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Original poster

Marriage before children.. ??

152 replies

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 17:36

Reading another thread has made me wonder.. the people who say they must be married before having children, why?

Is this mostly down to religious beliefs?

Interested to know peoples reasons for this.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 19:18

Nope I've got a son and won't be getting married

Ragwort · 15/01/2023 19:36

I wasn't going to commit to living with someone, buying a house together & combining finances (we each had a property to sell) without the commitment from both of us that we wanted to get married for legal protection and an acknowledgment that the relationship was serious. (We didn't have a big formal wedding - just five of us in the register office & lunch afterwards). As it happened we chose not to have DC until we had been married for 12 years. I know I sound old fashioned but I do think too many people drift into living together for convenience... have a baby or two without really thinking it all through until it is too late.

The idea that you would wait to get married 'because you want your DC at the wedding' is mind boggling to me. Marriage is a legal commitment... not a fancy day out. Hmm.

UnaVaca · 15/01/2023 20:34

@Ragwort I completely agree.

Wheresallthemilkgone · 15/01/2023 20:48

I suppose it felt 'traditional' and right to get married before kids. My MIL would have been horrified if we'd had a baby 'out of wedlock'. I also wanted our children to have the same name. It was also about commitment, I really wanted us to be married. Actually the financial/legal side of things didn't really occur to me until I started reading threads on Mumsnet & now realise how important it is with children in the mix.

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2023 20:54

For me it was fairly simple- I was only prepared to have a child with a man who was so sure that he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives that he was willing to say so in front of witnesses and have it legally documented. Without that I simply would not have felt secure enough to have a child with him and I wasn’t interested in single parenting.

This

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 21:48

Totally agree with the last 3 posts

Toddlingturtle · 15/01/2023 21:54

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2023 20:54

For me it was fairly simple- I was only prepared to have a child with a man who was so sure that he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives that he was willing to say so in front of witnesses and have it legally documented. Without that I simply would not have felt secure enough to have a child with him and I wasn’t interested in single parenting.

This

This

StarInTheHeavens · 15/01/2023 21:57

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 17:48

Ah okay, so what happens if the marriage ends and one partner is SAHP. Does the working partner have to provide?

In my case, yes.

Kokeshi123 · 16/01/2023 00:58

1982mommaof4 · 15/01/2023 09:57

@Kokeshi123 It wasn't anything to do with the photos. I wanted to share the day with them, having them there watch us get married was lovely.

My eldest gave me away, daughter was a bridesmaid.

We married abroad so also had a holiday. The whole time just brings back lovely memories.

No offence, but that's really, really mad.

Marriage is a legal contract and (in most cases) it protects the interests of children and the economically weaker parent (the mother, in most cases). A deliberate choice to not give that protection to children for many years of their lives "because it would make the wedding extra lovely" is just bizarre.

Is this common thinking in the UK these days!?!

SandyY2K · 16/01/2023 01:51

You could also have taken his name without marrying him if you’d wanted to - he would not even have had to consent!

I wouldn't take a man's name without marriage. Not a chance.

I recall a few years ago a woman half of acouple won the lottery. They had kids and she had changed her name to his by deedpoll to have the same name as the kids.

All of a sudden he proposes and she foolishly agrees.

Coffeepot72 · 16/01/2023 07:33

I wouldn't take a man's name without marriage. Not a chance.

I know a woman who did this, I think she had given up waiting for a proposal, so she took his name anyway. I know quite a few of my friends thought this was extremely sad, and now gave her DP zero incentive to get married - he’d got a live in partner who had given him three children and they all had the same surname. And she had no legal protection, even though the name change made it sound like they were married

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/01/2023 07:42

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 17:36

Reading another thread has made me wonder.. the people who say they must be married before having children, why?

Is this mostly down to religious beliefs?

Interested to know peoples reasons for this.

A mix of the way I was brought up, faith (different from religion), responsibility (many women go along with having children with men as they think it'll lead to commitment and many times it doesn't), a feeling that if I'm good enough to have your children I'm good enough to be your wife, and legal protection. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. I know marriages break up, but the "it's just a piece of paper" argument is ridiculous. Not that I have or plan to have children, but if I did I'd be married and they'd be planned.

daemonologie · 16/01/2023 08:05

I'd don't get into marriage in order to have children. We just identified that we wanted to be together for life and wanted to make it permanent. Wanting children came after the marriage not before.
Marriage before children seems more solid, if a person takes the trouble to commit to you for life in front of his friends and family, he is less likely to bugger off easily. This gives some security for the children. Maybe it is old fashioned idea but I agree with it not for religious reasons.

