Suddenly realised I’m not attracted to DH anymore. What am I supposed to do?

[Weirdrose]

Have been with DH for 10 years, married for 7. 1 dc. I’m mid thirties, he is mid forties.

We’ve always had mismatched sex drives. Mine is quite high and DH not so much, though this didn’t really become an issue until the last few years.

It began to dwindle, then it was only when I instigated it. He stopped ‘giving’ me anything in return. He would happily accept blowjobs or a quickly but anything for me/kissing/foreplay went out of the window. Eventually I had to stop instigating as I’d be constantly rejected, and I hated feeling like a sex pest. It’s been completely none existent for the last 10 months.

We’ve talked about it so many times in the past. Dh even went to the gp and got diagnosed with low testosterone and a prescription for viagra. But he never followed up with any of the other appointments, blood tests or prescriptions. He didn’t seem to care and at this point I’ve had to assume he just doesn’t want to.

I won’t lie, I even considered having an affair. I started noticing attractive men and fantasising about them. I even signed up on an affairs dating website, which lasted all of two minutes before I was horrified by the influx of messages and guiltily deleted the account! It’s definitely not something I could ever do, so not an option. I was beginning to plan a life without him, as even though I love him, I can’t live the rest of my life without any passion or intimacy.

The thing is, the last month or two or so DH has begun to make advances. But only when very drunk at the weekend.

And my physical reaction shocked me. I was absolutely repulsed. And a little offended (I’ve been taking even more care of my physical appearance, but he has to be steaming to even consider it?!).

I’ve been craving this so much, but I felt awkward and very uncomfortable. My skin crawled. And we’ve just had an argument because now he doesn’t understand why as ‘this is what you want isn’t it’. And I don’t really understand either.

It’s a long shot I know, but has anyone experienced or found a way to get over something like this?

He doesn’t sound attracted to you either so the relationship is probably over for both of you

I'd cut your losses.
Once women feel this way, things have got pretty bad.
Of course you don't fancy him. He isn't treating you kindly or as if he fancies you.
I also would guess ED, gay or other woman. He could be one of those men with a madonna-whore complex so once you had kids, that was it for him. You became like his mother to him.
Who knows?
He certainly doesn't care enough to tell you.

I'd recommend leaving if feasible. It's a good enough reason to leave in my books. I never saw marriage as an investment in having a carer aged 85 (like a poster upthread ... mistake for women btw, unless you marry someone a lot younger)

Have you considered your dh angle on this. The drunken approaches sound to me like it could be lack of confidence/ nerves / some other worry that he is unable to articulate. Performance anxiety?

It is not very clear how much you have discussed this all with him?

I'm in the marriage is forever camp. For me this means arguing all the time about the dishwasher.😁
With that mindset I don't think you consider whether you still fancy your dh, it is like trying to decide whether you still want to be sisters with your sister.

Not helpful perhaps but another perspective

Why did he not pursue further bloods and treatment?

Presumably he knew his low testosterone was affecting your marriage, yet he ignored it - no wonder you’re feeling disengaged, and I’d imagine anyone in this situation would feel revolted at a drunken pass at you.

Are there any children?

Definitely cut your losses and go find some happiness.

Is it worth one last very direct conversation?. E.g. couples counselling and following through on the results of the blood tests or from your perspective the marriage is over? It depends whether the rest of the marriage is good and worth saving.

Totally understand why you feel as you do though, and the dating site is v understandable as a moment of desperation

Have you got kids OP? That makes a difference.

He’s got his own issues - it seems he now needs a drink to try and sleep with you - something is amiss with him. He’s rejecting you sexually - he’s not being truthful.

Wow! some really cold answers on here OP sorry. I think your main concern after reading is you didn't feel sexually wanted by your husband, no sex life for nearly a year and now he's got wasted and tried it on you have the ick?
That's a perfectly normal response imo, you want to feel it's genuine. Your bodies response is " this doesn't feel arousing,passionate,real" so you feel disengaged and repulsed.
My advice is just tell him, I'm not turned on by drunk sex these days but let's try for an early night and try again.
I really understand how it's making you feel OP and sympathize, feeling your husband doesn't want you sexually is devastating and can affect your self worth, image, and general emotional happiness. And it's lonely.

What's ED?

Morning all.

Dh hasn’t really changed much in appearance, I can still see that he is physically attractive. That’s why I was so surprised at how visceral my reaction was when he actually started to (drunkenly) come on to me again.

I’m not sure why he suddenly started making drunken advances. I understand that it might be a confidence thing but it’s upsetting that he has to be so drunk. I’ve told him that but it hasn’t stopped it.

DH would never accept an open marriage, he’s can sometimes be very jealous. I’m not sure I could do it either, I’m craving intimacy so much I would be worried that I’d fall in love with the first man to give me a hug/kiss!

I have wanted to avoid a divorce. Because despite this huge issue (for me at least) I love him.

DD is 7.

I think you need to sit him down and be clear how you feel and how bad things are. Ask why he didn't follow up on the low testosterone diagnosis? Frankly can't see why they gave Viagra when sorting hormones might have done it. Whilst viagra is clearly a saver for e is nothing better than knowing your DH is finding you attractive and has a very strong erection as a result.

