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Original poster

Marriage before children.. ??

152 replies

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 17:36

Reading another thread has made me wonder.. the people who say they must be married before having children, why?

Is this mostly down to religious beliefs?

Interested to know peoples reasons for this.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 14/01/2023 18:14

I'm married but the children have my name because so many people end up divorced and then their kids have their ex-husband's name! My body my name in our house!

UnaVaca · 14/01/2023 18:19

You only have to read the number of threads on here from unmarried SAHMs to see how financially risky it can be to have kids and not be married.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2023 18:20

Marriage is a commitment to each other. Having children is a commitment from each of you to the child. In theory.

You hear people saying having a child together is a bigger commitment than marriage but it’s obviously not the case when so many people bail on their kids and never see them or financially support them again.

Divorce is a thing and marriage doesn’t stop people being arseholes in the case of divorce but it’s a legal and financial commitment which isn’t the case with just reproducing with another person.

TerraNostra · 14/01/2023 18:21

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 18:11

Good point with having the same name, I remember feeling really uneasy having a different name to my whole family

Show quote history

Playing Devil’s advocate (because I have already replied saying I agree with marriage) in the UK you don’t have to marry a man to take his name. You can change your name to whatever you want, whenever you want. It’s certainly easier to organise a name change with a marriage certificate, but it’s perfectly fine, cheap and fast to do it by deed poll.

Original poster
1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 18:23

@TerraNostra hahaha glad my husband didn't know this before popping the question!

OP posts:
Hadtochangeforthisone · 14/01/2023 18:24

You only have to read the gazillion threads on here of people being shafted once they have left work to raise babies..

It can happen to men as well if they decide to be SAHD but most commonly it goes like this ...

Woman ... shall we get married
Man ... why tempt fate we are happy aren't we ?
Woman but I would like to start a family soon
Man : that's cool but we don't need a big wedding to do that these days it's just a piece of paper ..
woman .. are you sure ? What about my income when I lam on Mat leave /career break in early years ..
Don't worry about that .. we are a team.. I will support you and our child ..
Woman but I would really like the commitment of marriage ..
Man .. having a child with someone is a hell of a commitment.. let's start a family and save for a wedding when it's old enough to enjoy it ..

Woman - eh ok. Do you promise to support us .. ?
Man .. yes of course....

Two and a half years later.. baby hasn't into se ind bout diff sleep regression.. you are completely knackered . Focus has moved from partner to baby.. seriously disinterested in sex due to all the above ... partner has taken to working late...

He gives you money but wants you to account for it. Whines about anything he doesn't regard as essential. Frustrated a having all financial responsibility on his shoulders . Has affair and runs of with baby free younger work colleague.

House and income ALL in his name. He has 40k in savings . He asks you to leave the house as you have no rights to it. Neither does he have to share his savings . Or income.

Your sole entitlement is CM. You need to go on n befits and try to find a landlord who will take a mother living in welfare ..

Marriage before hand would have given you home owner rights. Possible time limited spousal maintenance until you had a job.

Would have made him think twice before having an affair. Of course many married men do. However no divorce hassle makes leaving so much easier - like changing your slippers .

This was a real life scenario of my best friend , shortened down massively . Only they had 4 kids and a near million pound home .. he strung her along about marriage for over 25 years... she got NOTHING !

2FelisCatus · 14/01/2023 18:24

Because it's a legal contract. Would you enter into any other type of arrangement be it a flag rental or buying a car without a contract? Having a child brings huge risks to a woman physically, mentally and impacts her earning potential. Why on earth would you not want a ritual and a contract to confirm commitment before taking such huge risks?

RewildingAmbridge · 14/01/2023 18:24

Nope, neither financial nor religious for me. Until this year my earnings far outstripped DHs, the difference is negligible now. I'm also not religious. For me it was two fold, marriage is the biggest commitment you can make to another person, legally and also socially. I had been told I couldn't have children without intervention and even then it wasn't likely, so it wasn't so much about that either, it was us defining our family. I also knew the wedding and honeymoon I wanted and that I'd never spend that money on myself if I did have DC before I got married, that aspect I guess is selfish.
I know people get divorced but I do think people are more likely to try and make a marriage work to a greater extent than just a relationship, and the thought that goes into a marriage beforehand shows you've really thought about committing to the other person forever. My vows were meaningful to me.

TerraNostra · 14/01/2023 18:25

@Fundays12 I wanted us all to have the same surname which wouldn't have happened as had we not been married the kids would have had mine and DH his own.

That would have been your choice, not a legal obligation though. The kids could have had your DH’s name without you being married to him. You could also have taken his name without marrying him if you’d wanted to - he would not even have had to consent!

Original poster
1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 18:25

UnaVaca · 14/01/2023 18:19

You only have to read the number of threads on here from unmarried SAHMs to see how financially risky it can be to have kids and not be married.

I agree, honestly I just never considered that my DH before marriage would t support me.

MN is an eye opener

OP posts:
Flowersonthewall123 · 14/01/2023 18:27

I just wanted to be married before kids and very un religious. I said it’s ok for is not to married before kids but they will then have my last name instead.

