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Original poster

Boyfriend disappeared abroad for a month!

125 replies

Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:11

Don’t really know what I’m posting for, guess it’s just be good to get some perspectives on if I’m in any kind of a viable relationship, or if it’s even a relationship at all!

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 years, nothing has been rushed, we see each other once or twice a week, and as we both have our own businesses, and I have a child, sometimes it can be a few weeks at a time where we don’t see each other when times are busy.

We own a campervan together that we use for long weekends away, but last year we didn’t have a holiday together. He couldn’t commit to any dates, and then last minute he booked to go to a festival without telling me and took the campervan. It was too late for me to arrange childcare, so I just had to accept he was doing it alone.

This year, I made Christmas plans to have Christmas and Boxing Day with my son, and was going to join him at his parents the day after, for a couple of days. A few weeks before he said that he was really sorry, but him and his parents had now booked flights to go to Vietnam the day after Boxing Day.

I was upset, and cried a little as I felt very unimportant to him. He apologised and said his dad had booked the flights, and he’d checked if the outbound flight could be changed but it couldn’t. Then he said that the return flights are flexible and so he’s not sure when he’s returning. Since 21st December we’ve only spoken once, and he’s still not back or giving any dates when he might return. I saw him online this afternoon so assumed he had Wi-Fi, so called on WhatsApp and he didn’t pick up. It would have been around 10:30pm where he is, so unlikely to have been disturbing much.

I don’t feel like a particularly needy person, but I sometimes struggle to understand how he feels about me, and when I ask him he gets quite awkward and makes it seem like I’m insecure. If I just stay in the moment and enjoy the times we are together we do really get on, and in many ways we feel like I great fit. It just feels his need for space is enormous, and it makes me wonder if this is a relationship at all. Or just friends with benefits that I’ve convinced myself could be something more.

Help me wise women!! Is this the kind of relationship that has worked for anyone before, or is it destined to just fizzle out?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 14/01/2023 18:15

He hasn't "disappeared", he's gone on holiday. It's fine.

nova99 · 14/01/2023 18:15

Do you know of his parents are back in the UK?

minticecreamisjustok · 14/01/2023 18:16

You've only spoken once in about 3 weeks, he's avoiding seeing you, so I'd assume it's over. I find this hard to believe he hadn't planned this in advance given the short notice that you found out.

SuperHandss · 14/01/2023 18:19

I would assume it’s over. It sounds so casual.

what would you like from a relationship?

COL1N · 14/01/2023 18:19

How can his parents have surprised him with a month holiday, doesnt he work?! Totally BS I reckon, he is avoiding you. Sorry x

Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:20

nova99 · 14/01/2023 18:15

Do you know of his parents are back in the UK?

No idea. When I last spoke to him he made it sound like he might not go back with them. I’m not close with them and they don’t do social media, so I’d have no way of knowing when they are back tbh.

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 14/01/2023 18:22

Whose name is the camper van in? I wouldn’t let him have it if it’s in your name, who paid for it? He sounds selfish!

Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:25

COL1N · 14/01/2023 18:19

How can his parents have surprised him with a month holiday, doesnt he work?! Totally BS I reckon, he is avoiding you. Sorry x

He’s self employed in an outdoor job, so work is quiet this time of year, so it’s not quite as bullshit as it sounds. But it’s the lack of contact. It does feel like he’s avoiding me. And it’s not like I’m exactly demanding daily contact, so I don’t feel like it’s because I’m overwhelming. Unless this is normal in some relationships, and like the first poster suggests, he’s just on holiday and needs to be left alone!

OP posts:
minticecreamisjustok · 14/01/2023 18:26

I hate to say it but he might of gone with another woman and not his parents? seems a bit weird not to have any contact even if you try to call.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 18:26

Are they on holiday or visiting relatives? It does seem odd to go away with no return date. No reason he can’t have sent a few messages as sure he’s had some wifi at some points.

I recently started seeing an ex colleague and it’s tricky to find time to see each other as he has custody of his kids and they are young. I am a single parent and my ex is overseas working so now my eldest has gone back to Uni it’s impossible for me to stay over when I do see him which is upsetting (as it’s 45 mins each way driving wise) but that’s only for 2 more months.

