New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

TFM - I think a part time job would be a good move. I got so much confidence back when I went back to work. I do 4 days a week 9.30 to 2.30. The holidays are hard, especially sending them to a childminder when I'd rather be out having fun with them, but its the best feeling in the world knowing I'm independent, earning my own money. I want the dc to respect me for working for them and I always tell them that I have to work to buy them all the nice things they have and they do understand (I hope).
It would give you a boost and your dd would definitely pick up on Mummy being happier.
Sugar - your thread bought a lump to my throat too, in a good way.
I am sooooo looking forward to Sunday. I'll have a little 8 year old escort with me - he's very curious about you all, quite puzzled by the fact that we've never met though

Thank you GU its the thought of sending her to childcare that holds me back BUT, maybe she will enjoy it if she has other children to play with? At home she just has me, the local park and lots of walks which she hates Oh yes, and cbeebies when mummy is tired Can you tell I'm trying to focus on the positive?

How did you find your job GU? Was it advertised or did you do some cold calling? i'm wondering how I should go about it. I'm wondering whether it would be worth posting my cv out to a few places.

Good morning!

Right first things first... you know full well he will soften and start being nice again, don't you?! He will realise what he's about to lose, and without actually taking any responsibility or making plans to change himself, he will expect things to just go back to how they were.

This is where you need to be strong! This is where you need us!

Everytime he starts being nice again, and you feel a sense of peace that everything is calm, ask yourself, deep deep down, do you really feel at peace. Do you feel 'light'. Do you feel truly happy with your life?

Whenever you find yourself feeling sorry for him, ask yourself who is feeling sorry for you? When your mind is racing 24 hours a day about how to keep him happy, how to keep dd happy, who's mind is racing about trying to keep TFM happy?!

Like you said yesterday, if you don't put yourself first then nobody will.

Look at the confidence you had after your divorce. And look what he's done to that!

I think a part time job is an excellent idea. It won't be easy, but then the hardest (and best!) decisions never are. You will have new friends, some money of your own, but most of all, some confidence back.

My new role is really demanding. I work more than my 35 hours a week. I can't tell you how hard it is some days to leave ds. Especially when he wakes up before I leave and says "but just get back in bed mummy" because he wants more cuddles. It's heartbreaking at times
So why do I do it...

• I need to use my brain. For myself, and my own sanity, I need to use these qualifications and keep my brain active.
• I enjoy the social side of work and the friendships.
• I enjoy being valued by the company, and by my staff, and making a difference to the business.
• I love the fact that my money is all my own. I can spend what I want when I want, and I have nobody to answer to about that.
• The money means that the time off I do have with ds, can be extra special. We have those days where we do nothing but make a picnic, bring every toy into the living room, and sit and play and laugh all day.

But it also means I can do things like our holiday last year to Disney world. Those sorts of memories never fail to put a smile on my face Both memories are equally as valuable and important. But the money gives me the choice. And that's a good place to be at.

But you know what, most of all, when making my decision over H, not once did money come into my head. It's just not a factor. I knew I wanted H because of him. Not because of the lifestyle we had.
And I knew that no matter how bad things got, I would never ever need a man to look after me and ds. I could do it alone.
That gives you a level of confidence and security that is invaluable to these big decisions.

Now don't get me wrong, if I could be with the man I love, we were happy and content, and he could provide for me and ds so I could be there for every minute of ds growing up I would bloody jump at the chance!! I really would. I dream of that!! But the key there is one word - being happy. And no amount of love or security is worth it when deep down, your needs aren't being met and you're just not happy

So you know what young lady every time you feel yourself weaken, his control gets stronger. And ultimately that means one thing - you suffer. You're just not truly happy.

Children sense these things don't they. If mummy is truly happy, then dd will be too. But you know that

The only way things will change here, is if dp realises that he needs to change himself. If he understands why the relationship is breaking down. And most importantly, if he acknowledges your needs and takes steps himself to meet them.

You have tried to help that process by changing the way you respond to him, and over time, hoping that he will begin to acknowledge your needs too. It hasn't worked

So now who knows what it's going to take. You really have done your bit. Perhaps you getting a job and your own place will be what it takes. Or perhaps you getting a job and your own place will be what it takes for you to meet a man who is actually worthy of being with someone as special as you!

Believe me - any man in his right mind, once he had you, would be doing everything in his power to never let you go!

So repeat after me - "I am going to put myself first from now on and I am going to be happy"!!

