Suddenly realised I’m not attracted to DH anymore. What am I supposed to do?

[Weirdrose]

Have been with DH for 10 years, married for 7. 1 dc. I’m mid thirties, he is mid forties.

We’ve always had mismatched sex drives. Mine is quite high and DH not so much, though this didn’t really become an issue until the last few years.

It began to dwindle, then it was only when I instigated it. He stopped ‘giving’ me anything in return. He would happily accept blowjobs or a quickly but anything for me/kissing/foreplay went out of the window. Eventually I had to stop instigating as I’d be constantly rejected, and I hated feeling like a sex pest. It’s been completely none existent for the last 10 months.

We’ve talked about it so many times in the past. Dh even went to the gp and got diagnosed with low testosterone and a prescription for viagra. But he never followed up with any of the other appointments, blood tests or prescriptions. He didn’t seem to care and at this point I’ve had to assume he just doesn’t want to.

I won’t lie, I even considered having an affair. I started noticing attractive men and fantasising about them. I even signed up on an affairs dating website, which lasted all of two minutes before I was horrified by the influx of messages and guiltily deleted the account! It’s definitely not something I could ever do, so not an option. I was beginning to plan a life without him, as even though I love him, I can’t live the rest of my life without any passion or intimacy.

The thing is, the last month or two or so DH has begun to make advances. But only when very drunk at the weekend.

And my physical reaction shocked me. I was absolutely repulsed. And a little offended (I’ve been taking even more care of my physical appearance, but he has to be steaming to even consider it?!).

I’ve been craving this so much, but I felt awkward and very uncomfortable. My skin crawled. And we’ve just had an argument because now he doesn’t understand why as ‘this is what you want isn’t it’. And I don’t really understand either.

It’s a long shot I know, but has anyone experienced or found a way to get over something like this?

I’m afraid it’s called divorce

sorry I’m a bitter old mare but I don’t believe any more that the long term hetero monogamous model really works for everyone

two questions

are you ready to be single- as of you split there’s no guarantee you meet a life partner (sex yes , compatible life partner not as easy !)

can you imagine fixing this , really seriously ? So proper communication and then spending time to explore each other bodies and stuff

Sorry! Posted by accident!

Anyway, OP says he is happy to accept a BJ or have a quickie, but isn't interested in doing anything for her. He is not interested in your pleasure and hasn't followed up on his medical investigations, i'm not surprised his drunken advances aren't welcome

Would you say your marriage is over op?

It's okay to admit that to yourself. You've got the so called ick and fancying other men. It's okay to pull the plug andwalk away. You don't need permission.

As they say, get your ducks in a row and start planning for a new life. The fact he has to be drunk would kill it for me too.

Everyone deserves to feel desired if they wish to be.

I'm glad you told him about the website. Secrets breed lies. What was his reaction to this?

Are you sure you're not attracted to him anymore or is it that his behaviour / attitude repulsed you? My view of how attractive my partner is varies according to how close I feel to him and whether he has irritated or disappointed me in some way.

Sorry if that sounds callous or transactional, but often lack of attraction where it previously existed can be the result of underlying issues. In your case he seems to have made no effort to improve things, not following up on prescriptions etc, and I can see that would lead to resentment and maybe disgust on your part.

I wouldn't urge you to leave just yet - if you can't communicate well without support, therapy could help.

just leave him if you're that unhappy.

Why is this trotted out regularly as a solution?

I don’t blame you for not finding him attractive anymore. You obviously don’t want to force him to have sex with you but he knows it is a big issue, went to the doctor once and never followed up to try and fix the issue, so he is obviously fine with the status quo then gets drunk, not attractive in its self then expects you to just jump at the chance.
This situation has become an issue that could end your marriage. He needs to know this and his actions will show you if he wants to try, or if you both need to move on.

Thé issue here is your reaction to him initiating sex.

im not saying you are wrong! But I think it’s the sign that something deeper has been going on. Maybe resentment, indifference, seeing him as a friend instead of a sexual partner. Whatever.
But I don’t think it’s possible to come back from that.

Btw I know you say you love him.

I think you love him as a friend if a brother. Someone you are really close to, you have a long shared history and dreams.
But I’m not sure you love him as a partner anymore.

I do think you have to have those deep conversations with or without a counsellor. I suspect that won't be easy. I suspect he may have buried his head in the sand a little. There is a problem and he doesn't know how to fix it.

His lack of following up on the bloods suggest he doesn't want to fix it and kinda suggests there is an advantage to him in not having a sex drive. That confuses me but I guess it could be more head in the sand behaviour.

I had a friend in a very similar position and she did have affairs. She tried talking to him and got nowhere. Eventually she told me that they had a frank conversation and he revealed something that explained it all. She never told me the details to protect his privacy. It was resolved and they are still together many years later.

Similar happened with my first husband although it was me that lost my sex drive following an unplanned pregnancy. I tried but never ever got tge desire back for him. We tried relationship therapy, date nights, spending time together just touching and cuddling each other but unfortunately after 5 years of trying he still left me cold. It was awful for him, I know he felt so rejected, but also awful for me as I felt like a failure as a wife and partner.

We did get divorced and went on to marry other people and have a successful sex life again. Well I presume his was successful anyway. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but I do sympathise so much. It really is soul destroying living like that.

