Boyfriend disappeared abroad for a month!

[Whatamieventhinking]

Don’t really know what I’m posting for, guess it’s just be good to get some perspectives on if I’m in any kind of a viable relationship, or if it’s even a relationship at all!

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 years, nothing has been rushed, we see each other once or twice a week, and as we both have our own businesses, and I have a child, sometimes it can be a few weeks at a time where we don’t see each other when times are busy.

We own a campervan together that we use for long weekends away, but last year we didn’t have a holiday together. He couldn’t commit to any dates, and then last minute he booked to go to a festival without telling me and took the campervan. It was too late for me to arrange childcare, so I just had to accept he was doing it alone.

This year, I made Christmas plans to have Christmas and Boxing Day with my son, and was going to join him at his parents the day after, for a couple of days. A few weeks before he said that he was really sorry, but him and his parents had now booked flights to go to Vietnam the day after Boxing Day.

I was upset, and cried a little as I felt very unimportant to him. He apologised and said his dad had booked the flights, and he’d checked if the outbound flight could be changed but it couldn’t. Then he said that the return flights are flexible and so he’s not sure when he’s returning. Since 21st December we’ve only spoken once, and he’s still not back or giving any dates when he might return. I saw him online this afternoon so assumed he had Wi-Fi, so called on WhatsApp and he didn’t pick up. It would have been around 10:30pm where he is, so unlikely to have been disturbing much.

I don’t feel like a particularly needy person, but I sometimes struggle to understand how he feels about me, and when I ask him he gets quite awkward and makes it seem like I’m insecure. If I just stay in the moment and enjoy the times we are together we do really get on, and in many ways we feel like I great fit. It just feels his need for space is enormous, and it makes me wonder if this is a relationship at all. Or just friends with benefits that I’ve convinced myself could be something more.

Help me wise women!! Is this the kind of relationship that has worked for anyone before, or is it destined to just fizzle out?

Totally agree

This is the energy I need right now!! 😂

Who is regularly too tired from work to pick up when someone they love calls? Calls from people you love are supposed to make you feel better! Possibly if he has an extremely avoidant attachment style it could be genuine, but otherwise, those aren't the actions of a person who loves you.

I don't think you should ghost him though; that's cowardly. Just tell him it's not working for you.

Or just friends with benefits that I’ve convinced myself could be something more.

My feeling is that you've probably hit the nail on the head there - you sound more committed than he is.

Help me wise women!! Is this the kind of relationship that has worked for anyone before, or is it destined to just fizzle out

Regardless of anyone else... I think the key thing is that this isn't working for you.

You deserve to feel safe and loved and important, you deserve to feel like someone's rock

thank you. This really resonates. And I realise that I have NEVER felt like that in any relationship. Despite years of therapy, I’m still not there. But I’m starting to realise that I really do want this. So thanks for putting that into words for me!

Im sorry Hun but youre his side piece. Men will string a woman along for years and years if she lets him. Sell the van and move on with your life.

I wouldn't be at home wondering what his intentions were towards me and waiting for a crappy text. I would have already decided that I was done, due to the myriad of ways that this man has shown his total disrespect

I don’t know… I’m starting to like the ghosting and keeping the camper idea now. Seems to match his level of effort quite reasonably ;)

I may just now be being a tired bitch tho…

Very well put.
When my partner and I had just started seeing each other and it was all casual, he did indeed go away for a month and I got about one text a week. We had no commitment to each other and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him longer term. But we grew together as time passed, and after a year, if he went away even for a couple of days, he'd call once our twice a day and text very often. After 2 years, our relationship is closer and deeper and I just don't wonder about anything.
I feel safe, loved and important to him, exactly as @Summerfun54321 says.
A wise Mumsnetter (@TheFoundations) has often written that the right level of communication is the one which works for you. This clearly doesn't fit the bill.

I've not been for a few years but I believe the rules are that Vietnam requires a visa for stays of more than 15 days. He could have got a 30 day tourist visa. I don't think you are allowed to extend past the 30 days.

Id be doubting that he's even in Vietnam. Regardless of where he is, no contact since 21st December would make me assume the relationship was over. Incredibly bad behaviour from him when you've been in a relationship, however casual, for two years.

Sounds like you've found your fire. You'll be OK, and you'll feel proud of yourself for having standards.

I've been to Vietnam, it is a very strict country
You cannot board a plane without a return ticket

The Internet is regulated by the Government & not fully open

It is an interesting place to visit & lots of history

It's very strange that he has an open return if he has gone with his parents
You deserve so much better

I think it is strange that you have a camper van, but didn't go on any holidays together last year

Did you go on weekends together last year ?

