Boyfriend disappeared abroad for a month!

[Whatamieventhinking]

Don’t really know what I’m posting for, guess it’s just be good to get some perspectives on if I’m in any kind of a viable relationship, or if it’s even a relationship at all!

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 years, nothing has been rushed, we see each other once or twice a week, and as we both have our own businesses, and I have a child, sometimes it can be a few weeks at a time where we don’t see each other when times are busy.

We own a campervan together that we use for long weekends away, but last year we didn’t have a holiday together. He couldn’t commit to any dates, and then last minute he booked to go to a festival without telling me and took the campervan. It was too late for me to arrange childcare, so I just had to accept he was doing it alone.

This year, I made Christmas plans to have Christmas and Boxing Day with my son, and was going to join him at his parents the day after, for a couple of days. A few weeks before he said that he was really sorry, but him and his parents had now booked flights to go to Vietnam the day after Boxing Day.

I was upset, and cried a little as I felt very unimportant to him. He apologised and said his dad had booked the flights, and he’d checked if the outbound flight could be changed but it couldn’t. Then he said that the return flights are flexible and so he’s not sure when he’s returning. Since 21st December we’ve only spoken once, and he’s still not back or giving any dates when he might return. I saw him online this afternoon so assumed he had Wi-Fi, so called on WhatsApp and he didn’t pick up. It would have been around 10:30pm where he is, so unlikely to have been disturbing much.

I don’t feel like a particularly needy person, but I sometimes struggle to understand how he feels about me, and when I ask him he gets quite awkward and makes it seem like I’m insecure. If I just stay in the moment and enjoy the times we are together we do really get on, and in many ways we feel like I great fit. It just feels his need for space is enormous, and it makes me wonder if this is a relationship at all. Or just friends with benefits that I’ve convinced myself could be something more.

Help me wise women!! Is this the kind of relationship that has worked for anyone before, or is it destined to just fizzle out?

It’s this, and the “he’s just on holiday” comment that makes me wonder if I’m just overreacting/ actually needy!

Something isn't adding up for me. Even if you're relaxing on holiday you still contact your other half to check in - it's not a chore to do that.

Also you say you only socialise as a couple with your friends rather than his friends and family. After two years that's really odd to me.

Is he readily available to chat normally when he's not on holiday or do you only chat at specific times?

My first reaction is that there are more people in this situation than just the two of you.

I agree with @COL1N. It would be insane to booked the holiday without asking him first.

None of this is normal. Sorry OP.

But it really does depend on your relationship though. I'm much 'needier' than you by the sounds of it. 😆

Yeah, I’m starting to wonder. It’s quite common that he’s the one to call me, but won’t pick up if I call him out the blue. That could just be because he’s tired from work- it is physically demanding. But it also could be he’s playing around. I feel a bit sick :(

You are not overreacting. Even in a fresh relationship if one goes on holidays they stay in touch at least once every few days if they want to keep the relationship going, and you have been together for 2 years. Did he not call / text on New Year's? What's this business with no return ticket? It is so shady. Sounds like he is fading and not taking you seriously, sorry!

Just a text on NYE, no call. 😔

Has he spent much time with your son yet? I’d be concerned if I was at year 2 with my bf and not going anywhere. I’m mid 40’s and not dating just casually and would like a long term relationship eventually, as would my bf. He’s ahead of me and already joking (I hope) and weddings and house buying! He knows this wouldn’t be happening in reality due to the kids but after a couple of years I’d like to think I knew his kids well and vice versa and there were plans to move in together once my DD went to Uni (which will be 3.5yrs in). I guess you need to decide if this is enough for you, the casual nature of it. I think for me this would be the final straw.

A colleague spent 3yrs in a recent relationship and hadn’t even been introduced to his kids. That’s over now and she’s dating someone else and isn’t going to accept that this time. Obviously at least 6 months for younger kids, I guess older could be introduced before. My kids are 14 & 18 and their dad and I have been separated over 12yrs so I don’t think they be upset or anything, though it’s my first proper relationship (well it’s not even a relationship yet but going out together I guess) since but I think they will be fine. They are teens, they don’t care too much and would be straight back to their phones!