See what he says but don't string it out. Life is too short and the world is full of women that do and eventually make the break and regret not doing it earlier

Does he have other issues that could be causing him low mood/depression?

It’s possible he’s in an ever worsening spiral of low mood, low sex drive, shame and low confidence. Dysfunction in sex or desire is a huge thing for men & causes crippling shame so (often) they don’t talk about it or sort it out so it all just gets worse & worse.

Perhaps he’s using drink for courage now as he can see that you are on the verge of leaving. Terrible strategy of course but he’s probably not thinking straight & now you have (understandably) knocked him back on a couple of occasions he’s probably feeling worse.

Unless he can get to a place where he will deal with the issue sensibly (follow up with the gp, have some therapy for underlying issues) then none of it will change. But you can’t make him do that OP and even if he does your own desire for him may not return.

You need to look after yourself & the kids as best you can - you only have one life & you deserve to live it to the fullest.

I think you need to explain this is a deal breaker and he either seeks support for his sexual issues, or the marriage ends. That may make him sort out some follow up

You visceral reaction likely comes from the rejection you have been experiencing from him. I think this is going to take a lot to work through if you go that direction and you will need the support of a therapist.

By any chance would the drunken seduction attempts have started round about the time you told him about the dating site? Could it be that the dating site conversation has made him realise how seriously wrong things are right now and he thinks that all that’s needed to fix things is sex?

You being repulsed is absolutely understandable. First he made you feel like a sex pest, now he appears to need to be drunk to want to be intimate with you? Why would anyone find that attractive?

If he was quite happy not to make any effort sexually previously AND not follow up on this issue medically, it says a lot about how he values you. I suspect that he’s now panicking because he knows you are at a point where things have to change for you, and that means he needs to take action.

As others have suggested, a cards on the table conversation is needed I think. Be honest - being asked for sex by a drunk man is awful. If he decides to do nothing after you speak with him, you then have to decide how you want to go forward.

you’re allowed to be happy too

You've had some truly horrible messages on this thread. Take your time to process your feelings, talk to trusted friends or a counsellor IRL. Keep talking to your husband and try to get to the bottom of why he's making (only) drunken advances

You have a child together so even if you do end up separating it would help to do it on the best terms possible for good future co-parenting.

All of you posters being nasty under the guise of "tough love/straight talking", fuck off back to AIBU where you belong.

You don't deserve to suffer, kindly tell him how he has been has affected you and you need to leave him- do what's best and put yourself first, I've been in your shoes and it made me so miserable

Is your disgust because he is drunk? If so I understand. I was in a relationship that lacked intimacy after the first few months but as it was my first sexual experience I had nothing to compare it with. I do understand how soul destroying it is to crave intimacy and to feel like some sort of sex pest-awful. I think a frank discussion about things is needed before you make any decisions. Do you both want to stay together? If so what would marriage lmoving forward look like for you both? Good luck

There’s a lot more going on here than you not fancying him. The bit that stood out for me is you talking about feeling like a “sex pest” for trying to retain intimacy in your marriage. I wonder whether, at that point, you mentally put him into a “not for shagging” box in your head because you wanted to avoid putting pressure on him. And there he remains, so now his drunken advances are repellent to you. I can imagine your frustration also that you’ve put so much work into trying to keep things going and have had to deal with a lot of rejection, and now he thinks he can just get pissed and expect a shag. In your shoes, that would make me feel very angry.

I think you have two options-1) leave or 2) work together to rebuild intimacy from the ground up. People will suggest a therapist for this but you could do it without if you’re both committed to communicating and making it work. Just start off with cuddling, sex completely off the table, and he has to be sober, and go from there.

If he's started making advances albeit drunk, im wondering if he has been to the dr and has basically lost his nerve to approach you, like a nervous teenager!

Sex therapy could definitely be a solution to saving the marriage, or it could be a good gp who can gain you dh's confidence to try things

Your revulsion is because of the deep resentment that has accumulated over the last few years, which is understandable.

You can't just tidy up resentment and pack it away neatly on a shelf and get on with feeling bright and positive again. Because resentment is your unconcious telling you not to forget what Weirdrose has experienced, and urging you not to short-change her.

You sound sexually incompatible, which would be OK if sex didn't matter to you. The chances of him changing sound rather slim. From what you say, I find it hard to picture him suddenly turning into a bloke who can ever approach you with the raw and honest desire you're missing. And I completely understand you not wanting to go to your grave without ever experiencing that again.

I wonder why he started making an effort (if you can call it that) over the past month. Maybe he is aware that things are slipping away completely and being drunk is the only way he can face what needs doing. Gay, maybe? Or just not bothered?

I agree entirely with this. From what you have written OP, I don’t think it is surprising or odd that you feel how you do. I think talking to a therapist by yourself, for yourself, might help. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like he has a mental block, for whatever reason, regarding intimacy with you. And we all know alcohol is the greatest way to break down mental blocks, it lowers inhibitions.

For what it's worth I don't think you're a bad person for considering affairs websites etc - the main thing is you didn't go through with it. It was a temporary thought which you didn't act on. Typical Mumsnet responses becoming outraged and hysterical over the slightest thing that could be considered cheating.

I do think your marriage has come to an end though, I'm sorry. Once you've got the ick that's it.

OP