He has said the kids mother should be seeing them regularly soon and I’m hoping that will help as once a week I can cope with, but sometimes it’s been once every 2wks which is a bit long. As it’s early days I’m ok with that (doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could see more of him as my kids don’t need babysitters in evening now so I’ve got a lot of spare time, but do see friends a lot). If this is still the situation in a years time it will be very tough I’d imagine. Do you spent time with him and your child together? I think a lot of the reason we don’t see much of each other right now is because our children aren’t aware as it’s only been 2 months. Hopefully another 6 months time that might have changed.

I’d be wondering if the relationship is over OP. He’s definitely acting strangely if he’s still interested

nova99 · 14/01/2023 18:30

You would think that if you cared for someone, you would want to share your adventures with them. So a phone call at least, pics and videos of stuff he has found interesting etc. It's just what you do. I would of contacted friends more than he has contacted you.
Sorry OP 🙁

amiold · 14/01/2023 18:30

This is bizarre.
Get your half of the van back and move on

JustDrama · 14/01/2023 18:31

Have you called him via a normal telephone call (not WhatsApp) to see if it gives you an international ring tone?

Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:32

It’s possible I suppose! I started feeling strange/anxious about it all today, and not feeling particularly reassured at him not picking up my call :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:33

In my name, on my drive. He paid me half.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:34

Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:33

In my name, on my drive. He paid me half.

Sorry, reply function not replying’! That’s about the van.

OP posts:
Fudgemaker · 14/01/2023 18:36

Don't blame you for being upset, after 2 years he appears very casual and uncommitted. If you want more then I think you should take this opportunity to move on

FlowerArranger · 14/01/2023 18:36

Your his FWB, I'm afraid.

Since this is causing you anxiety, it's time to end it.

And sell the van, because this only muddied the issue.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 14/01/2023 18:36

Have you met any of his family and friends? Socialised with others as a couple?

I find it really hard to believe the “last minute unplanned trip to Vietnam for a month”.

Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:38

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 18:26

Are they on holiday or visiting relatives? It does seem odd to go away with no return date. No reason he can’t have sent a few messages as sure he’s had some wifi at some points.

I recently started seeing an ex colleague and it’s tricky to find time to see each other as he has custody of his kids and they are young. I am a single parent and my ex is overseas working so now my eldest has gone back to Uni it’s impossible for me to stay over when I do see him which is upsetting (as it’s 45 mins each way driving wise) but that’s only for 2 more months.

He has said the kids mother should be seeing them regularly soon and I’m hoping that will help as once a week I can cope with, but sometimes it’s been once every 2wks which is a bit long. As it’s early days I’m ok with that (doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could see more of him as my kids don’t need babysitters in evening now so I’ve got a lot of spare time, but do see friends a lot). If this is still the situation in a years time it will be very tough I’d imagine. Do you spent time with him and your child together? I think a lot of the reason we don’t see much of each other right now is because our children aren’t aware as it’s only been 2 months. Hopefully another 6 months time that might have changed.

I’d be wondering if the relationship is over OP. He’s definitely acting strangely if he’s still interested

No, just a holiday. I hope your situation works out. I think after 2 years this is the worry, it’s not going anywhere.

I’m not keen on getting him to spend more time with me and my son if I am this uncertain about what is happening between us.

OP posts:
gingerhamster · 14/01/2023 18:38

Hbh17 · 14/01/2023 18:15

He hasn't "disappeared", he's gone on holiday. It's fine.

I wouldn't call going somewhere with a "flexible return ticket" simply going on holiday, especially if you're in a relationship of two years. It's odd behaviour and I'm not convinced he's with his parents.

AllOfThemWitches · 14/01/2023 18:41

Not seeing each other 'for a few weeks' would not work for me but if it does for you, I don't see a problem with his holiday.

Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:42

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 14/01/2023 18:36

Have you met any of his family and friends? Socialised with others as a couple?

I find it really hard to believe the “last minute unplanned trip to Vietnam for a month”.

I met his family, and we’ve socialised with my friends. But yes, it’s a bone of contention. I don’t really feel part of his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamieventhinking · 14/01/2023 18:43

I just don’t know why he’d string me along for 2 years if there’s someone else out there?! Why not just finish things and be with them?

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 14/01/2023 18:44

You are probably not his only FWB. This guy likes a bit of variety and isnt looking for a committed relationship.

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