take the adult’s place on Miserable Hill and see if it damages them, and to what degree.

It is possible to get it back. With therapy and hard work. Our counsellor told me sex was like smoking - once you start, it gets easier and you want it more, but if you go cold turkey you then hate the smell of cigarettes and try not to be around them. She told us to schedule sex and do whatever was needed to make it happen. After a while it started to get back ‘in the zone’ - I think attraction is an action and a reaction - the less intimacy you have, the less you are inclined to want it. Good luck :-)

The less you have it the more it seems wrong is true with married sex. I think it has to be steady, when it wanes it gets more weird and not natural.
My answer when it happened to me was to up the non sexual care. Touch, hugs, stroke his face, coudle, hand hold when out. Anything to build intamcy. This only works though if he's reciprocal

I don't think you can recover from being repulsed by your partner. You may be able to suspend your revulsion for moments during sex while you think of someone else, but it's always there. I did sex therapy and it was a bit like being gently coerced into believing that sex with a family member is ok. It just felt wrong and bad.

You could both admit you don't fancy each other anymore and stay together without the pressure of sex, it's just you're a bit young for that if you both still want sex, but not with each other.

I wonder if it is even about sex. There are loads of threads on mn where typically (not always) the woman is saying the partner/husband is not doing a thing or is doing a thing which is having a huge impact on the woman. Some examples I remember are a partner who doesn't look after their health, is overweight, won't go to dentist, won't get a job, won't help with kids, won't help in the house, won't drive, controls the finances, and so on.

The common factor always seems to be it's having an impact on the woman and the partner appears not to know or not to care. This then compounds the original concern and it grows.

I don't know the answer but I suspect the problem is routed elsewhere and the sex or lack thereof is a symptom. I am no expert so feel free to ignore me.

Some of the stuff I have read is you need to be sure you clearly articulate your needs so there is no doubt. I don't think that really works but in some instances it might.

you can't be serious? If you're married and took vows then yes it's cheating. End the marriage then screw whoever you want.

If you honestly think forcing celibacy on your OH is alright, don't have a relationship.

My marriage was like this, no sex, we couldn't bear to be in the same room as each other. I did like you tried a dating site but went one stage further & met someone, it gave me the kick up the backside to leave him, I have never regretted it once. If you know it is over, do something about it. It is like ripping a plaster off, the quicker it is over, the less it will hurt.

Oh dear. Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage. Not wanting sex is one thing, but if he won't kiss you or hug you then he's not close to you emotionally, so what's the point? And now he's gaslighting you into staying with him.

It sounds like your relationship is over. For whatever reason, he can't or won't give you what you want. He prefers wanking to porn to making love to you.

I'd cut your losses and find a man who will love you the way you want to be loved.

How are you @Weirdrose

Some people say disgust is a sign of a breached boundary, maybe you’re disgusted because he is not being authentic and this does make sex really weird imo
You are presumably hoping for a different, better kind of sexual connection with your partner than him needing to get pissed to cope with sex. It sounds like perhaps he’s drinking in order to get past some anxiety.
you can’t know what’s going on for him, unless he is willing to talk to you about it, but you can investigate what’s going on with yourself at least, it sounds very lonely what you’re going through at the moment. A good therapist might be able to help you unpack your side of things.
you may also be able to do sex therapy on your own, and it may be useful. Our primary sexual relationship is with ourselves and there’s a load to explore and learn in that.
Good luck, you can’t help how you feel and trying not to feel that way is likely to only exacerbate it. Be kind to yourself and to him, I’m sure you’re both trying to do your best