(And if all the above doesn't work, next time you weaken, think about the next teabag meetup that you won't be attending and all the fun and gossip you'll be missing out on!!! )

xxxxx

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Thank you Baffy, you have made me cry

I know that every word you say is right, I really do. When I read the part where you said maybe me getting a job and leaving is maybe what it will take to bring him to his senses, my immeditae thought was no, I don't want him to come to his senses, once I leave thats it! Thats why I feel i have to do it alone. If I did it with any help from him I would never be free. So, that speaks volumes doesn't it? I would be staying for everyone else but me. I really do not want to be here. After 9 long years I have given up hope of him ever changing. He plays the victim card so well though and I have fallen for it many times, I have been far too soft. The stupid thing is I have known somewhere deep inside that I shouldn't be falling for it because I don't really want it, I have done it for him.

I feel rather battered today. A bit deflated. I must have been running on some sort of super power these last few days. My resolve is still there, I just feel exhausted. It is unbelievable the amount of energy that is used just in waiting for him to come home, the dread of it. He came home full of arrogance and dirty looks last night. I was fine, bright and chirpy talking to dd. I said "hi" when he came in, afterall, the arguing is over, we have to move forward with the decision to spilt now so I don't see why we can't be civil, especially in front of dd but, call me naive anyway, he grunted at me, gave me that look that makes me feel like a lump of dirt on his shoe. Now, before I would have done everything in my power to bring him round, I would have made him tea and carried on being nice just waiting for him to be ok with me. Last night I put my coat on and went out for a walk, just left him to it. When I got back he was sat watching the racing and dd was upstairs watching a dvd, (in her bed with her clothes on!! he hadn't even put her PJ's on)
I didn't really want to say anything to him but I couldn't help myself so I told him that I am not going to tolerate being treated like a lump of dirt, that I have done nothing wrong and I am not going to be punished, bullied or controlled by his moods and temper, that it won't get him anywhere. I reminded him that we have a DD together and he needs to now put her welfare first, he needs to think about how she must feel when she see's daddy towards mummy the way he is. I also pointed out that he instigated this whole thing, it is all of his own doing so he has no one else to blame but himself, so not to take it out on me and the kids. He did have the grace to look a little embarrassed but I didn't stay for a response or an argument, I went and shut myself in my room, my haven!

I didn't make his tea though, he sat for long enough in the living room so I do wonder if he expected that I would give in and make him some. I heard him go into the kitchen later in the evening and make himself something. At one time I would have felt terribly guilty but I don;t feel a blooming thing! I am amazing myself! Also, he put his clothes in the dryer before he left for work yesterday morning, I left them there, he came home and put the dryer back on, he turned it back on three times!! Then he left the clothes in there. I took a little peep at them this morning and oh my god, they are creased beyond belief, his best trousers included! I can't wait til he has to get the iron out I guess all this must mean that I am no longer scared of him? nervous of him maybe but no longer scared.

As for the money Baffy, that is of no importance to me. I just want to be happy. The unfortunate thing is that I need money to be able to get myself out of here. But, I worked out my escape plan last night and the first thing I am going to do is put a chunk of the housekeeping into a savings account and not spend it! I will shop to a tight budget and I will save the rest. I put my CV on a job search site and I spent ages trawling other job site. I looked at properties for rent but didn't see anything local. I would prefer to stay local because of DD and school but this is only a small village so that may be difficult. He has already made it clear that he will not accept dd being moved out of school so that may be another argument I have to prepare for at a later date. Personally, I would love a fresh start away from here, I wouldn't like to uproot dd but I am sure she would survive. It's no good mollycoddling her is it? Look at the world she has to survive in when she is older. I want to protect her though, not let her down or put her through any uneccesary suffering. I know things are not good here but because I myself live my life the way I do she is quite shielded from it all. He has very litte interaction with her. He has promised to take her swimming this weekend though, thats him showing guilt, easing his conscience.

Before i finish this post I just want to say a HUGE thank you to you all, to all of my wonderful Teabag friends. i feel so lucky to have you. If it were not for all of your help, support, ideas, I would still be stuck, I wouldn't know which way to turn. Thank you for helping me through this. I so look forward to the day I meet you all and I can give each of you a big hug and thank you in person. I may not be running on full steam at the moment but the real me is making a come back, I can feel her fighting to get out. Thank you for keeping me going xxxxx

Dior! A woman of few words!

You are doing so so well TFM. I know you're physically and mentally exhausted. But you know what, for the first time, it shines through that you now 100% that you are doing the right thing. You don't care about him or his reaction to things, because it doesn't matter! And it doesn't. You and dd are all that matters.

DD will survive. Whatever you decide, she will be fine. More than fine. Children adjust. All they need is love and support. And it's not a bad lesson for her to learn that at times, things change, life moves in a different direction, and you meet new people. But that's not bad. It can all be good. And you'll show her it will be

Just relax now today. Get some rest. Look after yourself and get your strength back up.
One step at a time and all that

I now have to go into a 2 hour meeting on financial strategy now! Doesn't get much worse than that!!

