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Original poster

Marriage before children.. ??

152 replies

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 17:36

Reading another thread has made me wonder.. the people who say they must be married before having children, why?

Is this mostly down to religious beliefs?

Interested to know peoples reasons for this.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 14/01/2023 19:48

thislittlelightomine · 14/01/2023 18:04

I'm Not particularly religious but I wanted a man to marry me...for me...not because I was the mother of his children and therefore felt certain obligations towards me

I wanted to be a family unit all with the same name

To me it represents a higher level of commitment and stability

Lots of women can be someone's girlfriend. Not many - one hopefully - can be someone's wife and I wanted someone to see me that way

It felt the "right" order to do things

I don't "judge" unwed parents but I wouldn't have wanted to be one

(I earned a lot more than my ex husband by the way so financially there was zero gain or legal protection from being married. In fact it actually made me more vulnerable in that sense)

I agree with so much of this.

Getting married, for me is so much more than the legal contract / financial protection side of things - not that I knew much about that at the time, and, also, at that time I was FAR better off than him both in terms of assets and income.
It is about making a public declaration, if you like, that "this is the one". That we both wanted to spend the rest of our lives together - if wasn't a fling or a casual relationship, this was "it".
Yes, it's unfashionable on MN, but I wanted us to have the same name, and to be 'a unit'.

Of course it also made the wedding easier without childcare to consider, but that never really entered my head.

I struggle to understand why so many people choose to make the commitment of bringing a child in to the world with someone when they are not prepared to make the commitment of getting married to each other.
Each to their own - it doesn't bother me what others do - but that's how I feel.

Readytochangeme · 14/01/2023 20:03

My dad absolutely did the dirty on my mother. Left her with nothing as they weren’t married . My mum- not in anyway traditional - has always said one thing to me , ‘ don’t ever have children with a man unless they will marry you before because you will be bloody exposed and if they won’t marry you before children it’s highly unlikely that they will after !’ That is the only thing she has ever said to me . In other ways she was totally laid back .

Of course this advice was given as my mum lost her house and all savings due to my dad.

Anyway, when I finally met someone at 30 and fell in love ( I’d been abit crazy for 10 years !) I told him how important it was for me to be married before I ever had children. I said I wouldn’t have children without marriage . He asked me to marry him after a year and a year later we had baby.

It is awful but I didn’t want to be with someone who has my boyfriend when I had a baby. If someone wasn’t willing to marry me I wasn’t willing to bring a child into this world with them. Even if I sound really old fashioned this is true and how I felt .

My brother thinks marriage is bollocks ! Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but I love being married and I know so many people who have a baby and a house with someone and say they really hope their partner will want to get married . I would hate this . How can a man have a baby with you but not want to marry you ?! But this is just me !

Readytochangeme · 14/01/2023 20:05

TerraNostra · 14/01/2023 18:01

For me it was fairly simple- I was only prepared to have a child with a man who was so sure that he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives that he was willing to say so in front of witnesses and have it legally documented. Without that I simply would not have felt secure enough to have a child with him and I wasn’t interested in single parenting.

Yes I know that for some people their partner just telling them that they are 100 committed, or buying a house together, is good enough, but it wasn’t for me. I also know that divorces happen. But it felt like the safest bet.

Had absolutely zero to do with societal expectations and I was/am financially independent

This !

Penguinsmum · 14/01/2023 20:13

For me it's if a guy didn't even want to commit to marry me then I wouldn't want to have children with him.

LolaSmiles · 14/01/2023 22:42

My mum- not in anyway traditional - has always said one thing to me , ‘ don’t ever have children with a man unless they will marry you before because you will be bloody exposed and if they won’t marry you before children it’s highly unlikely that they will after !’
I saw this said on here lots of times and initially thought it was silly, after all I knew lots of cohabiting couples who were happy and was cohabiting without children myself at the time.
The more I looked into it and the more threads I saw where women didn't have a clue what marriage entailed, but the men in their lives did, I realised that it's a blind spot a good number of women have.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 22:44

If you believe in marriage why wouldn’t you plan to do it before children?

squeakstick · 14/01/2023 22:52

I wanted a big party and amazing honeymoon without having to think about kids. Financial stability isn't an issue for me luckily so my reasons are fickle but I'm so glad we did it first as our wedding day and honeymoon were fantastic.

Original poster
1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 22:52

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 22:44

If you believe in marriage why wouldn’t you plan to do it before children?

I wanted my children at my wedding.. that was my main reason

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 14/01/2023 22:59
  1. To me it's just the way you do things, unless there is a really strong and specific argument why another way is better. It's like shampooing your hair first and then conditioning it : that's just normal to me.
  2. Better financial deal if things go tits up or the guy dies.
  3. Commitment. I would not have a baby with a guy with a guy unless I could point to some sort of proof that the guy was committed. Nothing is 100% but commitment to marriage certain sounds more committed. The stats on parents splitting up support this too.
  4. I live in Japan and it's really unusual to have a baby outside marriage. I only know one person who was not married to the father at the time when she had her baby - she is a foreigner who is a single mother by choice, via sperm donor (she had to go overseas as the services here wouldn't have let her do this). Every single other mother I know got married first - foreign or Japanese.
Kokeshi123 · 14/01/2023 23:01

I wanted my children at my wedding.. that was my main reason

Why? I mean, surely you had at least one guest with kids by then - you could just ask them to bring their kids if you want kids in the photos.

maeveiscurious · 14/01/2023 23:03

Marriage or civil partnership is a contract with you and your partner.