Luxembourgmama · 16/01/2023 08:07

LittleLegoWoman · 14/01/2023 17:37

Nope, it’s mostly down to how badly you can be let down if the relationship breaks down after you’ve had a career break due to Maternity leave and you’re not married.

Yep precisely

Livinghappy · 16/01/2023 08:20

Why are people having children with someone who wouldn't 'do them right?' I get this might happen occasionally, but that must be quite rare that a woman is blindsided?

It isn't occasionally though...many men change once children arrive as life with young children is hard and they aren't prepared to put in the effort. I think this applies to men more than women who generally plough on and make the sacrifices.

You only know someone's true character when it's tested. Did I think Ex would have an affair? No..Did I think he would try to get away with paying as little as possible for his children.. Absolutely Not. Once someone has an affair they demonise their partner to avoid taking responsibility. I was married so had legal address but it required a court to make him provide a sensible settlement. Without marriage I dread to think how I would have been treated.

Alarae · 16/01/2023 08:32

If I was good enough to commit to buy a house with, I'm good enough to be commit to marriage. If I'm good enough to commit to marriage, we are good enough to commit to kids.

I see every step as an increasing level of commitment with legal and financial responsibilities. Kids is the most complex one as you are tied for life to the father, whereas a house/marriage can be broken down and moved on from.

I'm definitely not bothered by the whole kids out of wedlock idea nor do I hold any religious/cultural beliefs on it. It's purely for security reasons.

MissTrip82 · 16/01/2023 10:22

I wanted a clear commitment to each other that in my cultural and religious tradition is expressed by marriage.

Having a child is a commitment to the child.

Emmamoo89 · 16/01/2023 10:33

Kokeshi123 · 16/01/2023 00:58

No offence, but that's really, really mad.

Marriage is a legal contract and (in most cases) it protects the interests of children and the economically weaker parent (the mother, in most cases). A deliberate choice to not give that protection to children for many years of their lives "because it would make the wedding extra lovely" is just bizarre.

Is this common thinking in the UK these days!?!

Show quote history

Its not bizarre at all. I won't be getting married and I have a son. Ya know you don't have to. And fair enough she wanted her children there

mindutopia · 16/01/2023 10:47

Having children is a huge commitment compared to marriage (which can easily be undone, unlike children). It just seemed the natural progression to make the smaller commitment first before the bigger one. If dh hadn't been sure enough about our relationship to do that first, then I definitely wouldn't have wanted to buy a house or have children with him. I say that as a not very traditional/non-religious person. I've seen the fallout on friends and family from a relationship breaking down when there wasn't a marriage in terms of finances/house and children, and it's been very tricky.

Realistically, I also needed to get married for immigration reasons to make sure my case to stay in the UK was as secure as possible before having children.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/01/2023 10:49

Security, usually.

Isthisexpected · 16/01/2023 13:05

Having children is a huge commitment compared to marriage (which can easily be undone, unlike children)

^ MN shows men don't necessarily think this way as more men will have a baby but refuse marriage

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/01/2023 13:23

Isthisexpected · 16/01/2023 13:05

Having children is a huge commitment compared to marriage (which can easily be undone, unlike children)

^ MN shows men don't necessarily think this way as more men will have a baby but refuse marriage

True. And at least divorce takes paperwork, anyone can abandon a child with no backward glance. Millions of men just walk, during pregnancy, at any point afterwards, having no contact at all and not paying a penny in maintenance.

Conceiving a child takes one unprotected shag, it’s not a sign of commitment between the people shagging. It should be, it’s massive, but it isn’t.

This forum is awash with women who are left holding the baby, there are new posts every single day on variations on the same sorry theme.

Carpetmoth · 16/01/2023 13:42

We wanted to be married first and just considered it as the order to do things. I also wouldn't want to have been planning and paying for the wedding after having children. I preferred to enjoy the day/honeymoon without having to consider little ones.

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/01/2023 13:52

There used to be a Durex advert on at the cinema many many years ago when I was a teenager where a couple were about to have sex in the back of a car.

The girl says, "If I get pregnant, you will marry me, won't you?" There's a long pause and then the boy says "Course I will, love."

The entire audience used to burst out laughing. Everyone knew that he wouldn't, that he'd say whatever he had to say in order to have unprotected sex with her.

I can't see it's a lot different now, really.

EllieQ · 16/01/2023 14:54

There were various reasons:

  • Legal and financial.
  • It felt the the ‘right’ order to do things.
  • Made my mum happier as she was quite religious and traditional.
  • Peer group influence - almost all my friends were married before children. Didn’t think about this at the time, but looking back made me realise this.
  • More time/ money/ energy for organising a wedding before children.
  • Related to that, not having to think about childcare for the wedding/ honeymoon.

I also can’t understand the idea of wanting your children at the wedding, before you’ve even had them.

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