I have a funeral this afternoon too. A friend I used to work with. He was 33 and he died in his sleep. Just went to bed last Thursday and didn't wake up again
I feel sick to my stomach today. I just don't know how I'm going to face this funeral. But it does confirm one thing for me - life is too short. We have to live every day to the full and make every day count.

Lots of love xxxxxx

Thank you Baffy

I will be thinking of you today, that is terrible! How so very sad.

PC kept me going last night with lovely texts. She invited me to share a few things with her by email so I have done just that! She may now regret saying that It's that long she might not even make it to the meeting on Sunday!

I have asked PC to share the email with you all, it might explain a few things, it might explain why I come across as a private person Baffy some things you can't post on MN can you

I am only trying to give you an understanding of why I am where I am today though, I'm not looking for any of that sympathy stuff!

Thank you Baffy, so much! xxxx

Sorry ladies just another fleeting visit and no time to really catch up as dd screaming just wanted to send you all my love , i will be back here some time soon and try to be a little more helpful

hi all, flying visit from me too. been away with work.

have forwarded tfm's email to those whose addresses i have.

you guys are coming up with some fantastic advice.

can't wait for sunday.

okay, i've rung Wagamama and they're going to reserve a table (unheard of!) for us but we need to be there as close to noon as possible.

hope this suits everyone.

will message via FB too.

PC thankyou! I will certainly be there at noon, hopefully with DD if she hasn't got loads of homework.

Sorry I haven't contributed much - work has been insane this week.

TFM, I've finally read through everything and want to give you a BIG hug - you're doing so well and you've offered all of us so much support, I hope we can reciprocate.
I would be fuming if someone came in and took control of the TV without having the manners to ask first (my father used to do this and it caused such rows that in the end he bought a second TV). It shows sheer thoughtlessness. You seem to be doing all the right things - withdrawing services, planning financially, etc. A part time job will help no end. It certainly helped me. I do 3 days a week - could do with more, financially, but 3 days leaves me time for myself.

I do wish you could come on Sunday...

Thank you Tanee I honestly could not have got through this week without my Teabags. I have had your voices in my head the whole time, reassuring and encouraging and, I have had some lovely texts too. I have had constant support and i am so grateful.

I want to wish you all a lovely time on Sunday. I will be thinking of you and you can be sure that I will be with you in spirit. Have a drink for me but give Baffy my pudding

Lots of love to you all xxxx

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Well, I don't get on here for a couple of days and look what happens! My goodness, TFM I am really totally shocked to hear about what's going on. You sound so wonderfully, amzingly strong. You are so clear and grounded, and have such a good grip on things. I can't believe how much you have done by yourself, for so long, without coming on here to talk, especially given how much you have helped us all.

From what you've said about him - and I suspect you've been kinder than perhaps is deserved - then you deserve a great, great deal better. Some of those behaviours are shockingly childlike and also very controlling.

I love what you did with his dinner, the clothes etc, that's great! I'm surprised he hasn't said anything to be honest. Good on you, I think that's fantastic.

The fellow teabags have given you wonderful advice on here, and I want to echo that I am always here for you. You are a wonderfully strong woman and I know you will get through this and life will be so much the better for you. I really wish you were coming on Sunday.....

Dior and Lilybubble, thank you for your lovely words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. I can tell you now, with my hand on my heart, I wouldn't have got through this week without the love and support of my Teabag friends. Each and everyone of you have kept me going, you have helped me keep my head above water and saved me from sinking into fear and depression. Thanks to all of your kind words, texts and posts I have managed to remain rational and strong(ish) and not pander or give in to his moods/manner and threats. This is a first and, although I feel terribly nervous I don't feel frightened. I am feeling excited about the bright future I have ahead of me rather than scared. I know it's not going to be easy really but it can't be any worse than what I put up with here can it?

I am still fighting the urge to pander to him, there is still this tiny, weak little person inside my head who just wants him to like me, be nice to me, well, at least not treat me like a lepor which is what he is doing now but, thank the lord of I have a stronger voice that is overriding that one and keeping me strong. So, he is still cooking his own meals, doing his own washing and taking care of all his own needs. I have no desire to do anything at all for him. I feel I have now taken off the rose colored spectacles and I see him for what he really is. I think also, that despite how difficult it is to admit it, I am accepting that he is an abusive man and I am in an abusive relationship. No more excuses, no more selfhelp books, no more trying to understand why he does what he does, he is an abuser. End of.

Phew!

Thanks again girls. You are wonderful, each and every one of you. I am truly overwhelmed and I am truly thankful that I have you xxx

PS Dior

You make me laugh! It is so lovely to see your humour coming through in your posts. I used to read all of your posts before and you were so sad, lost so deep in sadness that I never seemed to be able to find the words to help you. I knew exactly how you were feeling, you were crying out for love and for your H to notice you and pay you some attention. I could really feel your loneliness. I am so happy that you managed to turn things around, its a real pleasure to read your posts now, you have a wicked sense of humour And by the way, your problems were no less painful for you than mine are for me. My problems are no more inportant than anyone else's and regardless of what is happening at the moment I am still here for each and everyone of you too.