If they won't commit to the contract then we'd GT bother having children with them

lordloveadog · 14/01/2023 23:05

It's a good idea to have a legal contract if you are going to share property and financial commitments with another person.

But even more, it's an indication of whether you can plan and make decisions together, recognizing and planning for current and future responsibilities.

DelurkingAJ · 14/01/2023 23:11

Our vicar asked why we were getting married as part of the wedding prep (we were already living together and not religious…church wedding because PIL are committed Christians!). For us it was 100% that public declaration that for us, this is it. I think I would have been very uncomfortable having DC with someone who didn’t feel like that.

Abraxan · 15/01/2023 09:49

Nicecow · 14/01/2023 18:09

Why are people having children with someone who wouldn't 'do them right?' I get this might happen occasionally, but that must be quite rare that a woman is blindsided?

Marriage offers other financial and legal protection, even if you remain together. Especially after a death for example.

Original poster
1982mommaof4 · 15/01/2023 09:57

@Kokeshi123 It wasn't anything to do with the photos. I wanted to share the day with them, having them there watch us get married was lovely.

My eldest gave me away, daughter was a bridesmaid.

We married abroad so also had a holiday. The whole time just brings back lovely memories.

OP posts:
SirMingeALot · 15/01/2023 11:41

babeB · 14/01/2023 17:54

I get what PPs are saying. But then the issue is marriage or no marriage at all, not marriage before children. That makes it sound like a shame/decency matter.

As in, if after children you then get married, it's not an issue. The 'issue' only arises if marriage is never on the cards.

Well, it isn't an issue if life doesn't get away in the meantime. As none of us know if we're going to fall under a bus tomorrow, it's a risk. Relationships end and even very young people can die suddenly.

The only way to guarantee that you definitely won't fall into the 'never' category is to do it beforehand. Hence the advice to marry before children on here is nothing to do with shame and everything to do with practicalities.

Fundays12 · 15/01/2023 15:07

TerraNostra · 14/01/2023 18:25

@Fundays12 I wanted us all to have the same surname which wouldn't have happened as had we not been married the kids would have had mine and DH his own.

That would have been your choice, not a legal obligation though. The kids could have had your DH’s name without you being married to him. You could also have taken his name without marrying him if you’d wanted to - he would not even have had to consent!

Thanks I was aware of that but had we not been married I would have retained my maiden name and my kids would have had it. If he wanted to change his surname to mine he could have. He did actually offer after we got married but I decided to take his surname and keep my maiden name as a middle name (my maiden name is a common female first name)

category12 · 15/01/2023 15:52

You see women on here who have had children with a partner and become a stay at home parent, therefore sacrificing career progression, earnings and pension pot, and often the assets are mostly in his name as he's the earner. So when the relationship breaks down, she's up shit creek without a paddle financially, other than child support.

If she was married to him, she'd be entitled to a fair share of the assets to support herself and provide for the children.

It's fair enough to stay unmarried if you're not taking a career break for kids or if you're in a good position financially anyway, but if you're becoming dependent on your partner, it's better to have the legal protections marriage (or civil partnership) offers.

It's very easy to put off marriage after kids as there are generally more immediate demands and people tend to want to spend stupid amounts on a wedding, so better to do it before kids.

Citycentre3 · 15/01/2023 15:58

If you are infinitely more wealthy than your partner, then for your children's sake it is better not to marry.

Intemperatefatty · 15/01/2023 16:07

One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is the next of kin issue. My now SIL nearly died whilst having my nephew. Her partner my BIL wasn’t allowed to make any of the important decisions around her care. They got married sharpish after that. She’s pregnant again with twins.

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 17:28

I think that is something that is really important, that doesn't cross most people's radars @Intemperatefatty
One of my friends is trying to deal with a close family member's death at the moment, without being NoK and it is making a horrible time infinitely more difficult. Sad

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 17:30

I wanted my children at my wedding.. that was my main reason

What, that was your thought process even before you had dc ? Confused
I can understand it once you have dc that are here, and real people, that getting married after that you want to include them, but it seems quite a strange thing to be thinking before you have any dc.

TerraNostra · 15/01/2023 19:11

Intemperatefatty · 15/01/2023 16:07

One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is the next of kin issue. My now SIL nearly died whilst having my nephew. Her partner my BIL wasn’t allowed to make any of the important decisions around her care. They got married sharpish after that. She’s pregnant again with twins.

In practice though, that must have been because her legal next of kin (her parents?) must have been unwilling to allow her partner to be involved in the decision making. That sounds like a bit of an odd situation in the context of the illness being the result of the birth of a child in what sounds like a stable relationship. Most reasonable parents would allow the partner to be the decision-maker and help with communicating decisions if the hospital required them to be “signed off” by the actual NOK.

Draconis · 15/01/2023 19:18

Penguinsmum · 14/01/2023 20:13

For me it's if a guy didn't even want to commit to marry me then I wouldn't want to have children with him.

This was the same for me.
I wanted the commitment and the security before building our family.

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