I think I’d just quietly let this one go. Just stop answering his calls or texts. Not that there have been any.

For whatever reason, he compartmentalises you into a nice little box where he can shut the lid and happily go (how many days since 21st December?) without contacting you, and it doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

You think it’s a relationship, he sees it as an arrangement.

And unless you gave him a receipt I’d tell him he can swivel for his half of the campervan.

2 years together and you barely know it see his family ?
He clears off on holiday taking the camper an .. conveniently at the last minute do you can’t arrange to come .
A last minute open ended ticket abroad supposedly booked by his parents over Christmas and NEw year with only a new year text and no contact for ages . Sorry OP but this man does not see a future with you , you are a FWB and if this works for you .. fine but if you’ve been investing two years of emotion on someone who isn’t returning it then time to move on , I’d be surprised if the “holiday” is with his parents, I suspect you are just an option to him and he has other options too

I’m really sad about this, but I think this is right, I should just just quit and let him drift off. I’ll have a think about the van. I don’t want to be a dick. Depends if I get angry I suppose!

I reckon he did not go with his parents. Thats a smoke screen. He is with someone else. This is not a viable long term relationship

Are you one hundred percent sure he is not actually married or living with someone?

Yes, very little involvement in much of his life.

It’s really upsetting as I’m quite a straightforward person, and so have asked him outright if this is just a FWB situation for him. And he’s insisted no, and that he loves me etc.

But his actions this year haven’t made me feel loved. He was very generous with Christmas Presents on the 21st. But I wonder now how much of that was guilt.

I had nearly 5 years of being strung along thinking we were in a committed exclusive relationship. All the time he had multiple other women on the go in a harem behind my back. Some men do this

100% sure. I’ve stayed over at his place plenty of times. It’s definitely only him living there!

It sounds like he’s ghosting you.
At least you got a camper van out of it!

I’m so sorry. It’s hard to believe these people exist, but they do I guess. :( I’m feeling a bit gutted at the moment, but I think there may be someone else. Or he just isn’t capable of a normal level of closeness.

😂 thanks! That made me laugh!

well, that sounds shit OP. I’m not surprised you are feeling sad.
i really hope you can see that, of course, you are not being needy. He might be up to tricks or he might not. Either way after 2 years you see what little he actually gives you. And this is what he thinks love looks like?!
I suspect you want more than this? Perhaps a man who makes you feel like a part of his world, who cares how you are and wants to stay connected with you. Im not sure what you want, but I do know most human beings deserve better than this.

Time to ghost the fucker back 👻

I’m early 40s… I can’t fucking stand dating. I think it’s why I put up with this shit for so long! Plus, our getting a campervan together felt like a real commitment. But the more everyone is pointing out his behaviour is dodgy, and how little I actually know… the sicker I feel. 😔

Thank you x

"I’m really sad about this, but I think this is right, I should just just quit and let him drift off. I’ll have a think about the van. I don’t want to be a dick. Depends if I get angry I suppose!"

OP in the nicest possible way, he's being a dick to you so why don't you want to stand up for yourself. If you need to be a dick then so be it.

I see you answered my question about the phone calls. A friend of mine was in an almost identical situation and for her it turned out she was the other woman and had no idea at all.

unfortunately doesn’t sound like he cares about or values you much at all. Years ago I was seeing a guy like that and I gave him too many Chances over a 7 month period. He would just drop off the face of the earth when he was travelling or if something was going on. eventually after about 7 months he ghosted me completely.

I read somewhere men are quite simple - if they like you they’ll let you know and you won’t be confused! So if you’re feeling like this and receiving such inconsistent treatment after two years it doesn’t bode well

it might be best to just move on even if he does reappear. You definitely deserve better - your worth isn’t determined by what he sees in you.

It doesn't matter what other people think really op. This relationship is not working for you and you aren't happy.
I wouldn't be happy either.
Game over I reckon,