Boyfriend disappeared abroad for a month!

[Whatamieventhinking]

Don’t really know what I’m posting for, guess it’s just be good to get some perspectives on if I’m in any kind of a viable relationship, or if it’s even a relationship at all!

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 years, nothing has been rushed, we see each other once or twice a week, and as we both have our own businesses, and I have a child, sometimes it can be a few weeks at a time where we don’t see each other when times are busy.

We own a campervan together that we use for long weekends away, but last year we didn’t have a holiday together. He couldn’t commit to any dates, and then last minute he booked to go to a festival without telling me and took the campervan. It was too late for me to arrange childcare, so I just had to accept he was doing it alone.

This year, I made Christmas plans to have Christmas and Boxing Day with my son, and was going to join him at his parents the day after, for a couple of days. A few weeks before he said that he was really sorry, but him and his parents had now booked flights to go to Vietnam the day after Boxing Day.

I was upset, and cried a little as I felt very unimportant to him. He apologised and said his dad had booked the flights, and he’d checked if the outbound flight could be changed but it couldn’t. Then he said that the return flights are flexible and so he’s not sure when he’s returning. Since 21st December we’ve only spoken once, and he’s still not back or giving any dates when he might return. I saw him online this afternoon so assumed he had Wi-Fi, so called on WhatsApp and he didn’t pick up. It would have been around 10:30pm where he is, so unlikely to have been disturbing much.

I don’t feel like a particularly needy person, but I sometimes struggle to understand how he feels about me, and when I ask him he gets quite awkward and makes it seem like I’m insecure. If I just stay in the moment and enjoy the times we are together we do really get on, and in many ways we feel like I great fit. It just feels his need for space is enormous, and it makes me wonder if this is a relationship at all. Or just friends with benefits that I’ve convinced myself could be something more.

Help me wise women!! Is this the kind of relationship that has worked for anyone before, or is it destined to just fizzle out?

You deserve better. Vietnam has the internet. He could call you. He hasn’t. He’s missed speaking to you over Christmas and new years. He sounds like a coward who can’t even give you a respectful ending to the relationship.
He’s probably planning on not officially ending it in case he wants to pick up where he left off last month.
Don’t give him the option. You are not just a fall back plan.
You deserve more.

I'd say break up with him in your head, ghost him and see what happens, if he contacts you and asks what's going on tell him, 100% honesty about what you want and need from your relationship. My partner and I got together 18months ago (late 40s early 50s) and the first thing we agreed was total honesty, too old for playing games and bu*sht. I hope you work it out, but if not better off on your ownthan with someone who makes you feel like this 😞

This is not really much of a relationship is it?

After two years it still all sounds very casual and he doesn't see you as a priority in his life.

He probably is dating other women too.

I would not settle for that and simply move on.

The old saying 'he's just not that into you' fits here. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like a real relationship. Not 2 years down the line.
I'd cut your loses and move on.

Sounds like this relationship is no longer making you happy and he’s not treating you with respect. Sounds like it’s entirely on his terms. I think you deserve better.

You’ve got a camper van together and yet he couldn’t go on holiday with you as he was too busy. Nope. Step back. Leave him to it. Plenty more fish and all that. You deserve more !

if they like you they’ll let you know and you won’t be confused!

I need to get this framed and put above my bed! 😂

its very sad coming to the reality that I’m accepting scraps. The time between seeing each other is less of an issue, but the holiday stuff this year has really messed with my head. And now the calls thing seems really suspicious given other’s experiences with similar situations (it just did seem reasonable that sometimes he would genuinely be too tired… but it just isn’t adding up with the holiday stuff).

going through a range of emotions at the moment. I don’t know if there’s anyone else to be fair, but it’s definitely not enough for me. It’s made me feel totally shit today… and pretty shitty over Xmas/NY too.

Still heartbroken though. But I think ghosting him from now on is the way forward. I’m not sure if the “100% honest” conversation will work. I feel like I’ve gone around the houses with that one so many times, and I get convinced I am the one with the problem. I think I need to just decide it’s over.

It’s just hard as I’m cuddled under a very lovely and expensive John Lewis bedspread he bought me for Christmas. I can’t help seeing it and thinking he must have cared to pick that for me. But deep down I know no serious relationship would want this little contact over such a long period. And I’m sick of trying to be cool with that.

Surely he’d need a visa and inoculations for Vietnam? So not a “surprise gift” place?

