Boyfriend disappeared abroad for a month!

[Whatamieventhinking]

Don’t really know what I’m posting for, guess it’s just be good to get some perspectives on if I’m in any kind of a viable relationship, or if it’s even a relationship at all!

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 years, nothing has been rushed, we see each other once or twice a week, and as we both have our own businesses, and I have a child, sometimes it can be a few weeks at a time where we don’t see each other when times are busy.

We own a campervan together that we use for long weekends away, but last year we didn’t have a holiday together. He couldn’t commit to any dates, and then last minute he booked to go to a festival without telling me and took the campervan. It was too late for me to arrange childcare, so I just had to accept he was doing it alone.

This year, I made Christmas plans to have Christmas and Boxing Day with my son, and was going to join him at his parents the day after, for a couple of days. A few weeks before he said that he was really sorry, but him and his parents had now booked flights to go to Vietnam the day after Boxing Day.

I was upset, and cried a little as I felt very unimportant to him. He apologised and said his dad had booked the flights, and he’d checked if the outbound flight could be changed but it couldn’t. Then he said that the return flights are flexible and so he’s not sure when he’s returning. Since 21st December we’ve only spoken once, and he’s still not back or giving any dates when he might return. I saw him online this afternoon so assumed he had Wi-Fi, so called on WhatsApp and he didn’t pick up. It would have been around 10:30pm where he is, so unlikely to have been disturbing much.

I don’t feel like a particularly needy person, but I sometimes struggle to understand how he feels about me, and when I ask him he gets quite awkward and makes it seem like I’m insecure. If I just stay in the moment and enjoy the times we are together we do really get on, and in many ways we feel like I great fit. It just feels his need for space is enormous, and it makes me wonder if this is a relationship at all. Or just friends with benefits that I’ve convinced myself could be something more.

Help me wise women!! Is this the kind of relationship that has worked for anyone before, or is it destined to just fizzle out?

Start planning adventures in your van !

I have family out there (same and surrounding countries) and they definitely can message or call on a daily basis if they want, except in the remotest areas (and even then!) My husband used to work abroad and we spoke daily, perhaps every two days if he was exhausted from work. Three weeks with a couple of texts is just plain disinterested. He's rubbish!

Sorry, Op, you sound lovely. The thing is you can't meet someone keen and consistent if you are with him. Definitely move on (sounds like he's moving on himself, but hasn't kept you updated).

I really don't think speculating on whether he is with someone else is what matters here. What matters is, as you yourself said Op, that you've spent too long accepting scraps. A two year relationship and you just get a text on NYE? Two years is long enough to know whether or not you matter to someone but way too early in any relationship to be taken for granted. I've been with DH for nearly 30 years and if he ever just texted me on NYE I'd be gutted.

You deserve far better than this. Even if you are busy and choose to take thinsg slowly due to your child, if you matter to a man, he shows it with regular calls, chats, meet ups.

I would stop getting in touch. And head off in the van somewhere with your child. Use it to have fun without him.

He honestly isn't your boyfriend. He's a fuck buddy that you go camping with.

Time for a serious chat about both your expectations

I’ll request MNHQ amend the thread title for me with the corrected relationship description :)

It’s not much of a relationship is it 😕

It’s not needy to want more, to feel like you matter to your boyfriend. His lack of comms is a big “you don’t matter to me” flashing neon sign isn’t it.

I’d sack him off. You’re worth so much more.

“deep down I know no serious relationship would want this little contact over such a long period. And I’m sick of trying to be cool with that.”

You’ve nailed it, OP.

After 2 years I would hope for more respect tbh. He hasn’t run the holiday by you he has just told you. Yes your lives are separate in some ways, but even if he is away he should be showing you he cares by contacting you. I would read up on assertiveness. I don’t think I would be chasing him anymore but get the van back!

Sorry you were let down so badly. May I suggest you move the van someplace and have it disabled. There is a possibility that he may feel entitled to it and just drive off on another 'holiday'. Oh, and definitely ghost him. He's not worth your time and love.

Sell the van if you can.

I was seeing a guy on and off for a few years, he used to get me nice gifts and we used to go away at the weekends every now and then. We would see each once or twice a week but when we were ‘on’ I would feel like I was waiting around to hear from him. I thought he might have been seeing someone else too so I did exactly that, I posted a comment on his status on SM and I got a message straight away from another woman. It gave me the power and strength to delete him out of my life and move on. I was so much happier and it opened the door to ‘normal’ relationships! I hope you have a nice day with your friend today and she can give you some perspective. Ask her to be honest with you in case she holds back as to not hurt your feelings x

Saying that though, even if there isn’t someone else. You still deserve better x

You’ve got a lovely throw and camper van, you deserve to be happy. Have a nice drive out with your son and try to get this guy out of your head. You deserve to be cherished, this guy isn’t doing that.