TerraNostra · 14/01/2023 18:28

TerraNostra · 14/01/2023 18:25

@Fundays12 I wanted us all to have the same surname which wouldn't have happened as had we not been married the kids would have had mine and DH his own.

That would have been your choice, not a legal obligation though. The kids could have had your DH’s name without you being married to him. You could also have taken his name without marrying him if you’d wanted to - he would not even have had to consent!

You could also have changed all your names to Clooney if that’s what you preferred…

Dacadactyl · 14/01/2023 18:30

I was an unmarried mother at 21. That was not how I'd planned for my life to go, but with hindsight it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I wanted to be married to my daughter's father for financial security and so that I could be a SAHM because I felt that was best for our daughter. He felt the same about me being a SAHM but initially said "let's buy a house together" with no mention of marriage. I refused and said if he wanted to buy a house with me, he was going to have to marry me. If he hadn't done so, I would have found someone else.

The way I see it, if I'm good enough to act like his wife and he gets all the perks of that; I will want something in return, the security that marriage provides.

BluIsTheColour · 14/01/2023 18:36

I just wanted to be married before having kids. I'm the higher earner so it wasn't about financial security. I just thought that if your having kids you should probably get married.

adriftabroad · 14/01/2023 18:38

It is a legal contract to protect the family.

Otherwise you are flatmates, basically.

whomoon · 14/01/2023 18:44

crochetmylifeaway · 14/01/2023 17:45

For me it just felt the right order to do things in. Children are the biggest commitment so if he won't marry then he isn't the right one to have kids with. Well that was my thinking anyway. Turns out the first husband was Dickhead but that's a separate issue.

Plus I wanted my children to be "legitimate". Out if 9 children on both sides only my 3 are legitimate and if any of the grandparents die without a will I can see it causing a whole load of problems legally.

They’re not inheriting the throne 😂
”Illegitimate” children won’t cause legal issues with a grandparents will.

TedMullins · 14/01/2023 18:59

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 18:11

Good point with having the same name, I remember feeling really uneasy having a different name to my whole family

Show quote history

Marriage is nothing to do with names though. You don’t have to change your name on marriage. You could all change it by deed poll to anything you like. I always find this a weird reason people give to get married as your name doesn’t automatically change!

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 19:03

So many women accept the old ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ thing men throw out but as others have said it can be very important. For me not so much as I’ve always had my own career and pension but if I had a friend who had given up her career to be a SAHM and wasn’t married I’d be pointing out the risks. I had the conversation with a close friend recently as she does work but part time for many years and her partner earns more and clearly will have a much better pension. Fine if they stay together but if they don’t? He did propose over a decade ago and she said yes but she doesn’t really want to marry him so hasn’t! She might change her mind after my conversation as I reckon if she got a better offer than her current partner she would be off! She settled for him as she was getting older and wanted to settle down and have kids. Quite sad for him really as he does want to get married to her

Peoniesandcream · 14/01/2023 19:04

Depends on if you have a career break or not. I took mat leave then had a promotion so I earn more than my partner and my pension is better.

UnaVaca · 14/01/2023 19:19

Nicecow · 14/01/2023 18:09

Why are people having children with someone who wouldn't 'do them right?' I get this might happen occasionally, but that must be quite rare that a woman is blindsided?

People change!!!!!

Lcb123 · 14/01/2023 19:21

For the legal protection if we broke up. SurNames don’t both me as I haven’t changed mine and never will.

LolaSmiles · 14/01/2023 19:30

Why are people having children with someone who wouldn't 'do them right?' I get this might happen occasionally, but that must be quite rare that a woman is blindsided?
You can't see why someone might be lovely in a relationship but not lovely when a relationship ends?

Lessonsinchemistry · 14/01/2023 19:34

For me it was for legal protection if anything goes wrong. You only have to read a few threads on here to see what shits a lot of men turn out to be. And there is practically a new thread every day from a woman who has DCs, has given up work or is a lower earner and not married. The DP changes and they break up and she’s up shit creek, only entitled to a CMS claim (if he doesn’t hide his earnings), might be homeless if she’s not on the deeds etc. No savings or pension. Bogged down with the childcare whilst the guy is free to start over with a house, money and career.

Once married with DC the start point is usually 50:50 for splitting assets including the house or pension. She might have a claim to stay in the marital home, at least until both parties agree to a financial split.

I also wanted the security of knowing my DP was fully committed to me before we had children. And there are benefits in terms of inheritance, tax etc.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/01/2023 19:44

Marriage provides legal advantages even if you don’t break up. For example you don’t need to pay inheritance tax on the death of a spouse whereas you do on the death of a partner (depending on the value of your assets). This can lead to the need to sell the family home. But even if it doesn’t, you’re still paying a bunch of tax that you wouldn’t need to pay if you were married.
continuing to work full time and remaining financially independent is not enough to avoid financial issues in the future. Only marriage can provide that protection

PetitPorpoise · 14/01/2023 19:46

The way I see it; if you are not sure enough about each other to spend an afternoon in a registry office and join yourselves legally yet completely reversibly, then you certainly sure not sure enough about each other to be bound for life as parents.