Well you're not a part of his life really are you? Not an important enough part to communicate with anyway. Sell the camper and give him his half back when he finally bothers to return. It's not a sustainable relationship and won't last anyway so you'll be saving yourself a lot of bother by bringing it to an end yourself and telling him you don't want any further dealings with him.

You said you’ve rang him but have you also tried to text him?

Has he been on SM that you can see?

He may genuinely not be able to use his phone whilst he’s out there.

I think in some ways you are a bit needy - getting upset over not seeing him and not being able to go to the festival.

But I’d be upset that he hadn’t checked in for weeks.
I wouldn’t expect a text or call every day but a quick text asking how things are every couple of days aren’t a big ask.

Oh honey, end it then 😞 anyone can buy an expensive gift, thats not what makes a relationship, it's the little things that count and it sounds like there aren't many little things happening right now, you deserve better ❤️

I don't think it's needy to want to see your boyfriend of two years once in a while or to want to be invited to a festival.

It's not needy to want an adult relationship.

Yea I was wondering about visas too as app just pointed out?

A friend of mine was in a relationship that sounds similar to yours. She moved herself & her kids 50 miles away, left her well paying professional job & her support network to move in with a man who'd never said he loved her. I kept warning her, but in their entire 7 year relationship he never once said it. She eventually left him when she realised she was a convenience rather than a romantic partner.

From what you've said, he doesn't sound bothered about your relationship. I'm really sorry.

OP you sound lovely and definitely don’t deserve this (also, you definitely do not sound needy!!)
PP are right, you would feel loved and content if he wanted to be with you. There should be calls and texts every now and again, sending you the odd photo etc.
When I met my husband, we lived 200 miles away from each other and we would go to any length to see each other, we have been together 8 years now have spoken with either other every single day since when we’re on a business trip or holiday apart etc, because we want to.

In this situation, I would end it. I wouldn’t ghost someone who doesn’t contact me for three weeks, you don’t have the opportunity to ghost him. You’ll be waiting to hear from him just so you can ghost him, plus all that is playing games.
He will know deep down this behaviour isn’t normal and probably wouldn’t be shocked if you told him you wanted to end it. If you did go down this route and he didn’t want to lose you, then he’ll do something about it. If he doesn’t, you have your answer.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, you deserve better and we only live once! X

I'm wondering if he even went with his parents, as others have said. Do you have a phone number for them or an address so you can see if they're in this country?

Sorry, this was meant to say… we have been together 8 years now have spoken with each other every single day since, especially when we’re on a business trip or holiday apart etc, because we want to.

Have you driven past his place to see if he's come back? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I doubt he was with his parents at all.

Aw, this sounds wonderful. I think I would like this for myself. Just for it to be normal to send each other a goodnight / good morning text most days. It’s not a lot, but it keeps that connection alive.

I feel like I’m always holding back, as I don’t want to be the one chasing and being needy!

It shouldn't be this hard, after 2 years there shouldn't be any doubt about where you stand. DH and I have been together nearly 18 years and there has never been a day we haven't spoken to each other since we met, even if its only a text to say goodnight. I don't think this is unusual.

You deserve someone who makes you feel special and loved, not confused

You definitely don't sound needy OP, wanting regular contact from your partner is not needy.

Sorry, I’m not doing any detective work for anyone!

no idea about jabs or visas. No idea if he’s actually with his parents (and not going to snoop about to find out) or how long he’d known about the trip for (tbf he never said it was a surprise, just that his dad had booked the flights without checking with him on dates).

re: social media, that was the thing that made me suspicious. He posted a story with some pictures, where he doesn’t normally use social media. I put a heart reaction on it, then I noticed the story had gone within the hour. We aren’t “in a relationship” on social media, so that’s when i started feeling a bit worried and looked at his online status, and tried to call…

Oh yeah just ghost him back and keep the camper van!

OP, this isn't cool. He doesn't give a shit about you. You seem marvellous, so it must be his issue. It's hard but disengage.

Thank you! I appreciate the jury is out on this one!

But I really do want more than just a couple of texts and a phone call over a 3 week period. Also the phone call was around 3am his time, which again is now feeling very off. :/

It doesn't really matter if his lack of communication is down to his free spirit and personality or if he's cheating. What matters is his actions are making you question yourself and making you feel needy. You deserve to feel safe and loved and important, you deserve to feel like someone's rock. This guy just isn't doing that for you. Get him in the bin, sell the van and transfer him half of the cash. Find someone on your wavelength.