I was thinking last night, maybe I was sent all this crap for a reason, maybe I have had to learn the lessons to be able to share the knowledge and help other people. Well, thats a positive slant on things isn't it

You all have a fab time tomorrow. I will be thinking of you, you can be sure of that. xxx

Tfm i have read the email. I was and v at the way you have been treated. But even after allthat emotion the greatest one i felt was proud. You have been through and in fct are still going through an awful lot yet you remain positive.

You have helped each and everyone of us and we are all truely grateful.

Despite it all you still have your spirit and thats fabulous. No matter what you will get through this. We will all make sure of it.

I really wish you could be there tomorrow. Id happily come get you or shout you and dc's the train if there was any way you could make it.

I am so excited about tomorrow. Dh sulking as his only just heard of this restaurant and wanted to take me there first! Will teach him to spoil me as soon as the though enters his head in future!

Have a lovely day tommorrow ladies
And a drink for those of us who can't be their

Blimey guys my laptop dies and look what happens...no good at advice can do hugs though {{{TFM}}} have only skimmed through...
Am feeling bit deflated...the stress of DD2 beinf so ill being away from DD1 and H behaving like the man I married (and it ONLY took our baby nearly dying )..
Of course as soon as we were home he returned to his current way and disappeared!
Been thinking a lot about what OW has that I didn't....and I guess this goes for a lot of us and at time H and I spoke about it a lot...he said I "emasculate" him...I think we are too strong for them, we give them too much, there lives are too easy/good with us...they want/need someone to look after/take care of and in pops these pathetic excuses for OW needy and pathetic!!!
Anyway very at missing tomorrow but very relieved to be home with DD1 who seems ok if bit clingy (me too though)...have fun and have to arrange another meet up soooooon

Morning TFM, Lilyloo & McD, just popping on to say how much I wish you were joining us later. If you feel your ears burning, it'll be because we're talking of you and imagining you being with us .

McD, give DD1 lots of hugs - she's no doubt as anxious about the past couple of weeks as you have been. SO glad both your girls are with you again - and sorry that H has reverted. You'd think he'd have a taster of what he's given up, and rethink his life. I reckon TFM does need to revive her freezer - but she might need to get a bigger one !!

TFM, I can't believe how strong you are. I realise you've worked very hard to get there, though, and all while offering the rest of us so much help. How selfless are you!!. Many women never manage to break free of users like your P seems to be - my parents' generation is full of self-sacrificial women who do everything for these ageing overgrown vampire babies who take all and give nothing back - I've heard enough of my Mum's friends - and even my Mum herself, sometimes, saying that that is what marriage is like - lots of compromise, with US doing most of the compromising. I say HAH! to that! I hope we'll bring up our children never to tolerate that behaviour - from EITHER sex! You have a fabulous future to look forward to - and hopefully, someone out there who will be worth sharing it with .

Well, go to got start getting ready for lunch. Pity the weather's foul, I was hoping we could go for a nice walk along the Embankment. DD isn't coming. She went for a friend's 16th birthday dinner last night and came home soaking wet and in a foul mood - the final straw was on the way home, when a very fat woman on the underground train bashed into the bag she was carrying some very expensive birthday cake in, tore it, and the cake landed on the ground. Fat Woman didn't even notice. L and her friend had paid a lot for it and nearly cried. She's staying home today to revise and eat cold roast potatoes.

DP very happy about the rugby though. What a happy Welsh bunny he was - and only got through a bottle & a half of wine (I had a couple of glasses, to help reduce his intake ).

I'm bringing my camera to take photos of the Teabags, so we can admire each other on FB.

See you later, girls

Have lovely lunch everyone Am sure all your hubbys ears are burning right now
Mcd hows dd2 sorry if i missed your post on her ? Shame that he already reverted back to type
TFM haven't seen all your posts but agree with everyone here your obvious strength will help you through.
Tanee poor DD hope she feeling better today ! i don't have facebook can you put them on your profile for us to have quick glimpse if you get any good ones

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PMSL Dior!!!
I had a brilliant day and it was lovely to meet you all at last.
You are all just as great in the flesh as you are on here and I'm proud to call you my friends!
Hope everyone else got home safe and sound (and not too wet!!)

Hi Girls! I am so pleased you had a good time I was thinking about you. Not too wet GU? They didn't have thatmuch to drink did they? They did go wee wee before they left for home didn't they

I fully hope/intend to be at the next meetup. I should be living a 'normal' life by then!

Dior,you make me larf!