He’s not putting any effort in to a very important part of marriage. It’s normal to have an active sex life. It’s NOT normal for one person to take that off the table.

Is it salvageable? Only if you dance to his tune.

you’re mid thirties. Is this how you want to live?

Sounds like he isn't attracted to you either to be honest. Someone who won't give you any foreplay and only makes advances when drunk? Tells a story I'm afraid.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron why not? She loves him, wants to keep her family together but also wants her needs met and isn't attracted to her husband anymore. What's the problem with considering that as an option so long as both parties are comfortable and consent to it?

You're only in your mid thirties. Who would be attracted to a man who treats you like a sex pest, lets you do all the work, doesn't follow up with the medical tests and then makes advance when drunk? I would really wonder whether he was gay. Sex is obviously important to you (and there is nothing wrong with that) so I'd think a divorce is the only option.

Sadly after a talk with DH this afternoon I think a divorce is very likely to be the outcome.

He claimed but to remember last night, his advances or our argument afterwards.

He is still insisting that he fancies and loves me, that he really does care but just ‘hadn’t got around’ to going to the gp again for the follow ups. But that he will, eventually.

He is insistent that he doesn’t want us to break up, and that everything is ok really. I’ll ‘get over’ how I’m feeling. He just thinks I should persuade him more.

He said he is not that bothered about sex but got very upset at me wanting to have sex. He said it was a horrible reason to leave a family, that I would be selfish and everyone would think I was awful. Including dd.

It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I say that I’m really not happy, or that sex (and kissing/cuddles) is important to me, and that I want him to WANT to be intimate and that ‘persuading’ him has destroyed my self esteem and made me feel awful.

He didn’t want to hear that I was repulsed by his advances, he just seems to think that I’m saying it because I’m angry at him and to get back at him.

It felt like I was attempting to debate with a brick wall.

Sorry OP, sounds like he’s in total denial. He’s wrong, you’re not selfish.

Ignore the shitty replies.

You really need to communicate over this if the relationship is to last, otherwise I think it’s over. Why doesn’t he want any intimacy and why only when drunk? Youve got to find the root cause here. It’s a deal breaker for you so I would sign up for counselling together and tell him effort is required or it’s over for you.

What’s your gut telling you? He doesn’t fancy you or low confidence or gay or.. what would your best guess be as to why he’s not bothered. Low sex drive is one thing but no affection/attraction is not the same thing. Xx

Debated whether to share this as its mortifying, but what the hell.

I’m not proud of this but checked DH’s pc earlier. I was actually wondering if there would be any indication he was gay in there as earlier posts made me question it, though I had no prior suspicion. Strangely enough I thought it would make me feel better if he was.

Came back immediately to bite me on the arse though. It was full of regular/hardcore straight porn that he has been watching quite regularly. So he does actually have a sex drive, just not for me.

Which was quite the emotional punch to the stomach.

God there's some arsesholes on here please ignore them. I thought your post was open and honest. You went on a website felt guilty then deleted it, it's not cheating. What I can see is a woman in her prime that wants love and affection off her husband, who has rejected her and didn't seek help to solve the issue, he then gets wasted and then wants to be intimate. I'd leave op your young enough to meet someone else who will value you

Unfortunately I agree that a divorce is in the cards.
But not because if the lack of sex.
But because he is not listening to you, your needs and wants, your feelings. Instead he is making it’s all your fault. He is putting the blame on you for wanting a sex life, for not asking enough, for asking too much etc…
On his pov, life is good. HIS needs are fulfilled so he is expecting you to just accept this is life rather than making the effort to go and see his GP.

Fwiw I suspect that low testosterone means he doesn’t miss sex. And need a much higher stimulation level for get aroused (hence the hard core porn), somethinghe won’t get in RL. Also explains why he doesn’t care about going back to see the GP. Why should he if he doesn’t miss it and it doesn’t affect his quality if life….

Weirdrose

im sorry
must have been a sucker punch to say the least
but you know , and that will help decision making
but really sorry you feel shit

Drunk men ARE revolting when you’re not also drunk - maybe it was just that?

Why do you think you have to 'get over' your own feelings?

He is a dick to you and you no longer fancy him.
It's divorce time. Obviously.

It felt like I was attempting to debate with a brick wall

Let somebody else to it for you.

Ask around you friendship circles and see if anybody can lean you Jordan Peterson, Beyond Order, 12 more rules for life. In the audio abridged version from itunes the chapter you need was chapter 10, I think. Probably the same in the hard-copy.

Anyway, it’s about marriage, there is a lot of time spelling out what this kind of issues this creates, how badly it can end up, and what to do about it. It gave me food for thought spoken as a man to man heard by a woman. Man to man, heard by a man might reach parts a female voice can’t reach. IYSWIM.

Might bounce straight off him. But got to be worth a try before the foundation of your relationship crumbles under all three of you.

It certainly lit a fire up my arse. It wasn’t a comforting truth to admit I spent a lot more time thinking about what I want & need from DH, and considerable little about what he might want & need from me. We aren’t n the edge of divorce (well not now, when DS was in primary school we barely got through some rocky times) , but covid followed by war breaking out was a strain on both of us, and us as a couple, even if we didn’t realise it right away. Plus the transition from being hands on parents, to married couple with an adult child. I got the book for other reasons, but that chapter helped me work out a fairly frictionless route to righting our boat before anybody got seasick.