Highly suspect op. Most people communicate with their DP every few days while on holiday, that’s normal.
He could be on holiday with someone else-the story about his dad not checking dates does not sound right as well as most employers needing notice for holidays esp a month long one.
Delete his number-I doubt he will make the effort to contact you again and if he wants the camper van back he can sort it out he knows where it is.

It all does sound very familiar. My friend wants better for me. She doubts he’s cheating (and actually I think she’s probably right) but thinks he has some major commitment issues that he’s not likely to ever work through, given his age.

I’ve not gone down the posting all over his SM route, although it has given me pleasure thinking about it today. But actually the stress of all the drama of it it is just too much, and I have deadlines this week that I need to concentrate on.

But I think it’s over. I’ll let him know I’m done whenever he gets back. It’s just frustrating not knowing when that’s going to be!

His parents are both retired but also quite fun loving, so this isn’t the but I’m most concerned about tbf! That bit stacks up. I suspect he was planning it for ages, and just didn’t think it was a good idea /important enough to mention it until he’d fucked up our Xmas plans.

You’re not in a relationship, you’re in a situantionship with someone who has a few situationships.

@Whatamieventhinking did he ever return?

Update for anyone interested. He did return, I found out by driving past his flat and seeing that the lights were on. He didn’t get in contact for another 2 days. Eventually I cracked and text and called and he ignored my calls. So I went over to his place that night all guns blazing and knocked repeatedly until he answered the door.

He seems surprised that there was any problem at all, in his words, he thought everything had been pretty good between us, and he’d been meaning to get in contact but for some reason it seemed like it was getting harder and harder to know what to say. I was fairly furious that he’d been back for nearly a week and even then not tried to contact me. So I broke up with him.

Now the dust has settled he’s been in contact, he’s started antidepressants and counselling. We aren’t back together, and I’ve just made a second payment towards buying him out the van, I have one more to go.

I now don’t think he was cheating, I think he was having some kind of breakdown. I think not helped by holidaying with ageing parents. Seemed to cause some kind of crisis which meant he couldn’t face anything. He’s only recently been well enough to go back to work, and I’m not really that angry anymore. I’m just sad he’s a bit of mess.

I literally have just driven back from Cornwall in the van with a friend on a lovely mini adventure. So life is good. A lit lonelier, as although people were saying he’s just a FB etc, that wasn’t really true. We were really close and had been a good support to each other previously. I just don’t think he knew if he wanted a bigger commitment, or was happy with his life direction generally. And I think as he’s prone to anxiety, I think a lot of his worries spiralled out of control and he literally ‘hid’.

So now we still speak maybe once a week on the phone. And I suspect maybe that will die out as we drift apart.

So it’s a sad, but amicable parting now.

I’m glad you had a good break. Good luck for the future, I hope you find a more supportive relationship.

Well done for updating, and well done for finishing with him. The fact that you made him face up to you, went round there and had it out with him, is great as you were able to get some answers, and hopefully he learned something. You sound like a kind, humorous woman who is ready for a fulfilling relationship. He sounds like a liability who you would not be able to rely on in times of crisis, and with an astonishing lack of emotional awareness. I'm glad it's amicable as clearly there were good things about him which you saw, but you've outgrown him now. Have a great summer with the camper van!

I remember your thread, thanks for letting us know the outcome. Wishing all the best for you OP.

Thanks for the update. Sounds like he really is going through something at the moment but sad that even after 2 years together he couldn't find it in himself to share that with you. I wish him a swift recovery and you never know what the future holds for both of you..be it together or apart. Wishing you well, op.

Thanks, yes. It was sad he couldn’t share that with me. I think now we aren’t together the pressure is off for him to appear more together than he actually is has come off. So he’s a bit more open about things. But I think it’s quite fundamental. He doesn’t know what he wants from his life, and he’s aware he’s getting older.

Right now that’s not really a good foundation to any relationship, so it’s definitely over. When he’s better, if we are still both single, we could look to see if we can give each other what we need. But now I don’t think he can even give himself what he needs, so he should focus on that, and I’m focussing on living my life, and just being a friend.

I would really like to find a long term, fulfilling relationship at some point soon! But as I’m getting older and my social circle is shrinking (my friends keep moving abroad!!) it’s getting harder to find any good ones out there… and I’m soo not excited about OLD! But I’m hoping it’ll just happen eventually! I’ve just picked some interesting options so far! 😂 He was my favourite though, outdoorsy, easy-going, not too pushy, never argumentative, but also either not that into me, or just not that sure about anything! Next iteration will need to be keener by 6 months, or I’m out! 😁