However, you don't live together
You have a child

If you are happy to both do your own thing, then sometimes meet, then continue

But, it seems that you are looking for something more. If so, end the relationship

re: social media, that was the thing that made me suspicious. He posted a story with some pictures, where he doesn’t normally use social media. I put a heart reaction on it, then I noticed the story had gone within the hour. We aren’t “in a relationship” on social media, so that’s when i started feeling a bit worried and looked at his online status, and tried to call…

To wipe evidence away from you hearting his pictures, seems very dodgy, then not answering your call.

I hope you have all of strength to ghost this knob back when he tries to return.

First thing I thought reading through your posts op, is that he's married. Sorry if it hasn't occured to you yet, but it seems like a good possibility with deleting the story, making up a cover for Christmas to spend with his wife/kids etc.

You sound so lovely and caring but I'm sorry, you deserve so much more than this.

To disappear for a month with no contact is very odd indeed. That he deleted something that you hearted is bizarre.

If you can find the strength, ghost him back. When he arrives back to use the camper van tell him that you don't have the key.
If he asks for half the money , tell him that that's the price for stringing you along for two years and to jog on.

I am sorry .

Actions speak louder than words I’m afraid - he is not behaving like someone who is invested in a future with you or indeed loves you , no matter what he says .
Remove yourself as an option , you deserve better

I would assume it's over OP, sorry. Similar happened to a friend of mine in our early 20s - guy too cowardly to break up, so he disappeared on a holiday abroad for a couple of weeks without telling to get the girl to break up. Childish.
The fact that you are suddenly feeling all anxious about it too - trust your gut.

re: social media, that was the thing that made me suspicious. He posted a story with some pictures, where he doesn’t normally use social media. I put a heart reaction on it, then I noticed the story had gone within the hour.

Tbh I’d be more annoyed that he’s posting stories on social media which means he has some form of internet, even if it’s not regular.

So there’s no reason he can’t text you.
He could easily just let you know he doesn’t have much signal/internet and so won’t be in touch regularly.

I think the saying goes “If it looks like a duck,swims like a duck and quacks like a duck- it’s probably a duck” in other words the message is sadly clear in that you aren’t important to him, he doesn’t view you as being in a committed relationship I’m afraid . He hasn’t been honest with you about how he views your relationship and has been breadcrumbing you (giving you just enough to keep you invested ) I was in a similiar situation to you a few years ago and he also cleared off on holiday over Christmas , it turned out he was with another woman and had been all through our “relationship “ seeing others , telling friends and family I was a “good friend” , I’m not saying this is the case here but either way , you want to be loved and cherished- he’s doing neither , so cut him loose and free yourself up for the person who will love and cherish you
As for the camper van - he can jog on and consider his share payment for the cumulative amount of your time he wasted !

This I am certain is not the case. He lives alone, I know the person who he was last in a relationship with vaguely. He just went off her apparently. She thought he was cheating, but he says he wasn’t. They split up a few years before we got together, and he was single the whole time except for some Tinder dates). None of this is really my business. But no, definitely not married.

So he could just be a free spirit with an avoidant attachment style, shit communication and great taste in John Lewis throws. Or he could also be playing the field, have another poor woman on holiday with him and be trying to keep me sweet with nice presents.

I know it’s not worth my energy going mad and trying to detective around if there’s someone else/if he is where he says/ with who he says. But I have got some clarity from this thread that I want to feel important, cherished and like someone’s rock. And if that’s declining over 2 years, it’s probably not going to improve.

I’m seeing a friend tomorrow, hopefully get a couple of hours with her before her bloke shows up. And she has met him a few times, so hopefully she’ll give me her perspective from IRL. At the moment I feel pretty pissed off. So have tomorrow to have a bit of a cry and a decide on a break up strategy then (ie to ghost, or to post loving messages all over his social media to see what kicks offf 😉)

It's cognitive dissonance - his actions and what he says don't match up with the way he treats you.

This is all on his terms.

Take back control of your destiny, dust yourself off and then maybe one day meet someone that actually deserves you.

It might be hard at first but you will be so please you did it in a couple of month's and by then you'll see what he was really like.

You’re not part of his life. You’re a very casual sideline to his life. He’s one of life’s drifters and shifters and you’ll never pin him down. He doesn’t want you to. He doesn’t even give you a second thought.

So have tomorrow to have a bit of a cry and a decide on a break up strategy then (ie to ghost, or to post loving messages all over his social media to see what kicks offf 😉)

Please post the loving messages! I like your style😆